How does one leave the perfect man?

[Lollie72]

I knew there were some problems in my marriage, but never knew how serious until just two months ago. Other than that, dgiirl, your situation sounds a lot like mine. I'm convinced that we would have been able to work things out had she opened up to me about how serious it was and also decided to not get involved with the OM.

 

I would suggest honesty and marriage counseling before giving up on this marriage.

 

I opened up to my man about an attraction to someone else(even though I told mine I'm telling the other guy as long as I was still married but I'm confused over the strength of the attraction), he went wild and will beat me up on email emotionally for weeks about it.

[Lollie72]

I knew there were some problems in my marriage, but never knew how serious until just two months ago. Other than that, dgiirl, your situation sounds a lot like mine. I'm convinced that we would have been able to work things out had she opened up to me about how serious it was and also decided to not get involved with the OM.

 

I would suggest honesty and marriage counseling before giving up on this marriage.

 

I opened up to my man about an attraction to someone else(even though I told mine I'm NOT telling the other guy as long as I am still married but I'm confused over the strength of the attraction), he went wild and will beat me up on email emotionally for weeks about it.

[dgiirl]

I opened up to my man about an attraction to someone else(even though I told mine I'm telling the other guy as long as I was still married but I'm confused over the strength of the attraction), he went wild and will beat me up on email emotionally for weeks about it.

 

What did you expect him to do? Smile and wish you well? I think you should be honest and give some answers to your spouse, you dont have to be cruel, and be realistic about his response. Of course he's going to be upset. But that's the price you pay for getting out of a relationship. He was distraught for a few weeks and wrote you a few nasty emails. It'd be a LOT different if he physically abused you or harrased you for months/years.

[Lollie72]

What did you expect him to do? Smile and wish you well? I think you should be honest and give some answers to your spouse, you dont have to be cruel, and be realistic about his response. Of course he's going to be upset. But that's the price you pay for getting out of a relationship. He was distraught for a few weeks and wrote you a few nasty emails. It'd be a LOT different if he physically abused you or harrased you for months/years.

 

It's I'm not telling the other guy....

the meaning is different. You have no idea what my current spouse has put me through. I've moved about 8 times to 4 different states in 4 years. And he's become more and more depressed and negative to be around. I'm trying to explain to him that others are looking very attractive in general to me based on his nasty verbal abuse and his unwillingness to try private counseling and work on his attitude. This is basically his last chance to do anything at all about how on chaging how he has continued to lead his part of the marriage before I file for divorce.

[Trimmer]

I'm starting to think that guilting ones-self into explaining all actions to othes is like a form of self-abuse.

It sounds like you have some very serious issues to deal with in your own marriage, and this may well be correct for you, in your case, based on how you need to deal with your husband. However, once again, I would warn you about generalizing from your situation to "all" situations... I am talking to THIS poster about her specific situation, based on what she posted, and I wouldn't advise her to explain "all actions to others", nor am I guilting her into it.

 

When you say to someone, "I commit my life to you", I believe that if there are no outward pathologies the other person is exhibiting, and you decide to leave while refusing to give any explanation, you are copping out. I'm not saying she absolutely has to by some moral or legal code, or that she'll burn in the fires of hell - I'm sure that she could convince herself that she owes nothing to anyone but herself - but I'm saying that as a caring human being, walking out the door and leaving behind another caring and apparently decent human being, wouldn't it be the human thing to do?

 

If you are experiencing emotional or physical abuse and have a fear of abnormal repercussions in your own situation, then you may well have made the right decision for you, I just don't agree with applying that lesson to this poster's situation, until and unless she gives us some sense that her husband is anything but the decent guy she has offered him up to be.

[dgiirl]

It's I'm not telling the other guy....

the meaning is different. You have no idea what my current spouse has put me through. I've moved about 8 times to 4 different states in 4 years. And he's become more and more depressed and negative to be around. I'm trying to explain to him that others are looking very attractive in general to me based on his nasty verbal abuse and his unwillingness to try private counseling and work on his attitude. This is basically his last chance to do anything at all about how on chaging how he has continued to lead his part of the marriage before I file for divorce.

 

This is different than your original post, and like Trimmer is saying, is different than the OP. Before you leave, i think it's important to atleast give the other person a chance. And the only way to do that is to communicate your needs and the current issues in your relationship. It's your responsibility to know what you want and to communicate that to the other person. Dont expect the other to read your mind because if they "really loved you, they'd know what you need". Communicate what you want, and then, if they dont take your response seriously, then get out. But at the same time, dont expect them to be saints. If you tell them you're leaving, you are no longer in love with them, or that you're attracted to another person, then yes, of course they will be hurt for a short period of time. Be a little bit compasionate when they're acting on emotion of anger or fear. In your case, it's gone on way too long. You dont need to enable his behaviour. But in the beginning stages, the leaver can show a little bit of compassion. That doesnt mean they have to be available 24/7, it just means dont get angry and lash back at the leavee. All that karma and stuff. It really does work.

[Sassy]

I knew there were some problems in my marriage, but never knew how serious until just two months ago. Other than that, dgiirl, your situation sounds a lot like mine. I'm convinced that we would have been able to work things out had she opened up to me about how serious it was and also decided to not get involved with the OM.

 

I would suggest honesty and marriage counseling before giving up on this marriage.

 

I agree with what Desperate dad said! Don't give up on the marriage until you have tried every way to work things out. Maybe it is something she is dealing with like a mid life crisis as another poster said. How can you have a perfect husband and not want to be with them? If he is so perfect why are you wanting to end your marriage? I think there is a bigger issue that is going on. Just my 2 cents!

[RecordProducer]

Perfect on paper doesn't mean perfect for your life.

Exactly! If you look around, you'll see many people loved by their partners and most of the time you think: "Geez, what did she find in him?! "

 

My point is: we can fall in love with someone who is not so great and we can NOT fall in love with someone whom we find objectively decent and good in every aspect.

 

Plus perfect doesn't mean really perfect. She describes him as a good father and husband, but didn't say he's sexy, charming, with a great sense of humor, super-fun, masculine, great in bed... I figure he is a decent person with high values and qualities as a person, but that's not enough for her ... or many other women, for that matter. Without chemistry - it's only friendship. And we all need a lover too.

[Guest]

Your going through some sort of personal midlife crisis. Before you wreck your husband's dreams and tear apart your children's lives get some individual counseling.

 

Once you tell him your not "in-love" with him anymore, his feelings toward you will never be the same. Are you wiling to give up custody of your kids? Sell the house? Move into an apartment?

 

I'd hold off making any bold moves until you figure out what is going on with yourself.. Why these feelings? I also have to ask, what new guy has been paying attention to you? I know your claiming that its just you.. but? Just doesn't make sense?

 

Usually the "not in-love" syndrome is due to someone else in the picture, or that your emotional needs have been ignored (which doesn't appear to be the case here).

 

 

There is no new guy. It's that he has been out of town for a while and I have never been happier or more stress free. When he came back for a few days, it was like this huge weight was on me again. I have just been really happy alone...even though it's been hard with the kids by myself.

I guess, maybe, I feel like I have totally built my life around him, and it's never gone the other way. I dropped all my hobbies because he wanted me to pick up his. (which made since because I did things like riding horses which wasn't only expensive and time consuming, he didn't grow up riding. I hang around the house when he is home so he can watch soccer or basket ball or whatever is on because he wants me too, when I would like to be outside doing something...anything. He goes to nice dinners (like 150 a head) for work all the time and then never wants to eat out, which I understand. But I am a stay at home mom, the nices place I ever eat is chuck e cheese which is just a step up from burger king. I don't get client dinners. To which he says, "that's the roles we choose". He's right, 10 years ago when I was 19 I did want to be a sahm...guess what? It sucks. I feel like it drains my brain away. I know people are going to slam me for saying that, but I really don't care. We met when I was 18, started dating when just before I turned 19 (he was 23)...he wanted to be exclusive, I didn't, but gave in..and that was that. We got married a four years later, had 2 kids...and here we are. So no, to answer your question..there really is no other guy. Frankly, a girl w/ messy hair and a tank top w/ carrot finger stains while pushing a double stroller and franticly looking for a bathroom for a 3 year old doesn't draw much attention from the guys ;-)

[Guest]

Ok. A. Please excuse all my spelling errors and whatnot in the above post..it's late and I'm tired.

And B. I did want to say thank you to everyone that responded and the advice was great. I think I am going to tell him I am unhappy "in general" and want to go to counceling...depending on how things go from there, we'll see. I don't want to crush him & the kids if there is a way I can fix it. It seems that this very well is about my and my issues and may have nothing to do w/ him really. I don't know. but anyway, thanks again.

[Lollie72]

Exactly! If you look around, you'll see many people loved by their partners and most of the time you think: "Geez, what did she find in him?! "

 

My point is: we can fall in love with someone who is not so great and we can NOT fall in love with someone whom we find objectively decent and good in every aspect.

 

Plus perfect doesn't mean really perfect. She describes him as a good father and husband, but didn't say he's sexy, charming, with a great sense of humor, super-fun, masculine, great in bed... I figure he is a decent person with high values and qualities as a person, but that's not enough for her ... or many other women, for that matter. Without chemistry - it's only friendship. And we all need a lover too.

 

 

expectations can be a real bummer when you don't live up the there's and they don't live up to yours. I asked my spouse to consider lowering his and he didn't seem to even hear me.

[Lollie72]

There is no new guy. It's that he has been out of town for a while and I have never been happier or more stress free. When he came back for a few days, it was like this huge weight was on me again. I have just been really happy alone...even though it's been hard with the kids by myself.

I guess, maybe, I feel like I have totally built my life around him, and it's never gone the other way. I dropped all my hobbies because he wanted me to pick up his. (which made since because I did things like riding horses which wasn't only expensive and time consuming, he didn't grow up riding. I hang around the house when he is home so he can watch soccer or basket ball or whatever is on because he wants me too, when I would like to be outside doing something...anything. He goes to nice dinners (like 150 a head) for work all the time and then never wants to eat out, which I understand. But I am a stay at home mom, the nices place I ever eat is chuck e cheese which is just a step up from burger king. I don't get client dinners. To which he says, "that's the roles we choose". He's right, 10 years ago when I was 19 I did want to be a sahm...guess what? It sucks. I feel like it drains my brain away. I know people are going to slam me for saying that, but I really don't care. We met when I was 18, started dating when just before I turned 19 (he was 23)...he wanted to be exclusive, I didn't, but gave in..and that was that. We got married a four years later, had 2 kids...and here we are. So no, to answer your question..there really is no other guy. Frankly, a girl w/ messy hair and a tank top w/ carrot finger stains while pushing a double stroller and franticly looking for a bathroom for a 3 year old doesn't draw much attention from the guys ;-)

 

Sew your wild oats given the time and the ages your referring to.

[Billy Bob]

I guess, maybe, I feel like I have totally built my life around him, and it's never gone the other way. I dropped all my hobbies because he wanted me to pick up his.

 

But I am a stay at home mom, the nices place I ever eat is chuck e cheese

 

10 years ago when I was 19 I did want to be a sahm...guess what? It sucks

 

I think maybe you should talk to some other moms about these issues and also try talking to your husband. Seriously sit him down and tell him all of your frustrations. Do you guys get any time at all away from the kids alone together?

 

My wife had her meltdown while our kids were 4 & 6 years old and requiring constant supervision. She felt like she wasn't a real person anymore, that she had lost her identity and focused her blame of the situation on me. She came to the revelation that she needed to "find herself" and that she was no longer "in-love" with me. She had made friends with single gals from her gym who had successful careers, were going out clubbing and having a good old time with life in general. What did she have? An inattentive husband, a six year old girl who contantly whines and a 4 year old boy who has poopy accidents wherever he goes. A house that no matter how much she cleaned, the kids were able to mess up twice as fast. She just wanted a change.

 

From what I gather this is a common phase that stay at home mothers go through. I think it is also referred to as one of the most dangerous times in a marriage. From what I have also heard, this is a phase that generally passes when the kids both get into school full time.

 

If you want to try and fix this I suggest couples counseling. Let your husband know whats going on in your head - open communication with him. Let him know how serious the problem is. Try getting a sitter and going out to eat or dress up sexy and go out dancing together.. make it a weekly event if possible. Start focusing on yourself a bit, start riding horses again.. basically start making yourself happy.

 

I would try some of these approaches before you drop the NILWAD (Not-In-Love-Want-A-Divorce)" bomb on your husband. Flushing 10 years with a decent husband is pretty drastic. Your going to really crush the guy. I know my wife is now really regretting ever saying that to me.

[Billy Bob]

Ok. A. Please excuse all my spelling errors and whatnot in the above post..it's late and I'm tired.

And B. I did want to say thank you to everyone that responded and the advice was great. I think I am going to tell him I am unhappy "in general" and want to go to counceling...depending on how things go from there, we'll see. I don't want to crush him & the kids if there is a way I can fix it. It seems that this very well is about my and my issues and may have nothing to do w/ him really. I don't know. but anyway, thanks again.

 

Awesome! Sounds like a good starting point. Best of luck.

[Guest]

From what I gather this is a common phase that stay at home mothers go through. I think it is also referred to as one of the most dangerous times in a marriage. From what I have also heard, this is a phase that generally passes when the kids both get into school full time.

 

 

So stick it out for 4 years and see how it goes after they are in school?

 

And to respond to some other things...to say, "pick up riding, do something for yourself"...right now just getting up at 4am so I can go to the gym for an hour is all I can handle. I wish I could just go out and ride or do something for myself but there is NO time. As you can see, I'm writing this so late because this is the only time I can get on the computer. It's go go go all day. And that is my job right now, to watch the kids. They aren't going to play around at the stable by themselves ;-) The role I agreed to was to basically be the mom, the maid, and the CFO...all of which I have done, but it takes all my time. It's easy to say, "go do something for yourself" but to actually do it, not so easy. And frankly, if I were to leave, that wouldn't change any part of that, being the mom, maid, and CFO. It would just add to it. I know that. So I think it's fairly safe to say, it's not that. It really comes back to the fact that I have no feelings for him. I just don't love him. I'm going to try counceling because I need to make sure there is not something that I am mirroring onto him. I would love to be able to just wake up one morning and say, "OMG, I am so in love w/ my husband" and there is all this passion and butterflies in my tummy.

[dgiirl]

It really comes back to the fact that I have no feelings for him. I just don't love him. I'm going to try counceling because I need to make sure there is not something that I am mirroring onto him. I would love to be able to just wake up one morning and say, "OMG, I am so in love w/ my husband" and there is all this passion and butterflies in my tummy.

 

I think you are so overworked and stressed that there's no TIME to have feelings for him. You both got yourselves into a routine where you just see him as just there. But you dont think of him in that way anymore because you dont have time too. That doesnt mean you dont love him and cannot get those feelings back. I really do think counselling will be good for you. You also need to work together with your husband. Tell him exactly the things he needs to do. Step by step. Nothing vague. I would also read The 5 Love Languages. Happiness is a state of mind and depends a lot on how we look at the situation. Changing the way we look at things can change our happiness levels. And as for not having time, sweetie, you either make time for yourself now, or in a few years from now you'll be FORCED to make time when you land yourself in the hospital. Stress is a killer, and your body can only take so much before it shuts down. Do yourself, your kids, and your husband a favour and take time now.

[uksurfer]

Do yourself, your kids, and your husband a favour and take time now.

 

Gah, why couldn't my wife have come here and talked to you first, too?

 

Heya D - how's it going?

[uksurfer]

I think maybe you should talk to some other moms about these issues and also try talking to your husband. Seriously sit him down and tell him all of your frustrations. Do you guys get any time at all away from the kids alone together?

 

My wife had her meltdown while our kids were 4 & 6 years old and requiring constant supervision. She felt like she wasn't a real person anymore, that she had lost her identity and focused her blame of the situation on me. She came to the revelation that she needed to "find herself" and that she was no longer "in-love" with me. She had made friends with single gals from her gym who had successful careers, were going out clubbing and having a good old time with life in general. What did she have? An inattentive husband, a six year old girl who contantly whines and a 4 year old boy who has poopy accidents wherever he goes. A house that no matter how much she cleaned, the kids were able to mess up twice as fast. She just wanted a change.

 

From what I gather this is a common phase that stay at home mothers go through. I think it is also referred to as one of the most dangerous times in a marriage. From what I have also heard, this is a phase that generally passes when the kids both get into school full time.

 

If you want to try and fix this I suggest couples counseling. Let your husband know whats going on in your head - open communication with him. Let him know how serious the problem is. Try getting a sitter and going out to eat or dress up sexy and go out dancing together.. make it a weekly event if possible. Start focusing on yourself a bit, start riding horses again.. basically start making yourself happy.

 

I would try some of these approaches before you drop the NILWAD (Not-In-Love-Want-A-Divorce)" bomb on your husband. Flushing 10 years with a decent husband is pretty drastic. Your going to really crush the guy. I know my wife is now really regretting ever saying that to me.

 

That was my situation almost exactly. Problem was, my wife just didn't tell me what was going on. Not a word. Things could still have been really great if only she'd opened her mouth.

 

I'll tell you something crucial here: talking is very, very underrated.

[Billy Bob]

And to respond to some other things...to say, "pick up riding, do something for yourself"...right now just getting up at 4am so I can go to the gym for an hour is all I can handle. I wish I could just go out and ride or do something for myself but there is NO time.

 

Make time, tell your husband to watch the kids a few nights a week. Leave when he comes home from work, let him make dinner for the kids, himself and put them to bed. You can redefine your roles as parents if you want. Is there some reason your husband can't do this?

 

Maybe I'm not seeing something here? But if I were your husband I would much rather take care of the kids a few nights a week than lose my wife and marriage.

[Billy Bob]

I would love to be able to just wake up one morning and say, "OMG, I am so in love w/ my husband" and there is all this passion and butterflies in my tummy.

 

Unfortunately this may occur a year after you leave him, when he is no longer in-love with you and he's involved with another woman.

 

It really comes back to the fact that I have no feelings for him. I just don't love him. I'm going to try counceling because I need to make sure there is not something that I am mirroring onto him.

 

Well, at least your looking into the fact that it might be just you.. If it does turn out that you just really don't love the guy after 10 years then at least you gave it a shot. Good luck.

[Lollie72]

She's said she married a guy she met when she was 18, and maybe she didn't have a clue what love was and has forced herself to stay....all of these years out of guilt..etc...

[Guest]

She's said she married a guy she met when she was 18, and maybe she didn't have a clue what love was and has forced herself to stay....all of these years out of guilt..etc...

 

 

Just to clear a few things up, we met when I was 18, started dating just before I turned 19. I'm 28 now and we have been married 5 1/2 years...two little ones under 4.

Also, he works a lot. For me to say, "come home early and watch the kids so I can go out" or whatever, seems unfair. He helps out when he can, it's just not very often. Yeah, I'm sure he'd would prefer to do that than lose his wife, but he would also probably resent me for giving him an ultimatum about it, don't you think?

[justdontlovehim]

I went ahead and got a "name" because it looks like I will be here for a while. Anyway, I did want to clear something up. I was 18 when we met, we started dating just before I turned 19, I'm 28 now and we've been married for 5 1/2 years.

 

I sent this as a "guest" also...but not sure if it went through...I don't see it.

Anyway, the advice is great and is really making me think about things. Nothing really has changed, but I'm aleast seeing there may be hope somewhere.

 

There isn't a whole lot to work on right now for the two of us as he is out of town on business for the next 8 weeks. But I will be working on figuring out what my hang up/s with him are.

[Billy Bob]

out of town on business for the next 8 weeks

 

WTF? No wonder your going nuts.. What kind of job has him out of town for 2 months at a time? That's real hard on a relationship, especially when your the sole person taking care of the household.. just ask the military wives. Does this happen often?

 

Perhaps you better have a heart-to-heart with your husband about his career choice and what it is doing to your relationship.

[Trimmer]

Yeah, I'm sure he'd would prefer to do that than lose his wife, but he would also probably resent me for giving him an ultimatum about it, don't you think?

Well, I don't believe it has to be an "either/or" situation: either you leave him, or the only other way to handle it is to give him an ultimatum... Isn't there some happy medium in there where you guys discuss what is and isn't working for you within your marriage and your family, and come to a mutual agreement as to how to handle it, and what contributions each person will make?

 

As I've said elsewhere (and you'll hear it from others, too), if my spouse had communicated just how unhappy, or unfulfilled, or "un-whatever" she was, I believe that simply out of love for her (not even needing to be prodded by a fear of losing her), I would have been quite willing and eager to discuss changes we could make. And the earlier we learned to communicate about those things and start to make those changes, the stronger we would be today.

 

So, I believe you can have that discussion (possibly with the aid of a marriage counselor, if you need that help) without it having to be an ultimatum with your finger poised over the "destruct" button.

 

And frankly, if you see "hope", as you said, then that's a really good sign.

 

Have you considered trying individual counseling, just to get some things sorted out, since your husband is away for a while?