, trapped with LDR love (LONG)

[yk_2006]

Hey everyone,

 

I've spent two days reading different posts on this site, learning evaluating and relating to my experience. There are a lot of good, honest and caring people so thank you in advance.

 

Here is my story:

I was in my last year of college in 2005. I was going through some turmoil with my family and my ex bf. IIt was a mutual breakup after 3 years together, he cheated on me at the end. But i pushed him onto seeing other woman. It was over between us. I met someone else but I did not like him at first and avoided any eye contact with this guy but his persistance and actions made me realize that he is a kind of man that always will be there and I need him. He chased me for a whole semester of my senior year. He had to kiss up to my roomate using her to stay in my room until I got back from class, brought me flowers he picked up from all around campus that same morning and layed them on my desk. He was always there for me to listen. He is the type of guy who knows his best gualities, what he is good at and how to use it all to his benefit. We spent together whole year before I graduated and moved back to NYC. Struggled through living with grandparents until I found a job and was able to rent my own place. He is still in school and has about 2 more years. Now i look back and realize how I was not prepared for LDR because I was blinded by his care and sencerity. I've always wanted to meet a man with such qualities. He did tell me straight up what he is looking for and is not interested in a 2 months kind of deal. I was impressed and convinced that he is a keeper.

 

Things got out of hand, my grandparents dislike him for one main reason, they can't communicate with him. I am russian and he's italian/puerto rican. Many differences do arise from the fact that we're not from the same country, raised and exerienced different things in life. He's has been through much more than I have but so have I. After almost 15 years in the states, I am still very connected to my culture, language and people. He's seen it bad and beautiful but it seems like I can't relate with his experiences in relationship to where I come from and ways I was raised. He had serious problems with his mother when he was younger, raised by another man his mother raised. He has learned a lot from his father and in my eyes he becomes his father: demanding, man of the house, rightiouse but yet reasonable and extremely honest. Not bad qualities but it feels like he's been practicing his father skills with me. Since I grew up without a father and my mother's actions remarring many man many times has reflected in me staying with this guy up until now. He is a father in a way but yet I want to break free and be independent as I've always has been. Doing my own thing in my own unique negative world surrounding me.

 

I've become very negative and mistrustful...seeing how man leave my mother in front of my eyes. My bf is just plain and simple honest with me and expects the same back. It does kill me that he always has to be right and I am always wrong....I am wrong a lot of the times but he makes me feel that I should always listen to him without any questions. He always been putting himself up on a high pedestil, letting me know he can do everything and doesn't require any help or anyone to doubt him. I do doubt him in a lot of things he does, why i can't explain. Yet he has i don't give him him any kind of reasurance and i only take and it's always about me. He tell me I am the most important thing and nothing will be in the way. We see each other on the weekends, I work during the week and he is in school in another state. Now that's it's summer we see each other 3 times a week or so. But i still work during the week. He has no job, his parents moving even further away so I don't know where that really leaves us. he always says if I listened to him, everything would be fine, if only I just gave in and changed my negative attitude toward him. I can't. There is a wall I can't get through.

 

I have a couple of guy friends I like to hang out and it bothers him very much, but these are my friends....We don't have mutual friends we can always hang out...and sicne we don't see each other often enough, he doesn't want to be with anyone else. He gave up all his girl friends for me. telling me that there is no point to have girl's as friends because it's wrong to give his time to other woman. Therefore I should do the same, no other man deserves my time. I enjoy the company of man....i only have a couple of girlfriends and best friend lives somwhere else. Since I work during the week, i can't get a lot done for my self so therefore it only leaves me with the weekends and he says that weekends are his and I am not suppose to make any other plans especially with other man even if they're friends.

 

He called me during lunch after I said i wanted to do something on my own, going to meet some people in my career field. He was pissed, how could I not consider our plans first. How could I treat him like crap and not care. He then asks me "Do you think we should contiune seeing each other?" Is he giving up?

 

When we get into these conversations he drives to see me. So last night after work he was at my job and on the way to my place we were on the train in complete silence with pissed attitudes. We got to my apt. he started packing his stuff, we both had tears....we talked and argued, played our fav. russian card game and talked some more. He ended up not leaving, i did not want him to but I still feel I need to go apart away from him. I am just so scared and unsure what I am losing. But a lot makes sense, my health will be better, I have terrible mood swings when I talk to him, I love him on the weekends and by Tuesday I want to break up with him. My grandparents will be happier.... i know it's wrong but they live for me but yet I don't treat them with respect because they don't respect my decisions. This guy saw my grandma cry...he blames me but he doesn't know the roots of my family and how far back it goes and what they have been through. Maybe he doesn, in his way. His moto is once we part, he will forget me and will never come back to me once I start seeing someone else. I need myself back though and fulfill myself with things I enjoy doing on my own. I left to work this morning, leaving him in my bed, his stuff almost all packed...and yet it has happened before. He called me at work....i asked him to leave the keys and said that it's really hurts but I need this.

 

I am at work and this is the best feeling, to let it out.

Any suggestions?

 

Thank you everyone

 

[yk_2006]

Can someone please, give any kind of feedback?

 

He now, IM's me and says that he will not be able to let go and stop communication in one day. He says that my decision shows him that I have a mind for deep thought, and that he respects what I have done. But yet hopes and prayes that I will be wth him and that I am the only woman for him in his life.

 

[Pink Amulet]

Hunny, you don't need advice. You have got it all figured out.

[yk_2006]

Hunny, you don't need advice. You have got it all figured out.

 

 

But I haven't.

 

He is the kind of man I wanted, why am I leaving him? How can I just love him when I see him, that's not love is it? He says I can't do that because he loves me all the time. It hurts to know I left him because he is perfect for who he is. If he only stopped being cocky about it and talk so much how much he does for me and I treat him like crap....only if.

[paige367]

In my opinion, he is too old fashioned and controling for someone like you. You're so young, you want your freedom and he's not willing to give it to you and he seems to delight in making you feel bad. I think this situationw will only deteriorate over time. I suggest you try to move on, be young, have fun and date all kinds of people.

[yk_2006]

In my opinion, he is too old fashioned and controling for someone like you. You're so young, you want your freedom and he's not willing to give it to you and he seems to delight in making you feel bad. I think this situationw will only deteriorate over time. I suggest you try to move on, be young, have fun and date all kinds of people.

 

 

He is very much old fashioned but I like that in some ways but yet I want him to respect my interests and needs. I've called him, he said he was glad to hear me...and I was glad to call him. We spoke the next day and I did not realize that he was already on his way until he rang my bell. We talked, did my laundry together, I cooked dinner for us. he pretty much begged me not to go to work and stay with him. The next morning, I called in sick and we went to the city with a NYC tour guide not knowing where to go for breakfast. He ppointed to one of the spots in the tour guide booklet and we agreed to go there. We arrived at the address as was given but the place was not there. Still hungry for good breakfast. We walked and walked for blocks, i did not want to eat at a fancy rest. and i wasn't in the mood of exploring new places. All the restaurants around chelsea were empty and uninviting. I was misserable...and we were still searching. We ended up at at the Garage Bar which had the nastiest food I ever had. I hate eating at bars since that last time espcially where huge s*** flies sit on my sandwich which made is even more disgusting. I did not eat much and was hungry and grossed out. He begged me to eat and cut the attitude....i was simply grossed out. We left, walked to the Battery Park....hung out for a bit and went home. I cooked us dinner at home, he did not eat much prob. cause he wasn't hungry cause he ate all his bar food. He made castles from my mashed potatoes and created a scene of treasure box out of the food on his plate. He stayed overnight. In the morning, grabbed the rest of his stuff and we walked out of my apartment. He held me close, gave me a kiss on a cheek and I left. A day passed, he IM'd me today......i am parting with him and he just doesn't want to let me go.

[john2776]

I think you are making the right decision to leave him. You are too young to settle down. He might be a great guy, but I don't think he is the perfect guy for you. The people that we think we would want the most are often in reality not the people that make us happy. Move on, enjoy life, enjoy your youth, and find true love one day.

[yk_2006]

We've been talking less, I 've been controlling the situation by letting him know that I don't want him calling me or even emailing me. He says how can I just turn us off like that as if we did nto have anything. He is right, I can't but I feel as if I have to. He has called me a couple of times, we'd talk...even make some jokes and I would quite down and realize this is the guy a left for reasons.

 

This happened last night after I got home from work, I could not stop thinking of him. I was damaging myself and doubting my actions and rethinking things out. I was waiting for his call....to feel on top of the world to hear that someone loves you and needs you so much in his life. I don't have family members that I can hear this from. i got a call from him that same night, he sounded terrible. I could not understand anything he was saying, he was criying, screaming, blabbing and stumbling with words without making any sense. I panicked with some control. Calmed myself down, tried to find out where he is and what is going on with him. All he was asking if this is me, that he loves me so much and that i deserve someone better. He was very drunk.

 

He was somewhere on the floor where there was bright light. I got very worried for him and scared. I remembered he was going to go to AC with bunch of his guy friends (guy's night out) and it got me worried even more. I could not do anythign and I did not know any of his friends numbers. He kept begging for me not to hang up and stay on the ohoe with him. I hung up, called his uncle, he said not to worry about him. I got his friend's number, left a message. Called himback, in a matter of minutes, he made sense in almost everything he said to me....i was the best, he said. He was in the hotel, had way too much to drink with his buddies. He asked me if i was busy, I said yes, he kept appoligizing that he is putting me through this and he was sorry for everything and that I deserve someone whos' going to be there for me. He might have been with woman last night...i don't know but that's what I made msyelf think because I asked him, he had nothign to say and I hung up.

 

Am i damaging both of us, should I cut off all ties? He already got all his stuff and yet has one thing of my that he must bring over...