I'm scum, i cheated

[Lowdown dirty guy]

I know you guys already hate me just from reading the title. Trust me, i've beat myself up about it enough and i feel terrible. I'm a good guy (or at least i was until now)

 

My g/f and i have been strong for going on 5 yrs. She's 26 and i'm 29. I love her very much. For the past 2 summers, she'd go out of state on business for months at a time. Each time, i would fall into depression and agony w/her being gone and miss her terribly. We would talk every night though, so that kept everything on track. I would miss her so bad, i'd wack off to her everynight before i go to bed. I still do to this day!

 

This summer, she didn't get accepted. While i felt bad for her that she didn't get accepted, i was still happy that we would be together for the summer and thought she would too. She was crying that she didn't get accepted and i was wondering, "what's the big deal?"

 

So she tells me she was going away to visit her mom and dad for a couple of weeks. She hadn't spent a whole lot of time w/them for a while. They live all the way in new york and we live in DC. So i drive her to the airport and then a week before she's supposed to come back, she said that she was going to work by phone for a few months was going to stay out there for the entire summer. I told her i missed her terribly and she acted like it didn't even bother her. Some nights, she wouldn't even call and we've never gone a day w/out talking to eachother. I would call her and most of the time, i couldn't get through. Then one night, she called me and said she was going out clubbing w/ a couple of old time friends. I was sitting at home doing nothing. She told me she'd call me back right b4 she went to the club and never heard from her the rest of the night.

 

So I wasn't too sure about if she didn't want to be w/ me anymore so i decide to go out to the club w/ a couple of my homeboys. My ego and pride told me to stand up and be a man and quit acting like a whus. I had to get her off my mind so I started drinking. I wasn't expecting to meet any other girls but when i got there but women just flocked in my direction, and that rarely happens to me. I saw the finest woman there i had ever seen in my life and i approached her. I spoke and bought her a drink. We ended the night but the next night, i had ended up having sex w/ her.

 

My g/f called the next day telling me how she missed me and how wonderful i was. I couldnt bear to talk to her after what i had done. I felt so terrible and ashamed of myself. I don't want to tell her because i know it would just crush her. Even if i did tell her, it would be for my own selfish reasons of guilt which wouldn't solve a thing. I know i've now officially joined the DOGPOUND but i still love her and want to be w/ her. I prayed on my knees and asked god for forgiveness. I was trying to be a temporary playa, something i can't be because i don't like screwing over people. It made me feel good while i was doing and and slightly after but now i have this hard guilt that i can't get rid of. Anybody ever been there?

[Tony T]

You're not scum, you just made a mistake. Under the circumstances I can certainly understand. I know you love your lady but she doesn't seem to respond to you with a lot of love and empathy....or she's certainly not consistent.

 

If you really want to stay with her, just keep this incident to yourself for the rest of your life. If you tell her, it will be all over, even if she's screwing around on you. That's just how it works.

 

I think your relationship has a lot of work needed but I don't have enough of the dynamics here to help you much. Meanwhile, forgive yourself and know that you have to forgive others who do this to you...that's just the way it works.

 

This is a lesson and I think you've learned it. Now, what you really need to do is pay attention to your current relationship and ask yourself if you're getting what you want from it. Obviously, if you were you wouldn't have gone out to a club. A man's woman is supposed to make him feel very special, no matter where she is or he is. A man who is happy in a relationship will not do what you did.

 

Now get on with it. Don't wander anymore unless you become a free man.

[RecordProducer]

Sorry, but I disagree with you that you're a scum!

 

I would describe your relationship as one that slowly, but surely got into the non-exclusive zone. She indeed sounded like she didn't care about spending time with you. If she were in love with you, she couldn't leave you for the whole summer. I mean NY is only a few hundred miles from DC, it's not like she was on the other part of the planet.

 

If MY BF acted like that with me, I would probably ditch him. You became strangers to each other and your mistake was a ntural result from the physical and emotional distance.

 

Moreover, her behavior is kinda suspicious to me. All of a sudden, she decides to stay there for the whole summer and then says you're so wondetful? Is it possible that she tried something with someone else then got disappointed in him and you seemed so wonderful again?

[Pink Amulet]

Should he tell her?

[BrandonBP]

Should he tell her?

No way. What would it accomplish?

 

I think it's horrible that you slept with someone else, but she's gone all the time, right? Then she goes clubbing and doesn't check in with you out of mere courtesy. I'm not excusing your actions, and I don't think you are excusing yourself either, but damn, if she is exclusive with you then she needs to be with you or at least check the hell in with you to let you know she's thinking about you!

 

That said, what will it accomplish to tell her that you had a one night stand with some skank? Nothing.

 

Keep it to yourself. FOREVER!

[Pink Amulet]

Urgghh. Is this really the mentality a lot of people have in regards to infidelity?!?!?!?!

[BrandonBP]

Urgghh. Is this really the mentality a lot of people have in regards to infidelity?!?!?!?!

What would it solve to tell her? How do we know that she's been faithful? I mean she stayed out all night without calling and then she acts like she suddenly loves him so much and can't live without him? Sounds like she's maybe on a guilt trip after a night of hot sex.

[Pink Amulet]

I don't really think that is the point. I relationship is based on certain grounds, the grounds for most people is "if you sleep with someone else- I don't want to be with you" NOT "if you tell me you sleep with someone else- I don't want to be with you". IMO the relationship is from there on in based on false pretence.

 

I believe I relationship should have grounds to survive so long as the cheater comes clean, states why they did it, and the couple moves to an agreement on how it could be avoided in the future. I don't believe a relationship should survive if there is unrecognised infedility.

 

I know humans have secrets, there is very few circumstances where a couple can know EVERYTHING about their partner, and this to me is fine. However, if the admission of this secret (whatever it may be) is known to the secret holder as reasons for a possible end to the relationship by their partner- the relationship is based on a fallacy.

[Pink Amulet]

Some may see it as a selfish act to absolve oneself, I on the other had do not believe ignorance is bliss. This is the reason I decided to move in to journalism. I believe to make decisions, they must be based on the truth- not what we know to be the truth. This is just my opinion.

[grateful]

Urgghh. Is this really the mentality a lot of people have in regards to infidelity?!?!?!?!

No, not here at LS. Usually it's about full disclosure. I'm surprised actually to read so many people saying don't tell - usually it's just the opposite.

 

I wrestle with my decision not to tell my SO. And all that I did was kiss another man. I've decided not to tell him and to work hard to be the partner he deserves. It's been very hard working to fix what was broken in me that made me do it, without him knowing. But I felt like I owed him at least that much and because it was a kiss, that's how I came to that decision. If however I had slept with the other man I would have come clean - you are now messing with someone's life, with the threat of STD's, and in any exclusive relationship you need to alert the partner to that potential risk.

[Pink Amulet]

I could not agree more!

[catgirl1927]

I think he should just end it with her. He obviously doesn't really love her or he wouldn't have done that. I think the reason his love has faded is because she leaves for 3 months at a time and doesn't make any effort to stay where he is. There is nothing wrong with wanting your SO to be around. He really should have ended it before he cheated. It was an accident or a "mistake," it can't remotely be classified as such because he made plans to see someone the following night, he planned it carefully. I think he wants out of the relationship without being a jerk, but it's really too late for that.

[catgirl1927]

No way. What would it accomplish?

 

I think it's horrible that you slept with someone else, but she's gone all the time, right? Then she goes clubbing and doesn't check in with you out of mere courtesy. I'm not excusing your actions, and I don't think you are excusing yourself either, but damn, if she is exclusive with you then she needs to be with you or at least check the hell in with you to let you know she's thinking about you!

 

That said, what will it accomplish to tell her that you had a one night stand with some skank? Nothing.

 

Keep it to yourself. FOREVER!

 

Attitudes like this are why women have such a hard time trusting men. I'm guessing you don't tell either? No matter how many times it happens?

[theantibarbie23]

If she were in love with you, she couldn't leave you for the whole summer.

 

That's just silly. So I guess everyone in the armed forces doesn't really love thier spouces, or anyone else who's job requires extensive travel... You don't have to be up someone's butt 24/7 to be in love.

[Pink Amulet]

*looks at the LDR forum* They might have something to say about that RP! hehe

 

Catgirl: I agree. I am glad someone else was as shocked by that response as me.

[Guest]

Sorry, but I disagree with you that you're a scum!

If MY BF acted like that with me, I would probably ditch him. You became strangers to each other and your mistake was a ntural result from the physical and emotional distance.

 

if your boyfriend acted like what? Currently, i don't have a car, been w/out a car since my car got totaled in April. I'm in the process of getting another one by the end of august. But what did i act like as to what you dump your b/f for?

 

Moreover, her behavior is kinda suspicious to me. All of a sudden, she decides to stay there for the whole summer and then says you're so wondetful? Is it possible that she tried something with someone else then got disappointed in him and you seemed so wonderful again?

 

you know i was thinking the same thing. She told me a story of 2 guys looking at her and frowning while she was at the club. She had gone out w/ a group of girlfriends. I don't necessarily think she cheated but she could've. She just told me that she really missed her family and wanted to go. In her defense, she had told me she was planning on going out there for 2 wks anyway about 3 -4 months before. But her wanting to stay gone and acting like she didn't care raised suspicion and insecurity w/ me.

 

 

I agree with the people who say not to tell her. I know its low, i know its not honest. But i think that its one of those things that don't need to be said. No good will come out of it even if its the "RIGHT" thing to do.

 

To the people who do think that i should tell her, tell me what would it solve? All its gonna do is cause even more chaos AND CRUSH HER. I know what I did was wrong, despite her behavior. I felt lonely, confused, stupid in love, hurt, upset, and suspicious all at the same time. I think the important thing is if god forgives me.

[SueBee3490]

I relationship is based on certain grounds, the grounds for most people is "if you sleep with someone else- I don't want to be with you" NOT "if you tell me you sleep with someone else- I don't want to be with you". IMO the relationship is from there on in based on false pretence.

 

I agree with this statement Pink! I don't understand why people don't see that. I would want my SO to tell me the "truth" about what he has done - not just what he thinks is "safe" to tell me to keep him out of hot water.

[greystone08]

all u women think the same. i'm not condoning his behavior but you guys are strictly judging him just because he had a one night stand when his girl basically pushed him away. She basically handed him the opportunity on a silver platter by leaving for a long time (when she didn't even have to). She chose to leave him for the summer. she didn't call him as much. that does not mean he doesn't love her, it means he felt unsure. None of you guys mention that.

 

i know a guy who cheated on his girlfriend and he loved the hell out of her. They've now been together for 10 years and have their second child.

 

guys sometimes get caught up in thinking they should be players, live up to their manly ego. I don't agree w/ any of you that he doesnt love her after 5 years of being together and just having a 1 night fling. It sounded like she had him sprung.

 

all in all, as long as god forgives you and you're sincere about it, have the decency to keep it from her. What she doesn't know can't hurt her anyway! Just promise yourself and god that you'll never do it again and if you feel tempted again, break up with her.

[SueBee3490]

all in all, as long as god forgives you and you're sincere about it, have the decency to keep it from her. What she doesn't know can't hurt her anyway!

 

Seem to me since you mention God - one of his 10 commandments is "Thou Shalt Not Lie" You are advising him to lie to his gf - not good.

 

Just promise yourself and god that you'll never do it again and if you feel tempted again, break up with her.

 

But of course this is easier said than done - because if the next time temptation comes up again - he can just think to himself "I got away with not telling her before - I can do it again". He needs to come clean with her. If he loves her, he will tell her.

[amerikajin]

Attitudes like this are why women have such a hard time trusting men. I'm guessing you don't tell either? No matter how many times it happens?

 

Understood.

 

At the same time, I also understand the decision not to tell. Problem is, he's already f_cked up, so even if he does the 'right thing', she's still not going to trust him. She'll simply trust him a lot less than if he had come clean.

 

Honestly, with me, I'd like to think that I could handle the truth, but I can't guarantee that I could. I'd like to think that I wouldn't just quit the relationship in knee-jerk fashion if my lover cheated on me, but I can't say I wouldn't. Trust is difficult to repair once damange...and so is a person's image. I'm guessing that despite this woman's occasional tendency to send mixed signals, appearing a bit self-absored it would seem, she still fancies her man as loyal and basically the kind of man who'd never do such a thing. If he tells her, he in effect shatters that notion. Mind you, he's doing the moral thing, and as Tony said, the guy made a mistake - a big mistake for sure, but under the circumstances (assuming he's telling it to us straight) a mistake that's understandable. Not excusable, but understandable. So I can see why he might not want to reveal the truth. Frankly, from the cheater's perspective, it just doesn't make a lot of sense, regardless of whatever perceived moral obligations he might have.

 

I do say that, without fail, you have a moral obligation to get tested for STD's and to do all you can to limit your partner's exposure to disease. And to be honest, that at the very least includes the use of condoms with your girl; it also could be abstinence altogether for the next three months...and that might be difficult to explain. But I honestly believe that's an obligation you have....think about how you'd feel if you passed on some disease to her.

[RecordProducer]

if your boyfriend acted like what? Currently, i don't have a car, been w/out a car since my car got totaled in April. I'm in the process of getting another one by the end of august. But what did i act like as to what you dump your b/f for?

If my boyfriend acted like YOUR GIRLFRIEND(not you), I would feel like he doesn't love me and thus feel free to do whatever I want.

 

People here have these hard boundaries on cheating, but I see it this way: in a marriage you are expected to be faithful, but not in every relationship. If the relationship is not strong, you have less responsibility. Frankly, if I left my BF for a few months and didn't care about seeing him, I wouldn't be surprised if he slept with someone else. Because if I did that, it would mean that I don't care about him so I don't care whom he sleeps with.

 

My ex-husband and I were separated (he abandoned me and our babies) for a couple months and I slept with someone else. I felt terrible at the time, I felt like a cheater, but from this point of view, I don't think I owed him fidelity at the time when he dumped me for good. The only reason why we got back together was because I insisted, but 6 months later we split for good.

 

You get as much as you invest. if you don't study for 3 months, can you pass an exam? if you don't go to work for 2 months, will you retain the job? How much you pay attention to something or someone DOES count. Please don't underestimate it. I would act the same in your situation.

 

It's different if you have to be away. I was in a long-distance exclusive relationship with my husband for a year before we got married and it didn't occur to me to cheat on him. But I knew he was waiting for me and I was waiting for him, we suffered that we couldn't be together. Had it started going like talking every other day or had he taken a vacation but didn't come to see me, I would've assumed he didn't truly love me and looked for happiness in love further.

 

I think you should re-evaluate your whole relationship. No need to tell her, but I hope you used a condom. It's just unfair to expose your partner to potential STDs behind their back.

[greystone08]

Seem to me since you mention God - one of his 10 commandments is "Thou Shalt Not Lie" You are advising him to lie to his gf - not good.

 

but its really not a lie if he doesn't tell her.

 

i'm sorry i just don't see what could benefit from him telling her. all it would do is hurt his girlfriend tremendously and make himself feel even worse. he's already paying for his crime by his guilt. no sense in digging the wound deeper

[catgirl1927]

The purpose in telling her is to let her know you're a cheater so that she can find someone who won't cheat.

 

Men make a lot of excuses for what they do, I wonder if they would accept the same excuses from us? If you left your GF for three months to work and she slept around, would you understand?

 

Whether he tells or not, he needs to end it and not waste any more of her time. She deserves someone who loves her, not someone who is just using her and lying to her.

[Pink Amulet]

Greystone- It sure as hell is. Withholding that truth is a lie.

[MarnieGirl]

 

She just told me that she really missed her family and wanted to go. In her defense, she had told me she was planning on going out there for 2 wks anyway about 3 -4 months before. But her wanting to stay gone and acting like she didn't care raised suspicion and insecurity w/ me.

 

 

I agree with the people who say not to tell her. I know its low, i know its not honest. But i think that its one of those things that don't need to be said. No good will come out of it even if its the "RIGHT" thing to do.

 

To the people who do think that i should tell her, tell me what would it solve? All its gonna do is cause even more chaos AND CRUSH HER. I know what I did was wrong, despite her behavior. I felt lonely, confused, stupid in love, hurt, upset, and suspicious all at the same time. I think the important thing is if god forgives me.

 

i am engaged and we live apart from my family. i go to visit them frequently, and since i don't see them as often as i would like, sometimes i get the urge to stay longer, and i do. it's not because i don't care, it's because we see each other all the time and are not lacking in quality of quantity of time together.

 

i'm not cheating. i don't even see friends when i'm there, i'm with my family the whole time.

 

i would be pretty pissed if my fiance decided this was a "reason" to go out and get revenge by cheating on me, even if he considered for a minute that i might have done it to him.

 

you jumped the gun and screwed up. i think you used it as an excuse to do what you wanted, actually. you convinced yourself, with no real reason, that your girlfriend deserved what you were doing to her. it wasn't even a drunken one night mistake, you met this other girl the next night to have sex with her! come on. that makes me hope your girlfriend did do something you wouldn't approve of.

 

i am not understanding the logic behind this thinking..."i think she is out there cheating, but i don't know. cheating is a dealbreaker for me. she better not be cheating on me. i better go out and screw someone else because i think she's cheating on me, and that's not what you do in a loving relationship." yeah. huh?

 

no good will come out of tellling her, but no good will come out of not telling her. she at least deserves to know who you really are, how you really think, and the potential you have to not be quite the person she thought you were. if you want to keep this relationship going, you owe her the chance to decide if she wants to stay in a relationship where she was wronged. it's up to her now.