His friends hate me

[precious99]

I have been dating this guy for about six months now and we are great together!! I am older than he is - I am 30 and he is 25 - and in the beggining this was an issue for me - however I have gotten over it. Because of this issue I put off meeting his friends, until about a month ago when I decided to bite the bullet and meet two of his friends - an engaged couple. The evening was a distaster!! I should probably tell you that he was previously involved with the girl in this equation - and when i say previously involved i mean they slept together a couple of times a few years ago. (Her fiance is his best friend and is completely unaware) Well I was nervous about the evening and while it started out ok it quickly spiralled downwards. The other guy was very nice and really tried to make me feel comfortable - but the girl was another story. She invited another couple over that evening and she and the other girl spent all night playing cards and talking - ignoring me outright!! I came to the conclusion that she has feelings for my bf (obvious right?) and that the only reason she is with her guy is because he makes a lot of money - i mean it was the first time i met them and she was demeaning him and calling him names right in front of me. The evening was a horrible blow to my self esteem - which i have always had problems with anyways. So besides all of that my problem is this - on saturday - two days from now - i am attending a wedding with my bf at which she will also be in attendance. I went out and bought a new, hot dress which makes me feel great but in the back of my mind im freaking out. I mean not only will she be there but i have to spend the reception seated at a table with her and her man. I haven't met any more of his friends (I have been too afraid to) but they are all a very tight knit group of which she is the ringleader. I want to go but Im honestly thinking about bailing. Any advice? Please help!

[RecordProducer]

The evening was a horrible blow to my self esteem - which i have always had problems with anyways.

Key words! You should be able to take some crap from people here and there and not take it too seriously.

 

She's a scum-bag. Anyone acting like her is. Don't even think about her and enjoy yourself at the wedding.

 

Promise yourself that no one will ever make you feel bad about yourself and who you are, about how you act and the choices you make. If someone has friendly criticism to offer - use it for self-improvement. However if someone just wants to make you feel like s***, ignore them and don't think about them.

 

You may not let anyone touch you on the inside. If someone so insignificant can ruin your day then it's you who let them.

[SadGreenEyes]

He's with you now. End of story. You're his girlfriend, not her.

Women in general can be real nasty bitches and would obviously go out of their way to dis you, make you feel uncomfortable. Be bigger than them.

Sounds as if this ex of his might be marrying her current bf for his money...Sucks for him...it wont last anyway, not by the way she speaks to him and disrespects him.

You go to that wedding on Saturday...and you wear that dress, put your make up on impecibly. Wear a smile and wrap your arm around your bf!

Screw them if they dont like you, how cares? You dont have to see them.

I understand your wanting to meet his friends and try to connect, sometimes it just doesnt happen. Im in the same situation. Some of my bf's friends cant stand me and I never met them nor spoke to them, nice huh?

Stand proud by your bf! Have a great time. Have a few drinks and dance the night away. After Saturday, who knows when you'll see them again, and who cares! Dont lose any sleep over it, or try not to!

Good Luck, and dont forget, dont be a push over! If they say something negative to you, say something negative back. If they look you up and down, look them up and down. Beat them at their own game!

[precious99]

Thank you for the encouragement - I hope that everything works out well for me on saturday. My plan is to go to the wedding and have a great time on the arm of my very hot man. But... ...at the risk of sounding whiny and totally pathetic...what if no one there talks to me? What do i do, say....anything. It could be a very uncomfortable evening and i'm not sure how to approach it. Thanks again for your help and insight.

[RecordProducer]

what if no one there talks to me?

You'll live. I've been in situations where people have ignored me numerous times. As a matter of fact, my husband's twin brother who lives next door ignores me. His dad's wife also. I pretend I don't notice the crap and kill them with kindness.

 

Worry about the impression you're leaving on your BF, not his friends. He may seem like he tolerates their s***ty behavior toward you, but you don't really know how he feels inside. Try to put yourself in his position. You would appreciate it if he didn't complain to you about your friends, right? If you complain, you're accusing him of not standing up for you and he will end up claiming that he didn't see anything wrong in their behavior.

 

Don't be too kind to them though. If they ignore you, ignore them back. Let him see that THEY ignore you.

 

Moreover if he tells you that they were mean to you, tell him: "Hey, not everyone has to like me! They were not mean, They have a right to not talk to me. :)"

 

Capish?

 

He will be there so why would you worry about how you're going to spend the evening?

 

I have a feeling that you're hot and these women are just plain jealous of you having him.

[SadGreenEyes]

Be like them - ignorant.

Ignorance is bliss.

Screw 'em! You do what you said, dress to the nines, arm around your boyfriend, head held high, wearing a big grin.

Misery loves company! Dont lower yourself to their levels.

Your boyfriend will talk to you and pay you attention, that's all you need.

If you really get uncomfortable, ask him if it would be okay to leave the reception a little bit earlier, what's the big deal? Trust me, being married before, the bride and groom wont even notice....not in a bad way, but they'll be entirelly too preoccupied.

Make an appearance, and dont forget, you dont have to be glued to your chair, no one is at weddings!

Party on Sister!!!

[SadGreenEyes]

How was the wedding????

Details!!!!!!

[precious99]

Well I made it through yesterday alive and I have to thank everyone here for their great advice and words of encouragement. I mean it wasn't perfect but I think I made the kind of impression on my bf's friends that I can be proud of. I was nervous and worried (and while I felt insecure I kept that to myself) but I got myself all dolled up, even splurging on a trip to the hair stylist. I felt like a princess and my bf was VERY appreciate !! So anyways on to the details...I hope the story's not too long...we got to the church and immediately I met three of his friends (one was the guy from before with the bi***y gf and the other two were my bf's cousin and his wife) The bi***y gf could not make it to the church but did come to the recepion later. There was a really cute moment when my bf got all flustered when both of the guys were apparently checking out my assets...if you know what I mean. The wedding went off without a hitch with my bf being wonderful, attentive and by my side the entire time. Before leaving the church I ended up in the washroom with my bf's cousin's wife. (who incidentally had also been black balled and bad mouthed within the group because she too was an "outsider") So I went out of my way and chatted her up for a while and you know what she is very nice!! They are really missing out on a great person because they are too shallow and self absorbed!! Then it was on to the recepion...which was where I was most proud of myself. The bi**h was there for this and I decided right away that my approach would be the "kill her with kindness" approach. I pretended to be interested in what she had to say, asked questions and listened attentively. There were some moments though when I would have liked nothing better than to have gouged her eyeballs out. Like when she tried to corner my bf, when she made eyes at him and...best yet...WHEN SHE ACTUALLY SHOWED UP AT HIS HOUSE AFTERWARDS WITHOUT HER BF (saying that she thought he had taken her lighter - which he did not have) I did meet some of his other friends who were kind and sweet to me. I have to tell you that he was the sweetest guy all night - always making sure that I was ok, never leaving my side, holding my hand...we actually have another wedding to go to in two weeks and while I'm not looking forward to it I'm feeling a lot more comfortable in my own skin . I do have one question though...how do I get rid of her...how can I be classy and still get my point accross...for my own sanity I need to know that she isn't just showing up at his house unannounced and uninvited - especially when I am not there....(hope its all coherant and understandable)

[Computer]

Hi Precious,

 

Honestly, there's no RIGHT way to rid of her YOURSELF. Obviously, she wants him; would be happy to have him. You being kind and generous, or even a bytch wouldn't solve a thing. That would be your BF's job - period. And he probably wont just tell her to get the hell off his porch b/c it's his best friends girl [if I remember correctly]. It would be best for your BF to understand the situation between the two of you girls. Only he can decide whether he want her around him. I don't consider him to be uhmm... dense, so he should realize that she wants him and put two-and-two together and understand that her presence could only do harm to your relationship. But again, there aren't many options to choose from here. If that doesn't work to your advantage, you'll just have to trust him... Trust that he love you enough so that you don't have to worry about being replaced.

 

__________________

There are 3 types of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't -- Anonymous

[email protected]

[SadGreenEyes]

Good for you Precious! Way to beat them at their own game!! I am really glad you had a good time and more glad that your boyfriend stood proudly by your side. That is a real gentleman!

Killing them with kindness really puts some bitches women's underwear in a bunch! They want nothing more than to intimidate you, glad you didnt fall for it or bow to that no good wench! I have to hand it to you - I would have left, honest. Im not easily intimidated but would rather just remove myself from the situation as opposed to letting my mnid go into overdrive.

I think it was a bull crap excuse for her to show up at your boyfriends house looking for a lighter. Hellooo? Dont you have a buck ninety nine and a near by 7-11? Lame excuse! Her boyfriend must be clueless or desperate!

How to get rid of her? I wish I knew, if you find out, let me know, I have a few women I would love to "off" from my boyfriends life as well.

All I can tell you is this, and it's hard, because I know first hand how you feel....remember what I said, it wont be easy to sit back..

It's up to your boyfriend to tell her to back off and that he does not want to be bothered. Bottom line.

His loyalty should be with YOU! If he knows her presence bothers you and her unexpected visits, etc, it's only HIS position to say something about it.

If that doesnt work, .......I dont know, Im different and try not to take any crap from anyone. I would go so far as to fill her new boyfriend in.

Screw em!

My boyfriend has an ex fiancee from over 20 yrs ago. They grew up together and she is the love of nhis life, and vice versa. Do I like knowing this? Absolutely NOT!

Last fall her husband of 15 years and father of their 3 children called my boyfriend and in not so many words asked my boyfriend not to contact his wife anymore. My boyfriend didnt.

Now, last weekend or so our home phone rang and the person hung up. I found out who it was...yup, it came from their house!

I told my boyfriend, Look, Obviously she is not respecting her husbands wishes nor respects the fact we are together. I told him, I will not hesitate to call her husband and tell him, thats it, end of story.

Concentrate on your own damn relationship, move on! Leave the past in the past!

This is the only way!

 

Good Luck and keep us posted!!

[precious99]

Well I talked to my bf about "her" and he's totally oblivious - he says that im just reading too much into it - that she has no hidden motives or feelings of any kind for him. Guys can be SO dense!! (sorry guys) He does have a point in a way i am an overly analytical being i over analyze things to the point that they no longer make sense to anyone - including me!! But in this scenerio i know im right - she is a vulture who is after my man. Anyways even though he doesnt agree with me he has said (and without any prompting i might add) that he will stay away from her. And i do trust him - absolutely - but its the female mind again - running rampant with fear. So....still if anyone has any legal ways to "off" her from my bf's life let me know!! Oblivious, ignorant men sometimes make easy prey.

[SadGreenEyes]

Ok, first of all, he is not oblivious. Take it from someone in your position.

It's an ego trip for him. He loves the attention, just like my boyfriend does.

I called my boyfriend on it - I said, Must be awesome for your ego...having 2 women vie for your love and attention!

Your boyfriend knows what she is up to, how she feels about him. He loves that your jealous, and of course is going to tell you "you're thinking too much about it". My boyfriend said the same crap! I bitched high and low to him - "Gimme a break guy! You freaking love the attention - your head is freaking HUGE from this!" Must be nice to be fought over!

You may be over thinking it, but obviously it bothers you. He should take that into consideration.

Forget about him "ignoring" her or avoiding her - thats fine and dandy, but he needs to tell her, out of respect for YOU and your feelings, back off!

Next time she pulls some stupid stunt, dropping by, phone call, etc, he has got to tell her right then and there, otherwise, guess what - she'll keep doing it, trust me.

My, as I affectionately called the bitch "Thorn in my side", stuck around for a year and a half! My boyfriend told me, She'll get the hint and disappear! I said, bulls***! She will not unless you tell her. He never did.

I still resent him for that. Resentment is not good, trust me.

She would call him throughout our relationship, telling him they should run away together and have a baby, invite him to her friends and families parties, etc. I was so pissed! She had absolutely NO REGARD nor respect for me or the fact he was involved with someone else.

Unlike your situation, luckily they were never an item, they never dated and never had sex.

She was always in love with him, did what ever she could to try to win him over...he was never interested, thank goodness. Didnt stop her though.

She finally backed off when she gave him an ultimatum - He told her that I was probably going to move in with him - She said - If that bitch moves in with you, I'll never speak to you again. He said - Okay.

Guess what? I moved in - and POOF, she disappeared!

Deep down I know she will resurface, but enough that enough time has passed that he realizes that problems she caused and the way she made me feel. He realized that she was never a true friend like she claimed all of those years. Had she been, she would have respected his decisions, his relationship and the fact that he is old enough to make decisions for himself.

He told me that when he was engaged the second time...dont ask... that he told her and she said that if invited her to the wedding she would object.

Sorry to ramble, but this hits close to home with me. I know where you're at and know exactly how you feel. I had to start taking antidepressants because of her - I called them My anti-Lisa pills.

Bottom line is this - you are not over reacting - she is no good - and I would never trust her. HE HAS TO TELL HER OUT OF RESPECT FOR YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP!!!! If he doesnt, see above, you will resent him and believe me, this is perfect breeding ground for many many future hurtful arguments!

Please protect your heart and please stress to him this is serious!

I like reversing the tables - ask him what if it was you who had an ex who pulled this s***? Would he like it?

He'll tell you the same thing my boyfriend did, No...but what am I supposed to do? Open your mouth you dumb ass!!!!!

You're right, men can be so f***ing stupid when it comes to this stuff!!

Dont trust any woman!

SGE

[SadGreenEyes]

Sorry - I got really ticked because I was where you're at and I still have a bad taste in my mouth -

Legal ways to avoid this?

In my particular situation - I did research and found that if she shoud resurface and call him and harass him and I catch wind of it - I can get her on harassment charges with the law - and I will not hesitate!

My boyfriend may not consider what she is doing as harassment, but I do and thats all that counts. If I deem her a threat to my relationship, yes, I can get a restraint order against her to ceace any and all calls to his cell - she wont call the house because Im her "nemesis" and the woman who stole her "man".

The woman is dilussional, and from what he tells me, she's a psychotic nasty bitch who would probably go out of her way to f*** me over in any way she can.

Must protect myself and my heart...my heart is my boyfriend!

[SadGreenEyes]

To give you a "clue" as to my situation - please read my post in this room titled POISON.

It's my story about her - Im sure you can relate.

If you cant find it - click on my user name and click on read other posts by SadGreenEyes

[precious99]

Thank you Sad Green Eyes for all your words of advice and encouragement. I am going to talk to him about it soon. I guess I'm just worried that I will come off as insecure and jealous. And to be quite honest I am a little of both I have never experienced these feelings of inadequacy in a relationship before. (I'd like to think that while I'm not perfect I would be considered a "catch") I really don't know how to deal with them - I try to ignore them but that just seems to make it worse. And the thought of sitting him down and telling him that I am jealous just makes me feel weak. I know that this whole situation is really putting a strain on our relationship. I am constantly secong guessing myself, never feeling good enough and always wondering what he's thinking. I feel like I'm a little "crazy". There are a ton of functions (weddings, stag and does etc.) to attend this summer at which she will be in attendance - I don't know how I will make it through them.

[SadGreenEyes]

I am glad I can offer some words of wisdom and advice, it's my pleasure, being we kinda share the same boat

It's not the smoothest sailing, I know you know this. Our minds can get the best of us and I dont know about you, but I can be my own worst enemy, over thinking, jealously, suspiscious, you name it!

Look, dont be afraid to talk to your boyfriend about this, and dont worry about coming across as being jealous or insecure...we're all guilty of it from time to time.

You are who you are, period! Im certain you are a "catch", dont think of yourself as anything less!

My suggestion is this - dont hang with them if they make you feel this way. Remove yourself from that environment. You'll end up getting an ulcer!

You are NOT WEAK for being protective of your boyfriend and by not wanting other "outside influences" to distract him or make you feel uncomfortable!

Trust your gut feelings and follow your heart!

These other functions you have coming up this summer.....do you have to go to all of them? Is your boyfriend "obligated" to attend these functions?

Listen, keep in mind the awesome way he stood by your side at this last wedding..chances are he'll do the same thing!

Talk to him. It's your right to do so and to tell him how you honestly feel about these "friends" of his.

You might be surprised at his response. If he loves you, why would he want to subject you to anything that would make you feel uncomfortable?

Dont you wish you could be like Jeannie and "blink" these a**h***s away? I know I wish I could from time to time, but reality is, we cant. I know it's hard...please try to stay strong.

Hopefully he will understand. It's a chance you have to take for your own sanity. Remember - he's with YOU! You're the one he chose!

Keep me posted and Luck always!!

SGE

[precious99]

Well Sad Green Eyes I am going to sit him down and talk to him this week end when I see him. I don't know what I'm going to say yet but I'm going to be open and honest (insecurities and all) about my feelings. I'm really nervous and kind of worried about his reaction (what if he thinks that I'm some sort of crazed, jealous bitch?) I have been playing and re-playing the conversation in my head (over analyzing again I know!) But if I want things to get better - if I want to live in some sort of peace and normalacy - I have to lay it all out there right? Wish me luck and if you have any ideas let me know....

[SadGreenEyes]

Hey Precious,

I know how you're feeling - the nervousness, the anticipation, the dread...playing the conversation over and over with different scenarios and the possible outcomes, his reaction..being afraid of what he might tell you...will it cause a major fight?

I would'nt just sit him down and say, "look, this is what I think of your ex girlfriend,...", I would ease into it.

I would probably start by just talking and then maybe bringing up the wedding you guys just went to...the bride looked beautiful, didnt she? The food was really good, did you see how so and so was drunk? etc... then you bring her up - what's up with her anyway? I think she still has feelings for you, but not nasty..kinda nice and timid like - take it from there.

The discussion should pretty much go in the right direction of addressing your concerns from there on out.

If he should say, I dont want to talk about this - then ask him please, you would really just like to get this off your chest and ease your mind, thats all.

Good Luck and Im sure you'll be fine.

Keep me posted

SGE

[precious99]

This is kind of unrelated but I thought I'd let you know anyways....my bf kind of got a taste tonight of what I have been feeling I think. We haven't talked about it yet - I think I will give him a day or two to do some thinking and perhaps empathizing. So here goes....tonight was his graduation. We both attended the same school but I didn't graduate this year. Anyways I attended with his parents and all went well until after the ceremony. There is this guy from our school that has been hitting on me for months, no matter what I do or say (I have told him to get lost, I'm not interested, changed my cell phone number....anything to get rid of him) Well the last month or so was quiet - I hadn't heard a peep from him - until tonight. Just as we were getting ready to leave after taking pictures and everything who do I run into? And when I say run into I mean he is standing between me and the exit door. So what do I do? What I'd like to do is scream and run in the other direction, or kick him or something. But my bf's family is walking right beside me. So he walks up to me and starts talking to me - well I dont stop walking but I greet him and offer his new gf my congrats (she graduated too) Well after this my bf's whole persona changes. We say goodbye to his family and on the way back to my place he won't say anything despite my many questions as to what is wrong. Well we get to my apt and he finally blurts out - "did you have to be so nice to him and right in front of me?" Well it took me by surprise at first cause I didn't think I was nice just cordial and his family (who I haven't been around a whole lot) was right there. So he went home and we left on ok terms. I did apologize because if the situation had been reversed I would have been upset too...but maybe now he can understand why and how I can feel threatened by the b**ch right!?! Any comments or feedback?

[SadGreenEyes]

Although I feel bad that you guys had a "tiff" so to speak....I am happy that he got a taste of his own medicine!

Dont get me wrong, it sucks when someone's feelings get hurt, but you have been feeling this was about his ex girlfriend and she did a whole hell of a lot more than just say hello to him. At least the guy who has a crush on you didnt follow you back to your apartment!

Good for you Precious! Now, over the weekend you both can compare notes...Im sure the conversation will go a little smoother now because he now got a taste of how you feel from his own little experience!

Didnt feel good, huh?

Hmmmmmmm

Good Luck