my husband hit me

[debbiB]

well here I am again...the days just keep going by...I am reading a good book on The Emotionally Abused Woman and it is opening my eyes to things I never realized...well I did realize them but I kept them in the back of my mind and you don't realize how it has affected you. We are what we were....we didn't change....when we were growing up; the things that hurt us are probably still hurting us but just in a different way. The ways that we were hurt may be causing us to expect to be hurt now...does that make sense? Wow isn't that crazy? Anyway the book is really something I need to read. I am trying to move on but I am unsure about the direction...do I go to school...do I go to work....what is best...still trying to decide...but I know I will do the best thing for me....and it has been a long time since I thought of me...when you are being abused; you think of yourself but not in a way that matters....you are constantly trying to impress others so that someone somewhere will tell you that you are okay....but you know what until you believe you are okay...there aren't enough words to say that you are that will help...you have to believe it...then you know it and only then...but you can't see it until you are not being abused anymore because the biggest abuser is not the one who is abusing you; it is yourself...because we allow it.

[Love_the_Loni]

If it had always been some sort of abuse and (even if a slow progression) continues to escalate is a very bad sign. Bad for you, your kids and your future!

 

Get out. You only get one run at your life--you don't deserve to live it like this--make it count!

[debbiB]

It's a bad day for me...I keep crying and crying. I thought I was doing so good...and my feelings...they are on my shoulders...wow anything gets to me. I feel like I am drowning....I mean, I know it's over, I know I have to move on but how do I shake the feelings of .... whatever this is....all things end I guess and the profound sadness of that is eating me up....I am disappointed in myself....for going backwards....I should go back to the ocean....the waves washed over me and I felt free....now I feel so very sad....and scared all over again.....

[Outcast]

Grieving is not a straight path. It's a roller coaster. Some days you feel great and you think 'yeah - that's it - I'm over all the awfulness!!!' And then all of a sudden - BAM - you're miserable again. It will go on for a while and then the BAM bad days will stop happening. It happens even when you leave a man who hits you - you've lost more than just him, but all your dreams for what a future could be that you had with him. You will get over this, I promise. But it does take time.

[debbiB]

I went to see the lawyer today and I am going to start the divorce proceedings and I am terrified...it feels like I am part of a snowball that is rolling down a hill and it is going to get bigger and bigger and I can't stop it....it is so scarey....so much unknown....I feel so out of control. Oh well; gotta do it. I mean it is not like I really have a choice. It is time for the end. I just hope it all works out well but I guess you really don't know. And life is like that anyway; we plan our tomorrows and next weeks but we don't really know what will be happening so it may change those plans but we go on with life like we really are in control but we really never are....we just think so....and I am rambling on....so someone encourage me that this really is the RIGHT thing to do....cuz it is getting scarey to me now...I mean I know I could never live with him again but a divorce is so final...so OVER...but me & him; we have been over for a long long time...I just never knew when to let go.

[Becoming]

The encouragement you need is in YOUR post, not mine.

 

I'm glad you had a great vacation and that you are indeed mourning and allowing the waves of sadness over what's been lost to wash over you because that's the only way to be cleansed and healed. Outcast, as usual, nailed the whole grieving process.

 

You know you need to file the papers and be prepared for the onslaught. It helps me to pray for the Spirit to shield me from all harm with a barrier that will still allow all the bad stuff to drain out of me without allowing any of it in. In the midst of all the blame-slinging, then, I just mentally "bubble up" which allows me some rational distance away from simply reacting on my feelings.

 

Of course, that's on a good day . . . Still learning I need to do that on bad days, too.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. You are where you are. I perceive a wise woman who is choosing good, despite the pain that that momentarily brings. What courage! Yeah, you! :bunny: