II feel that my wife is hiding something.

[hotboy1999]

My wife and will be married four years in September. But over the course of the years things have changed. About two months ago she got a new job and it is where I'm employed but I work from 7a.m. to 3p.m. and she works 4p.m. to 1p.m. I've been at this place for seven years now and I know how them men out there are. They try to get with every woman they can. So I guess I have become paranoid since she started there. I think to make matters worse her and her three sisters are very tight and neither of her sisters has a man. A couple of weeks ago I decided to look through her cell phone and when I did I found this guy's name in there. But I just couldn't ask her about it so oneday when we were riding in the car I picked up and started to pretend like I was playing the games on the phone. I then went to the name and asked her about it. She said that it was just some guy she worked with. But as days went by I would check her phone every morning and saw that some nights after getting off either she would call him or he would call her. Saw I told her I didn't like her having guys names in her phone so she deleted them. Since then she has gotten a new phone and told me she was no longer using the old phone. But tonight I sent her three text messages and then tried to call her but got no answer. So just to be doing something I used Star 67 and called the old phone and she answered it. I felt like I had just been hit in the stomache. She told me the phone didn't have anymore minutes on it. At the time she said she didn't hear her new phone because it was in her purse in the trunk of the car. What do you think. Then last week she told about a party that her and her sisters were throwing for one of her sisters on Friday.. She told me that it was just going to be women there and they were going to have some drinks. But when I talked to her Saturday afternoon she told me that they were having dinner there too. So originally she said she wasn't going to the party but later that night I called her and she said that she had changed her mind and was going to the party. But the Friday before the party I was cleaning the house and found a list of food for a party with women and men names on it. When I asked her she said that it was just something old and wasn't for the party that Saturday night. What do you think. Maybe it's all just a coincident. I don't know.

[paige367]

Usually if you feel there's something wrong, then there is something wrong. One and one are not adding up to two here. She may not be cheating yet but she may be thinking about it or at least flirting with others. It could be harmless but maybe you should talk to her about it.

[Guest]

 

 

Sorry, but nothing you wrote sounds like a coincident. It sounds like your wife is not putting any interest in your marriage. Why? You will have to ask her and get answers not excuses from her. Ask her how she feels about your marriage in a whole when you get an answer you may not like it. So be prepared.

 

It also sounds like your wife is being very selfish. She should be spending her Saturday nights with you not her sisters. Especially if this is one of the only days you two have to create a stronger bond. She is creating a strong bond with her sisters and not you at this moment.

 

If I were you, and I have been in there similiar positions, go out Saturday nights too, don't take her along and be sure it is a place where her and her sisters cannot check up on you. Keep her guessing don't let her know where you go. She will soon start feeling like you do know.

 

Since both of you work split the cost of a sitter. don't get stuck with the cost all to yourself make her RESPONSIBLE and don't let her take the baby over to her sisters for the evening.

 

Also don't do so much housework let her pick up her share and let her know it. Tell her that you are splitting the chores. Don't be argumentative but firm and stand up to all you say. Let her end of the chores go until she does them.

 

I say to do this because she is taking advantage of you and your wonderful ideas of wanting a close family. there are so many women who would love to be in your wifes shoes and love the fact the both are working together for a cause, which is your marriage and child and future.

 

sorry this was so long but talk to her get answer and then if she continues give it back to her and let her know how it feels to be treated like that.

 

Counciling is the only other alternative. with a good counceler you will be able to communicate. They have great ideas and are able to say "Why are you not putting effort into your marriage" and they expect an answer. If an excuse is given they will say that is nothing more than an excuse.

 

You sound like you are afraid of talking to your wife. don't be afraid. Call her on things that you feel are wrong and talk about it. Give her reason to think don't just let things go hoping they will work themselves out, they won't.

 

That second phone was way too suspicisios for me. I would not let this drop. She is keeping things from you.

[corwin]

There's red flags popping up all over the place here. She's definitely hiding something. It sounds like she's at least having an emotional affair. You need to go into detective mode and find out what's going on for your own peace of mind. Does she use a computer at home? If so, install a keylogger software to know what she's typing in emails or IM's.

 

Spouses should have no secrets from each other. If your gut is telling you somethings going on, then check into it.

[Guest]

Antother bit of advice do not get inbetween her and her sistser. In other words, don't tell her to not to take her sister to work and such.

 

Driving lessons is great idea. Let your wife be the one to stop be a cab or she will be resentful in a marriage that is not a close one to begin with.

 

Helping her sisters become independant will eventually lead to every one respecting you even if your marriage did not make it and it will also lead to her sisters not always having your wife around.

 

Maybe they feel because they use your wife for transportation the least they could do is invite her over Every Saturday night for a get together.

 

Why are you not invited if it is with male and female.

 

If you went with her you could spend an hour over there and then you could take your wife and go out and have dinner with her or take her to a club dancing or some other interst you and your wife have.

 

Make it a date with your wife every Saturday.

If she says not to everything then she is not putting effort to your relationship which is the problem and you need concleing (sp) or your marriage will not make it.

 

good luck, and let us know what is happening with you.

[Jana]

Sorry, but nothing you wrote sounds like a coincident. It sounds like your wife is not putting any interest in your marriage. Why? You will have to ask her and get answers not excuses from her. Ask her how she feels about your marriage in a whole when you get an answer you may not like it. So be prepared.

 

It also sounds like your wife is being very selfish. She should be spending her Saturday nights with you not her sisters. Especially if this is one of the only days you two have to create a stronger bond. She is creating a strong bond with her sisters and not you at this moment.

 

If I were you, and I have been in there similiar positions, go out Saturday nights too, don't take her along and be sure it is a place where her and her sisters cannot check up on you. Keep her guessing don't let her know where you go. She will soon start feeling like you do know.

 

Since both of you work split the cost of a sitter. don't get stuck with the cost all to yourself make her RESPONSIBLE and don't let her take the baby over to her sisters for the evening.

 

Also don't do so much housework let her pick up her share and let her know it. Tell her that you are splitting the chores. Don't be argumentative but firm and stand up to all you say. Let her end of the chores go until she does them.

 

I say to do this because she is taking advantage of you and your wonderful ideas of wanting a close family. there are so many women who would love to be in your wifes shoes and love the fact the both are working together for a cause, which is your marriage and child and future.

 

sorry this was so long but talk to her get answer and then if she continues give it back to her and let her know how it feels to be treated like that.

 

Counciling is the only other alternative. with a good counceler you will be able to communicate. They have great ideas and are able to say "Why are you not putting effort into your marriage" and they expect an answer. If an excuse is given they will say that is nothing more than an excuse.

 

You sound like you are afraid of talking to your wife. don't be afraid. Call her on things that you feel are wrong and talk about it. Give her reason to think don't just let things go hoping they will work themselves out, they won't.

 

That second phone was way too suspicisios for me. I would not let this drop. She is keeping things from you.

[933KJL]

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and talks like a duck...must be a duck.

 

Look into it for youurself and find out. Don't be a patsy in her games

[Jana]

Also don’t come between her and her sisters.

 

Driving lessons is a great idea but let your wife tell her sisters she will not be a cab for them anymore. Tell your wife how you feel not her sisters. You will get respect from your wife and her sisters if you help her sisters become independent. It sounds like your wife does not know how to do that.

 

Maybe your wifes sisters feel that the least they could do is invite your wife over every Saturday because she drives them around all week. It is up to your wife to say no thanks I’m spending it with my husband and baby.

 

 

Maybe you could take your wife out on Saturday, go over to her sisters spend an hour visiting then you and your wife could go out and have some fun, dinner, movie, something of interest to the both of you.

 

If I were you I would go over to her sisters party and stay about an hour or so with your wife. Don’t tell your wife until the day of the party and act like it is just “Hey, I think I will go too.” If your wife insists that you not go - GO anyway. And walk out the door with her. Don’t let her be alone with her cell phone be with her all the time before you leave out the door.

 

Check up on the party if you decide not to go. It just sounds like your wife prefers being single because her sisters are. If her sisters were married I'm sure her sisters would not be so needy and they would spend time with there husbands. so where does this leave you and your baby now?

 

If nothing else counceling and if she won’t go then you know what your options are.

 

Sorry this was so long. Keep us updated.

[Art_Critic]

2 phones = 1 for husband and 1 for lover.

 

Funny how she didn't answer the phone that she uses for talking to you but she did answer the phone that she uses to talk to him

[Jana]

2 phones = 1 for husband and 1 for lover[/quote

 

Well that sums it up, you cut to the chase AC.

 

She has given you reason to be suspicious plus she is neglecting her marriage.

 

Check up on her. check her cell phone bill if you can.

 

You did the right thing by checking the last calls and such.

 

If I were you I would call the number of the guy she has in her phone. #67 and see if you recognize the voice. also get his name and ask around at work who this guy is. Ask your supervisor for some feedback on this. Try to be discreet though.

 

remeber you get more information being nice and oh just a thought in passing so I thought I would ask who this guy is.

 

You have every right ot know who your wife is talking to. Invite him over for dinner or a beer one night. That would be a twist. Wath the reactions.

[Jana]

2 phones = 1 for husband and 1 for lover.

 

Funny how she didn't answer the phone that she uses for talking to you but she did answer the phone that she uses to talk to him

 

 

And she put you in the TRUNK!!!!

[hotboy1999]

About three weeks ago we had a so called talk. I told her that we may see each other maybe about 30 to 45 minutes Monday - Saturday. When she gets home I'm sleep and when I get up she's sleep. So on Saturdays she works 2p.m. to 10p.m., but one of her sisters works there and she gets off at 11p.m. So she has to sit there an hour and wait on her. So when she gets home which is around 11:30 or so, we have from then until she decides to go to bed which is usually about 1a.m. to spend time together. And then we have Sunday to spend together. I forgot to mention that we do have a 2year old son whom I pick up from daycare everyday and take care of all evening. So not only do I not get to spend time with her, neither does our son. Often when we spend the 30 or 45 minutes together I usually ask her what time did she get home just to be holding a conversation. But today she got kind of defensive and ask did I feel like someone was trying take her away. I told her I was just trying to make conversation. She had once said that I don't do the things like I use to. So I was wondering if she felt that I don't love her anymore. So I've decided to do little things to see if that changes her attitude. The other night before I went to bed I left her a card out. Then this morning before I left I left her another card. I'm planning on doing something nice for her Saturday night like have a hot bubble bath with candles waiting on her when she gets home, a nice hot meal, and slow music and drinks. I feel that I'm trying very hard to hold this marriage together, but sometimes I feel that it's just not worth it. I also plan to have a very heart felt conversation with her Saturday night about our marriage and other issues that affect our marriage. I will let yall know how it works out and thanks for all the advice and support. To add I feel that when you can't trust know one else you can trust your mother. So her and I had a discussion and she said that if I go looking for trouble I find trouble, which means any little thing I found I may try to make it out to be something it's not. Hopefully she's right and everything will be okay.

[hotboy1999]

Antother bit of advice do not get inbetween her and her sistser. In other words, don't tell her to not to take her sister to work and such.

 

Driving lessons is great idea. Let your wife be the one to stop be a cab or she will be resentful in a marriage that is not a close one to begin with.

 

Helping her sisters become independant will eventually lead to every one respecting you even if your marriage did not make it and it will also lead to her sisters not always having your wife around.

 

Maybe they feel because they use your wife for transportation the least they could do is invite her over Every Saturday night for a get together.

 

Why are you not invited if it is with male and female.

 

If you went with her you could spend an hour over there and then you could take your wife and go out and have dinner with her or take her to a club dancing or some other interst you and your wife have.

 

Make it a date with your wife every Saturday.

If she says not to everything then she is not putting effort to your relationship which is the problem and you need concleing (sp) or your marriage will not make it.

 

good luck, and let us know what is happening with you.

 

 

Neither of her sisters have a man in their life. So I often wonder do she talk to them trying to get advice. But in reality they really can't tell her because they are not in a realtionship with anyone.

[whichwayisup]

So her and I had a discussion and she said that if I go looking for trouble I find trouble, which means any little thing I found I may try to make it out to be something it's not. Hopefully she's right and everything will be okay

.

 

See, I took that a completely different way...Different angle...

 

I read that as, if you go looking for trouble (Meaning, accusing her of something,) you won't like what you find out...

 

She may not be physically cheating on you, but she isn't acting and behaving like a married woman should. Also, why is she NOT at home with her child? Why is it spending time with her sister's more important than home life?

 

She isn't putting in much effort towards you and the marriage. Work and life gets in the way.

 

Why not take it a new direction? Make plans for a family trip, (without the sisters ofcourse!) and spend some well needed alone time together. You may have to start the ball rolling first.

 

Start bringing home flowers. Romance her. Have baths together and cuddle up. Make love after your child goes to bed on the nights you two are home together.

[jmargel]

So you are rewarding her for lying and betraying you? Giving her a bubble bath? Dude, wake up. That is not going to fix things. You need to show some tough love.

 

First off there is no possible way your marriage is going to last while you two work opposite shifts and only really spend a couple hours of time together a week. Of course you two will drift apart. Honestly she needs to change jobs, one where she is working the same hours as you. Doesn't matter if the pay is good at where's she at now. Is it really worth the marriage?

 

Second she is disrespecting you & your family. She has not faced any consequences to her actions. If you feel in your gut that something is wrong, then there is. Most people who are doing bad will often tell their spouse 'you're crazy', 'you're paranoid', 'trust me, nothing is going on'. Those are red flag, signal words that yes there is something going on.

 

You two have deep issues that just go beyond blanket statements such as 'you don't do the things like you use to'. Those are broad statements that the cheater will often use to help relieve any guilt they may have. It's easier to blame someone else for their problems/mistakes.

 

What I would do in your situation is this: Write her a letter, tell her you love her and that you have noticed a lack of communication, understanding and feel that the bond between you two is being tested. That you want to goto marriage counseling with her even if that means she needs to take time off from work every week. That the track you two are on is headed in the wrong direction and you want this worked out. In this letter don't put accusations or blame in it.

 

A good suggestion would be to write the letter & post it here before giving it to her so that we may give you advice on how to word certain parts of it. This will allow you to get your message to her in a way that won't make her defensive and have her keep an open mind to counseling.

 

Actions speak louder than words and I was in your position last year. Things did not start improving until I showed tough love by wanting her to move out. I believe it wasn't until then that she realized what she was truly losing. Before that, threats & words were just that. They meant nothing. Don't roll over & piddle on this one, show her the confidence that's in you and make her truly feel what she is about to lose.