my husband hit me

[Becoming]

Have you documented the black eye with a photo and/or witnesses? Do this NOW!

 

You have been beaten down with emotional abuse that can make you feel helpless and hopeless. But there's a part of you that's fighting for your life. Trust that.

 

Yes, go to the domestic violence center. There are other women (and men) who know what you're going through there who can walk you through the process. We need that when we're in shock, which it sounds like you are--you're waking up to the realization of what your life has become, and it can be something of a shock to see how bad it really has been and that you tolerated it (which may be the biggest shock).

 

And the crying after the anger is normal (though scary!). You're in mourning for a big loss--the death of a dream that this can be the marriage you always hoped for. Now you know it won't ever be, and you've spent the better part of your life wishing for what it could be but he won't let be no matter what you do.

 

And just because you're not gainfully employed doesn't mean you're not working. You've raised and are raising children--the most difficult and important job there is.

 

Contact the domestic violence center TODAY and, among other things, ask for the name of a good divorce lawyer. You need to know what to do to protect you and your children financially at this point. And the sooner the better. Many divorce lawyers don't require payment up front; they'll wait for settlements, if that's what you're concerned about.

 

I'm gonna be checking on you, ok? What you're going through is one of the toughest things you'll ever have to face.

 

Prayers for your shalom!

[fireflywy]

Seek a professional agency that deals with abuse and then drop him and get out. There is no excuse for that.

[debbiB]

That makes sense; shock....maybe I am in shock....because I just want to just sit and cry.....now today I did get some things done that needed to be done...with the bills...but everyday there is something that needs to be done and I have to get the main things done. It all seems like a nightmare...how did I let myself end up like this....what in the world was I ever thinking....I see bits and parts now of myself and I am wondering where i went....it is like I have been hiding myself all this time afraid to come out because I had to try to be someone that I was not. And so I just kept trying to please everyone at the expense of losing me....even trying to please my children...anyway I thank you so much for just being there....you are a lifeline to me right now....my anchor to grab hold of and say...yes I can do this....thanks for being there. It means alot.

[Becoming]

Have you spoken with someone at domestic violence center?

 

Look up domestic violence on google.com and you'll see that what you're describing is common for abuse victims. You had to hide yourself, you thought, in order to survive. That part is still there, deep inside, and you'll have to draw on its strength and wisdom now to take care of you. The little girl who just wants to be taken care of has been betrayed. You're not living in a marriage, no matter how much you may want that. It's just not gonna be that with this guy. I'm sorry. I know how much that hurts to hear, and I mourn that loss. You may have a sacramental view of marriage that has led you to stay married all these years, but God doesn't want you to have to bury yourself alive. You were created to live, really live. That involves some pain in facing some harsh truths, but there is strength available from this spiritual power to see you through this. If you're not a praying woman, I am, and my prayers are for your blessed consolation and power to LIVE.

[debbiB]

i will look that up...i always thought i knew about abuse...i had read books and thought that i knew and understood but i really didn't until now because i was always willing to stay and you are right because of what I thought God's view was of marriage and of course the church I go to kept saying I should stay...how can they think you should stay when you are dying inside and there is nothing left of yourself...how can they not understand that? I really don't get that and it is amazing how many people don't really think it is wrong to be abused or they act like it is okay and you should stay...for this reason or that...the kids or finances or whatever....thanks for listening all of you....you will never know how much you have HELPED me...and thanks Becoming for being there and for your prayers too

[Outcast]

Humans make mistakes - they sometimes marry people who are completely wrong for them - and abusers are completely wrong for anyone. I seriously doubt that God would force anybody to be stuck with the results of an honest mistake and abused and punished for it. Jesus Himself broke laws and said that bad laws should be broken. He didn't insist every law be kept in every circumstance by any means.

[Becoming]

GRRRRR for your church! :mad: :sick:

Find another church. One that can read scripture without a bias against women, which the Bible as a whole does not have, though certain passages do. But if you look at Ephesians 5 the W is to submit to the H who is called to treat her like Christ does us. (I'm assuming you're Christian and you may not be. Sorry, if not. I know too many Christian churches complicit in keeping women down.)

 

God created you to love and be loved, not cower in fear and the darkness of hiding from someone else's abuse of power. God has given you sound judgment, love, and power--not a spirit of fear. Follow that power. Get your Bible out and read for yourself what's there instead of swallowing the lies of people who want to keep you "in your place." Your place is with God in the light of beauty and truth and love and equality and mutual respect. That's how God works.

 

Seriously, ask the domestic violence center for a church that understands what you're going through. Or friends. But you really need another church--one that values you as equally as they do a man.

 

We all want someone to take care of us and will tolerate a lot to get that from someone, but it's our job to take care of ourselves and our dependents relying upon that Higher Power.

[debbiB]

that's true....I will read my Bible....and we do as humans make mistakes and I know now after all these years; that abusers cannot feel; they are unable to love but I stayed in denial; I kept thinking I could change it all through prayer; through love; through something; but it NEVER changed and I just kept losing more of myself.....I could see the things that were going on but I thought I was stuck in the whole situation and so I stayed and it just got worse and worse until here I am. Abusers shift all the blame on you and pretty soon you do blame yourself for everything but it is the time for change and each day I feel a little stronger...not much but a little but I know that I am getting better a little each day. I am going to make it...I will and I will be okay someday...not afraid anymore; not looking in the mirror thinking how ugly I am but I will look in that mirrror and I will see somebody who is healed and able to smile and laugh again and most of all to love.

[Becoming]

Part of what it means to love is to refuse to have anything to do with whatever harms love and goodness. Resisting evil, calling those who do harm to confession, is also part of love.

 

I choose to love, but if another doesn't act in accord with love, I don't want anything to do with them.

 

Walk in the light. Resist evil in accord with God's love. You can't save your H with your actions; that's God's job. You can only act in accord with God's love, which includes judgment for the sake of shalom/love/goodness.

 

The power of God's shalom to you, beautiful child of the Most High.

[Chinook]

Debbi, I'm so sorry for your pain.

 

You've made the first move. You're in the grieving process... you have lost a life that you know. Abusive or not... you knew it. With it went all your hopes and dreams of the man you love changing. What you are experiencing right now is normal my dear. The future from now means you have a duty to recover yourself and to forge ahead on life's path. God has given you this opportunity to make the best from your life and for your children. Staying with your husband no matter what he says / does is a bad move.

 

1. Get a lawyer. Someone to fight your corner.

2. Talk to family and friends about what happened. Remove the taboo. You did nothing wrong. No matter what you each said or did to each other, God does not give a man a right to strike another... least of all their partner.

3. Seek counselling. You will need bereavement counselling and help with your self-esteem.

4. Stay close to the church... but please, find another church. Most churches these days will not tolerate this kind of thing and alot have counselling services for domestic violence.

5. Thank god every day for your blessings. You are alive and you will recover from this. A stronger person will emerge. Unfortunate as it sounds, the saying 'what doesn't kill you will make you stronger' is true.

 

Peace to you lady

[debbiB]

well here i am again...i saw him last nite; my son wanted him to come to a basketball tournament and i can't really handle seeing him. I don't know when the pain will get better. I don't know and I am so sensitive to everything like I am raw course I have other things going on in my life besides this so I guess it is just an overload.

[Becoming]

Perfectly normal. Kinda like you have no skin and are just a raw, exposed jangle of nerve fibers? Keep on doing what you know to be right even though it may feel bad now. It will get better.

[debbiB]

I have to be careful to not talk to him because then I find my confidence slipping and I start questioning what I am doing...I am going to go see an attorney this week and I want to get into counseling because I am having issues within myself. I suppose all of that is normal after years and years of being abused; it is like being in a pot of cold water and then someone puts the pot on the stove and it keeps getting hotter and hotter but you don't even realize it because it all happened so gradually. I do know for anyone that is reading this that every day I feel a little stronger; yes I do have setbacks but I am going forward and I am going to be better! Abuse is wrong...hurting people is wrong and no matter how nice they act (that's the key....ACT) later it is just that---an act! It is not real...they don't know how to be real. I don't even know what part of him I loved or how I can even think I feel sorry for him...?? I do know that divorce is hard...it is painful...because you feel so empty and like you failed and this kind is maybe worse because you already feel like you failed everyone...but for the sake of my children--myself---I will do this--I will get a divorce--I will survive and I will be proud of myself someday.

[Craig]

...I will survive and I will be proud of myself someday.

 

I'm proud of you already.

[debbiB]

thanks.....it's getting better all the time..............you can do what you think you can...and if you think it is impossible; then it is but if you think that you can do it; then you can because in your mind you already did it!! I feel strength each day....the strength comes from knowing that I am doing the right thing....and saying no to what is wrong....wow I've needed to do this for a long time and there is such a powerful surge of energy knowing that I am doing it.....

[Becoming]

Yeah, you! And thanks for your encouraging words of truth.

 

You're gonna make it, and it's gonna be ok.

[debbiB]

Hi everyone.....I am going to take a trip this weekend to the coast so I hope it will be relaxing for me and the children....I saw him yesterday and I felt such anger so I don't think I can see him anymore....it is toxic for me...after seeing him i began questioning some things...and I could feel myself slipping into that well....maybe....and blaming myself...when will that ever end? And why do I do that? I wish I knew..

[Craig]

...and I could feel myself slipping into that well....maybe....and blaming myself...when will that ever end? And why do I do that? I wish I knew..

 

My answer from the bit of research I've done is I don't know and you know what? It doesn't matter so long as you are aware of it and don't go back to him. DebbiB, on average an abused woman will return 7 times to her abuser before leaving the relationship for good. So having the feelings you do are normal, absolutely 100% normal. Good on you for recognizing them and not going back!

[debbiB]

You know I was riding in the car tonite; just driving along and I realized that part of the problem is it is soooo sad because you have to face the simple fact that they really, really NEVER loved you and that is sad...but the good part of that is, that I do understand now, that he is incapable of loving anyone...so that does help alittle but it does seem like a lot of wasted years...but I do know that I feel FREE...I mean really free....and I know that no matter what I will never go back and I will never let (and that is the key, cuz I did let...) anyone treat me like that ever again....I don't want to hurt, I don't want to suffer...I do want to understand but only so I can understand myself and heal....that is the only understanding I want; for me and for my children....

[Becoming]

I am so wowed out by you, debbiB. You are amazing.

 

You deserve every bit of the freedom you are experiencing and the joy of the coast.

 

There is someone out there who will love you--don't doubt that. Just know that it's obviously not him.

 

Keep us posted, ok?

 

Blessings!

[luvtoto]

I have been married for over 25 years and he has always been verbally abusive and mean but he never used his fist....he did tonite....I don't even know how to begin to make changes... I have to stand up for myself but I am not sure if I can.

 

When I finally left my abusive X, I was scared to death...but, even more scared to stay.

 

As the police were carrying him off to jail for the night, I called the 24 hr/800 # the police handed to me. He told me to call, and that they will help me.

 

So, I called, and a very nice lady drove up to my house and took me and my kids away with just the shirts on our back.

 

She took us to a safe-house about an hour from where I lived.

 

I was scared to death! Luckily, my kids were too young to know what was happening.

 

They helped me take out a restraining order on my X.

 

I spent the next three months, just getting my head screwed on straight again. I abided by their rules, attended individual counseling, group counseling, and when I felt much better I had them help me buy a car...yep, it was $600, but they footed the bill. They helped me find a job as well.

 

Then, I was put in public housing. Which was really nice. I finally had my own apartment which the housing authority paid for until I could eventually get back on my feet.

 

I, also, journaled during that time. It's very interesting looking back on those days now. Man, that guy really messed with my head and self-esteem.

 

Anyways, you can not do this on your own, unless you have a hugely supportive family...and maybe that might not be enough.

 

If you are going to up and leave an abusive man...hiding (safe-house) may be the safest way to go.

[Outcast]

Anyways, you can not do this on your own, unless you have a hugely supportive family...and maybe that might not be enough.

 

With all due respect, I think that's unnecessarily pessimistic. I did it on my own. Now the guy wasn't dangerous; he even arranged to be out of the house while I packed and never trangressed that agreement, but still I think if you need to do it, you'll manage.

 

I completely agree with contacting people in DV organizations who can help you but some places have better facilities than others and sometimes you do have to fend for yourself a bit but it's not impossible.

[luvtoto]

With all due respect, I think that's unnecessarily pessimistic. I did it on my own. Now the guy wasn't dangerous; he even arranged to be out of the house while I packed and never trangressed that agreement, but still I think if you need to do it, you'll manage.

 

I completely agree with contacting people in DV organizations who can help you but some places have better facilities than others and sometimes you do have to fend for yourself a bit but it's not impossible.

Well, we all have our own experiences, don't we?

 

I was fearing for my life when I left my X. He told me he would kill me if I left him with the kids. After I left, he ran his car into a tree to attempt suicide. He was ok physically, but I'm glad i was in a safe hiding place.

 

I am glad that your x and you were able to remain civil, outcast.

[debbiB]

Well my trip to the coast was very relaxing. I loved watching the waves, watching my children interact with each other. It meant alot. I can see myself changing. I am not sure exactly how I am changing but I can see it and I know that I am changing. Hopefully I will change for the better and through this experience of pain and hurt; I will grow to appreciate life again..i will be able to look at things and see that good can come and not be waiting for the bad...when you are abused; everything in your world is colored with "expectations for the bad" and I want that to change...to be able to believe in love; to believe in goodness to know that there are good people in the world....and for a woman that has been severely abused to once again believe that; yes, there are good men in the world....I mean how else can I raise good sons; if I don't believe they can be good men? This forum has been so good for me. I have had to look at myself....and decide what I want to do.....this forum has been my mirror....

[Craig]

Well my trip to the coast was very relaxing. I loved watching the waves, watching my children interact with each other. It meant alot. I can see myself changing. I am not sure exactly how I am changing but I can see it and I know that I am changing. Hopefully I will change for the better and through this experience of pain and hurt; I will grow to appreciate life again..i will be able to look at things and see that good can come and not be waiting for the bad...when you are abused; everything in your world is colored with "expectations for the bad" and I want that to change...to be able to believe in love; to believe in goodness to know that there are good people in the world....and for a woman that has been severely abused to once again believe that; yes, there are good men in the world....I mean how else can I raise good sons; if I don't believe they can be good men? This forum has been so good for me. I have had to look at myself....and decide what I want to do.....this forum has been my mirror....

 

Wow. Beautiful post. Thank you for writing such wonderful and inspiring words.