Guest Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 I hope you and your future wife (if she agrees to marry you) don't have kids. Because you seem to want to treat a family like the military. While I believe single parenthood can provide a loving family for children, a military style family can't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamanisland Posted June 22, 2006 Author Share Posted June 22, 2006 OK...So firstly I almost think this poster has posted a fluke message just to rile people up. If not, Mr. Poster, I'd like to take you up on the "man is better suited for being a provider.." Ummm...Do you realize that the number of women in medical and law schools outweigh the number of men? And these are two of the highest paying professions?? I am a woman, and am more educated and more capable than most men. I am attorney. I AM married. I make more $$ than or at least equal to my husband. He has no issues with this. In fact he respects it. So for you to generalize about gender roles in this day and age is very silly. Time changes and so do people, roles etc. I don't know how old you are, but I do not think you should be criticizing an entire generation of "modern" thinkers. If you wished to stick to old ideals, there would still be a million women married to physically and mentally abusive men because society would not accept divorced women. That is CRAP. I am not saying ALL old ideals are bad. I do agree that younger people (including myself at times) don't take marriage as seriously as they should, as something that SHOULD be life long... But men and women in this day are equals in the workplace and out... Anyways, good luck to you finding someone who matches your ideals, and a modern thinking woman is definitely NOT for you. PS. We dont want to be "MAINTAINED AND KEPT." If you are looking for that, get a plant. They want to be maintained and kept. At least that's what I am told by my rose bush. Actually, men have are and always will earn more (generally at least) , have more power and control more... Also, women who work and have a career must adjust their femininity to do so. I want a woman, not a woMAN... which is what modern women are becoming... Anyway I'm not interested to debate here my issues with the way society is going and the issue of career women on it... Have a nice life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamanisland Posted June 22, 2006 Author Share Posted June 22, 2006 I don't know LJ, maybe b/c we both have been through similar experiences in our marriages where we have seen first hand how expectations so easily lead to disappointment and resentment. For me, my marriage isn't about expectations, its about choice, and constant renegotiation. I understand talking about expectations upfront is important, but with the understanding that things change and people must be flexible. I am a totally different person now than I was when I met my husband at 18. If we were both as rigid as the OP, we'd have divorced a long time ago. I don't expect my H to do anything. He does what he wants, and I have the choice to discuss things with him if they bother me, and I have the choice to stay in the marriage. That doesn't sound as good in words as it does in my head, but you get the idea. To the OP. I come from (and left as soon as I could) a fundamentalist Christian background. I have seen many, many couples living a very similar life to the one you describe. And admitedly, if you can find a woman with similar values, you can be very happy, assuming you are flexible and understaning. No woman can possible know what she will want for the rest of her life in her 20's. She may totally agree with everything you stated, but she has the right to change her mind after she has grown and matured a bit. And if you don't allow her freedom to grow, it will become a miserable marriage indeed. A good friend of mine is in such a marriage. He is the 'man,' and she knows her place. She married him at 19, thinking she knew exactly what she wanted for the rest of her life. Then she grew up. She asked him for counseling, he told her everything was her problem. So now she goes out of her way to make his life miserable, and he hers. It is painful to watch. And honestly, it is laughable to me that you say you would just divorce under these circumstances. They have four kids and own a home together. She has never worked. She can't afford to leave, has no skills to get a job if she did, and he can't afford for her to leave, as the amount of alimony and child support would be too much. LOL! If it was so easy to leave when things stopped going your way, this website wouldn't even exist! The most important element in marriage, IMO, is compromise. If you say you will not compromise, then don't get married. Just find a partner and maintain a relationship until it no longer suits you. And as everyone has said, please, go TODAY, and get a vasectomy. Kids need more flexibility and understanding than anyone. Its because spouses believe they can do what they like and because they expect to coast on love with no obligation that the divorce rate is so incredibly high... Living in the land of airy fairy... When you work to fit expectations that are basic and essential, marriage will last. Link to post Share on other sites
genegri Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 if you believe a woman will have to become like a man in order to have a career, then you should become like a women to have a family ... and based on the way the society is changing, men will not be able to control any women Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 Have a nice life. Sounds awfully dismissive. 'zat mean you don't really want the advice that you asked for? Oh well, to summarize my advice: I believe you owe it to your "prospective" to make your expectations clear. Just as intensely clear as the intensity and the rigidity of those expectations. And to summarize my opinion: I think this will result in a significantly limited field of suitable women, but I'm sure that doesn't bother you. I also think it quite possible that it may cause you some difficulty later on, as your marriage evolves, and you as individuals mature and change, but I wish you the best. Have a nice life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamanisland Posted June 22, 2006 Author Share Posted June 22, 2006 lol... Just to the woman in note #72... you dont want to be kept eh... Fine.. i didnt want to keep you anyway, if i got you, i'd return you... Anyway... Its a sign of the times to me that women would rather work than not, even if they have the choice... this is the work of feminism which tells them they only have worth if they work and 'compete' with men.. Funny... btw... I am a microelectronics engineer working on a masters with a higher diploma in applied physics.. you may be smart... but your out of your league with me... so dont strut with me. Women as doctors and lawyers? Go to a hospital... see who the doctors who are in charge and count the women, surgury, forget about it etc... it takes the mettle of men for these. Lawyers? No experience here, but I'd say the ones who kick ass most consistantly are the men... a guess... but whatever. Gender roles existed when genders existed... but with the new woMAN, femininity is something to discard and for the men, gender castration is the way to go. Whatever, I wouldnt waste my time with a woman like you, there can only be one man in the house. Me. Have a nice life everyone. I'm glad I gave you all had something to have a rant at me with ... Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 Yeah, well, good luck with that... Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 Yeah, well, good luck with that... That's the absolute FIRST thought I had when I saw the OP's original post. Cest la vie. He'll find out on his own. Some people have to smack their heads on the wall a few times before the light bulb comes on. Interesting posts all around though. (btw.... I totally 'get' you, Pink. It's like we're married to the SAME GUY!!! ) Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 'ya know, this thread - or at least the original post - might be a good thing for everyone to keep and use to open a discussion about priorities and roles with perspective significant others -- it would be good for couples to talk about their own opinions on these roles - it might be an eye-opener for some and maybe a way of finding the problems that may exist in current relationships. I would never marry anyone who was so set in these roles because I think they are archaic and I think that women need the fulfillment that comes from work and from getting out from under the suppression of a male-dominated society and using their minds for more than knowing how to make hospital corners on a bed or what temperature to cook a roast; and I certainly see balance between working and being feminine - women can be both. These things are exactly what needs to be discussed between couples before they decide to marry or make a long-term commitment to each other. Link to post Share on other sites
AManWithTroubles Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 At first I agreed with some of the things that this poster wrote about, then he lost me with his "old school" thinking. I mean, he did have some good points, about fulfilling each other's needs. But he has gone off the deep end. There's gotta be a happy medium somewhere, because I feel like my wife doesn't care one bit about fulfilling my needs or wants. However, if I even talk about it, she makes me feel like s***, as if me wanting to even have a physical relationship with my wife is degrading to women everywhere. As if I am using her for just my sex slave. I'm not, but for some reason, I do expect it to be there, because she is married to me. Gahh, it's just so confusing. I respect her and I don't control her one bit, if anything, she controls everything around the house, even the sex. So, to a point, us men are placed in a tough spot here. We are left powerless when women take control of the relationship. It's not that I'm looking for control, I'm just looking for a share in it. But I just aim to please. Off to find that dream job, and bring in the money, hoping that it might buy me some affection. Good luck to me... Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_Tulip Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 Just as women are placed in a tough spot when men take over the relationship. I don't think this is a gender specific phenomenon, there are crappy people of both sexes in the world. LOL AMan, not to minimize your issues at all, I feel for you, but reading your post makes me think about how the OP will just divorce his wife if she doesn't fulfill her obligations. Maybe you can enlighten him on how reality doesn't quite work that way. Link to post Share on other sites
AManWithTroubles Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 Well, I don't know. I love her, I suppose. And I guess a part of me blames myself, and I keep waiting to finally impress her, but that's just my subconscience side speaking... Oh, and yeah, I guess there are bad people in both sexes, but I can never imagine a man telling a woman that she just uses him for a piece of meat. I wish someone looked at me that way. I really do. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_Tulip Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 LOL! You and every other man on the planet. I wasn't so much referring to sexual issues, just issues in general. It seems that when a man is upset it is usually b/c he isn't getting sex, when a woman has issues, it's usually emotional. Either way, there are people on both sides who aren't exactly pleasant to be married to, you know? I can foresee a post from the OP's future wife one day... My main point was, regardless of issues, just packing up and divorcing isn't the easy solution the OP seems to think. Sorry if I wasn't clear on that or you thought I was picking on you. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Excellent troll thread. Lasted for a long time, and it would appear to have really upset some people. I wonder who the OP really is, if it's a regular poster or what? Comedy gold, though. Thumbs up. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 btw... I am a microelectronics engineer working on a masters with a higher diploma in applied physics.. you may be smart... but your out of your league with me... so dont strut with me. I'm a woman, and I'm not working on, but have my PhD in mathematics. So if you think your "working on my master's" is all that impressive, you've got another thing coming. All the sciency people I know stink at things that involve the law, so I'm sure that ConfusedGal could drag your ass all over the court. She's also a patent lawyer, which from my understanding takes one heck of an understanding of science. So, can you do both? You are not "all that" and noone here is "out of your league". Actually from the way that you tend to dismiss people when you have no logic to back up your arguments, you sound like you are out of your league. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 And I know I'm sounding like a one-note singer here, but my kids will need their snotty faces wiped, and I am glad to be the one who's there to help them. Comes with the territory called "father." Trimmer- I wasn't disagreeing with you!! I totally agree that he shouldn't have kids while he has this attitude, but I suspect he's pretty young and doesn't have any idea about how life can change your outlooks. For instance- "My child WILL NOT have a pacifier" then you're so desperate for sleep that you give them one" and how many people have said "I would leave my partner for such and such (usually infidelity)" and yet when the times comes they don't?? You just never know what you will do/think/say until you're in that situation- despite the fact that you really think you do! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 btw... I am a microelectronics engineer working on a masters with a higher diploma in applied physics.. you may be smart... but your out of your league with me... so dont strut with me. What a completely arrogant ass statement. Anyone who has to BRAG about how intelligent they are is obviously not. You may have this job and working on this diploma but that doesn't mean that you're smarter than anyone else. Often times people who are smart like you say your are are socially inept. My husbands side of the family- they are all highly intelligent. I could tell you his uncles name and you could google it and would get thousands of hits- but when it comes right down to it- he's got his pants pulled up to his armpits, his pocket protector on, and he doesn't have s*** for social skills. Link to post Share on other sites
slinkysu Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 I'm a woman, and I'm not working on, but have my PhD in mathematics. So if you think your "working on my master's" is all that impressive, you've got another thing coming. All the sciency people I know stink at things that involve the law, so I'm sure that ConfusedGal could drag your ass all over the court. She's also a patent lawyer, which from my understanding takes one heck of an understanding of science. So, can you do both? You are not "all that" and noone here is "out of your league". Actually from the way that you tend to dismiss people when you have no logic to back up your arguments, you sound like you are out of your league. :laugh::laugh: WOOT! Go Girlfriend! And to Mr Iamstuckinthelastcentury..... what would you do if your wife was the main breadwinner and brought home more money than you? Would you still be the one going to work, even though she made more money and had a better job, and would you expect her to abandon her career for your ridiculously outdated ideals, or would you stay at home and raise the kids? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Ah, virginal youth...everything is so black and white then, so easy to dismiss all variables and create an idealistic version of how life should be. And then life happens... Sex? an obligation? If you treat it that way, that's what it will become, certainly...and you won't enjoy it. Cultivate affection, passion, intimacy, and the desire to give pleasure to your partner, and sex doesn't have to be an obligation, but an expression of all of the above. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamanisland Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 I'm a woman, and I'm not working on, but have my PhD in mathematics. So if you think your "working on my master's" is all that impressive, you've got another thing coming. All the sciency people I know stink at things that involve the law, so I'm sure that ConfusedGal could drag your ass all over the court. She's also a patent lawyer, which from my understanding takes one heck of an understanding of science. So, can you do both? You are not "all that" and noone here is "out of your league". Actually from the way that you tend to dismiss people when you have no logic to back up your arguments, you sound like you are out of your league. Well im not finished yet... also, I study varios issues in my own time, from the sciences to languages to philosphy... I also have debated in person and online many times... ConfusedGal could do nothing to me, I have logic and evidence whipped every person I've debated in my years without fail... From your answer I can tell you are 10 steps down the ladder of intelligence from me... so get out of the way before you get crapped on. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Is this that starlight2024 guy from before I left? Are you still engaged to a black woman and a satanist? Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamanisland Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 What a completely arrogant ass statement. Anyone who has to BRAG about how intelligent they are is obviously not. You may have this job and working on this diploma but that doesn't mean that you're smarter than anyone else. Often times people who are smart like you say your are are socially inept. My husbands side of the family- they are all highly intelligent. I could tell you his uncles name and you could google it and would get thousands of hits- but when it comes right down to it- he's got his pants pulled up to his armpits, his pocket protector on, and he doesn't have s*** for social skills. Good for your uncle... although, you did not prove he was stupid, only that in his intelligence he lacked the slack jawed social ettiquet of his intellectual inferiors... Being cool and stupid versus uncool and intelligent... the second sounds better to me. Regarding college... true, its possible to coast in college... There is not really much I could show as yet regarding my intellgence, that you could understand that is... The reason I mentioned it is because confusedGal wanted to mention her career in an 'in your face' fashion. Gee I wonder how many women do engineering?? Very few... I wonder why... Have a nice life Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamanisland Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 :laugh::laugh: WOOT! Go Girlfriend! And to Mr Iamstuckinthelastcentury..... what would you do if your wife was the main breadwinner and brought home more money than you? Would you still be the one going to work, even though she made more money and had a better job, and would you expect her to abandon her career for your ridiculously outdated ideals, or would you stay at home and raise the kids? Actually, she is doing medicine... but guess what, We decided on a lower paying option for her with less hours... and she will be chucking the work when I feel the time is right or when the kids come... So she will abandon her career at my say so, because career is worthless for a woman... Thats not her role in life... Not my woman anyway... oooohh.... I just no that's gonna get all you guys pissed... but tough... So yes, I will be the bread winner... Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamanisland Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 Ah, virginal youth...everything is so black and white then, so easy to dismiss all variables and create an idealistic version of how life should be. And then life happens... If you treat it that way, that's what it will become, certainly...and you won't enjoy it. Cultivate affection, passion, intimacy, and the desire to give pleasure to your partner, and sex doesn't have to be an obligation, but an expression of all of the above. If she cares for me she will have sex with me with passion regularily, if she is not passionate, ill live with it. If I can get used to miss left and miss right... I can get used to miss wife however unanimated she is... Life will happen, but as long as we get our rights in mariage, we will stay happening too.. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Actually, she is doing medicine... but guess what, We decided on a lower paying option for her with less hours... and she will be chucking the work when I feel the time is right or when the kids come... So she will abandon her career at my say so, because career is worthless for a woman... Thats not her role in life... Not my woman anyway... oooohh.... I just no that's gonna get all you guys pissed... but tough... So yes, I will be the bread winner... See???? TROLL! Seriously. Excellent one, though. Link to post Share on other sites
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