making things complicated

[Lollie72]

Hi,

 

I'm in a strange situation, I'm splitting with my husband, I'm friends with another. And I have lots of feelings for the new guy, but I have no idea what's fair to the new guy. Our affiliation is really of a supportive nature in a group such as this. And I think he feels a lot for me too. I think in my perfect world neither of us would bring up our budding feelings until I'm divorced, but I'm unsure of what to say if he starts the conversation first. I know it's not really tactful to even say I'm attracted to him while I'm still married to someone else. But my feelings have to be fairly obvious because I look at him that way, and avoid staring because I think he can see my feelings in my eyes. So then what...if he brings something up say," I know what your trying to say, but at this time I have to wait to discuss this openly with you." Any other thoughts?

 

[Melinlove]

I'm with you there.

 

I just avoid asking about those things. He has shown his feelings AND spoken them somewhat but still will not share my mutual thoughts. I have told him I want out of my marriage though. I'll just play it cool until I talk to my husband which I'm thinking will happen this weekend. I'm scared though becasue I don't wanna lose my daughter. Then theres the plans of who gets what and who is moving or if we both move. Blah. Big changes but I'm not happy and staying isn't gonna help much.

 

I went from an engagment to someone else(guy was addicted to video games and I saw first hand throuhg my best friend how that leads out to divorce anyway) to being with and planning things with my now husband within 6 months. MUCH to fast. So I DO know that when/if things move along with "new" guy it will be SLOW.

 

I'm like you I would think my feelings would be obvious in my eyes. He appreaciates and "knows" I'm married and I know hes not the type to try to start something but I'm quite sure he has these same feelings. So I was shocked when he said to my daughter "I want mommy too" when she was saying to him "I want mommy". I mention kicking my husband out and he laughs and smiles but I think he thought I'm joking so I made it clear I'm not joking. He asked whats wrong with him but got busy and never got to that conversation really. Not that something is wrong just that I have no feelings left for him. Not that hes a bad/evil guy because he's generally good hearted and nice but as Bonnie Rait once said "You cant make your heart feel something it wont".

 

I'd just contiune getting to know each other and keep the feelings in check for now until you get split up.

[Alexandra]

***Disclaimer: The following is not about the thread at hand it is about you and you are going to hate it. Please believe me I would not say it had I not thought it was in your best interest though.***

 

You have abandoned the "Committment Phobic" thread and in another thread you have labled your husband with the 4rd and 5th diagnosis since you started posting. You portrayed it as a potentially sick human being and even took his reaction to hearing about your interest in another man as proof of that. Now this.

 

It sounds to me like he doesn't need individual counseling but you both need marriage therapy and you should try and tone down on investing into this new man and decrease on the anger you feel for your husband enough to give it a fair chance.

 

I can very well understand that at this point this new attraction is consuming all your thoughts but it seems this is the time to still try saving your marriage without blaming it all on him and giving it ultimatums if you want to start the new road after having cleared your path by having done all you could to make your marriage work. What's your hurry, are you afraid the OM won't wait around?

 

I've warned you that you won't like this, you sound like a rational, decent and strong woman and I do wish you all the best but I've seen the exact same scenario so many times, when one starts feeling for another man or woman and makes their spouse the villain that pushed them into the affair by their behaviour. It's a hurtful, nasty, unfair place to be at for everyone involved and hope you can overcome it to either giving your marriage a real chance or recognizing that you don't want to and moving on. Good luck.