Sex life going down the drains...

[bookdiva]

So I'm looking for some outside opinions. My boyfrind of 5 years, and I started out our relarionship with a great sex life. Over the past 2 years it has been dwindling. We went from having sex 3-4 time a weeks to about twice a month (if I'm lucky). We've determined that I have a much higher sex drive than he does, and we are very open to each other about sex and everything else. So last night we start talking about out lack of sex life, and when I ask why he doesn't initiate anymore these are the reasons we come up with:

- it's alot of work for him, since he does most of the physical activity. It's not like I just lay there, but I can agree that most of the ACTION is down by him.

- It's not satisfying for him. When i ask why, he says it's because he cannot "finish" with me (we don't have kids nor do we want them). I say use condoms, he says the lube is too messy. We've tried various BC methods and have not found one for me that does not have adverse effects. I'm still willing to try more pills until we find one that works.

- It's all about me (the girl). He says that I don't focus enough on pleasing him. I said I would work on trying to be less greedy. Although I could use some insight on this from guys who may have felt this way.

- It takes too long. He's bothered by the fact that it takes longer to satisfy me know than it did when we were first dating. I'm not sure how to change this, you just get used to each other I guess? but i do know that we have sex so seldom now, that when we do I want it to last longer...

 

So that's the basics of it. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I don't question his love for me, or his fidelity. This not a fight between us, just 2 people who love each other that are trying to figure out what's going wrong.

 

Thanks,

Kat

[Buttaflyy]

This is not abnormal or uncommon. And all of the reasons you listed may be valid ones, on both your parts, but this can not continue! I feel the same way you do sometimes. As if i want it to last longer because there's no telling when the next time might be (for me it's not that long in between times, but I'm greedy:p ). But when you're focusing so much on that, you aren't really concentrating or connecting with him. Your constantly thinking...

 

UGh! Yeah I've been here. The one with the stronger sex drive. Maybe you should start initiating and being more agressive. He shouldn't have to do all the work. Go...Rock his world!

[bookdiva]

thanks for the thoughts! I know there are other women out there with strong libido's! I know it's not just me..LOL

 

About initiating...I have tried. Having issues on this front as well. If I come right out and say, "hey Honey, how about a roll in the hay?" he says he feels pressured and it irritates him.

So then I've tried to be coy, maybe snuggle up to him on the couch...nuzzle him, maybe a kiss, and SOMETIMES this works. But usually I get the "Push Kiss". (Can you believe we have a name for it?) It's that kiss you get when you are trying to...be more passionate, and they keep their lips tightly closed and turn your passionate kiss into a friendly peck. That's his indication to me that he's not really feeling frisky. Kinda the "Thanks, but not tonight." It maybe because he's tired, or busy, or just plain not into it. We have figured out that our "peak" times are different. I'm a night-time girl, and he's a mid-morning guy. So he's feeling most frisky when I'm at work. And when I come home, it's like I've missed the party...lol.

 

Any other initiating ideas? I'm open..

[AManWithTroubles]

Just keep up the regulare pace you have right now...

 

Because once you get a ring on your finger and have a baby or two, that's all he's going to get anyways. Might as well leave him used to that amount.

[PSmith]

I don't think he feels as comfortable talking about sex as you do. You need to find a way for him to open up. If you're not doing the things that satisfy him, he needs to feel comfortable enough to let you know what he's looking for.

 

This is a tough thing to do. Most people, no matter how close the relationship, will have a hard time saying things like “I like to be dressed up like little bo-peep and spanked”.

 

HBO had a series (they may still have) called Real Sex. In it they profile some of the things people do. Some of it is very far out of the main stream. Use that as a vehicle for discussion. Don't use it as a how to manual and don't plan on sex after watching it. Just use it to get him talking about things he'd like to try. Let him know you're open to new ideas.

 

If you get him talking about what he likes to do (or maybe things he's fantasized about doing) and you let him know that you'd be up for it, he may take the initiative.

 

The key is to get him talking about what he likes or wants.

[justagirliegirl]

You are fortunate that he has told you specifically what was wrong.

 

Maybe he thinks if you initiate then he will still be doing all the work?

 

How about making some sessions just for him. Wake him up with a morning bj where he can just lay there and enjoy being pleasured.

[bookdiva]

Thanks for the ideas...we are working on making improvements. I thought I would repond based on the comments...

 

Aman...the "regular pace" we have right now is a recipe for disappointment. I wouldn't recommend to anyone to stay in a relationship where their needs are not being met. Which is why I'm working on this. We are apparently not meeting each other's needs, so we are addressing it so that we can fix it if possible, and not end up a resentful old married couple. I honestly just think that we haven't found the right words to express the issue fully to each other...but we are working on it.

 

psmith....I appreciate the candor in your comment. And I do think that show's like Real Sex, are helpful in sparking conversation that may otherwise be uncomfortable or taboo. This is not necessarily the case in our relationship. We are admittedly kinky perverts...lol. Often what we see on Real Sex are things that we have done already! We often talk about our fantasies and then see what we can do to make them a reality, if that is possible. Which is why our dwindling sex experiences were becoming such a concern for me.

However, you have made a VERY good point. Even though I may think that we have an open and communicative relationship when it comes to sex, I do think that he is holding back. On one hand, I didn't want to push him too hard in sharing his kinkier fantasies with me, because I do think that people have a right to their own private thoughts, however I also wanted him to know that if he feels that expressing those thoughts will help in our sexlife, then I'd LOVE to hear about it. And when we talked last night about how he tends to hold back some of his fantasies he admitted that it was because he feels somewhat embarrassed about the kinkiness of them. I did let him know that I would keep an open mind and do what I can to make him feel comfortable when he's talking about it. This seems to be helping, at least last night it did, now we just need to keep it up, so to speak. Thanks!

 

Justagirlie...Again a very valid point. I may have overlooked some of the simpler methods of inticement. He really has never turned down a good morning bj. Maybe a little give and take. If i start initiating more sessions just for him, maybe he will start initiating sessions with me...Thanks.

 

Just a side note, last night was a good night. We played, we talked, and generally came up with a plan to keep working on it...thanks for your thoughts

[bookdiva]

Thanks for the ideas...we are working on making improvements. I thought I would repond based on the comments...

 

Aman...the "regular pace" we have right now is a recipe for disappointment. I wouldn't recommend to anyone to stay in a relationship where their needs are not being met. Which is why I'm working on this. We are apparently not meeting each other's needs, so we are addressing it so that we can fix it if possible, and not end up a resentful old married couple. I honestly just think that we haven't found the right words to express the issue fully to each other...but we are working on it.

 

psmith....I appreciate the candor in your comment. And I do think that show's like Real Sex, are helpful in sparking conversation that may otherwise be uncomfortable or taboo. This is not necessarily the case in our relationship. We are admittedly kinky perverts...lol. Often what we see on Real Sex are things that we have done already! We often talk about our fantasies and then see what we can do to make them a reality, if that is possible. Which is why our dwindling sex experiences were becoming such a concern for me.

However, you have made a VERY good point. Even though I may think that we have an open and communicative relationship when it comes to sex, I do think that he is holding back. On one hand, I didn't want to push him too hard in sharing his kinkier fantasies with me, because I do think that people have a right to their own private thoughts, however I also wanted him to know that if he feels that expressing those thoughts will help in our sexlife, then I'd LOVE to hear about it. And when we talked last night about how he tends to hold back some of his fantasies he admitted that it was because he feels somewhat embarrassed about the kinkiness of them. I did let him know that I would keep an open mind and do what I can to make him feel comfortable when he's talking about it. This seems to be helping, at least last night it did, now we just need to keep it up, so to speak. Thanks!

 

Justagirlie...Again a very valid point. I may have overlooked some of the simpler methods of inticement. He really has never turned down a good morning bj. Maybe a little give and take. If i start initiating more sessions just for him, maybe he will start initiating sessions with me...Thanks.

 

Just a side note, last night was a good night. We played, we talked, and generally came up with a plan to keep working on it...thanks again for the thoughts

[sugarplum]

How is his health? I mean lots of medical problems can contribute to a lack of interest - including depression - and symptoms might not be so obvious.

 

btw - what's a sex life?