Question for all women and men as well

[SadGreenEyes]

I need some honest answers from as many of you as possible. I need to know if it's just me...

My question - Whether having a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband or wife - Would any of you tolerate numerous phone calls from the opposite sex of your significant other?

My situation is this and Im flipping out and need to know if Im right or wrong....

My boyfriend has female friends, females out number the male friends. These famale friends call him all the time, stay on the phone for hours. They have been friends of his for years, I understand friendships and would never ask him to give up friends for me. However, I often ask him, "If they had husbands or boyfriends, do you honestly think any of them would tolerate this?". He said he didnt know. I told him right out, No, they wouldnt but they obviously have no consideration nor do they try to put the shoe on the other foot.

Ive had it and would like as many answers as possible. Perhaps I can show him them.

Please help!!

[TUDOR]

Whether not any one here finds the phone calls wrong or right, if they are causing a problem between the two of you then they need to be addressed. Does he hide the phone calls from you or try to keep them a secret? Do you feel he is being dishonest about the whole thing? If not and this is just about your insecurities of him talking to another woman then you can't fault him for doing anything wrong. I think we need more info from you about the nature of these calls.

[Buttaflyy]

Personally, if they are platonic friends I might not have a problem with it but how do you know that they are all strictly platonic?

 

With me it's a double standard because I am the one with male friends mostly, and my poor BF has to deal with it . It doesn't bother him anymore since he knows that these friends are only friends and have been around before him. He's very secure with the fact that none of them will replace him. If he did have a problem with it, his happiness is very important to me and my friends would understand. He on the other hand has no real female friends, and I must admit that I'm pretty happy about that (I know it's a double standard)

 

Some of my friends GF's have a problem with me being in contact with their men. We back off and don't keep in contact as much. They chose to honor their mate's wishes which is understood by me.

 

I guess in the end it's what works for the two of you and the bottom line is that your loyalties are to your SO. You have to reassure them in order for them to be secure. I'm not saying that the friends should be cut off, but maybe time spent with them could be limited.

[SadGreenEyes]

I'll give you an example of 4 women who call him and what he does.

1 - Old friend of 13 years, was in love with him. Did everything possible to break us up and fed him guilt trips and hated me...I never met nor spoke to her. She would call him knowing I was with him and couldnt care less. They shared a kiss once in the 13 years, never had sex. Safe - he would never be with her, even if we broke up.

2 - Old friend of 15+ years. She always had a thing for him. Has 2 interacial children and according to him is a complete mess and would never become involved with her. They too kissed, again, not a threat, just inconsiderate calling him at 1:30am and talking until 5am. What's so important?

3 - Old family friend, married woman in her late 50's. Very opinionated, tells him I should not live here. Bashes me and my son, not cool. Not a threat and doesnt call as much, she doesnt really bother me but I know how she feels about me.

4 - Ex fiancee. Her husband called my boyfriend and asked him not to speak to his wife of 15 years and mother of his 3 kids anymore.

When he speaks to these women he will leave the room or sit in his car in the driveway.

Insecure? Sure, I guess. Suspiscious, definitely! Dope tells me what they say....

Do I think he would cheat? No? Do I know he talks bad of me, yes. Does he tell me what they think of me? Yes.

I dont know....I have old male friends I have known my whole life who have moved on with their lives, married, kids, I wouldnt think to call them all the time, out of respect, plus if I did...they wouldnt stay on the phone for hours, I assure you. My bf is a talker, worse than a woman.

Again, I asked him if he honestly thought they would tolerate it themselves? Let's face it, they would. I know it.

To make him get the idea, I ask him what if his Dad had female friends and they called him all the time, would his Mom put up with it? No!

Hey, like I said I can be wrong, but I think it's f***ing rude as hell and inconsiderate. Get a phone a friend.

[alphamale]

When he speaks to these women he will leave the room or sit in his car in the driveway.

This is the tip off SGE....if he cannot talk with them in your presence then something fishy is going on.

 

This is one good example of why I don't condone close cross-gender friendships.

[BenJammin]

I'

When he speaks to these women he will leave the room or sit in his car in the driveway.

 

when i used to do this it was because i was buying things i shouldn't be buying. either way, something is up.

[SueBee3490]

Do I think he would cheat? No? Do I know he talks bad of me, yes. Does he tell me what they think of me? Yes.

 

What is this about? I would be so angry at his talking "bad" of me to others especially women. I think this sounds fishy and if he's talking bad of you and they don't think much of you - the next step up would be cheating.

Good luck

[BenJammin]

if i am dating a girl, and i am talking bad about her to other chicks, it means i want those other chicks, but i am getting something out of my girlfriend too that isn't worth leaving just yet. probably regulay lay-sessions, to be honest.

 

face it, girlfriends make you comfortable, other girls get you hot. it's hard to give up one of those worlds, even though i know it's wrong.

 

i don't do that anymore. the only way i learned my lesson was by losing a really good girl who got a lot of crappy treatment from me. she didn't wait for me to break-up with her to go with the other chicks, which would have happened. she asked me what kind of relationship it was supposed to be if only the two of us knew about it since everyone else thought i hated her because of the way i talked, and saw me with other women. ouch.

[scrybe74]

I was in a relationship a few years ago in which I stopped talking to all of my closest female friends. It was a big mistake and the relationship ended. I totally regretted it and fortunately after 4 years my friends let me back in their lives and forgave me.

 

I still think it's disrespectful for him to take so many calls whenever they call. He needs to set boundaries with them.

 

My current relationship has gone differently. Once I got serious about this girl I sat her down and gave her the names of the females that I am the closest to and that I will always be close friends with them. There were 4. 3 of which I talk to on a regular basis. (every other night or weekly) Of those 4 I slept with only 1 in the past and it only lasted over the span of 2 weeks and we stopped. It was a bad idea and it happened 9 years before I met my current gf.

 

I then told her of a few female friends that I have that I wouldn't consider close but that we stay in touch from time to time. None of these I have ever slept with or had any sort of romantic connection.

 

I leave the room when I speak to my close female friends but it's because of privacy. We're friends and we share things privately with each other. But I do this with my male friends that I talk to as well. Also, when my GF talks to her friends she goes into another room or steps outside. I'm not supspicious, I just think it's considerate. I don't want to hear her conversation while I'm reading or watching TV.

 

On the other side though I called each of my 3 close female friends and explained that this relationship has gone to a new level and I love her and I want them to respect our relationship no matter what they feel about it. So what did they do? The scaled back the phone calls, they didn't visit as often and they've invited her along with us when we get together (which is every few weeks or months)

 

I think you should talk to your BF and tell him that if these friends are that important to him then you respect that but you want them to respect your relationship and not call all hours of the night, give him some space to be with you and at least TRY to be friends with you as well. If not then to be civil. In return you'll give them that same respect. If he can't do that then I'd reconsider whether you should stay with him or not.

[whichwayisup]

These women are not bringing ANY good into his life. They all seem to not like you and probably love it when he talks to them about you. That's a big NO-NO! WTF is he doing sharing details, or saying things about you with them? I thought atleast ONE of the four women would have been a childhood friend that has a big heart and is part of BOTH of your lives. Seems NONE are.

 

He's spending TOO much time devoted to his friends. That time should be for you and him! He has to tell them ALL to back off and let him live his life with you. And if they don't like it or can't support him, well maybe he needs to give THEM the boot. He has to put you and your feelings ahead of theirs. Make you number one! And they all should know this too - Have some respect and not call him so much...Especially late at night when he should be in bed with you.

[BrandonBP]

He talks on the phone for hours with females?!? There's no way in hell that that is acceptable.

[scrybe74]

These women are not bringing ANY good into his life. They all seem to not like you and probably love it when he talks to them about you. That's a big NO-NO! WTF is he doing sharing details, or saying things about you with them? I thought atleast ONE of the four women would have been a childhood friend that has a big heart and is part of BOTH of your lives. Seems NONE are.

 

He's spending TOO much time devoted to his friends. That time should be for you and him! He has to tell them ALL to back off and let him live his life with you. And if they don't like it or can't support him, well maybe he needs to give THEM the boot. He has to put you and your feelings ahead of theirs. Make you number one! And they all should know this too - Have some respect and not call him so much...Especially late at night when he should be in bed with you.

 

Nail on the head!

[binevrywear]

I don't follow this site every day but I have already read and responded to a few threads you've started over the pasts little while, SGE. For the love of Buddha and all the Saints in heaven, why are you still with this man? He sounds so bad for you. Can't you see that? Who cares about all the bad things he's gone through health- or otherwise, or is going through and probably will go through. If you have any shred of dignity and self-worth, you will see that he is just not worth the effort. Are you trying to rescue him from himself or something? If it isn't him calling you stupid, or not screwing you (but his jerking himself off is OK) then it's his endless talking on the phone at all hours of the day and night with women he used to be involved with - and saying bad things about you to them to boot! Lady, GET a CLUE! He is BAD NEWS! LEAVE HIM!!! Are you financially dependent on him or something? If not, I can't see why you didn't give him the boot ages ago.

 

Whew, not usually so blunt, but this really gets me going. We have free will in this world, don't we? Or do you live in North Korea?

[SadGreenEyes]

You're GREAT!!!!!

 

I know you're right Bin - I dont know what keeps me with him, all I can say is deep down, I do love him very much, that I cant help.

I love your advice and trust me when I tell you, your advice becomes embedded somewhere in my clouded brain!

Perhaps, one day I will find the strength to move on and not look back. The last 2 years has weakened me, something I never was. I feel my strength growing and am, figuratively speaking of course, growing a set of balls where he is concerned and especially where these bimbos are concerned and he knows it!

Always welcome your advice and opinions Bin! You're a very smart person!

 

Thanks again!

SGE

[Mr. F]

The bottom line here is that if what he is doing is hurting you and upsetting the relationship, he needs to change his behavior.

 

You mentioned he loves to talk. We all know someone like this- they just don't know when to shut up. That's not an excuse for what he is doing, but it is something to keep in mind.

 

Not to shift any blame to you, but do you and your boyfriend talk often/regularly? This is one thing to consider.

 

If he consistently makes an effort to get away from you to talk in private with these people, then there is reason to be suspicious. If it is just friendly talking, there should be no reason to keep his conversations private. At the same time though, you need to figure out whether or not his motive for leaving the room is out of courtesy or out of secrecy.

 

The best thing to do is not get mad and create a situation where he has to actually hide his talking from you. He lets you be aware of when he is on the phone, which is a good thing...even if he goes to talk where you can't hear him.

 

Be up front with him. He is allowed to have friends and talk to them, but he isn't allowed to do so at your expense. If he cares about you, he will curb his conversations. He needs to understand how his actions make you feel and hopefully, he will make the necessary changes.

 

Good luck.

[Computer]

Hey,

 

Alright, based on the info. I've picked up on, he's not going to change and you'll get tired of him. Basically, this relationship will come to an end soon enough so let's just discuss the aftermath...

 

Like any man of his type, he's going to persevere to get you back - nonestop. It's going to be like this ENDLESS effort to get you back...only for him to perform for you all over again and in the end turn out to be the same person you know him to be. Don't fall for it! I can say this a countless number of times and it never registers in the human brain. He's going to call you at all the wrong times during those lonely nights begging to treat you like crap and talk to other women in front of you all over (these are basically his intentions). Don't have low self-worth for yourself. I'm sure you are gorgeous and can have anyone you chose. And on a childish level, the one who breaks up first wins!!! That means you wont feel so bad after the break up. Trust me, it's feels worse to be dumped .

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