debbiB Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I have been married for over 25 years and he has always been verbally abusive and mean but he never used his fist....he did tonite....I don't even know how to begin to make changes... I have to stand up for myself but I am not sure if I can. Link to post Share on other sites
Lollie72 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I have been married for over 25 years and he has always been verbally abusive and mean but he never used his fist....he did tonite....I don't even know how to begin to make changes... I have to stand up for myself but I am not sure if I can. Before you allow it to become normal for you as you have the verbal abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Do not allow this to continue, not for another moment. Tell someone. If there are no children leave immediately. If there are leave immediately. Don't think there is nothing you can do. Do you have a sipportive family? Tell them. There is NO shame on you, do not allow the embarressment to hold you back, it is HIS shame. The stigma is HIS, not yours. Men who treat women like this should be exposed, all the time, and every time. Cowards and fools. Call the police if you have to, they are used to dealing with spousal abuse, or check to see if there are some support groups in your area that will help you to get out of this intolerable situation. Remember not all men are snivelling little women beaters. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Call a domestic violence line and tell your story. Verbal abuse counts as abuse. It's time to leave this jerk. Standing up for yourself won't help - it'll probably make things worse. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 If you want to save the marriage get counseling. I hold the very controversial belief that longterm relationships that have a constant low level of abuse are mutually abusive and involve a sick feedback loop that invovles both parties. Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 She said he finally smacked her... I'm not sure what that means, but if he punched her she needs to get out of the relationship. run run run... Move over to you moms or friends, probably should go to the police and file assault and a restraining order. Real men never smack a woman around, do yourself a favor and do not minimalize this! This is a really big deal. If you have stayed in the marriage through all of this verbal abuse, take this first sign of physical abuse as the catalyst to moving on with your life without him. A real husband would never hit his wife let alone any woman. Don't listen to his excuses, leave. Link to post Share on other sites
sugarplum Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 dump him. period. Link to post Share on other sites
clamchowderz Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 get counsoling. 25 years and this is the first time, he made a mistake. im sure other things were going on and i highly doubt you were on your best behavoir. when emotions and anger are at a high level sometimes people act out. your husband acted out and hit you. im sure he wasnt trying to hurt you or kill you he just wanted you to stop and you werent. talk to him about this, tell him how it made you feel and how you feel now. if he does it again then consider leaving, but not now, not after 25 years. this is something that you both can work through together. Link to post Share on other sites
DesperateDad Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 You MUST take some action. Call the police. Call a domestic abuse hotline. You need to do something serious to show him the seriousness of this behavior and that there are serious consequences. Draw a line in the sand. Get out of this situation immediately. If you believe this relationship can be saved, get into counseling, but only after you've taken some action to show that this behavior will NEVER be tolerated. Your refusal to be abused does not necessarily mean that you can never reconcile. It just sets up boundaries to protect you and your dignity. Link to post Share on other sites
Lollie72 Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 get counsoling. 25 years and this is the first time, he made a mistake. im sure other things were going on and i highly doubt you were on your best behavoir. when emotions and anger are at a high level sometimes people act out. your husband acted out and hit you. im sure he wasnt trying to hurt you or kill you he just wanted you to stop and you werent. talk to him about this, tell him how it made you feel and how you feel now. if he does it again then consider leaving, but not now, not after 25 years. this is something that you both can work through together. Progress this way, and they don't go backwards easily once they've crossed this line I believe. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 You need to do something drastic to send the signal to him that this kind of behavior is completely unacceptable. A physical separation is in order for at least a few days so he gets the signal that his behavior is killing the marriage. I've been married 25 yrs too so I know how hard it is to walk away--children, $$, lives entwined. But you've got to right now. If you don't, you're telling him it's ok that his abuse has escalated to hitting you. Once apart, you can decide what you want for the marriage to continue and demand it. You CAN do this. And you have to. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 i highly doubt you were on your best behavoir. when emotions and anger are at a high level sometimes people act out. your husband acted out and hit you. im sure he wasnt trying to hurt you or kill you he just wanted you to stop and you werent This is the kind of mistake too many women make - thinking that verbal abuse is 'ok' and that there's no real abuse unless you're bleeding. That's entirely incorrect. She has been verbally abused for years. Do not blame the victim for the behaviour of the abuser. There is NO excuse for hitting. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 She said he finally smacked her... I'm not sure what that means, but if he punched her she needs to get out of the relationship. run run run... Move over to you moms or friends, probably should go to the police and file assault and a restraining order. Real men never smack a woman around, do yourself a favor and do not minimalize this! This is a really big deal. If you have stayed in the marriage through all of this verbal abuse, take this first sign of physical abuse as the catalyst to moving on with your life without him. A real husband would never hit his wife let alone any woman. Don't listen to his excuses, leave. Don't be going ~ be gone! Just that plain! Just that simple! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 acceptable time for a man to hit a woman is in self-defense as she's trying to plunge a butcher knife into his heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 25, 2006 Share Posted June 25, 2006 Read Lundy Bancroft books, Why does he do that? Go to Patrica Evans website, Verbal Abuse, she also has books The verbally abusive relationship, Controlling people and Survivors of Verbal Abuse all good books. Another good website, Dr Irens's. Do not blame yourself for this EVER...think about how mad you get, have you ever hit someone? If the answer is no then his behavior is out of hand. When you are verbally abused you will blame yourself for everything that happens. Link to post Share on other sites
been7077 Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 Take the advice, call the hotlines, call friends and get out. It will only escalate. You could be killed. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 Hi, I read your post and had to respond. I have seen this countless times. Domestic Violence.... I am in Law Enforcement... I don't know what your Domestic Violence policy is where you live... but it is getting pretty much standard through out North America.... zero tolerance! If your husband is not willing to get help...this can only get worse... for you! Domestic Violence follows a cycle. Good times ...gets worse, more pressure builds...gets worse verbal abuse...until the physical assaults happen and/ or increase. It then repeats itself over and over...getting increasingly worse. The more he gets away with it ..the more it can/ will happen. Get out of this now, if you don't want him to get in to real trouble.... if you must/should call the police, he would/ shoulfd be arrested.... I guess it all depends where you live. Speak with your local victim services or shelters to seek resources to help you. There is a lot out there for someone in your postion. He won't get better unless he want's to...or is forced too..and that doesn't always work. I have seen men beat there wife...get arrested for it...get seperated...get a new girlfriend... and get arrested for beating her...but the violence only increased. Take it from me...this is not a local problem in my area. It is all to common across North America. Take care of yourself.... keep this to yourself...and do something. SEEK HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
sweethonisti Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 i work with women that are abused. I work at a shelter where women will hide from a spouse that have put them through years of abuse - inorder to get clarity and start over if she choses. LIfe is about choices...you are better than that...i know it is easier said than done...but would you treat him that way? it is that simple rule...treat others as you would like to be treated and vice versa...if you let it continue ...it is as simple as ..."it will continue..." I can not say this enough...YOU ARE WORTH BEING LOVED THE WAY YOU DESERVE...YOU ARE WORTH IT YOU ARE WORTH IT YOU ARE WORTH IT....LIFE IS SHORT PLEASE GIVE YOURSELF THE CHANCE TO LIVE A SAFE HEALTHY LIFE... ...you may decide not to get out...he may scare you that much or have you feeling so bad about yourself that you can not see any other choices...but if you do decide to stay you are the only one to blame...if you can talk him into getting counseling and willing to work with him on that you are also moving in the right direction.... find support...you always have choices and listen to others because we can see more clearly because we are not in your situation... ...you are worth it...you can have happiness...I have never seen a woman come through our shelter that has not improved her life by getting out of an abusive relationship...it is hard ... and the hardest part is usually getting to know yourself again...and realizing that you are deserving of more....listen to your instincts...they are telling you what to do.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author debbiB Posted June 28, 2006 Author Share Posted June 28, 2006 Hi everyone...I have been having such a hard time lately. Wondering what in the world I am going to do; HOW I am going to do it...and the kids with all their demands and them not really understanding but I didn't expect them to.....seems like there is so much to decide and I don't even know where to begin. I do feel alot of frustration and anger and sometimes I just want to run away from everything....I feel so scared...I guess this is all normal...I will be glad when I am stronger. Anyway thanks for everyone's comments...they have been a real strength to me and an encouragement. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted June 28, 2006 Share Posted June 28, 2006 Yes, it is all overwhelming. Just take it a step at a time and don't forget to ask for the help you need. You CAN do this! Link to post Share on other sites
HelloKitty_HK Posted July 1, 2006 Share Posted July 1, 2006 My husband has 2 faces. He is a very good son to his parent. However, he would hit me if he got mad. I'm so struggling about this relationship. I'm 32 yrs old and no kid. We both making very good income. I really want to leave him, but I still love him. When he hit me or yell at me, I hide inside the clothset. My whole body was shaking so bad.... Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 1, 2006 Share Posted July 1, 2006 I'm 32 yrs old and no kid. We both making very good income. I really want to leave him, but I still love him. When he hit me or yell at me, I hide inside the clothset. My whole body was shaking so bad.... He doesn't love you. People don't hurt people they love. Leave before it's too late. Forget loving him. It won't fix him or help him. You can't always stay with everybody you love. It's sad, but some people you love are bad for you and you have to turn them over to God or whatever fate you believe in and save yourself. NOBODY should hit people they love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author debbiB Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 Well we have been separated for almost 2 weeks; I don't know what I am going to do...I don't know whether I should file for divorce or what; I am so indecisive...what is wrong with me. Also his sister in law is in the hospital with terminal cancer so that has thrown a wrench in the whole thing as it is something else to deal with and I care about her myself and so I am wondering how to even think at all plus my kids (they are 12 years old and up...teenagers) are all putting in their input of what I should do like it even matters. I wonder how I woke up and found myself in this situation of ???? I am so confused...not about him because I never want to live with him again but about how to work out all the details...to stay in this house or not...to sell the rentals....and I cannot make the decisions without consulting him; I guess. The black eye is almost healed but inside the wounds are bleeding. Any input would help...thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 You need real-life support to get you through this, which is hard, because chances are your social life has been isolated to H and your little world? Find a divorce recovery support group. Contact domestic violence center for support group. GET A LAWYER--a shark of a divorce lawyer. This is no time to play Ms Nice Girl. You need to have someone walk you through the process of everything you'll need to do, especially financially so you can protect your and your children's futures. It is overwhelming, and you may also find you need some medical help with depression and/or anxiety, so a trip to family dr. may be in order. Check out the separation/divorce threads on here for more practical advice. Good for you. Don't look back! Keep walking toward where you want to be--step by step by step. Link to post Share on other sites
Author debbiB Posted July 5, 2006 Author Share Posted July 5, 2006 thanks....that is helpful to me....I just don't know where to begin...but I have to begin somewhere....I am so scared and....but I just have to begin...probably the domestic violence ctr would be the first choice....I need to talk....I feel like crying all the time....at first I was soooo angry; now I want to cry, cry, cry....I feel like I am going crazy and all the stuff that has to be taken care of....wow and I don't work so how do I fit all of it in.....I have been beaten down to where my confidence level is zero so I have no confidence to even begin....the black eye is almost gone 2 weeks later but the pain inside is not....I don't know until I get going how it will turn out but thanks for the input...this has been my lifeline and my encourager for when I feel so weak and like "I can't do this".....but I know I can....thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
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