Update, looking for input

[bkz]

Well its been a while since I posted. I really needed to take a break and try and figure things out on my own a bit, didn’t work.

She filed for divorce on Friday May 19th and didn’t tell me till the fallowing Monday and said she did it because I made her, that I told her to file so I wouldn’t have to live in limbo anymore. Of course this is crap and just another way for her to blame me. I quit speaking with her or doing anything for her just before that unless its about the kids. Since then shes gone from angry outburst and threats towards me to calling and leaving messages appologysing shortly after to being waaaaay too nice, but I just continue to keep it about the kids and try not to engage her.

 

That Monday she told me she filed she went to her parents house for a while and vented to her mom about what a pile of crap I am, how she never wanted to see my face again and told her to take all the pictures of me down, to which my mother in law said she wouldn’t. My W hung out there until 9 pm saying she was afraid of me and didn’t want to go home. Funny thing, I was OM truck outside his work on my way home from the gym with the kids at 8:45. My father in law told me the next day she got a call at 9 and bolted, guess that’s when OM got off work!!! My father in laws the one who told me about her spewing all this crap to her mom. Well 2 pm on Tuesday she calls me at work and asks what time our sons soccer game is so I tell her and ask why? She says can I come with you to the game. Of course after what my father in law just told me I say now why would you want to hang out with me? You filed for divorce and think im a bad person whos treated you horribley. She says she doesn’t think im a bad person just that we bring out the worst in each other and that’s why she cant stay married to me. I tell her no you cant come with me but you may show up on your own if you insist. Why the heck is she slamming me at 9 pm Monday night then wanting to hang out by 2 pm the next day?

 

Anyways shes done this a # of times. She’ll call me at work on my cell or I’ll call her about picking up the kids and next thing I know shes yelling at me calling me an a**h*** and telling me im a mean horrible person who just wants to hurt her. She tells me the only reason I want 50% custody of the kids is to hurt her and make her unhappy and that I just cant stand to see her happy is why im doing it.

 

Also she says because of the way ive treated her she does look at OM as someone she would have as her boyfriend. Hes been around the kids quite a bit lately and even taken my son fishing on Sat. She allows him over to her house with them around and has told them to lye to me until recently about it. Now she tells them when shes done divorcing me they will be boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

Some may remember that OM crashed his truck and got a DUI on April 30th? Well my daughter (8 Years Old) told me a couple of weeks ago he let her ride on his lap to the store and back in his truck, yep the same one with a bashed in front end from the crash. Then last week him and my W let the children 4, 5 and 8, go up on the motor home by themselves and walk around while they were inside of it!!!!! What the F#$K!!!! My W has been taking them all kinds of places lately even to the arcade witch we NEVER let our kids play video games and don’t even really watch much TV. Shes also started letting them have candy all the time, NEVER before would they get candy, shes a dental assistant and would always buy them suger free gum and candy. Heck she wont even let the kids walk toward the edge of the bridge by our house with me there and it has railing on it but she’ll let them on top of a Class A motor home by themselves?!!!!!!!!!!!! She even got a dog for them last weekend.

 

My kids know im upset about OM and yet they continue to talk to me about him and do it almost soon as I pick them up from her everytime then sit there with a look of fear in there eyes, not sure why?

 

She continues to make me feel responsible for all this crap and I continue to beat myself up over it like ive done something to cause this. She says the kids are fine and happier with us apart but everyone else sees them suffering tremendously and its eating me and her family up. She seems to be in total denial about what this is doing to them, even my 5 YO teacher said hes not the same and cries at school all the time.

 

Im really looking for some input on what to do and whats going on with her? The reason I wonder about her is she seems just fine and dandy with all that’s happening while me and her family are totally devastated and hate seing what its doing to the kids. It just seems like im shouldering the burden for all that’s happened and the pain my children are in and shes just happy as can be. Could this be the case? Id like to think shes at least feeling SOME remorse or guilt!!!!!?????

[Mz. Pixie]

Hey B-

 

I'm not surprised she filed- I figured it was in the works for awhile. I kinda wish you would have struck first in that area so as to protect the kids.

 

She doesn't feel remorse right now- because she's getting her fix- which is her addiction to OM. She's just interested in being selfish and that's it. She doesn't feel guilty- she may never- but I believe she probably will one day.

 

She is still lying about OM. As in saying they aren't sleeping together when you know they are- that's BS about "she might want to date him".

 

As for her going back and forth and acting strange- that's just to get a response from you. She's in withdrawal from the needs that you WERE meeting and since she can't have them both- you and OM at the same time-she's trying to get a rise out of you.

 

Don't fall for it. Hang up on her if she wants to talk about anything other than the kids. Don't discuss the divorce, that is what your atty is for.

 

She blames you as a way to deflect from her actions, that's all. It's like they are a broken record and if they say it's all your fault enough you may believe them.

 

Glad to hear from you anyway, B.

[bkz]

Hi Mz. P thanks for responding.

 

I hate that shes not shouldering any of the guilt or remorse for what we've done to these kids. We take two kids out of a HORRIBLE situation and give them a fantastic enviroment for 3 years with a great family and stay at home mom, a home with 6 acres and playground in the back yard, boat, motor home and tons of people who care about and love them. Just when they start to thrive (esspesially our youngest son whos 4 and special needs) we RIP it out from under them and tear our family to peices then put the into a trailor half the time with a mom who got another man around playing dad to them!!!!! Its just so wrong and we are all beside ourselves over it but no not her shes just happy as can be so it seems!!!!!!

 

The problem is, she does at times make me feel responsible. I allready feel like I failed my kids by not making things work with her and I feel a tremendous amount of responsibility for her and what shes done. I havent even dropped her from my insurance yet and shes continuing to fill meds on a regular basis as ive been checking on it. I did quit paying her car payment but am still paying all the other bills. Ive put the boys in daycare and my daughter in summer school so im paying the 900.00 a month for that as well, but it keeps her from taking the kids to work with her and she doesnt get to see them anymore on my days which is 50% of the time.

 

She filed for joint legal custody and full physical custody of the children. Ive been documenting everything for about 6 months now and I also have dates as far back as last August when my kids told me "mommy told us not to tell you about OM because youd get mad" and they had been spending time at the park, movies and chucky cheese with him for months. I also got a copy of his arrest report when he got the DUI April 30th and two weeks later he had my daughter on his lap in his truck going to the store. Also many other things including her not giving them baths for 3-4 days at a time ect......... Do you think this stuff will matter when it come to me getting full Physical Custody? Everyone around including my in laws believe im by far the more competant parent. She has done many things (including letting the kids up on the motor home) that would show her to be puting them at risk. What about getting some sort of restraining order on OM?

 

Also I have a voice mail of her accusing me of doing drugs (pot) with some friends of ours who smoke pot. Ive been clean my whole live with the exception of smoking pot on occationg and a couple of times in the last year or so if that. So I thought mabye this would be good to use to say shes accusing me of doing drugs so id like a hair folicule test done to prove im not and request one on her as well?

 

Any advice would be appritiated. Im seing a lawyer on Friday with a bunch of ?'s as well like paying her bills and keeping her on my insurance but mostly about the kids and what I can do about them.

[bkz]

Ok im an idiot. I noticed yesterday after looking at the papers she filed for full physical custody!!! I talked to my father inlaw and told him not to tell the rest of her family yet. He was pissed but not surprised, actually no ones surprised its really in her charicter to do this. Theres no way she'll get more that 50/50 but I guess she wants some leverage and found a lawyer whos told her to do this? All the other lawyers shes seen and ive seen have said the same this, Joint custody is whats gonna happen. Shes struggling financially so I guess this could be about money?

 

Funny thing is she has nothing on me and her family would actually go to court on my behalve to say what a good father I am and even that im the more compatant parent. Ive been keeping a journal for 6+ months now and documented the times when the kids came back to me without a bath for 3 days, her strange actions, the kids telling me she told them to lie about OM, her taking them to work and leaving them upstairs unatended while shes working, her OM's DUI, him having my daughter on his lap in his truck 2 weeks later, them letting the kids go up on the motor home unatended ect.........

 

I dont think it would be too difficult to prove her to be a real bad desision maker? I just want Joint custody as I know the kids need and love there mother and she loves them but I definately want full Legal custody. Im also the one who found them a new pediatrition and had physicals done on them after she moved out and they started having problems. She accused me of trying to say the kids were sick because of were she was living and that I took them to the doctor so I could make her look bad, again her only being concerned for her rather that looking at the fact the kids WERE sick and she did have a propane leak!!!!!!!!

 

What do you all think?

[Art_Critic]

What do you all think?

 

I think that at this point with the papers being filed that you have only ONE option..

 

Retain an attorney and quickly..

If you think things are bad now then wait until later.. they will be a lot worse when she realizes that she can't have everything she wants.

 

Call and retain an attorney now..

 

since the papers are already filed you will have to make a counter response to her filing most likely within 30 days to the courts or the divorce will proceed as she wishes

[Gunny376]

have already posted some good solid advice ~ to which I will add

 

Keep up documenting any and everything ~ let your attorney work for his money in sorting out what is relevant and of use. More is better ~ but don't become obsessive. Since you've seem to be of the type that doesn't have a problem typing ~ I'd recommend keeping a journal as well ~ this will help you pyschologoically and is cheap therapy. It will help clear your head and keep your thoughts and also will be a private and personal way to vent ~ other than here ~ about matters to private and personal to post in an open fourmn. It would also serve as an additional record for your attorney.

 

The drug test ~ with the hair folicle? Its to my understanding that using a bio-ICP set up for detection of illegal drugs that they can go back up to six - eight years, and statisicallly prove with a more than amount of certainity that you've done drugs during that time ~ so that may not be such a good idea ~ talk to your attorney (I work in a lab ~ but we're set up for metals and plastics analysis - its basically the same procedure and equipment)

 

Seldom will recociliation ever work ~ (If it didn't work the first time ~ why will it work this time? What has changed?) and in her mind YOU'RE never going to change and give it what-ever-the-Hell, drunk loser boy is giving her? Seldom if ever ~ do the OM/OW stay around very long after the divorce.

 

Its interesting ~ in that I was looking at some personals on Match.com this morning. One was of a 41 year old, single mother of three, neurological RN, who earns between $50,000 and $75,000, and is looking for a man between 35-50 within 100 miles that earns at $35,000. This is compared to a 51 year, kids grown, administration-receptionist, who earns $25,000 or less and is looking for a man between 41-49, and who earns at least $75,000 a year without any children at home within 50 miles of her residance.

 

That struck me as odd.

 

Reality has teeth ~ and the Pitbull named reality is about to bite your STBXW in the azz! And, he ain't going to let go.

 

I'd let her go ~ there's no working with her. She making decisions on emotions ~ and from an emotional perspective ~ and not a rational one. You would expend 1/10th the time, effort, and energy pursuing other women (as more than one at a time) than you would in just this one ~ and have a more enjoyable ~ pleasant time with them.

 

Keep doing treating her the way you have ~ other than the children (goats have kids) - no contact. Keep your personal life ~ personal. In her emotional state ~ this is going to drive her nuts ~ especially once the OM has had his fill, (You do realize ~ they're doing the nasty - right? There's no such thing as a "born again" [non-religious sense of term] virgin. The OM isn't going over and spending all this time, effort, and energy at YOUR house ~ with YOUR wife - just to cut your grass and spend time with the chldren)

 

She's going to eventually, once her emotional state stablizes, OM finds someone else to play with (they always do), and her fantasy bubble pops, and she's sitting there alone one night wondering about you, what you're doing, and why isn't he thinking about me:eek: ~ paying me any attention:eek: ~...............and, and, and,.............who's he doing it with!!!!!!!

[Gunny376]

The reason she's trashing you at 9:00 on Monday ~ and want to hang out with you the following Sat?

 

Because you're not playing "fair" aka by her wants, needs, wishes ~ rules.

 

So, in doing what you're doing ~ the way you're doing it ~ keeping your head about you, in control of your life, your emotions, being in-different either way ~ that is to say being an "Alpha"-male instead of a "Beta"-male you're thrown her way off.

 

Everytime she says something like - "I filed because you made me!" You're on top (even though it may not fell like it) You're in control of the only thing that you can be in control of ~ yourself. Her? She's out of control of her's and knows it.

[bkz]

Thank you all for the input so far. I know shes not liking me not talking to her or being nice to her. The first few months after she moved out I was still loveing her, spending time with her, trying to make things work and even told her I was willing to forgive her for what had happend with OM. Now nothing, she calls and leaves messages venting or defending of even accusing and I call back like this morning and ask when im supposed to pick up the kids today and thats it.

 

Gunny, what you said here is good for me.

 

The drug test ~ with the hair folicle? Its to my understanding that using a bio-ICP set up for detection of illegal drugs that they can go back up to six - eight years, and statisicallly prove with a more than amount of certainity that you've done drugs during that time ~ so that may not be such a good idea ~ talk to your attorney (I work in a lab ~ but we're set up for metals and plastics analysis - its basically the same procedure and equipment)

 

Actually im clean and have been my whole life besides having smoked a hit or two of pot on a VERY RARE occation. Ive never even tried another drug and am not much of a drinker either. Her on the other hand, well shes been doing blow on and off since before I knew her and know for a fact shes done it a # of times in the last 6-8 months. So the more thourogh the drug test the better. I dont care if they see trace amounts of THC in my system as i'll admit to having smoked pot a few times in the last 4-5 years as it means nothing compared to the harder durgs that shes done, just the ones I know about!!

 

Just incase heres a link to my previous thread.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t85212/

 

 

 

Oh and I have been keeping a journal and transfering some of it onto a callander. I also tape record all the messages she leaves me at home and save the ones on my cell phone.

[bkz]

Oh also Gunny, id like to beleive your right about OM but they've been around each other for well over a year and a half now and my kids have been around him the whole time as well. I feel they've set this up for a while and shes got my kids believing hes a great guy plus she'll NEVER be alone. Soon as he crashed his truck and got the DUI she came crawlin back to me that day, only to make up with him and want nothing to do with me again 5 days later.

 

Anyways, I wish her bubble would burst but im just dont have alot of hope it will. Heck I dont think she feels any guilt or remorse about any of this, she just feels like the victum and im the big bad bully looking to hurt her. Funny im not the one who had an affair, had my children around him, told them to lye, moved out, filed for divorce or filed for full custody but im the bad guy? Im the a**h***? Im the mean horrible person that she says just cant stand to see her happy? Damn after what shes done how can she be happy? Well its because she only care about herself and her own feeling, PERIOD. Am I wrong?

[Gunny376]

90+% of the time, when a woman gets busted for doing wrong ~ they NEVER admitt wroing nor guilt.

 

On the show Cheaters, when the woman gets busted, ~ 95% of the time:

 

1. They get PO'd!

2. They ALWAYS say its the guys fault ~ ALWAYS!

 

When a man cheats on a woman, whose fault is it? The man's!

When a woman cheats on a man, whose fault is it? The man's!

 

Another part of this feminist, reverse sexism double standard crap that's been being generated for the last forty years.

 

The stuff that women are pullling + this double standard + the azz raping so many men are getting in divorce court and by the divorce laws is the reason women over the age of 40 are having such a hard time finding a good steady man.

 

And, don't get me wrong ~ its just that the only reason I see for a man to get married ~ is to have and raise children ~ having done that ~ and having gotten out of the "child support ~ child rearing" business, I don't see any reason to ever get married ~ nor to shack up? Why shouild I? Especially now that I've studied in depth what attracts women ~ what works and what doesn't? I might be open to a long term monogmimus relationship with a good woman who is financially independent, self supporting who has her place and I have mind ~ and then after a period of time (long period at that) consider marriage ~ IF the right woman came along.

 

Let me get this straight. She's cheating on you with a drunk while doing recreational drugs ~ more than just smoking a little pot ~ with three small children in the picture, with a STBXH who is obviously intellegent and got his head together ~ whose own in-laws support the STBXH? Yea, that dog's gonna hunt!

 

First off ~ between the drugs and the alcohol ~ plus the fact that she cheated on you with him ~ don't you think its always going to be in the back of his mind that she'll cheat on him? It would me! The thing here, these two are making plans and decisions based upon emotion ~ not logical ~ rational thinking. Look, Reality has teeth, and Reality does favor decisions made based upon emotion to much ~ if defys the Laws of Gravity and Mathematics.

 

Emotional decisions doesn't pay the bills, put a roof over your head, food in your mouth. Emotional decisions + substance abuse ~ that's not but a E-ticket ride to Hell. Its like going to a NASCAR race ~ its not a question of it they're going to crash ~ its a question of when. I don't care how long this has been going on ~ who knows? They may be able to hold it together for a couple of years. The statistics are against them. But, even if they beat the statsitical average ~ more than likely they won't be happy? But, why shouild you care ~ sounds like a personal problem of there's either way.

 

From the sounds of it to me ~ you're way ahead of the game and on top of your game! Keep up the good work! Balance, always balance.

[Billy Bob]

And, don't get me wrong ~ its just that the only reason I see for a man to get married ~ is to have and raise children ~ having done that ~ and having gotten out of the "child support ~ child rearing" business, I don't see any reason to ever get married ~ nor to shack up? Why shouild I?

 

Gunny, I agree 100% I've been asking myself lately "what was I thinking?" And like I've said before, I could be very happy poor, in a crackerbox apartment with a fridge full of beer, cable TV, a PC and a GF that came over a few times a week.

 

I've come to that realization now... but in the past I fell for the get married forever, have 2 kids, a dog, a cat, big house, two cars setup. I thought that was the ticket to happiness, I thought that was what I was supposed to so.. It worked for my parents.

 

Sorry, guess I went off topic.

[DesperateDad]

I'm wondering the same thing, cta. If I can still be a dad at least 50% of the time, why put up with what's going on now? Every day that thought is coming up more and more. I'm struggling to hold the door open a little bit because I owe it to my kids especially. If we split now, my youngest children will never remember having a Christmas morning with both mom and dad. That kills me, but if that's her choice, then we'll have to go with it and she can deal with the consequences.

 

If she wakes up, I'll try to make it work, but I can't and won't live with a battle going on every day over finances, discipline, neighbors, whatever. Life's too short to have to worry about all that stupid s***.

 

bkz, I feel for you, man. All this stuff sucks ass. Your OM sounds like a real piece of s***. Of course, they all are. Make sure you have your attorney go for the throat. Have absolutely no mercy at all because your children's lives depend on it. Even if there are no terrible drunken accidents, what kind of examples are they going to be shown with two hard-drug-using adults in the house half the time? You can do this, man. Hang tough!

[blind_otter]

Heya bkz, I've been out of town for a long time but I always ahve to check up on your threads. I care, ain't that bizarre???

 

I think that, through ALL of this, you have handled yourself very well, surprisingly. You keep a level head and haven't been playing into the emotional manipulation blame game. Keep up the good work. I know this is difficult for you, but fdrom what I've read over the past few months -- you will come out of this a wiser man. And hey, who doesn't want to wise up?

 

I'll keep you in my prayers.

[ronehog]

get an attorney and let go. She is not responsible for how you are feeling right now. You are. Sure her actions and affair have caused you to feel this way but to continue to feel this way is your fault.

 

Let Go. You are going to have 50/50 custody at worse. You may be able to get full custody because of her strange behavior. The comments the children are making have been put in their head by mom and the OM. That may help you in court as well because she is not working in the best interest of the children.

 

Do not let her get to you.

 

You need to take control of yourself because no matter what you can not control her and controlling another person is not very fun any way.

 

She has made up her mind so let her go and focus on your kids because they need you.

[tonyp56]

From my story, my STBX wife acts much like yours. She too tries to blame me for everything, including her problems that she is having now. But I've figured out why. And if you look at your STBX you'll likely see the same things.

 

For one, mine is always saying how happy she is now. Yet, every chance she gets she has to blame me for something in the past or even what is going on in her life right now--if she is so happy, isn't it time to let go of the past? If I try to point out that either it isn't my fault, or better yet even apologize to her for the past, she instantly tells me I don't want to think or talk about it. Lets think about this, she starts it, and then when I start winning the argument, she calls time-out.

 

Like you, the only conversations that I have with my STBX is about our kids. Beyond trying to be friendly with stuff like "have you seen _______, it is a really funny movie, have you tried that at Braums?" etc... I talk to her about nothing except the kids. I don't tell her I love her, I don't talk about the past, I don't argue with her, nothing. She's the one that keeps bringing it all up, and she's the one that still blames me for everything.

 

OK, anyways, ask yourself how long you knew your STBX, I'd imagine during that time you knew her very well, up until the time she threw a monkey wrench into the mix and left. Well guess what, you still know her, you deep down know her personality, and in more ways than you likely realize, you most likely know what she is wanting now. She wants attention, she is doing stuff that she never did before with you because she knows that will get your attention. Your kids just happen to tell you about the OM? I don't think so, they are telling you what their mother told them to tell you, to again, get your attention.

 

Doesn't she know that her parents and you still talk? Perhaps the whole reason she went to her mom and whined, was because she knew that it would get back around to you and she again wanted, attention from you.

 

Now the tricky one is, why does she want your attention. Part of you likely believes that she wants attention from you because she wants you back, that's human nature. Could that be the reason? Perhaps, perhaps not. Other reasons could be that she wants control in your life, she wants to keep you on the tip of her finger, because that gives her power. It could be that she knows that she made a mistake, and though she may not be wanting you back, she could be acting out to simply make herself feel better--make it an issue for you, so she doesnt have to live with the fact she hurt and destroyed you. And maybe, she is simply not over you, and part of her wants you and part of her wants out, and that conflict comes out in her negative actions.

 

Look within, figure out what would make you act that way and likely that will give you the answer into why she does it. I am sure a lot of it, like with my STBX wife, is regret. Mine has recently said Sorry, which I never thought I would hear come from her lips, but it finally did. Before she said sorry, she did much the same kind of things that your STBX wife is doing--mine still does it, but it is different now.

 

I can honestly say that I'm finally at the point of moving on, only nine months after she left, and two months since I filed for divorce--that's right, I ended up having to file, even though she got a lawyer in February. (I ask myself all the time, for someone that was in a big hurry to trade me in for someone else, she sure doens't seem in to much of a hurry to get divorced.)

 

Just compare her actions with what you know about her and what you know about yourself, the answer is in there. In the end, you can be sure of the fact she wants your attention, it's the why that might take you some time.

 

Good Luck

[Sup]

Ok im an idiot. I noticed yesterday after looking at the papers she filed for full physical custody!!! I talked to my father inlaw and told him not to tell the rest of her family yet. He was pissed but not surprised, actually no ones surprised its really in her charicter to do this. Theres no way she'll get more that 50/50 but I guess she wants some leverage and found a lawyer whos told her to do this? All the other lawyers shes seen and ive seen have said the same this, Joint custody is whats gonna happen. Shes struggling financially so I guess this could be about money?

 

Funny thing is she has nothing on me and her family would actually go to court on my behalve to say what a good father I am and even that im the more compatant parent. Ive been keeping a journal for 6+ months now and documented the times when the kids came back to me without a bath for 3 days, her strange actions, the kids telling me she told them to lie about OM, her taking them to work and leaving them upstairs unatended while shes working, her OM's DUI, him having my daughter on his lap in his truck 2 weeks later, them letting the kids go up on the motor home unatended ect.........

 

I dont think it would be too difficult to prove her to be a real bad desision maker? I just want Joint custody as I know the kids need and love there mother and she loves them but I definately want full Legal custody. Im also the one who found them a new pediatrition and had physicals done on them after she moved out and they started having problems. She accused me of trying to say the kids were sick because of were she was living and that I took them to the doctor so I could make her look bad, again her only being concerned for her rather that looking at the fact the kids WERE sick and she did have a propane leak!!!!!!!!

 

What do you all think?

 

GO FOR FULL CUSTODY!!!!!!! If YOU do YOU should get it. She's already proving to be incompitent as a parent. Report all these things to a Lawyer, document the days, times, etc., ok you're documenting the stuff. You don't want to have to PAY for HER mistakes, Then FIGHT this HARD! She moved out on you, without legal separation? Go for ABANDONMENT on HER part, just make sure your lawyer knows this, and that the lawyer doen't drop the ball!

[Sup]

Oh also Gunny, id like to beleive your right about OM but they've been around each other for well over a year and a half now and my kids have been around him the whole time as well. I feel they've set this up for a while and shes got my kids believing hes a great guy plus she'll NEVER be alone. Soon as he crashed his truck and got the DUI she came crawlin back to me that day, only to make up with him and want nothing to do with me again 5 days later.

 

Anyways, I wish her bubble would burst but im just dont have alot of hope it will. Heck I dont think she feels any guilt or remorse about any of this, she just feels like the victum and im the big bad bully looking to hurt her. Funny im not the one who had an affair, had my children around him, told them to lye, moved out, filed for divorce or filed for full custody but im the bad guy? Im the a**h***? Im the mean horrible person that she says just cant stand to see her happy? Damn after what shes done how can she be happy? Well its because she only care about herself and her own feeling, PERIOD. Am I wrong?

 

Please:rolleyes: She'll only FEEL remorse, or guilt AFTER all is said and done, if even then. And of course like they ALWAYS say "Oh, I'm soooo sorry" (violins playing) Yeah, Riiiiight! In my opinion, if they were soooo sorry about this, then they wouldn't have done it.

[Sup]

Gunny, I agree 100% I've been asking myself lately "what was I thinking?" And like I've said before, I could be very happy poor, in a crackerbox apartment with a fridge full of beer, cable TV, a PC and a GF that came over a few times a week.

 

I've come to that realization now... but in the past I fell for the get married forever, have 2 kids, a dog, a cat, big house, two cars setup. I thought that was the ticket to happiness, I thought that was what I was supposed to so.. It worked for my parents.

 

Sorry, guess I went off topic.

 

Funny you should mention that. I've been asking sorta the same question recently. AHHHHH!!!!!!! The SINGLE life!!!!!!! OOPS! I said that too loud, the ladies may have heard me!

[amaysngrace]

Funny thing is she has nothing on me and her family would actually go to court on my behalve to say what a good father I am and even that im the more compatant parent.

 

This is great! If you two are able to work out some agreement, and she's not willing to give you what you want, threaten to not settle. Tell her you want to go before a judge. She will most likely cave and give you what you ask for.

 

Set the bar high, I would. Ask for everything because you have the upper hand and a judge will see that too. So go high, and work your way down from there. You are the good spouse and parent. She knows it too.

[bkz]

Heya bkz, I've been out of town for a long time but I always ahve to check up on your threads. I care, ain't that bizarre???

 

I think that, through ALL of this, you have handled yourself very well, surprisingly. You keep a level head and haven't been playing into the emotional manipulation blame game. Keep up the good work. I know this is difficult for you, but fdrom what I've read over the past few months -- you will come out of this a wiser man. And hey, who doesn't want to wise up?

 

I'll keep you in my prayers.

 

Thanks!! and its nice to here from you.

 

Also thanks to everyone for there input.

 

Its been an interesting few days and I saw a lawyer on Friday witch went real well, looks like i'll be retaining him and going for full custody. I dont have much time right now so i'll update later, but shes starting to really loose it and has been leaving me and her parents some REAL good messages.

[hotgurl]

Thanks!! and its nice to here from you.

 

Also thanks to everyone for there input.

 

Its been an interesting few days and I saw a lawyer on Friday witch went real well, looks like i'll be retaining him and going for full custody. I dont have much time right now so i'll update later, but shes starting to really loose it and has been leaving me and her parents some REAL good messages.

 

I am glad you got a lawyer. In these matters it is always good to set the bar high and work from there. Document Document Document.

 

Also I know you are in pain now but once you get away from it a bit. I think you will be relieved that you are not in limbo anymore. And she is missing out big time not you.

[bkz]

Thanks hotgirl I appritiate it.

 

She is fricken loosen it!! She called and hung up on her mom twice on Thursday and was getting real upset with her, only to show up with the kids later that night as if nothing had happend. My inlaws said the kids smelled and were dirty, I saw her and them at a gathering downtown just before that and they did seem a bit unkept but thats sorta normal when she has them cause she is too. When I saw them she was trying to be real nice to me and my freind but I just talked with the kids and left. She called a # of times Thursday before that and left me messages about how shes pissed cause she wont have our youngest son for his b-day cause its my day with him and its not fair cause I probley dont even know what day his b-day is. Yeah whatever, I guess shes been so wrapped up in herself she never thought about the fact she wont allways have the kids on there b-days or X-Mas, Easter........ Its just amazing how she hasnt thought of this stuff. She also called me a # of times after 10:30 on Thursday night a left a couple of pathetic messages crying and saying how she wasnt as mad at me anymore after seing me downtown.

 

So anyways shes over at the inlaws house Thursday night accusing me of having an affair with her step sister again and her step brother goes of on her. He tells her, "your the one whos been having the affair and ruind your family so what do you care what bkz does, its none of your buisness"!!!! I guess she really upset her mom as well and they are all sick of her crap and think shes loosen it. They also all understand whats happend and back me completely on going for full custody of the kids.

 

She called me last night and said if I cared about the kids as much as I say I do then id take care of there mother and how could I let her struggle financially, have to work full time and live in a trailor. She said shes gonna move back into the house and get a relator to come over on Friday so we can get it on the market. She also mentioned talking to her lawyer this week and last week and there getting a court order agains me. She also asked when I was gonna pick up the divorce papers from her lawyer, well I picked them up a week ago and my lawyer has them!!!! Im thinking she hasnt talked to her lawyer or she would know that? Everytime she leaves me messages she gets angry and starts talking about how shes getting a court order against me and how I owe her back child support (were still married so thats a good one!!!!!) and how mad she is that im not paying her so now she has to work. She also continues to say im mean to her and thats why she cant stay married to me and that im a bully and shes tired of me bullying her around.

 

This is just scratching the surface of her stupid crap latley but I think you get the idea, she talks like shes a child whos not getting there way, a spoiled one at that!!!! Geuss all these years of no one standing up to her and her mental problems seeming to get worse is finally catching up with all of us?

 

Just to let you all know. I dont return ANY of her calls unless its about the kids and I dont engage her or even converse with her when picking or dropping them off, im just cordule and make it as smoot as possible. I think this is really bothering her cause she now has NO control over me and im not kissing her ass anymore, hell I wont even look at her when I see her.

 

I'll update after I talk with my lawyer today.

[Guest]

Well, for what it's worth, anyway. If you're intent is to be the best Dad for your kids that you can be - kudos to YOU. And that's big.

 

She's confused, manulipative, selfish and is NOT being the mother that she can/should be. Don't blame her for this - pity her for this. She's caught up on the enrapture of OM (funny, just figured out what that even meant?) and seems to have lost sight of her purpose and role in life - MOM. First and foremost under any and all circumstance.

 

So, get a lawyer. If you're telling an honest truth in your version of things, you're in for a rough ride. Keep going back to the "Dad" aspect of who you are and you'll be fine. I don't know the law in the State/Province that you live, but honest and true Dads are finally being seen by the courts. The vindictive female route is quickly (and rightfully) being cut off at the knees by many courts these days.

 

Don't agonize over her and OM. That's a complete waste of your time and energy. Spend that time and energy on being the best parent for your children, the 'constant' in their life. They certainly need and deserve that at the very least. Your children are the ONLY thing that matters at this point. Fighting won't help you, advocating will.

 

Don't get sucked up into the tornado. Stay true to yourself and stay true to your children. Even if things go south, stay true. Children do grow up. What they see and learn now will stay with them forever. Let that be you.

 

Best of wishes for you.

[Gunny376]

Refer her to the "International Soroity of Insane Women"!

 

 

I hear this month's disccussion is on: "How to turn your imaginary problems into real ones !" With an after seminar of crumpetts and tea where the main disccussion topic will be "How to make your s and everyone else's life Hell!"

You're doing good man ~ hold stead and true.

 

I think your wife is suffering from a mental~emotional disorder ~ called

"FBS" or "Flakey Broad Sydrone."

[Mz. Pixie]

B- I must have missed this thread before now!

 

She's out of her mind. She's going for the gusto because you've decided that you're tired of her fence sitting and she's trying to get your attention to no avail.

 

You're in the cat bird seat actually my friend. You can drag this out for years- and make sure she knows that. While she continues to live in that trailer and be broke. You're holding the power because she wants out so bad. You can use that against her. Right now she's filing for the most she can get- to try to scare you. That will come down in negotiations. You make your lawyer fight for what you want.

 

You'll most likely get 50/50 custody- which may mean no child support- it varies by state.

 

I cannot remember- are you in the house?

 

I don't think she can file anything and kick you out of it if you are because she is the one who left.

 

Gosh, it pisses me off so bad that she would say that if you cared about the kids you would financially support her. WTF???? She wanted to leave- she wanted this- she should let OM support her!!! I don't know how you held your tongue with that one. That burns my ass like a flame four foot high.

 

You're not required to support her in a style to which she once had when she's f'ing another man!! She needs to have a job. WTF? Does she think she can go back to being a SAHM and you support her when she is doing it with someone else?? As long as the kids are taken care of that's all that matters.

 

The notes and journals will help in court. Keep it to yourself that you have it and only tell your atty. Not her family even. Be sure that you're keeping up with how she accuses you of abuse when you haven't even been around her.

 

I doubt even with the drugs you could prove her unfit but you might can. Your attorney would know. A friend of mine had a picture of his exwife buying and smoking crack and still couldn't get full custody.

 

She's in panic mode because her little plan is not working out like she thought it would. I would make sure that it was known that I would defend my right to have my children no matter what. Make sure you're documenting all of her wierd calls. Record them if you can.

 

Don't do anything like sell anything and split it with her yet.

 

If your state allows child support in joint custody she might get back child support to the date of separation. However, you can prove you've had those kids more than half probably so why should she be compensated for that? I hope like hell you saved any cancelled checks if you gave her any money for anything.

 

Damn, I still wish you would have filed first.