second chance problems

[123456]

I really need some advice involving the relationship with my gf…this is a long story but I hope I could get some help.

 

For 2 years now, ive been with this girl (shes 18 and im 19), and we’re very much in love.

 

However, I recently made a huge mistake that I regret very much. Basically, I discovered a few “questionable” pictures of her with other guys while I was angry during a typical fight (pictures of her hugging guys, etc: nothing confirming cheating). Seeing how one of the pictures involved a guy I EXTREMELY hate (which she is well aware of), my judgment was severely clouded and immediately assumed that she was cheating. I believed at the time that she betrayed me, and the whole relationship up to that point felt like a lie. Seeing how we were in a fight at the time, she decided she needed at least a day to calm down, i.e. no talking (we usually talk everyday)…so my attempts to have some clarity in the matter failed since she ignored all my calls. I also left numerous messages questioning those pictures. Seeing how I was never cheated on in my entire life, and how much I loved her, I became seriously depressed. In my depressed state, I eventually sought to escape the pain through suicide that same day.

 

Long story short, my attempt at suicide MIRACULOUSLY failed (a serious understatement) and was given a second chance at life. I received psychiatric help and I no longer have any desire to attempt suicide again. Its also important to note that her and her parents were able to realize that my intentions involved suicide, since I left a note stating my “last words” beforehand.

 

Putting all that aside, her parents were always strict and protective people. The mom, for instance, hated me for unknown reasons even though I was always extra courteous around her from day 1. Although they initially accepted us, there was a gap of alittle more than1 year where we were forced to keep our relationship a secret. Eventually, through a lot of effort, they accepted us once again. With the suicide attempt however, they forbid me to ever talk or see her again…they threatened me with legal matters if I tried. They also get angry at her for simply talking about the event, despite the fact that she was extremely depressed that it happened. In addition, my family told me to never have contact with her again with fears involving the legal threats. (my parents always supported and encouraged the relationship before)

 

Due to her parents’ reactions, I became more and more depressed that I couldn’t even speak to her, let alone apologize to her. However, she randomly started talking to me online a few weeks after the incident which allowed me to apologize for my actions. In addition to an apology from her side, I was also able to confirm that nothing had occurred between her and any other guy. Soon, we were able to reconcile, and once again confirmed that we still wanted to be together. We determined that we cant have the title of bf and gf for a long time, but we promised to be loyal to eachother and do our best to not hurt eachother anymore. We talk online, talk on the phone rarely, and are thinking of ways to physically see eachother soon.

 

I really love this girl and I know she loves me too…and I want to marry her eventually. However, we must keep our relationship secret from everybody (especially our parents) due to the risk. We both feel that the risk is worth it. For now, i continue on with the mentality that any relationship can work as long as you make an effort to make it work. I understand why we were put into this situation, but nonetheless, I want to make an effort to improve our current situation.

 

I want to be stay with her no matter wat, but I have so much doubt since we were not able to have a proper relationship we once had. Should we consider talking to our parents (which seems extremely risky and difficult)? Should we simply keep the relationship a secret? Should I force myself to abandon the relationship?

 

HELP!

[Kengne]

I really love this girl and I know she loves me too…and I want to marry her eventually. However, we must keep our relationship secret from everybody (especially our parents) due to the risk. We both feel that the risk is worth it. For now, i continue on with the mentality that any relationship can work as long as you make an effort to make it work. I understand why we were put into this situation, but nonetheless, I want to make an effort to improve our current situation.

 

I want to be stay with her no matter wat, but I have so much doubt since we were not able to have a proper relationship we once had. Should we consider talking to our parents (which seems extremely risky and difficult)? Should we simply keep the relationship a secret? Should I force myself to abandon the relationship?

 

First of all - the parents threatening you with legal action is pure hogwash. HELLO - both of you are of legal age, and thus BOTH of you can date whomever you want. Even if they tried, her parents could not get a restraining order or do anything legal against you. They are no longer her legal guardians and cannot act on her behalf WITHOUT her consent, given that she is mentally competent adult. So just forget all that mess they're saying to scare you away from her. They're prolly just worried because if you attempted suicide before, who's to stop you from attempting it again... or worse, attempting to kill HER if you tht for some reason she was cheating on you or didn't want to be with you? You MUST understand why her parents feel this protective of her.

 

Second... you mentioned that you two cannot, or do not have the title of bf/gf? So are you together, or are you guys NOT together but just 'working things out'?

 

Last... it takes more than love to make a rel'ship work. Because of your insecurities & suicide attempt... naturally her parents are no longer gung ho on you! They probably believe you are mentally unstable, and a hazard to their daughter. Seriously, you cannot expect them to be ok with you as they were before! So I hate to say it, but you really did bring this on yourself so there's no point in crying about or wishing things now were as before. I just hope you really are 'ok' after your stint at the psychiatric ward.

 

In any case, if you really care about and want to be with this girl - then it seems like you're going to have to keep the rel'ship under wraps for now. There's no point in bringing this forth to the parents and trying to force them to like it. They won't, period, RIGHT NOW. So just let it be... and focus on more important things e.g. strengthening your rel'ship and communication skills so that an incident like the suicide attempt doesn't happen EVER again.

 

Keep the rel'ship a secret for now... until such time as SHE is confident & strong enough to face HER parents. It needs to be HER choice, and one she can only make when she is ready. Don't push the issue for now.

 

Good luck!

 

K.

[123456]

WOW thanks...that just the kind of advice i wanted to hear.

 

By the way, the reason me and her decided not to keep the title of gf/bf is so we can keep our relationship as secret as possible. For now, even our friends dont know that we are still "together" (aka we broke up), and they have no idea about the attempt at suicide. We just feel that by doing this, it will prevent further risk involving her parents finding out about us, since we dont want other people accidentally asking questions like, "how are you two doing?" in front of the parents. This is especially critical since her parents dont even let her mention my name as i stated before.

 

I am well aware that my own problems (insecurities, etc) caused this situation. However, i cant take back wat happened and im forced to deal with this incredibly difficult predicament. That said, i accepted my wrongdoings...and i am im trying hard to keep our current relationship stable and happy. So i guess wat im trying to say is that we have love, but thats not all that we have keeping us together.

 

Without a doubt, im not going to attempt to mend things with her parents or mine anytime soon. But it gives me alot of hope to realize that her parents cannot make the decision for her to start legal action. The only issue i have is, she is an only child and they are very protective of her. In addition, she seems to follow almost EVERYTHING her parents tell her to do. Dealing with an upcomming divorce, i feel that her parents are somewhat mentally unstable, and their actions are getting more and more irrational. She feels responsibility to keep them happy as possible, which is why she continues to obey their every command. I have often realized this and presented the argument that their actions are irrational...however, she always lives by the principle that parents always comes before bf. Thats my only fear...even though we both want to continue to be together, i dont think she'll ever have enough motivation to disobey her parents and admit our relationship.

 

Of course ill keep the relationship secret for a looong time, im still worried that she'll ever develop the courage to admit our secret to her parents. I just hope her and her parents one day mature from the "daddy's little girl" mentality, and learn that shes a full adult now.