Am I wrong?

[tippytoe]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years now. He is a wonderful, sensitive, and caring man. We live together in a house that his parents own, but we are making the house payments, and when it is paid up, the house will belong to him. Here's the problem: He does not want to get married, and I do. I want security in my life, both financial and otherwise. I want to know that I will be taken care of in the future. If I stay, continuing to help him pay off his house, how do I know that MY future is secure? Without being married, he can boot me out of his life at any time. Now he thinks that I am being greedy, and that my love is conditioned upon money. I have my own money, and had it not been for meeting him, I would be living in my own house, building my own equity, and my own security for the future. He says I should just trust him, that he will not boot me out, but how can I be sure he wont change his mind in a few years? Is it wrong to want the promise of financial security, or am I just being selfish?

[arthropod98]

do you keep record of all the money you put into the house?? why don't you and your boyfriend discuss some legal-binding about being able to get out what you put in, in case things don't work out.

 

this is REALITY here, and you should really try and prepare for it . . . otherwise, you may be out a good deal of money, and you won't have advanced at ALL towards having your own house.

 

if he is all these things you say, he should UNDERSTAND a discussion like this.

 

i have no idea what exactly you can DO as far as "getting out what you put in", but i would seriously have a discussion with him about this!

 

YOU have to watch out for YOU!!!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years now. He is a wonderful, sensitive, and caring man. We live together in a house that his parents own, but we are making the house payments, and when it is paid up, the house will belong to him. Here's the problem: He does not want to get married, and I do. I want security in my life, both financial and otherwise. I want to know that I will be taken care of in the future. If I stay, continuing to help him pay off his house, how do I know that MY future is secure? Without being married, he can boot me out of his life at any time. Now he thinks that I am being greedy, and that my love is conditioned upon money. I have my own money, and had it not been for meeting him, I would be living in my own house, building my own equity, and my own security for the future. He says I should just trust him, that he will not boot me out, but how can I be sure he wont change his mind in a few years? Is it wrong to want the promise of financial security, or am I just being selfish?

[Tony T]

You are not being selfish and your concerns are absolutely legitimate and warranted.

 

You are correct in everything you have said in your post. You are helping HIM build equity in HIS home and he could boot you out at anytime. You can bet he knows the commonlaw marriage laws in your state and he would get you out before the two of you became automatically married in the legal system.

 

You are not being mercenary here, you are being very practical.

 

A relationship of this sort is also a business of sorts, intertwined with love. Marriage is the same way, it's a loving business....Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Incorporated. A lot of things happen under that business, both social and business.

 

Tell him if you are to continue helping him make payments on this house, you want him to sign legal papers giving you a percentage of the house proportionate to the percentage of the montly payment you are making. For example, if your payment equals 1/3 of the total payment, you want 1/3 interest in the house. That will entitle you to the equity as well as 1/3 deduction of the interest on your income tax. Right now, he gets to deduct all the interest, even that paid by YOU.

 

Moreover, you can sign a side agreement that in the event the two of you terminate your relationship, you will sign your interest back over to him for your percentage of the appriased equity in the house at that time.

 

More than likely, in his mind you're just a girlfriend who happens to live with him and he's just renting to you. If you can handle that, and know you are open for eviction at any time, just consider what you are paying as rent because he hasn't made up his mind about you yet.

 

Two and a half years is plenty of time for him to know exactly how he feels about you. If he balks about signing over a percentage of the house to you, you don't have an equitable relationship, you don't have a fair boyfriend, and this is a sign you need to move on. It's got absolutely nothing to do with being selfish on your part. If he is such a selfish, unreasonable bxstard that he would deny you what is rightly yours, he is a manipulating jerk and you should have no need for him. If he attempts to throw a guilt trip on you and make you feel like you are the nasty one here, pack even faster.

 

If this guy is being this inconsiderate and unreasonable now, you can bet he'll be worse if you marry him. My bet is that he's using you for house payments and he will eventually dump your butt. I've seen this sort of thing before. If he doesn't give you some of the advantages of home ownership if you are helping make the payments, he certainly doesn't have the character and qualities of fairness that you would want in a long term partner.

 

You'll do just fine if you have to buy your own home and interest rates are lower now than they've been in 40 years. Go for it!!!

[Dave]

I think he can "boot you" ouf of his life any time he wishes, even if you are married. That is why we have such a thing called divorce. So if he does not wish to marry you, and it so happens that you get married, he can still break the contract. Of course, it is much harder to break a marriage than a relationship, but if you honestly believe that marriage will guarantee you life-long security, think twice.

 

good luck

 

P.S. 54 % of couples get divorced

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years now. He is a wonderful, sensitive, and caring man. We live together in a house that his parents own, but we are making the house payments, and when it is paid up, the house will belong to him. Here's the problem: He does not want to get married, and I do. I want security in my life, both financial and otherwise. I want to know that I will be taken care of in the future. If I stay, continuing to help him pay off his house, how do I know that MY future is secure? Without being married, he can boot me out of his life at any time. Now he thinks that I am being greedy, and that my love is conditioned upon money. I have my own money, and had it not been for meeting him, I would be living in my own house, building my own equity, and my own security for the future. He says I should just trust him, that he will not boot me out, but how can I be sure he wont change his mind in a few years? Is it wrong to want the promise of financial security, or am I just being selfish?

[Ed]

Financial and emotional security have nothing to do with mortgage or marriage.

 

Financial Security

 

If you want financial security, then make wise financial investments for the future. You can get much more financial security by saving your hard earned money and investing it in interest baring accounts, than from buying a house. Unless you happen to become the heir to a great fortune, you will have to work for financial security.

 

Example:

 

Pay $800 a month for 30 years to buy a house. If you are lucky, you will end up with a piece of property worth $250,000 (maybe more if the property goes commercial).

 

Put $800 a month for 30 years in a savings account, at a measly 5% interest. You would easily end up with over $500,000 CASH! after taxes.

 

Which one gives you more financial security?

 

Relationship Security

 

Marriage, itself, does not mean a relationship is or will be secure. What makes you think being married will offer you security? About half the people that get married, the first time, end up getting divorced. Do you call that secure?

 

Emotional and relational security are feelings you build within yourself. They can't be earned or given to you by someone else. They are independent of the people that may be in your life at any particular time. If you do not believe that, then you will live your entire life being jerked around, disappointed and frustrated. Depending on another person for your own emotional security is not only a huge burden on them, it is also a disservice to your own well being.

 

There are no guarantees in life. Security comes through diligence, dedication and discipline. You have to do what is best for you. If making bad investments and depending on others for your happiness is your idea of security, more power to you. I'll see you in bankruptcy AND divorce court.