Dating a 21-year-old Virgin

[Summer]

I am a 20-year-old college student. I have gone on 2 dates with a very attractive, smart and sweet guy. I am very much infatuated with Gary and I think that he likes me very much also. Gary is almost perfect... except for one tiny thing.

 

I don't want to sound like a bad person, so I should explain myself first: I enjoy sex. I am not a slut or anything, but I have a lot of fun having sex.

 

Gary is a Mormon, and although he swears, drinks caffiene and drinks alcohol occasionally, he has never "fornicated" (that's the word he used). I find this quality in him both strange and endearing.

 

In this day and age, it is hard to find a 21-year-old male virgin. But I do respect his beliefs and think that it takes a strong person to resist a strong human emotion such as passion and horniness (I use that word for lack of a better one, sorry).

 

I like Gary alot (before our dates, we had a month-long session of flirting) but I also like sex. Should I leave this possible relationship to hinder any hurt if I decide to leave him later on (because we lack what most couples our age would have)? Or should I "go with the flow" and see where this relationship takes me? I know that there is happiness without sex, I was a virgin until only 2 years ago.

 

Do you think my judgements are wrong and mean?

[Ed]

Your judgements are neither wrong nor mean. You see things the way you see them, from your perspective. You base your judgements on your previous experience.

 

This guy may want to remain a virgin until he is married. It would be a good idea to ask him about this real soon. You can't go much further until you know how he feels about premarital sex.

 

You seem to like him a lot and I think you find him to be a bit of a challenge. In that respect, he is playing his cards right, whether he knows it or not. He is somewhat of a mystery and you are perplexed. You are exactly in the position that a lot of people would advise him to have you in, if he wants you.

 

The big question here is...is he positioning himself, and you, for a rendezvous or is he naively going about his business of chastity? You need to know the answer to that question. One step toward finding out is to ask him about his stance on premarital sex.

 

If he is wants to remain a virgin until marriage, you have a big decision to make. A very clear headed choice. Don't try to play with him and bed him down because you see him as a challenge. Respect his choice, then decide if it is something you can live with. At the same time, don't fool yourself, through guilt (or whatever), that you SHOULD be that way too.

 

If he does decide he wants to have premarital sex with you, you need to talk about it first and be very clear of his and your intentions. Be sure he understands that sex does not bind love and love does not conquer all.

 

There are no guarantees in life. "Holding out" until wedding day can be good for the right two people. But, holding out, with the thought that it will bring with it some kind of guarantees, in my opinion, is utterly and totally naive.

[Tony T]

No matter when you lost your virginity, sex is now very important to you and a desire for you which must be fulfilled. While you may admire this guy for his position on the matter, you do not share his philosophy and if you stay with him you will do without something you find very pleasurable. Eventually you will even grow to resent him if you stay.

 

Let him down easy but get out of this now while you can and find a man who is not prone to holding back sexually.

[Dave]

Summer,

 

Do not leave this guy yet. Ask him if he does not mind going down on you. That would not take his virginity away, and, I know, some girls prefer oral sex more than intercourse. Sit down with him and have a talk.

 

I am a 20-year-old college student. I have gone on 2 dates with a very attractive, smart and sweet guy. I am very much infatuated with Gary and I think that he likes me very much also. Gary is almost perfect... except for one tiny thing. I don't want to sound like a bad person, so I should explain myself first: I enjoy sex. I am not a slut or anything, but I have a lot of fun having sex. Gary is a Mormon, and although he swears, drinks caffiene and drinks alcohol occasionally, he has never "fornicated" (that's the word he used). I find this quality in him both strange and endearing. In this day and age, it is hard to find a 21-year-old male virgin. But I do respect his beliefs and think that it takes a strong person to resist a strong human emotion such as passion and horniness (I use that word for lack of a better one, sorry). I like Gary alot (before our dates, we had a month-long session of flirting) but I also like sex. Should I leave this possible relationship to hinder any hurt if I decide to leave him later on (because we lack what most couples our age would have)? Or should I "go with the flow" and see where this relationship takes me? I know that there is happiness without sex, I was a virgin until only 2 years ago. Do you think my judgements are wrong and mean?

[Summer]

Thank you for all your help. I just don't know how I would bring up a subject like premarital sex to him. Any suggestions?

[anon]

Summer,

 

You need to get an understanding of what it means for a mormon guy to be a virgin.

 

If he is a believer he will remain one until he has a temple marriage. And he will only have sex with his virgin bride.

 

If you think you can have sex with him before he marries, then you do not understand how he will feel defiled and how he will never respect you.

 

believe me, I do not share mormon philosophy but i married a jack mormon girl with lots of hangups so i went and researched - after the fact.

[Summer]

I do not believe that I will have sex with him. I respect his wishes. If he will marry a virgin bride, then he probably will not marry me since I am not a virgin. In that respect, the relationship that we have now is probably not very serious to him and I am okay with that. I think that it is healthy to date alot while you are young and to settle when you're older and more mature. Thanks for the advice!