and now it's like THIS

[Tina]

This is incredible! Only a week ago I was unsure if my boyfriend wanted to just be friends or get back together..(I was even unsure if he ever wanted to see me again)

 

Now he's talking about having me over during Christmas when his daughter comes! I just don't understand how he could have gone from one extreme to the other in such a short period of time.

 

Originally his daughter wanted to come during the holidays because he's going to have an operation right before Christmas, and I told him that it would be better if she came instead of me because she should have first priority being his daughter. He told his daughter that he wanted me to be there too and she agreed with him.

 

He wants me to come there ahead of time during the holidays so we can have time to ourselves. When she comes we will sleep seperately because he doesn't want her to know we are physical yet which I understand as she is religious.

 

I am just surprized that he changed so quickly from last week. Does this seem strange to anyone? Does the idea of me staying with him at the same time as his daughter seem a bit rushed since we are still in the beginning stages of our relationship? Any advice?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "I am just surprized that he changed so quickly from last week. Does this seem strange to anyone?"

 

Things used to seem strange to me. But after visiting this forum on a regular basis for a couple years, nothing at all seems strange. Isn't that strange?

[proceed with caution]

In my experience a person who does a complete 180 like that ought to be treated with a fair amount of skepticism, at least until he demonstrates that he's thought things out and is for real.

 

Here's an example: after a separation of four 1/2 months last January my ex and I had a discussion about whether or not we should get back together. The issue had been about permanent commitment. We still loved each other. After a couple of weeks of email & phone call discussions (he works overseas) he wrote me a long letter explaining why he didn't think it would work, why he couldn't commit. I was extremely disappointed, but had to accept it. Three weeks later my ex, from out of the blue, had seen the light and said that he was quite sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, that he loved me and that life without me was awful. Wow! And he flew over to see me and reconnect! I was on cloud nine. I loved him so much, I couldn't believe after all the heartache I'd suffered that a happy ending was coming after all.

 

But there was no proposal, no real discussion of concrete plans for the future. I wanted something more firm but he said "it's the man's perogative, I want to do this in my own way, when the moment is right." He flew back to the place where he lives/works. The next month I joined him in his hometown and met his ailing mother for the first time ever. We spent a nice week together. Two days after we parted, with an ocean safely between us, he broke up with me. From out of the blue. With the lamest, most meaningless explanations imaginable. And without discussion -- there was nothing to discuss since he couldn't even give me reasons! In retrospect the fact that I'd just learned I'd been accepted to a prestigious doctoral program very likely was the trigger. But the dumping would have happened sooner or later. The warning signs had been there all along ... I just hadn't been willing or able to see them. His change of heart had been too radical, too fast to have been well thought out. He reluctance to follow through on what he said he wanted was clearly a sign that he wasn't sure it WAS what he wanted.

 

Maybe the holidays with your guy & his daughter will be fine. Maybe things are back on track and will only get better. But whenever something happens that gives you pause, don't ignore it or brush it aside. If I were you I'd be talking about every little thing he says & does to my close friends or family. As someone who downplayed her boyfriend's crap to her friends & family, because he had "special circumstances" and I didn't want people to get the "wrong" impression of him, I can attest to the pitfalls of not listening to warning signs. Or to the people who can see the warning signs. My friends and family saw them, despite the whitewashed version of the story I presented and despite the excuses I willingly made for him.

 

So for your new developments I say: hooray -- with caution. Just don't close your eyes now that things seem to be going well.

 

But still, yay for you! Good luck!

[Ed]

I am just as surprised as you are. You must have caught him in a weak moment. It's probably just a passing phase. I'm sure he will get back to normal soon.

 

My advice is to keep obsessing over this and assume the worst. His daughter will probably be envious and jealous of you. I bet you will have to fight her for his affection the entire time.

[midori]

The danger of writing messages late at night: I changed my nickname when I meant to change the subject heading. Sorry!

[Tony T]

When writing messages late at night, you should PROCEED WITH CAUTION!!!

[midori]

When writing messages late at night, you

should PROCEED WITH CAUTION!!!

[Carrie]

Maybe it's the rubber band theory. He pulls away when you guys get to serious and he can't handle it, you leave him alone to work through things, he realizes he misses you and comes slinging right back. Who knows, men still confuse me.