I'm scum, i cheated

[amerikajin]

The purpose in telling her is to let her know you're a cheater so that she can find someone who won't cheat.

 

It conflicts with self-interest. I know that's not the answer you want to hear, but it's the reality.

 

The truth is, anyone can cheat on anyone. Most of us have it in us to cheat, I think, if the circumstances are there. Some people are just more likely to do it than others, I guess.

 

Men make a lot of excuses for what they do, I wonder if they would accept the same excuses from us? If you left your GF for three months to work and she slept around, would you understand?

 

No, I wouldn't excuse it. That said, if my girl could get away with it, she would probably be in her best interests to cover it up. I know that sounds ludicrous, but the fact is that if she told me, I would still see a lot less in her; her image would be permanently tarnished. May as well try to keep it intact and try to get away with it. The issue of whether I would want to know versus whether it would be wise from her perspective to disclose the truth to me are two separate issues. Yes, I would want to know; No, I would not tell me if I were in her position and still wanted and valued a long-term relationship. The human mind is a complex thing, you see.

 

There's sleeping around, and there's sleeping around. This guy is saying that it's a one-time thing and that she was apparently giving him mixed signals as to whether she was really all that interested in maintaining the relationship. If what he is saying is true, then maybe he's not some dog.

 

Whether he tells or not, he needs to end it and not waste any more of her time. She deserves someone who loves her, not someone who is just using her and lying to her.

 

Blah! Blah! Blah!

 

People cheat for a variety of reasons. Many times it's out of insecurity, a feeling that their feelings of affection haven't been properly returned in kind. I am not at all saying that I agree with cheating, but I no longer buy into the notion that all cheaters are devil worshippers or souls condemned to burn in Hades. They're humans. Their deeds are wrong, and they are accountable for them - nothing more, nothing less.

[SueBee3490]

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

 

So by him not telling her, he'll just dig himself in deeper because more than likely in the future, somehow this cheating will come to light. They always do and then she will be heartbroken and angry not only that he did cheat, but that he didn't tell her so she could make a decision whether to stay or go.

[MarnieGirl]

 

People cheat for a variety of reasons. Many times it's out of insecurity, a feeling that their feelings of affection haven't been properly returned in kind. I am not at all saying that I agree with cheating, but I no longer buy into the notion that all cheaters are devil worshippers or souls condemned to burn in Hades. They're humans. Their deeds are wrong, and they are accountable for them - nothing more, nothing less.

 

well-said. i don't know why anyone even bothers with the excuses and whether or not the excuses are acceptable. they aren't going to be accepted by the person who was wronged; the person who was wronged is either going to deal with it or is not, and it happens when it happens, if it it does.

["Low down dirty guy"]

 

you jumped the gun and screwed up. i think you used it as an excuse to do what you wanted, actually. you convinced yourself, with no real reason, that your girlfriend deserved what you were doing to her. it wasn't even a drunken one night mistake, you met this other girl the next night to have sex with her! come on. that makes me hope your girlfriend did do something you wouldn't approve of.

 

i am not understanding the logic behind this thinking..."i think she is out there cheating, but i don't know. cheating is a dealbreaker for me. she better not be cheating on me. i better go out and screw someone else because i think she's cheating on me, and that's not what you do in a loving relationship." yeah. huh?

 

no good will come out of tellling her, but no good will come out of not telling her. she at least deserves to know who you really are, how you really think, and the potential you have to not be quite the person she thought you were. if you want to keep this relationship going, you owe her the chance to decide if she wants to stay in a relationship where she was wronged. it's up to her now.

 

well its good to know there are absolutley "perfect" people in this world who have never done something they wish they could take back!

 

Go ahead and tell me more how s***ty i am. I already know it

[catgirl1927]

Actually, amerikajin, I think you're right on all counts but one.

 

I agree that lying to her is in his self interest. I will never understand why people would stay with someone they respect so little that they would cheat on them, but I think often it's the thrill of getting away with it. Tricking them and laughing behind their backs at how stupid she is to think he would actually care about HER.

 

I disagree that this is a one time thing. He will do this, lie about it, get away with it, and it will be easier next time. IF this is even the first time. He deliberately made a date with this girl with every intent of cheating.

 

People may cheat for a variety of so-called "reasons" but the bottom line is you do not betray someone you love. He cares nothing at all for her, that's why he's so willing to continue to string her along and use her and laugh behind her back, not caring that she's wasting time and emotion on him.

[Low down dirty guy]

i've decided i can't read this forum anymore. i know i deserve to feel the worst ever. i am not going to let any of you all tell me that i care nothing for her and don't love her. some of you guys are being very cruel about it. i know i'm the scum of the earth, but what's the sense in continuing to tell me this?

 

I'm thinking of going ahead and telling her, but its really for my own reasons. i need to clear my conscience and try to do right from now on whether i'm with her or not.

 

You guys dont need to keep telling me i'm a DOG and horrible person. i know it. But don't dare try to say that i don't love or care about her because i know how i feel. my love for her didn't all go out the window the night i decided to cheat.

[theantibarbie23]

but its really not a lie if he doesn't tell her.

 

i'm sorry i just don't see what could benefit from him telling her. all it would do is hurt his girlfriend tremendously and make himself feel even worse. he's already paying for his crime by his guilt. no sense in digging the wound deeper

 

A lie by omission is still a lie.

 

By withholding information, her perception of their relationship is no longer reality based. She no longer has the information needed to make accurate decisions for her own life.... how the hell is that right to do to someone else?

 

I think the coverup is almost worse than the crime. I might be able to forgive someone for having a one time fling but I would never forgive someone for keeping it from me. I hate the deception and sneakiness. They would be gone.

[fetish]

i kind of agree with greystone and a few others. Don't tell her. I mean if my girlfriend had a one night fling, i really wouldn't want to know. But if she was continued seeing this person on more than one occasion behind my back and doing things to make me suspect, then i would want to know.

 

I think some of you are comin down on lowdown dirty guy a little too hard. He's admitted he was wrong and said that he won't let it happen again. But the way some of you sound, alot of you are angry women who probably have been cheated on before.

 

But greystone is right, some of you are ignoring his g/f's part in all of it and how she was acting like she didn't care or want to be w/ him. I think lowdown was very wrong for what he did, but i can still understand what drove him to do it. He seems like a good guy and i don't think that some of you need to be wishing bad luck on him. MARINEGIRL.

 

I say, if you don't want to be in relationship w/ her anymore, let it go. let her find someone else. If you do, do right by her but don't be stupid and tell her.

 

Even if she does decide that she wants to be w/him in spite of his infedelity, it will always remain in the back of her mind and things will not be the same

[catgirl1927]

I think the girlfriend is to blame for the deterioration of his feelings by leaving, esp by saying I'm going to be gone two weeks and turning that into the whole summer. But she is NOT responsible for his cheating. If he doesn't want a relationship that involves extended separation, he should end it with her and find someone who will be around. He's not wrong about that. But he cheated because he wanted to f*** that girl. Don't pretend it was because he was hurt or something. He wanted to get laid.

[Toni_no12002]

At the end of the day what he did was awful but i think because he feels so guilty about it ,that that is punishment enough.What would it gain by him telling her?Yes maybe he wouldnt feel so guilty but thats the easy way out for him.She would probably be heartbroken dump his ass and then she would probably never trust another bloke again.Is that fair?

 

As long as its the one and only mistake i think he should keep it to himself.In a weird way maybe it would be selfish of him to tell her to ease his own guilt because it would hurt her.

 

We are human were not perfect were going to make mistakes.We have emotions and sometimes they get out of control.Surely she isnt totally perfect either.He should get on with his life.The whole time hes with her he will feel guilty.Thats one of the worst feelings ever.Probably now he will be an even better boyfriend,people normally learn by there mistakes.

[crazy_grl]

OMG, what am I reading?? I can't believe people think cheating is justified just because your SO isn't acting the way you would expect them to act. What happened to talking to your SO to see if there's something wrong and trying to solve it? Since when is it okay to meet somebody else and bang them because you THINK your SO doesn't feel the same way about you. You never once metioned having talked to her about how you felt.

 

Worse yet, this wasn't even a spur of the moment mistake. You made plans to see this girl again and then slept with her. During that day between when you met her and when you banged her, you had plenty of time to call up your gf and talk to her about how you were feeling. But no, you banged some other girl and now you're not even going to come clean. I don't like to insult people, but since you said it first, I do agree that you're scum. It disgusts me how you're justifying this and how people are defending your cheating. You really don't sound sorry to me.

 

I think you need to tell your gf so she knows that this is how you deal with things like this. And next time you're feeling neglected by a gf, at least bring it up to her and give her the chance to explain or change before decide you bang another girl.

 

Edit: Oops. I just read your last post that you're going to tell her. I think that's best. That does change my opinion of you. If you're still reading this, I hope it works out for you. Just remember to talk to your SO if you're feeling unloved. Don't resort to cheating.

[MarnieGirl]

OMG, what am I reading?? I can't believe people think cheating is justified just because your SO isn't acting the way you would expect them to act. What happened to talking to your SO to see if there's something wrong and trying to solve it? Since when is it okay to meet somebody else and bang them because you THINK your SO doesn't feel the same way about you. You never once metioned having talked to her about how you felt.

 

Worse yet, this wasn't even a spur of the moment mistake. You made plans to see this girl again and then slept with her. During that day between when you met her and when you banged her, you had plenty of time to call up your gf and talk to her about how you were feeling. But no, you banged some other girl and now you're not even going to come clean. I don't like to insult people, but since you said it first, I do agree that you're scum. It disgusts me how you're justifying this and how people are defending your cheating. You really don't sound sorry to me.

 

I think you need to tell your gf so she knows that this is how you deal with things like this. And next time you're feeling neglected by a gf, at least bring it up to her and give her the chance to explain or change before decide you bang another girl.

 

my seniments exactly.

 

*whoops, just saw your edit.

[lowdown dirty guy]

OMG, what am I reading?? I can't believe people think cheating is justified just because your SO isn't acting the way you would expect them to act. What happened to talking to your SO to see if there's something wrong and trying to solve it? Since when is it okay to meet somebody else and bang them because you THINK your SO doesn't feel the same way about you. You never once metioned having talked to her about how you felt.

 

Worse yet, this wasn't even a spur of the moment mistake. You made plans to see this girl again and then slept with her. During that day between when you met her and when you banged her, you had plenty of time to call up your gf and talk to her about how you were feeling. But no, you banged some other girl and now you're not even going to come clean. I don't like to insult people, but since you said it first, I do agree that you're scum. It disgusts me how you're justifying this and how people are defending your cheating. You really don't sound sorry to me.

 

I think you need to tell your gf so she knows that this is how you deal with things like this. And next time you're feeling neglected by a gf, at least bring it up to her and give her the chance to explain or change before decide you bang another girl.

 

Edit: Oops. I just read your last post that you're going to tell her. I think that's best. That does change my opinion of you. If you're still reading this, I hope it works out for you. Just remember to talk to your SO if you're feeling unloved. Don't resort to cheating.

 

oh believe me, i talked to her about it several times. i told her that i missed her and wanted to be with her. I even asked her not to go. She told me youi'll be alright. I asked her if she even missed me. She told me she did but her actions and voicetone sounded like she really didn't. She even brought up a point to say that she never says anything when i'm going out with the homeboys partying on the weekends. And the only thing she could say is, "Now you know how i feel".

 

I spend over 80% of my time w/this girl. We go everywhere and do everything together. I might go hang out w/the fellas once a month at the most, and most of the time, i report to her house at 9 or 10pm, so its a decent hour.

 

I did talk w/ her but she acted like she didn't even care. I even asked if she wanted to take a break from us and she said no. But she'd still continue with the same behavior and blow me off.

[BrandonBP]

Attitudes like this are why women have such a hard time trusting men. I'm guessing you don't tell either? No matter how many times it happens?

I don't put myself in this situation period. I don't have to hide my cheating because I DON'T CHEAT. I'm just trying to help a brother out.

[Low down dirty guy]

I don't put myself in this situation period. I don't have to hide my cheating because I DON'T CHEAT. I'm just trying to help a brother out.

 

 

don't ever get into the cheating business. A few of my friends actually brag about the girls that they cheated wth. i never cheated before now and i thought it would make me feel like "the man" but all it did was make me feel like low s***.

 

and i appreciate you for u trying to help. i know i'm an a**h***, but i appreciate you and a few others on here for not just flat out trying to judge me and condemn me to hell like some of the people here because i made a mistake.

[Vertex]

Jesus some people are so lost. You need to tell her what you've done.

[SoleMate]

Hey lowdown,

 

I am sympathetic. You clearly have a conscience and some morals, because otherwise you wouldn't even be bothered by your own cheating. I'm not the one who will call you derogatory names. You were lonely nd weak, and you did something thinking that it was somehow OK. (Just like when you're hitting the snooze button at 7:50 am, you're thinking, "Oh I have plenty of time.") After the event took place, the morals took over again.

 

I'm not even going to get into the question of whether to confess or not. But I will suggest that if you were in a strong and close r/s, you would not have felt this temptation. A better path migth be to REALLY let your gf know how you're feeling. I know you tried, but the fact is she had her fingers in her ears, so only a loud voice would have gotten through.

 

I guess everyone can agree on one thing: Don't pass on any STDs.

[crazy_grl]

I did talk w/ her but she acted like she didn't even care. I even asked if she wanted to take a break from us and she said no. But she'd still continue with the same behavior and blow me off.

 

Well it looks like you two need better communication then. Still, the answer is not to go out and cheat. If you felt like you made it clear to her that she was making you feel like she didn't love you and she didn't want to change, then you should have broken up with her. I understand you made a mistake and we all make mistakes, but we still need to own up to them when we do.

 

There's something that doesn't seem right to me. If you feel like she doesn't care about you (which is why you cheated, right) then why are you worried about telling her? If you believe she doesn't care, why do you think it would crush her to know you cheated? You're contradicting yourself.

 

One thing I want to say is that the reason it doesn't seem to me like you're as sorry as you claim is that you started out your thread title with "I'm scum" but when people agreed with that, you got defensive and angry at people for sharing your viewpoint. It seems to me (and I could be wrong) that you're just saying you feel so aweful so that you'll get simpathy and people will side with you. That way you'll feel justified that you cheated and alleviate the guilt you do feel. Basically to me, it seems like maybe you're just looking for people to tell you it was ok for you to cheat. But like I said, that's only how I see it. I'm not in your head, so I know I could be wrong.

[low down ditry guy]

Well it looks like you two need better communication then. Still, the answer is not to go out and cheat. If you felt like you made it clear to her that she was making you feel like she didn't love you and she didn't want to change, then you should have broken up with her. I understand you made a mistake and we all make mistakes, but we still need to own up to them when we do.

 

There's something that doesn't seem right to me. If you feel like she doesn't care about you (which is why you cheated, right) then why are you worried about telling her? If you believe she doesn't care, why do you think it would crush her to know you cheated? You're contradicting yourself.

 

One thing I want to say is that the reason it doesn't seem to me like you're as sorry as you claim is that you started out your thread title with "I'm scum" but when people agreed with that, you got defensive and angry at people for sharing your viewpoint. It seems to me (and I could be wrong) that you're just saying you feel so aweful so that you'll get simpathy and people will side with you. That way you'll feel justified that you cheated and alleviate the guilt you do feel. Basically to me, it seems like maybe you're just looking for people to tell you it was ok for you to cheat. But like I said, that's only how I see it. I'm not in your head, so I know I could be wrong.

 

 

well as an answer to your first question where you say im contradicting myself, if you read my posts, i expl that my girlfriend was acting like that before she left and then after a while, things were back to normal and that was after i did my dirt. she was sending me mixed signals like she didn't care at first, but afterwards, she started back to calling me more she was back to calling me and things like that.

 

As far as me getting defensive, i started this thread to see if anyone could relate to this feeling of guilt. and i do feel guilty. i didn't start the thread to justify my cheating but to see if people could relate to it. i only got defensive and a tad upset when peolpe said that i didn't love her at all for cheating and that they hope she goes out and does the same thing to me. constructive critisicm is fine but to just flat out be evil about it is another thing.

 

i will never feel justified no matter how many people agree w/ me. i guess i didn't expect people from LS to escalate my guilt as much. maybe it just took me by surprise.

[MarnieGirl]

oh believe me, i talked to her about it several times. i told her that i missed her and wanted to be with her. I even asked her not to go. She told me youi'll be alright. I asked her if she even missed me. She told me she did but her actions and voicetone sounded like she really didn't. She even brought up a point to say that she never says anything when i'm going out with the homeboys partying on the weekends. And the only thing she could say is, "Now you know how i feel".

 

I spend over 80% of my time w/this girl. We go everywhere and do everything together. I might go hang out w/the fellas once a month at the most, and most of the time, i report to her house at 9 or 10pm, so its a decent hour.

 

I did talk w/ her but she acted like she didn't even care. I even asked if she wanted to take a break from us and she said no. But she'd still continue with the same behavior and blow me off.

 

 

 

you forgot one option--getting out of a relationship that you felt was one-sided. who knew?

[RecordProducer]

i've decided i can't read this forum anymore. i know i deserve to feel the worst ever. i am not going to let any of you all tell me that i care nothing for her and don't love her. some of you guys are being very cruel about it. i know i'm the scum of the earth, but what's the sense in continuing to tell me this?

 

I'm thinking of going ahead and telling her, but its really for my own reasons. i need to clear my conscience and try to do right from now on whether i'm with her or not.

 

You guys dont need to keep telling me i'm a DOG and horrible person. i know it. But don't dare try to say that i don't love or care about her because i know how i feel. my love for her didn't all go out the window the night i decided to cheat.

Hey, I was on your side all along!

[amerikajin]

I'll just call you 'Guy'

 

Look, I think the real question you should ask yourself here before you even decide to tell her or not is whether or not this relationship was/is working for you. It seems like you were really insecure about things while she was pretty much comfortable with the way things were up to that point. That doesn't mean she was ready to dump you necessarily, but it does mean that she saw no need to change the status quo; you apparently did. Maybe you're the kind of person who needs a lot of validation; maybe she's not. I don't know...these are things you've got to talk about.

 

I'll spare you the hard lecture about cheating, but you realize that cheating never changes the status quo for the better. It'll only make her want to take revenge against you for inflicting emotional injury. That revenge will either come in the form of her evening the score, or more likely, just dumping you and watching you get down on your knees and begging for her forgiveness like a lame ass.

 

That's why I'd be leary about telling her, especially when you haven't really addressed the former issue first. In some relationships cheating actually opens things up a bit, but that's almost always in a committed marital relationship when two partners have invested a lot of time in each other; in this kind of relationship, it's about a 100 percent chance that you'll get dumped if she finds out. There's no real commitment and she can easily go out and find someone else - and apparently she knows that.

[Lollie72]

And you could have gone to visit her "for a little" both prior summers!

[Toni_no12002]

Still if he told her she might never trust a guy again how could that be fair?

 

Cheating is wrong but if my boyfriend cheated id rather not know.My ex cheated on me and he told me.Id rather he didnt because now i think most men are scum.If he hadnt of told me maybe i would have thought about men differently.I forgave my ex bf anyway after he told me.

[nicki]

It hurts when you feel unsure, unloved, and not getting any feedback from your SO. You feel like they have all the control. And it's human nature to want to balance that....cheating is never the answer, but it does makes YOU feel in control, doesn't it?

 

In studying marital counseling in school, we learned that when a person feels powerless they often bring another person into the relationship. It makes them feel more balanced in power. It's called triangulation. It can be for one night, or for a long term affair.

 

To the one doing it, it restores the balance of power in the relationship. Strange, but the intent to balance power is correct. It's the cheating behavior that is wrong.

 

Cheating distracts one from fixing the problem, and from balancing power in the correct way...I know you know this....

 

Please talk again to your girlfriend. Tell her how you feel. If she doesn't care to make things better, then you can leave. It seems to me that you have tried to talk to her, and she ignores your needs. That's a bad sign. She should want to negotiate with you. You can't negotiate with someone who brings nothing to the table.

 

As for telling her you cheated, you will know if you should when you talk to her. Just be sure to include the reasons why you cheated. Her behavior contributed to the deterioration of your relationship....the desire to cheat should have been a red flag to you that things weren't right....You were wrong to cheat, however....that was in YOUR control, and you could have chosen to use your power to either talk to her again, or leave her.

 

You don't sound like a habitual cheater to me. You seem to fall into the category of making a mistake and learning from it. Some relationships get better when it all comes out, but the poster who said that usually happens in marriages is right....time and emotional investment is a big motivator to make things better....it might be easier for you to cut and run...

 

Whatever you do, learn from your past, and vow to do differently next time when faced with the same situation.

 

She may not be for you. If you feel like crap when you are with her, then consider leaving. Ask yourself: If I was happy and feeling loved, would I have cheated? Then ask: What behaviors on her part makes me feel happy and loved?