Willing to forgive BF but maybe not H

[Doody&Boo]

First post so please bare with me but I need honest feedback.

 

Been married 12 years, no kids. H travels every other week for his job. He enjoys spending time on his computer or working on either his Mustang or Volvo. I, on the other hand enjoy interacting with others especially my BF. As of Oct 2005 after 16 years of marriage (and not so pleasant of one) she has decided on a divorce. Since that moment her, I and my H have spent a lot of time together. I made sure everything I planned included her because of her current situation, although she is not sad for her decision she is sad for the pain it is causing her 16 & 10 year olds (BTY, both seem to be doing OK with things now). To make a very long story short - my husband began to make advances toward her by calling her cell & work(said in the beginning it was just to check on her and how things were going) and sending her emails. I began to feel funny about things so I did what I should not of done - snooped. I went into her personal email (remember we are BFF's and I know everything about her) and found where he had sent her emails saying she was the most beautiful woman he's ever known, he loves her, can't wait to be together just them and even "pointers" on what to say to me to get me to leave him. When I brought this to his attention he was furious - furious for me going into her personal email (I know it was wrong). Said I had not right, I needed to stay out of his business - the whole nine yards, all turned around on me. We separated for 2 months (Feb & Mar 2006) and I begged him to come home - he slowly did and said he had no feelings for her and it was an "internet" thing mostly because conversation between the 2 when they talked was ackward (however they talked a LOT - snooped and saw cell & home bills as well). Anyway, I decided to forgive both and try to get back to the "norm" - her and I began to hang out and spend time together again (remember this is my BF and has been for many, many years) not so much my H, every once in a while but not often. He felt extremely bad for the damage he did to her and I and wanted nothing more than her and I to repair things. On June 5th I did it again, went into her email and saw where he had sent her a song and said "listen to every word baby" - I lost it. Him and I had it out and then I called her and gave her all kinds of poop. He left for the evening and said we were getting a divorce because I am always in his business and he was done with it. He came home the next day and said he was no longer contacting her ever again - I believe this because the next day she forwarded me an email he sent her the previous night and said he could no longer do what he was doing and he was going home. Her purpose of sending the email was for me to put my mind at ease about things. I am mostly angry with her because she failed to tell me he was doing these things back in the end of 2005 and when her and I decided to get back our relationship the only thing I asked was to please let me know when/if there is ever any contact again - she failed to. Extremely agnry with hiim because he is my H and broke our vow we took 12 years ago. I am finding it easier to forgive her than i am to forgive him and I think it's because he is my spouse and that kind of betrayal is very painful - yes,she was wrong for not telling me but from what I am being told she initiated nothing and never responded to his advances. I really don't know where I am with him right now, I am not sure I have the feelings needed to stay with him after this. Please, any advice will be greatly received.

[scrybe74]

She probably never said anything because she didn't want your marriage to end and didn't want you to go through the same pain she is going through. That being said: She is still at fault for not telling you. That was just plain wrong...and she did it twice. She's no best friend for you. You're Husband is a cheater and a liar. I suggest marriage counseling to figure things out between you two.

[Doody&Boo]

Thanks scrybe74 for the insight. Yes, she is wrong and she knows it and has apologized however Hubby has yet to. We did go to counseling - 3 times in March/April and got nothing out of it. I have asked him to lets go to different counselor and he refuses, says if our marriage hinges on that we need to draw up papers. He is a very selfish and self-centered person (knew this to some degree when I married him) and can be extremely cruel to me when we argue (just as I can to him) and is a very defensive person. I guess I'm very angry with him for taking MY BF away from me. Anyway, thanks for your comments and suggestions.

[whichwayisup]

Both of them betrayed you, big time. She was your bestfriend. You trusted her...She took advantage of the fact that you were generous enough to include her into your life, involve her into your family... It was so wrong of her to gain attention that she obviously desparately needed from your husband. And he's a real JERK for flirting with her. Though I'm sure when they first started emailing, there was NO intent for that to happen...It just happened and they continued to let it happen...Even after they got caught. She seemed sorry but still, how can you trust her again? Bestfriends are NOT SUPPOSED TO LUST after another bestfriends husband. Or let the HUSBAND lust after her. That's just a no-no! It took her BEING CAUGHT to come clean with you and forward you that last email he sent her...Though, I honestly wouldn't trust her much because what if that's a ploy to break you two up so she can have him for herself. Makes you think, huh???

 

Your husband has alot of making up to do to gain your trust back. That is IF you want to work on things together. Go back to marriage counselling and see if the damage can be fixed. Learn how to communicate with eachother. Learn how to argue without it getting nasty or cruel. Listen and understand, not get defensive and go into attack mode. Both of you could do some changing for the better on how to handle problems. Don't let him give up so fast! 3 sessions is nothing! He's just scared to put into action the changes that HAS to happen if your marriage is going to survive.

 

I ask you this. Here's a big WHAT IF...

 

What if you two get divorced. Could you still have your bestfriend in your life? Would trust BE an issue then as it is now?