Confused Kay Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 My husband (26) and I (24) have been married 9 months. I am to the point where I am ready to leave because I feel he has stepped over too many lines that one should never cross if they truly love you. My husband has always had issues with trusting people. His issues stem from events that took place before I entered his life. I feel because he is so insecure and afraid of being abandoned that he keeps a tight leash on me whenever we’re apart. He calls me at work at least 6 times a day and constantly calls my cell phone when I am not with him. If I don’t answer it or turn it off he gets mad and thinks I have something to hide so he leaves nasty messages. He has even followed me to make sure I'm not lying about where I'm going. He goes through my purse and checks my cell phone messages looking for whatever he can find to prove I’m unfaithful (which I am not) but his constant thinking I’m cheating on him and his constant accusations are driving me crazy. I give him no reason not to trust me what so ever. In the heat of an argument he’ll say mean things about my family members and later blame it on me for egging him on and making him mad enough to say these things. I feel there is some verbal abuse too since he swears a lot when he gets mad and puts me and my family down. He shows signs of the “clingy” jealous type as well as the “paranoid” jealous type. He has called my friends phones if I do not answer mine to check up on me. He feels we always need to be together and is always thinking I’m going to leave him. I wrote him a letter last night discussing everything I feel we need to work on and pretty much told him this is his last chance since I can’t put up with this much longer. These problems (as well as the fact that he is very hooked on chewing tobacco and seems to choose that over kissing me) are causing the affection and passion that was once there to dwindle down to nothing. I’m looking for advice on when to say enough is enough and when to keep trying for the sake of the marriage and the love that was once there. I hope it can get back to where it was, but I don’t know if he can ever get over his trust/jealousy and respect issues. Any type of advice would be helpful. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 How long did you guys date before you got married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused Kay Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 We will be together for a total of 5 years next month. We lived together for a year and a half before we got married. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Wow. So all of this behavior started after you got married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused Kay Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 They were there but not as visible. I thought marrying him would make him get over some of his fears of losing me but they have just gotten worse. Especially in the last few months. The severe actions (like following me) has just started the last few weeks. His insecurities were only visible through jokes before such as saying something then saying he was just joking to cover it up. So I didn't see it as bad as it truly was. We started marriage counseling but I don't know if this will help him or not. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 They were there but not as visible. I thought marrying him would make him get over some of his fears of losing me but they have just gotten worse. Especially in the last few months. The severe actions (like following me) has just started the last few weeks. His insecurities were only visible through jokes before such as saying something then saying he was just joking to cover it up. So I didn't see it as bad as it truly was. We started marriage counseling but I don't know if this will help him or not. Oops. Marriage doesn't change people. And as you can plainly see from reading on this forum, many people have no problem cheating. I hope the counselling helps. It's really the only thing that can be done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused Kay Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 I know marriage can't force change, but I figured it'd reassure him that I am choosing to be with him and him only and that he had nothing to worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I just hope the counselling works and it doesn't turn into physical abuse. There are some pretty scary red flags going on there. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 We started marriage counseling but I don't know if this will help him or not. Just a side note - counseling is intended to help BOTH of you! As you will learn, it is about compromise... I am not saying his controlling behavior is ok! Just want you to be realistic about what they will do with BOTH of you when you do the counseling thing... In the meantime, make sure you have a plan in order in case he gets out of line... as in - a friend (female) to go stay with - if need be... one you trust with your LIFE! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused Kay Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 Should I even be giving him more chances? Does he think since he's gotten away with so much already that I'll just put up with more? Some of my close friends say leave him now before it gets physical and others say to try to work it out because they can't picture him getting physical and the first year of marriage is the hardest. I'm stuck in the middle. I know his dad is controlling and my husband grew up with all forms of abuse present. I just hope he isn't following in his fathers footsteps. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Unfortunately these patterns do tend to repeat themselves. It does sound from here like it could become abusive. If you think, even a little bit, that there is a chance it could, please please please get out. Quickly. It will be easier to do it now, before that line is crossed. Just remember, if a man will shove you, he'll hit you. If he'll hit you, he'll beat you. And if he beats you, he will not stop until one of you is dead. Abuse is not something to play around with. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Kay, I was that way after my wife started lying to me, etc.. However this is not the case with you unless you are not telling us something. Marriage counseling will help both of you tremendously. I would highly suggest that. Often a spouse's past will interfere with their new relationship. Once he gets to the root of his problem he can then deal with. This will then alliviate the problems you two are having. Communication is another big issue here as well. I would seek a counselor out today. Tell him it's not because you are thinking of leaving the marriage but that you want to better communicate with him and to find out why there is so much insecurity going on. Give it a chance, you have nothing to lose. There is where true love comes in. Link to post Share on other sites
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