I'm scum, i cheated

[Lollie72]

Still if he told her she might never trust a guy again how could that be fair?

 

Cheating is wrong but if my boyfriend cheated id rather not know.My ex cheated on me and he told me.Id rather he didnt because now i think most men are scum.If he hadnt of told me maybe i would have thought about men differently.I forgave my ex bf anyway after he told me.

 

Because of this reaction of yours!

[MarnieGirl]

 

i only got defensive and a tad upset...when peolpe said that they hope she goes out and does the same thing to me. constructive critisicm is fine but to just flat out be evil about it is another thing.

 

 

how is that evil? you cheated on her, right? her cheating on you isn't any more evil, nor is a stranger on here saying that they hope it happens to you. what's evil is cheating and lying and only having concern about not being found out, while pretending that your main concern is her feelings.

 

maybe she should cheat on you; it would help you to see what it's like on the other side of the coin, and how you should properly treat the situation.

[MarnieGirl]

Still if he told her she might never trust a guy again how could that be fair?

 

Cheating is wrong but if my boyfriend cheated id rather not know.My ex cheated on me and he told me.Id rather he didnt because now i think most men are scum.If he hadnt of told me maybe i would have thought about men differently.I forgave my ex bf anyway after he told me.

 

um...okay, so what's better then? possibly not trusting any guy again or staying with a guy who already proved he can't be trusted?

 

HE cheated. HE is responsible, and she'll eventually see that not all guys do this. and hopefully next time, she'll be a little more careful in choosing a partner.

[pricillia]

Sorry, but I disagree with you that you're a scum!

 

I would describe your relationship as one that slowly, but surely got into the non-exclusive zone. She indeed sounded like she didn't care about spending time with you. If she were in love with you, she couldn't leave you for the whole summer. I mean NY is only a few hundred miles from DC, it's not like she was on the other part of the planet.

 

If MY BF acted like that with me, I would probably ditch him. You became strangers to each other and your mistake was a ntural result from the physical and emotional distance.

 

Moreover, her behavior is kinda suspicious to me. All of a sudden, she decides to stay there for the whole summer and then says you're so wondetful? Is it possible that she tried something with someone else then got disappointed in him and you seemed so wonderful again?

 

how then does that make him scum if you state that it was a mistake from the physical and emotional distance.. I disagree with that as it sounds like they are going through a test..

 

But I do agree that she may have tried something with someone else and then got disapointed, men have intuition as well, Maybe it is time to move on, or talk to her first and find out where you stand then BUT do it in person

[RecordProducer]

how then does that make him scum if you state that it was a mistake from the physical and emotional distance.. I disagree with that as it sounds like they are going through a test..

Sorry, I don't understand your question. Can you please paraphrase it... this time in English?

 

I said he was NOT a scum; he cheated because their relationship was barely existent, very distant, lacking closeness, intimacy, and desire to spend time together on her part. In a marriage, situation like this should be solved - partners should discuss their needs and everything, because the ultimate goal in a marriage is to have a close friendship and true love. Married couples are assumed to love each other deeply and show affection.

 

However, when you date someone, they owe you nothing. If you see that they don't care about spending time with you, you can either stay in the relationship for whatever reason you might have (can't let go) and deal with the emotional distance or dump them, but you can't DEMAND things to be discussed and resolved.

 

My husband dated a woman many years ago and wasn't in love with her. He told her the truth, he didn't want to date her exclusively, he let her know that it's OK with him if she had other lovers... yet she wrote him letters demanding more affection and attention from him. She even tried to persuade him that their love IS true and big. Do you see how ridiculous she sounded?

 

This girl showed that she didn't care much about being with this guy. He tried to talk to her, but she made decisions independently. If he asked for more love, he would sound ridiculous. You observe things, evaluate the situation and act accordingly. You don't pose demands when you know that people are not willing to meet them.

 

He is wasting his time with a girl that's not very interested in him and likes her own space. She is wasting her time with someone she is not very interested in. It's their problem. Sooner or later this relationship will end. He is in love and can't dump her at this moment.

[vampress1]

Warning: this isn't going to be nice.

Having said that... Dude! Screw You! How DARE you make a decision for your girlfriend of this magnitude?!?! Waaaah, you feel guilty and people are making it worse... don't freakin' post your huge-ass mistake on a forum like this if you can't take the heat!! No wonder your girlfriend wanted a break from you... maybe it was your immature bahavior "i'm not going to read these threads anymore because people are disagreeing with me".

 

Tell me this... what happens in a few months when one of your "homeboys" slips and tells her that you screwed "the finest woman [you] had ever seen"? Yeah, i'm feeling real sorry for you when you flirt with a woman at a bar and then arrange to see her the next night. You had time to think about your actions... you made your bed, sleep in it!

Tell her! If you care about her as much as you say you do, tell her. She deserves that much from you. I don't doubt that you love and care for your girlfriend... You were upset and feeling abandoned and alone from her actions. That's understandable, really it is.

 

I'm sorry for the anger here, but i'm totally disgusted by the "what she doesn't know can't hurt her" attitude. Anyone who thinks the pain of finding out from you would be better than hearing it from a stranger is out of their freakin' mind!

[vampress1]

However, when you date someone, they owe you nothing. If you see that they don't care about spending time with you, you can either stay in the relationship for whatever reason you might have (can't let go) and deal with the emotional distance or dump them, but you can't DEMAND things to be discussed and resolved.

 

Uh, interesting view RP... tell me how you get to marriage without dating? If you can't build a trusting foundation for marriage through dating then how does one expect to make the leap? Maybe your point is that they shouldn't be in such a serious relationship if they cannot communicate properly? This guy said they were going strong for 5 years... that's not chump change! It's not like they've been dating for a few weeks and she up and left for 3 months. I don't disagree with you completely... the op's girlfriend set the "who gives a $hit" mood.

[RecordProducer]

Uh, interesting view RP... tell me how you get to marriage without dating? If you can't build a trusting foundation for marriage through dating then how does one expect to make the leap?

That's exactly my point! If the relationship grows stronger and stronger, it will probably end up in a marriage. But if it becomes weaker and weaker, you're going backward toward the non-exclusive phase. Some relationships end slowly as the love fades out.

 

I had a relationship of 6 years where the first and last two years were very bad and weak and the middle two were strong and loving. We both slept with other people in the weak phases. The closeness was just not there and we didn't care. Eventually he wanted to get married (he had his agenda in this intention - money), but I broke up as I thought the relationship was s***ty and we were not right for each other.

Dude! Screw You! How DARE you make a decision for your girlfriend of this magnitude?!?! Waaaah, you feel guilty and people are making it worse... don't freakin' post your huge-ass mistake on a forum like this if you can't take the heat!! No wonder your girlfriend wanted a break from you... maybe it was your immature bahavior "i'm not going to read these threads anymore because people are disagreeing with me".

I'll give you a (unsolicited) piece of advice: when you use language like this, you not only risk to get banned from Loveshack, but also to not be taken seriously by other posters who had the nerve to post the same opinion in a... more civil way.

[pricillia]

Sorry, I don't understand your question. Can you please paraphrase it... this time in English?

 

I said he was NOT a scum; he cheated because their relationship was barely existent, very distant, lacking closeness, intimacy, and desire to spend time together on her part. In a marriage, situation like this should be solved - partners should discuss their needs and everything, because the ultimate goal in a marriage is to have a close friendship and true love. Married couples are assumed to love each other deeply and show affection.

 

However, when you date someone, they owe you nothing. If you see that they don't care about spending time with you, you can either stay in the relationship for whatever reason you might have (can't let go) and deal with the emotional distance or dump them, but you can't DEMAND things to be discussed and resolved.

 

My husband dated a woman many years ago and wasn't in love with her. He told her the truth, he didn't want to date her exclusively, he let her know that it's OK with him if she had other lovers... yet she wrote him letters demanding more affection and attention from him. She even tried to persuade him that their love IS true and big. Do you see how ridiculous she sounded?

 

This girl showed that she didn't care much about being with this guy. He tried to talk to her, but she made decisions independently. If he asked for more love, he would sound ridiculous. You observe things, evaluate the situation and act accordingly. You don't pose demands when you know that people are not willing to meet them.

 

He is wasting his time with a girl that's not very interested in him and likes her own space. She is wasting her time with someone she is not very interested in. It's their problem. Sooner or later this relationship will end. He is in love and can't dump her at this moment.

 

 

sorry record producer IN ENGLISH this time

 

I read your reply quickly, yes he is not scum!!!, but what ever he does it should be in person

[pricillia]

how is that evil? you cheated on her, right? her cheating on you isn't any more evil, nor is a stranger on here saying that they hope it happens to you. what's evil is cheating and lying and only having concern about not being found out, while pretending that your main concern is her feelings.

 

maybe she should cheat on you; it would help you to see what it's like on the other side of the coin, and how you should properly treat the situation.

 

how does anyone know that she did not cheat on him???

[crazy_grl]

how does anyone know that she did not cheat on him???

 

We don't and if we use the logic prevalent in this thread, he'll never know. They'll both just keep it to themselves.

[Sand&Water]

Low Down Guy,

 

In my opinion, you should tell her the truth. She deserves to know the real you, even if it means humiliation, destruction and possibly an end to the relationship.

 

If you love her (I presume) that much then confront her about your cheating, and in the same way you'll also love her enough to accept the likelihood of a break-up and a chance for her to find a new guy. Good luck.

[pricillia]

Low Down Guy,

 

In my opinion, you should tell her the truth. She deserves to know the real you, even if it means humiliation, destruction and possibly an end to the relationship.

 

If you love her (I presume) that much then confront her about your cheating, and in the same way you'll also love her enough to accept the likelihood of a break-up and a chance for her to find a new guy. Good luck.

 

 

or for him to find a new girl. He did not admit to her that he cheated yet but he admitted it, that is the first step here... I know that they need to talk in person to bring into the open what has been going on in eachothers absence. Then they need to go from there. I think that she needs to come clean as well...

[RecordProducer]

I think we're all beating a dead horse here. I am also very surprised to see that people come and kick this guy in the ribs while he's lying down on the floor.

 

I don't get what kind of satisfaction it gives to some of you - to tell him "Yes, you are a scum, you scum!"

[Pink Amulet]

I think it is just a way of people who have been cheated on to take it out on someone. It is the manipulation people are repulsed by. It is awful to think their actions were so callous and well thought out. I realise it isn't fair, but it is understandable.

[amerikajin]

Ah yes, I see the Salem witch hunt club is alive and well.

 

I can understand the anger regarding his cheating, especially if you've been cheated on before. But everyone always seems to focus on the cheating while ignoring the fact that the person may (and I stress this word) have been subjected to neglect, abuse or other negativity which might lead one to feel distant from their partner. It's like shouting epithets at someone and getting mad at the guy who throws a punch out of anger. Sure, the reaction is wrong, but perhaps in some situations it's understandable when you consider that the other person was wrong too. People are people. We don't always think or behave in the manner we would always like.

 

At the end of the day, our friend here is accountable for his actions. I think he might do some good by disclosing the affair, but at the same time, the reality is, she will probably end the relationship as they are not committed to each other yet. Depending on how he feels, he should evaluate this carefully. If he feels he can't continue the relationship without telling her, well then he'll have to take that risk and tell her. If he thinks it's water under the bridge, then my advice would be to not tell and, most importantly, start talking to her about how the relationship can be built from this point forward.

 

Personally, being the objective voice here, it seems as though maybe you two need to communicate a lot better about what you expect from each other in terms of time and attention. I think you were hurt by the perceived neglect on her part, but it's possible she thought nothing of it. Maybe she had a bad week. You need to get this stuff out in the open. Keeping it to yourself only increases the likelihood that you will grow bitter and silently decide to take matters into your own hands, just as you did this time.

[harleygirl92156]

First thing you do is get to a doctor and be SURE you didn't catch something from this woman. If she had sex with you after only knowing you a few hours, then she does the same thing with other men. You first have to be sure you are clean and don't sleep with your girlfriend or anyone else until you are responsible enough to take care of that situation.

 

As for telling her, I believe you should. There is definately problems with the relationship and they can't be worked out until all the cards are on the table.

[Guest]

=This summer, she didn't get accepted. While i felt bad for her that she didn't get accepted, i was still happy that we would be together for the summer and thought she would too. She was crying that she didn't get accepted and i was wondering, "what's the big deal?"

 

So she tells me she was going away to visit her mom and dad for a couple of weeks. She hadn't spent a whole lot of time w/them for a while. They live all the way in new york and we live in DC. So i drive her to the airport and then a week before she's supposed to come back, she said that she was going to work by phone for a few months was going to stay out there for the entire summer. I told her i missed her terribly and she acted like it didn't even bother her. Some nights, she wouldn't even call and we've never gone a day w/out talking to eachother. I would call her and most of the time, i couldn't get through. Then one night, she called me and said she was going out clubbing w/ a couple of old time friends. I was sitting at home doing nothing. She told me she'd call me back right b4 she went to the club and never heard from her the rest of the night.

 

 

What do you think she's been doing in NY? Women are very sneeky and very tight lipped. What she's not telling you is that she already had somebody up north. when she wasn't accepted she made up that story about needing to see mom and dad... truth is she missed her NY workout partner and had to get up there somehow. Women are very deceitful. I know I've been there. I've never confirmed that my current wife has done anything with other guys but there are inconsistencies and strange things in the past that tell a story of lies. Confronting is a waste of time trust me. Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see.

[amerikajin]

If someone is that suspicious of their s.o., why waste their time dating them in the first place? Just break up and be done with it.

 

I disagree that she you can automatically conclude that she was trying to see someone else or end things with you. Some people may not necessarily be good at communicating what they're thinking. It's possible that she got caught up in seeing her folks and meeting new friends while she was up there that she temporarily put the relationship on a lesser priority. You don't know she was planning to break up or that she was seeing someone else at all; what you know is that things appeared to change from what they had been up to that point and that it made you feel uneasy. I'd address that.

[SueBee3490]

I disagree that she you can automatically conclude that she was trying to see someone else or end things with you. Some people may not necessarily be good at communicating what they're thinking. It's possible that she got caught up in seeing her folks and meeting new friends while she was up there that she temporarily put the relationship on a lesser priority. You don't know she was planning to break up or that she was seeing someone else at all; what you know is that things appeared to change from what they had been up to that point and that it made you feel uneasy. I'd address that.

 

Very true Amerikajin. Just because she put the relationship on a "back burner" so to speak doesn't mean she was cheating.

 

In my case, my bf said his reason for cheating was because he thought I was pushing him away. I wasn't pushing him away, I was cautious. I had 3 kids of which my daughter who was a very rebellious teen, was causing me all kinds of grief. So, though, I wasn't cheating and didn't even THINK about cheating, I knew I have a life outside of him. I was raising 3 children totally alone (my ex died). I had a job and friends, etc. like everyone else. Because we were in a LDR, we had to do things apart from each other - that's a given. Cheating on my bf was the farthest thing from my mind - I loved him very much.

 

So for anyone here to assume she is cheating because she didn't call as much or wanted to spend some time with family, that's crap. Maybe she felt comfortable in knowing she loved him and he loved her, that she could spend that extra time with family without fear of losing him. I don't know but it's a thought.

[Lowdown dirty guy]

Thanks again to all of you guys who didn't come down too hard on me, especially you Record Producer. I had called my g/f on saturday to tell her that i needed to have a serious talk w/ her when she returns home. Before i could finish she hit me up w/ some real soap opera drama!

 

she revealed something that if i was 19 and 20 again, i would've been happy about. But she's been my g/f for 5 years and she tells me this weekend that she experimented kissing and fondling around w/one of her girlfriends. I guess she thought i was going to be thrilled about it. Back in the day, i probably would've been because that used to turn me on. In a way, i feel better knowing that she was w/ another girl rather than another man, but in a way, it still stings a little.

 

I asked her if she enjoyed it and she said YES! So by the looks of it, i've already lost her to a woman. I didn't want to talk about my dirt over the phone, I'm going to save that for in person. I'm still wondering if i should even tell her and just walk away from her. But with her little story she slammed me with will make telling her all the more easier. I still love her but we'll see. I think our days of being a couple are numbered.

 

I guess i learned that when you feel like someone is pushing you away and doesn't seem as pasionate about being with you as they used to, they probably aren't. She used to tell me she loved me everyday. She told me that when we talked over the phone the last 2 weeks but recently, it didn't sound "real". It sounded more of those "recited" things that you say because you feel you have to.

[Guest]

For what it is worth, having just lived a similar situation recently, of the cheating and lying and all that I hope I can help you out some.

 

The catch 22 which seems to cause problems at the beginning is that we are somewhat insecure about our self-worth and use our partners as a boost for our ego. Now, if they start pushing away we start pressing and insisting many times causing suffocation and pushing them away.

 

Most people like being around partners who can keep their act together. So you should be able to be ok with or without her. If your love is true you can be honest with her knowing that your past actions are going to have consecuences and that for her to overcome the trust issues and the reasons why you made a mistake are probably going to be overwhelming.

 

Let her know how you feel sincerely and you might get a second chance.

About her fling I believe she is being inmature, but that is part of the process of growing up.