pre-wedding jitters from hell

[arthur200]

I’m at my wits’ end. I guess you could call it pre-wedding jitters from hell. I am due to get married in 7 weeks. Right now I am seriously questioning if this is the right thing to do. I need to vent……

 

My bride-to-be (B2B) and I are having some serious communication issues and currently our relationship is about as intimate as business associates who don’t like each other very much.

 

There is quite a lot of organisation still to do for the wedding, but nothing that will take much effort or time. My B2B sees it differently however. She has become so obsessed with the details of the wedding that the person she is marrying (me) doesn’t spend any quality time with her. Almost every evening after work I ask what she has planned, not once has the ensuing rapid fire list included spending time together. When asked if she would like to spend time together her reply is either a “funny look” or “I haven’t got time” or “when”. Currently it is not possible to fit in a relationship around her work (which she brings home), two children (7 & 9, who are not mine but I always help get them sorted in the evening), choosing tomorrow’s outfit, having a bath, checking the wedding list, exercising (which she won’t do with me in the house), washing up (which I do when she leaves it for 10 minutes), spending time on wedding message boards, adding things to the wedding “to do” list, blaming me for everything, etc…

 

My B2B is rapidly turning into a control freak, I’m finding myself fearing going home to the inevitable torrent of stress, blame, and chaotic time management. Our relationship is already turning into the cliché marriage… I’m under the thumb and will do almost anything for an easy life, we’re not even married yet and our sex life has almost vanished, I’d rather spend time in the garage than in the house, we argue almost every day and the only way out is to give in to “her way” or argue some more. My B2B seems to thrive on stress, even the simplest of tasks can be turned into a trauma / scene, often resulting in her using me as a verbal punch bag as she vents her steam.

 

I am a very laid back person, and admittedly will leave things to the last minute. B2B sees this as not caring, no matter how many times I tell her otherwise. I don’t like stress and see it as unnecessarily speeding up the aging process. I get things done, and done well, normally just in time.

 

I have told her that I want us both to see a counsellor, I need her to hear how important it is to me that we MAKE time for our relationship, after all the wedding is supposed to be a celebration of our union. She has agreed to come, but hates me for suggesting that we are not perfectly fine.

 

I am truly terrified of committing myself to a life like this. I’m sure things will calm down after the wedding, but I’m starting to see a trend. Everything is made more complicated than it needs to be, B2B will not allow any spare time in her schedule, it used to be filled with spending time with me, guess I’m low priority now she’s “got” me.

 

I am supposed to be writing my vows at the moment, and all I can think of is “please don’t kill me”.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Arthur

[SoleMate]

You came to the right place, and your question is definitely timely.

 

It's actually quite common for a bride-to-be to go berserk in the way you describe. Many/most of them do return to normal after the craziness of the wedding. For some reason, the wedding fantasy takes hold. It may feel like her chance to achieve public validation of her happiness, e.g. the quality of the wedding is a reflection of the quality of the marriage. You and I know that's not true, but frankly, I would probably hesitate to say that if I were in your shoes.

 

I think the counselling is a great idea, and it's good that she has agreed to go, however gracelessly. She really needs to hear what the lack of couple time is doing to your feelings about her and the partnership.

 

Before the wedding planning got crazy, how long had you been together, and how well did your relationship work?

[arthur200]

We met in November 2004, and have been engaged for 11 months, living together for 9 months.

 

Previously our relationship has been strong, open, fun and fairly relaxed. Not to say that everything has been perfect... we've both had the occasional "hiccup" but we've always managed to work through stuff.

 

Over the last few months she has become more and more controlling and spending much less energy on us.

 

It's been a crazy crazy time though, there's been so much going on outside that we've had little control over. I guess this is one of the things that bothers me most. In times of trouble we should turn to each other gaining strength from the 'team' / relationship, but we are actually drifting further apart right now. This really makes me sad, and scared for the future resilience of our marriage. I really need to turn this around, I just hope I can get her to see my perspective.

[slinkysu]

Woah! Bridezilla alert!

 

Is there any way you can geta baby sitter over to look after the kids in the evening and just take her out to dinner and re-connect? It sounds like she has put everything onto her plate and is now struggling under the weight of it all. Is there anything you can help out with? Invites? Chasing RSVP's? Speaking to the florist? She needs to learn to share the burden of it all with you and i fully appreciate that you are suffering from lack of communication. Her responses to you seem atypical of an over-stressed and emotional B2B, but that doesn't make it fair and if it is causing you to doubt your relationship then you really need to talk. Is her mother or family at all involved? Do they have roles? What about bridesmaids? They should be helping with the stress of it all to.

 

If she is a perfectionist you're onto a toughie as it's very difficult for them to let go of control and they never seem to understand that 'perfect' never happens!

 

I know this is your problem and you are seeking help, so it may sound like odd advice to maybe draw her a bath for when she gets in, or send her for a facial or a manicure, or take her out to dinner, but it sounds as if she is losing herself in all this madness and i am sure she is just as lost and confused as you.

 

Try and get someone to watch the kids and take her out to dinner - put the wedding stuff down for a couple of hours and try to re-connect.

 

Good luck!

[Guest]

i would agree with Slinkysu - try to take her out to dinner, or surprise her at work with a picnic lunch, something that makes her feel incredibly special... (i think away from the house is best so she's not near lists/plans etc).

 

It sounds like she has taken on a lot of organising for the wedding and probably doesn't feel that you're giving her any help or support so that's why the funny looks... though that said it doesn't sound like she's letting you help or support her either so its a classic catch 22.

 

If you can try to get her away from it all, talk to her about your concerns and offer to go through the list of things to do for the wedding and divide it up between you.

 

You also (if away from kids and other distractions) need to let her know how important spending time together is as a couple and to you and that you want to continue doing that after you're married as well.

[arthur200]

I've tried taking her out to dinner / movies. It would seem that she enjoys this 1 on 1 time to have my undivided attention to talk more about the wedding plans. I've talked and talked with her about needing to find a balance between planning the wedding and keeping our relationship going. Her favourite answer at the moment is "what do you want me to do.?" i answer "try to make time for us as a couple" (and repeat).

 

It is tough, her family and friends don't live nearby and are often less than helpful so the brunt of the organisation is down to us. But there's so little left to do now:

 

make a seating plan

speak to the photographer

speak to the florist

choose music for the ceremony, dinner & disco

get some ribbon for the cars

speak to the registrar

buy gifts for the ushers

print off menus for the tables

 

That's stuff i can help with, but i guess B2B's head if full of cellulite, broken nails, lipstick, something old, being perfect etc... which i can't help with, and really don't need to be perfect. I love her for her, not how good her nails will look. I really wish she could see that and take it on board. I've tried, but it's like bashing my head against a brick wall at the moment.

[norajane]

It's great that you're seeking counseling before marriage! This could just be Bridezilla problem, or this could be the first major undertaking you two are doing together and it's a sign of how things will be after you are married for any other significant (or even insignificant) events.

 

You indicated that things had been fairly smooth in your relationship up to this point. What about her relationships with others? With her colleagues at work? Does she have these controlling tendencies in other areas of her life? If so, you need to figure out if you can accept that about her as control freaks rarely become less controlling.

 

If she is not this way in other aspects of her life, it's probably just wedding stuff. Some women want it to be 'perfect' and will mow down everyone in sight to make sure it comes off that way. You may just have to grin and bear it until after the reception...and pray she doesn't break a nail!

[Cecelius]

I think you need to firmly, but politely, put an end to this.

 

Are you not getting married too? Or is your attendence optional?

 

Make her relax, and make it clear that the process WILL BECOME MORE RELAXED, or you will not be there come wedding day.

 

What this does show is that she may become fixated on things and become presumptuous about others -- you need her to understand that that ends before you are going to get married. If you let this slide, you will be in for it with each successive event (house purchase, renovation, etc.)

[Guest]

that short list still seems quite scarily long - there's lots to be thought of and actioned in there... I would be quite freaked out.

 

Ok so maybe when taking her to dinner/movies (although you can't talk at the movies) you could say 'Ok you have 1 hour to talk about everything to do with the wedding and then we're going to talk about other things, like how you are? what colour you want to paint the bedroom? what you think about your boss at work? what you think of our current foreign policy' etc... If she gets upset/mad tell her that it's important to you to talk about other things and make sure her schedule is clear to have enough time to talk about the wedding and then other stuff. If you do the wedding stuff first she will feel like you've heard her and gotten everything she needs to sort out done, then her mind will be free to talk about other things.

 

Also what you said about how you love her and don't care if her nails are broken etc I would suggest buy her a card and write that stuff down... I'd be incredibly touched if I received card like that told me that my man loved me for who I am not how i look (i'd probably cry), even though I know it and even if he tells me a card is much more personal/permanent, I can keep with me forever (its a girlie thing).

[arthur200]

I'm getting some great advice here. A testament to this community.!!

 

My favourites so far have to be

Are you not getting married too? Or is your attendence optional?

even though I know it and even if he tells me a card is much more personal/permanent, I can keep with me forever (its a girlie thing).

Woah! Bridezilla alert!

...and pray she doesn't break a nail!

lol

 

Thanks guys

[bab]

Hi arthur,

I just recently got married, and I can understand what you are both going through. Planning a wedding is super stessful on the bride. I hated making decisions, and everything was my decision. And even if I would delagate it to my now husband, if it "went wrong" then everyone was going to assume that I screwed it up. (Obviously that isn't true, but it was how I was feeling). My now husband was the same way with the tasks that I gave him. He'd get them done....eventually. But it drove me insane. I started to feel like if I did them on my own they would be less stressful. Luckily we talked about it, and I realized that everything didn't have to be perfect (which ironically I was only really worried about what others would think of me if it wasn't perfect, I actually didn't care about it being perfect). I calmed down, and he agreed to take on a more agressive role, i.e. not waiting until the last minute, even though he knew he could. I definintely wasn't a bridezilla (although this reads like I was) by a long shot. But without the support of my now husband, I could've been. And the wedding was a blast. We decided to go with less of a plan and less formal, and it allowed me to roll with the punches. Hey, if there is no timetable, it's harder to get stressed out about being off of it.

 

Good luck. I'm sure she will pull through after the wedding. It really is an unbelievable stressful event for one person to feel like they are planning all themselves.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Planning a wedding is not that big of a deal unless you make it. It took me 4 months to plan mine. Maybe b/c I'm more easygoing and when someone pitches an idea to me I'm like "OK go for it!" But you have to realize that she needs this day to be perfect. Don't think that b/c shes micro managing the planning of this wedding, means she's going to do this for the rest of your lives together. This is the one times of her life where theres leeway to be bitchy. We think about this day since were born and if we don;t get it perfect..its the men who pay. I would address it that she's getting a little carried away. Tell her no matter how much planning she's doing and how much nitpicking she's doing...something WILL go wrong. its inevitable.

Counseling is a great idea! work it out before you make a mistake!

Good luck

[arthur200]

Well, we've got our 1st councelling session tomorrow. So wish us luck.

 

I'm not sure what to bring up in the session, I don't want to come across like a moaner, and don't want my other half to feel bullied, but at the same time there's a big old pile of stuff I really need to resolve asap.

[littlekitty]

Hey Arthur, good to see you back here. Sorry it's because of a problem.

 

I have to chime in with the other brides and say that organising a wedding is stressful. I have a wedding co-ordinator at the venue we booked, so that takes some pressure off, but regardless, I'm still stressing already and it's still 16 months away!!! The money, the little bits that I want to be perfect, this, that, and the bloody over!

 

I'm not turning into Bridezilla yet, and I hope to God that I won't, but I can see how easy it is to get stressed, to let this stuff get on top of you, and probably to take it out on your stbh.

 

The councelling sounds a brilliant idea. Don't worry about what to bring up, the professional will know how to steer things and how to get all the issues out into the open. Your other half shouldn't end up feeling bullied, a good councellor wouldn't let that happen I would hope. But you should be able to bring up everything you feel you need to say. It might not all come out in the first session, just see how things go.

 

As someone else said. providing there's no real evidence of her behaving in this manner in other areas of her life, or in your relationship previously, I think you can put it down to stress over the wedding, and hopefully give her a chance. Remember, she's been planning this day ever since she was a little girl who could put a net curtain on her head and play the bride... she's trying to achieve her dream.

 

I'm not saying that her behavior is right, or the best way to deal with things, just that she probably isn't purposely doing it. Hopefully the councelling will help her see your side and you can work through it all.

 

Good luck and my best wishes. Let us know how you get on tomorrow.

[arthur200]

Hi again kitty, and congrats on your engagement:). I'm often on LS but tend to stay quiet unless I find something that i have experience of or need to rant / ask. When I've earnt my right to have my PM's enabled i'll say hi and catch up proper stylee.

 

Well, we went to our councelling session last night and i have to say... what a wicked (good) experience. after introductions and a bit of background we managed to demonstrate perfectly the reasons why I wanted to get a referee. My other half's opinion of councelling has changed from "no way" to "hmmm this might actually make things better"

 

All good

[littlekitty]

Hi again kitty, and congrats on your engagement:). I'm often on LS but tend to stay quiet unless I find something that i have experience of or need to rant / ask. When I've earnt my right to have my PM's enabled i'll say hi and catch up proper stylee.

 

Well, we went to our councelling session last night and i have to say... what a wicked (good) experience. after introductions and a bit of background we managed to demonstrate perfectly the reasons why I wanted to get a referee. My other half's opinion of councelling has changed from "no way" to "hmmm this might actually make things better"

 

All good

 

Thanks! Definately do that!

 

Glad to hear things went well...! Fingers crossed for you both!!

[Guest]

Hi Authur200

I've been thinking for a while about what you said earlier (I hope the counselling is going well by the way).

 

Now I'm not married or engaged or even have a bf at present so you can completely ignore my advice but what the hell I'm going to tell you anyway!!! (i wrote before about the card thing).

 

You said that when you go to dinner/movies she sees this as an opportunity to talk about the wedding - this could be because it's difficult at other times to talk about it when organising kids/other people/tv on/dinner/going to work etc so is prime oppportunity to ask you questions about it.

 

2nd and more importantly she may be wanting your opinion on things. I don't know if this happens but if she is asking you things like 'do you want blue flowers or pink in the aisles, do you think we should put Uncle Pete next to Betty or will that cause problems, what song do you want when we walk in? etc etc etc....'

 

If you answer 'I don't know, I don't mind, whatever you like, you choose, your better at these things, your preferences, I'm trying to watch TV, can't you decide etc etc' (you get the idea). Then this would be REALLY annoying. (I'm not saying you are by the way...)

 

If she asks your opinion on any of the above - she is asking because she values your opinion, ideas and judgement. If you brush it off it then that would make me feel like everything is down to me and I was being unsupported. So even if you don't care whether the flowers are blue or pink just give her an answer and have an opinion. (that would make me happy at least and feel like I've been heard and that a problem shared is a problem halved etc etc...)

 

It sound to me that you really love this girl and you want to make everything work so good luck. (and I hope that helps or feel free to ignore!!)

[arthur200]

Hi Again Guest.

 

Thanks for your posts. I did actually take your advice about giving her a card. It went down really well. and yes, i love her very very much.

 

I do listen to my bride's questions and thoughts, and will give my opinion / thoughts.. Our problem was that there wasn't ANY other topic of conversation, and that we have very different ways of tackling organization. She seems to have calmed down significantly now, I guess it helps that now the event is so close I'm a bit more focussed on it too.

 

But we have had some epic arguments, I think both of us have seriously thought about "callling the whole bl%%dy thing off". But they seem to have cleared the air, and she's making a "bit" more time for our relationship.

 

As for the councelling, I'd recommend it to anyone whether you have relationship problems or not. It really is an odd but great experience talking as you normally would with your other half and having a referee there to make sure that both sides are heard.