How do you know?

[Lor]

Hi everyone. I'm new here, came because I have questions--don't we all.

 

How do you know when you're ready to start dating again? I'm separated, my husband keeps giving me mixed signals like he may want to try again, then other times not. I've been on my own now for 2 months, but emotionally alone for a year. I've been picking up the pieces, one fragment at a time, but I don't know if I'm lonely or am actually ready. But I'm wanting to have some fun again and going out to the bars with friends or eating by myself in a restaurant isn't that much fun as sharing it with someone.

 

Thanks,

Laura

[Gunny376]

Hi everyone. I'm new here, came because I have questions--don't we all.

 

How do you know when you're ready to start dating again? I'm separated, my husband keeps giving me mixed signals like he may want to try again, then other times not. I've been on my own now for 2 months, but emotionally alone for a year. I've been picking up the pieces, one fragment at a time, but I don't know if I'm lonely or am actually ready. But I'm wanting to have some fun again and going out to the bars with friends or eating by myself in a restaurant isn't that much fun as sharing it with someone.

 

Thanks,

Laura

 

For a year ~ and I mean she was literally on one side of the world and she was on the other. Long story short ~ I re-bounded with another woman coming out of a ten year marriage ~ for six and half years.

 

I regreated it ~ big time! Still do to this day. Part of what comes into play ~ is you ego has just got thrown under the bus ~ so your emotional state wants and needs some reasssurance that your desirable, not that bad of a person ~ not the person that your X built you up to be not the person that YOU, yourself made yourself out to be.

 

Dating is someting that you do ~ when you've got your life just about as perfect as it can be. Just started a new job ~ now is not the time to start dating. Just got out of a long term relationship ~ now is not the time to start dating. Your finances are a mess? Now is not the time to start dating. Or I should say ~ not to allow yourself to get serious about someone.

 

Light, casual, non-serious dating ~ being completely and up-front that you're not looking to get serious, just hanging out ~ that's another thing altogether.

 

Personally, I won't date anyone whose been divorced less than a year. I would prefer ~ two years. This isn't an absolute ~ just a personal rule of mine.

 

From your post, and the tone that I infered from it ~ I would say you're not ready. It sounds as though you've still haven't resolved everything with your X ~ and that you are open to the possibility of reconcillation.

 

In the end ~ it varies for each individaul. I would recommend that you keep your wits about you ~ and go slow ~ walking through a mine field slow. You're still very emotionally vulnerable. Divorce not only sucks, it huuuuurrrrrrrtttttttsssssss!!!!!!!!!!

[Lor]

Thanks Gunny for the insight. yeah, I am still very confused. but, believe it or not, I've come a long way.

 

I've managed to overcome a nervous breakdown, severe depression, anxiety, self-loathing, severe memory loss, and whatever else I can't think of . I've bought a house, completely remodeled it, from the plumbing to the cabinets, and am honestly feeling better about myself. I've even been hit on a few times, which is very flattering. My oldest son calls me super-Mom.

 

heavens, no, I'm not ready for anything serious. I don't know if I'll ever take him back after the hell I've been thru this past year, but what do you do when you are constantly getting mixed signals? He's the one true love I will have in my life, and I will always love him, but honestly I don't know if it will ever work again. I can't deal with the flip-flopping, which is why I moved out in the first place. I can't MAKE him want to try and he's in no hurry.

 

Is there any harm in casual dating, no strings attached, make me feel special again kind of dating?? Take me out to dinner, a movie, hold the door open for me, kiss on the cheek at the end of the night kind of relationship? Most men wouldn't settle for just that I know. may as well be out with my brother.

 

I know I'm still married, cripes, I can't forget, but I'm not sure if this is just loneliness and if I ignore it will it go away?? And, what would it do to our chances of reconciling? It might hurt, it might help. I've thought about coming on to him to maybe "ease the frustration" but I've humilated myself like that with him before and don't relish the thought of doing it again. Not that he would turn me away but its so empty feeling.

[Becoming]

If you're wanting to date other men and are still married but separated, it sounds like you're emotionally ready to be divorced now. Do you need the complications of yet another man in your life?

[Lor]

You bring up an interesting point. I want to date my husband but can't because he won't. Therefore, I can sit at home and mope that my husband doesn't want me, or doesn't know what he wants. Or I can pick up another piece. One thing I'm not wanting to do is drag an innocent bystandard into my mess. Guess I'm using this sight more as a sounding board that anything. Not exactly something to talk about with the co-workers. and please!! no comments on counselling....been there done that. my family doctor was better than she was...at least he doesn't confuse me with another patient, or look at his watch.

 

Who is ever emotionally ready to be divorced? Its gonna hurt like hell if it happens.

[Becoming]

Understand the waiting for him to show up and want you. Good luck with that! It sucks big time to sit like a little dog under the table begging for scraps from your H, to say over and over what you want and need only to find yourself talking to a Stonehenge monolith.

 

In another post, you mentioned that he was having an emotional affair. I'm sorry. That hurts. I got to read all the emails of my H's emotional affair--words he said to someone else that I'd been dying to hear said to me. I threw him out and told him he needed to decide what he wanted to do by thus and such time because I had an appt. with a lawyer, and I had all the emails printed out as evidence for court. I gave him conditions he had to meet in order to get back into the marriage.

 

Have you done that--given him an ultimatum and time? Who are the innocent bystanders who might be hurt? Those you date? It sounds like you are ready to go out just to hold the loneliness at bay. If you're lonely, why not get involved in a support group, church, or classes and concentrate on making new friends more than anything else.

 

I know the longing you have for your H to want you and to make up his mind. But he won't if you don't give him something concrete he has to meet in order to show you his good faith.

 

Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com. It's a great site.

[Lor]

It sucks big time to sit like a little dog under the table begging for scraps from your H, to say over and over what you want and need only to find yourself talking to a Stonehenge monolith.

 

Thanks for that!! I'm done with the begging, being on my knees. All I got was rug burn.

 

I guess by innocent bystandard I mean I don't want to use someone to make myself feel better. A small part of me wonders if me going out with someone wouldn't help wake my H up. A support group, etc would be helpful for the loneliness but its not the same:( .

 

If I give an ultimatum, I have to be able to back it up and I'm not ready to do that yet.

 

I'm really very fortunate; I have his family's support (they are not happy with him), my family's support, I have a wonderful employer who has been more than understanding, and am financially able to stand on my own without help. I'm getting my memory and concentration back, am off the depression meds, except the occasional Xanex. We have both put our kids first--my house is 2 minutes up the road so they stay with me one week, him the next. We refuse to argue in front of the kids and won't bring them into this at all.

 

I think he still loves me. He's an expert at avoidance and puting things off. One day he's ignoring me, then a week later he's telling me he hasn't slept good since I left. But I can't go back; my house is my sanctuary and I guess my hiding place too.

 

On dating someone--I don't have to make a decision today. That's something I've had to learn is to "sit my impatient ass down" as a good friend told me. where he's a procrastinator, I dive in head first to get it over with. I've been confused today with too many thoughts going thru my head and needed an outlet. And a friendly ear of people who understand what I'm going thru.

[Gunny376]

Is there any harm in casual dating, no strings attached, make me feel special again kind of dating?? Take me out to dinner, a movie, hold the door open for me, kiss on the cheek at the end of the night kind of relationship? Most men wouldn't settle for just that I know

 

Contary to popular belief ~ there are such men as you describe ~ who would do the above and more on a date ~ and be prefectally willing to say Goodnight at the door. I know ~ I'm one of them. So is my buddy Billy frin work.

 

We have fully developed outside interests, and we really don't have time for anything serious. Bill has his 8 year old daughter that he spends a lot of time with, drit-biking, calling ball games, and dirt bike competition, riding his street bike, coaching tennis, playing tennis (he's ranked statewide and nationally). I've got things that I'm working on, hobbies, interets ~ getting my life to where I want and need it to be.

 

What guys like Bill and I don't want is the romancing, the winning and dining, someone calling us and holding us on the phone for hours and hours. We're busy ~ with out lives, our projects, our hobbies, and interests. Its not that we're not interested in "more" it just what comes with it. And, then these days, well,..................its like you Mama told you when you were little,,............"Don't pick that up, you don't know where its been!" I mean when it comes to getting intimate, I believe in 'threesomes!" Me, her, and the Dr. That, and I just got out of the chld support business three years ago, and I don't want to get back into it. And, there ain't going to be any accidents!

 

The kind of date you're looking for is probally going to be an older guy, setteled, comfortable with being friends, likes the company of women, doesn't believe the world's going to come to a screaching hault if he doesn't have some kind of sex everyday, is confident in himself, about himself, has in own life, his own interests, doesn't care where or who you'e with, or what you're doing when he's not with you, etc.

 

 

Did I just describe the almost perfect husband?

[Gunny376]

Thanks for that!! I'm done with the begging, being on my knees. All I got was rug burn.quote]

 

Somehow, that didn't come across the way I think you meant it to? :lmao: :lmao:

[Lor]

The kind of date you're looking for is probally going to be an older guy, setteled, comfortable with being friends, likes the company of women, doesn't believe the world's going to come to a screaching hault if he doesn't have some kind of sex everyday, is confident in himself, about himself, has in own life, his own interests, doesn't care where or who you'e with, or what you're doing when he's not with you, etc.

 

sounds like a eunich. maybe I should get a dog.....

[Lor]

Gunny, no didn't really mean it that way.

 

I'd laugh too except I remember the humilation. Literally on my knees in front of him, begging him to "please try again, that I could be a better wife, just please don't leave me, don't do this to us!!"

 

At least I can think about it now and not start bawling for 2 days.

[Lor]

Just started a new job ~ now is not the time to start dating. Just got out of a long term relationship ~ now is not the time to start dating. Your finances are a mess? Now is not the time to start dating. Or I should say ~ not to allow yourself to get serious about someone.

 

Sounds like the reasons I give why I can't quit smoking.

[Gunny376]

sounds like a eunich. maybe I should get a dog.....

 

Bow! Wow! Bow!

[CryingCanuck]

OK here goes,

If you know my story, it's confused and maybe in some ways like yours.

I've now been separated for 6 months after a 23 year marriage, and I do get the urge to date again, but more for the companionship and for simply getting out.

I mentioned on my thread that I went out a couple of weeks ago and last night I dated someone again and to be honest, I'm not the least bit ready for anything.

I found myself thinking about things I should never think about when you're with someone else and those thoughts had absolutely nothing to do with the person I was with.

 

Came home and told myself, and I mean this OK! "Maybe sometime next year" Not only is the ink not even dry on our separation agreement, but we've not even decided on when I'm to list the damn house......

 

So I would say, depending on how long you were married, that you're way way WAY ahead of yourself, and you would be doing yourself and the person you're with a great disservice.

Now these are just my thoughts on that matter,

[Lor]

Bow! Wow! Bow![unquote]

:lmao: :lmao:

 

Canuck, thanks for the words of advice and they make great sense. I'll have to keep thinking about it all. I'm fairly young yet and all I've got is time. Everytime I think "who would want a single woman with 3 kids" I think of my mother who met my Dad when she was 37 with 7 kids! The man is a saint.