debbiB Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 I put up with verbal, emotional and some minor physical abuse for 25 years and now that it has esculated into a fist in my face; causing a horrible black eye... I think it is time to say....it is OVER....I stayed too long...for my kids....what else was I gonna do...I haven't worked in years...I still have kids at home but I am not going to continue like this and teach my sons and daughters; that violence like this is okay...he has a history of violence and I knew that but you always think you can change people but you can't change someone who feels nothing inside...I like this forum....I can voice my fears and my thoughts and I can get feedback and it seems to help...because no matter what; this is hard!! But it will be okay; somehow it will be allright...thanks all of you for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
Lor Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Please be careful when you leave. Have some sort of protection, call a hotline, whatever. And, if he's starting to hit you, I don't know if you should confront him when you leave or just go. But you DO have to leave. You haven't worked in years but you've been a stay at home mom? Come on, NO ONE works harder than a mom!! Can you wash dishes? Can you cook? Can you vacuum? Can you clean windows, make beds, do laundry, can you organize schedules, do the bills?? If it helps, when I was unemployed and looking for a job, the unemployment office told me I was overqualified for everything because I have a college education. They told me I'd have a better chance if I'd been a stay at home Mom! Fast food, grocery stores, gas stations, housekeeping, etc may not be glamorous but they pay the bills. And they are the first step to something better. And as long as you and your children are safe, then nothing else matters. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 It's over, it was over 25 years ago and maybe it just took the black eye to make you aware of it. I am sorry for the pain that you are feeling and the other various emotions you are going to experience as you extract yourself from this situation. I am also happy for you because I know from experience one day in the future you will be SO happy that you left him. Don't give in to those strong, but normal urges to return to your abuser if you experience them. Getting counseling though your local domestic violence center will help you--of that I am sure. If you get into a group therapy situation you'll hear others talk and sometimes think it is you talking. Abusers use similar if not the same words and phrases in their pattern of abuse. In counseling you'll know you are not alone, that someone understands you and that you are not alone. Get a safety plan (Google "domestic violence" "safety plan" or see your local dv center) it is important to plan ahead for things that may happen. Be kind to yourself in the days ahead and remember that you were the strong one in the relationship. Your strength and commitment to your marriage vows allowed you to put up with too much. His weakness and disregard for his marrigge vows resulted in him cutting you down because of his own insecurities and fears. If he ever hits you again call 911 immediately or from a neighbors if you have to escape to be safe from him. Most likely he'd get court mandated counseling and anger management courses. He'd make some changes there but the abuse would continue, just in a different way. Abusers are cunning and will seek to abuse in ways that don't result in repercussions such as being arrested. My own thoughts on this come from personal experience, talking to other victim/survivors and the counselors that work with them--abusers who practice the type of abuse that goes in cycles (abuse, honeymoon period, tension building period) nearly never change they just find other ways to mess with your life. You might be inclined to see all men as abusers, that is understandable and a normal reaction but please understand that abuse (violence) is something practiced by both genders. Not every person is an abuser. Any statistical information you come across is most certainly incorrect and I don't know of any study at this moment that I'd support. There are many challenges to collecting domestic violence statistics but one day maybe we'll have a much clearer picture. One trend I do put faith in is the number of men reporting domestic violence to various agencies around the world is increasing at lightning speed (exponentially). Abusers are abusers but victims are not always victims...sometimes they are survivors. Be a survivor, be strong, get your life back. Best wishes, Craig Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 It's over, it was over 25 years ago and maybe it just took the black eye to make you aware of it. I am sorry for the pain that you are feeling and the other various emotions you are going to experience as you extract yourself from this situation. I am also happy for you because I know from experience one day in the future you will be SO happy that you left him. Don't give in to those strong, but normal urges to return to your abuser if you experience them. Getting counseling though your local domestic violence center will help you--of that I am sure. If you get into a group therapy situation you'll hear others talk and sometimes think it is you talking. Abusers use similar if not the same words and phrases in their pattern of abuse. In counseling you'll know you are not alone, that someone understands you and that you are not alone. Get a safety plan (Google "domestic violence" "safety plan" or see your local dv center) it is important to plan ahead for things that may happen. Be kind to yourself in the days ahead and remember that you were the strong one in the relationship. Your strength and commitment to your marriage vows allowed you to put up with too much. His weakness and disregard for his marrigge vows resulted in him cutting you down because of his own insecurities and fears. If he ever hits you again call 911 immediately or from a neighbors if you have to escape to be safe from him. Most likely he'd get court mandated counseling and anger management courses. He'd make some changes there but the abuse would continue, just in a different way. Abusers are cunning and will seek to abuse in ways that don't result in repercussions such as being arrested. My own thoughts on this come from personal experience, talking to other victim/survivors and the counselors that work with them--abusers who practice the type of abuse that goes in cycles (abuse, honeymoon period, tension building period) nearly never change they just find other ways to mess with your life. You might be inclined to see all men as abusers, that is understandable and a normal reaction but please understand that abuse (violence) is something practiced by both genders. Not every person is an abuser. Any statistical information you come across is most certainly incorrect and I don't know of any study at this moment that I'd support. There are many challenges to collecting domestic violence statistics but one day maybe we'll have a much clearer picture. One trend I do put faith in is the number of men reporting domestic violence to various agencies around the world is increasing at lightning speed (exponentially). Abusers are abusers but victims are not always victims...sometimes they are survivors. Be a survivor, be strong, get your life back. Best wishes, Craig Link to post Share on other sites
jbeeps Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 Please take everyone's advice about the abusive behavior, because thats important. Just as important is how to support yourself. You will need to take a "starter" job for now, and house cleaning offers good income, flexable hours and no more experience than you already have. No insurance, though. Child support will help pay the bills, and maybe you can share your house with a border to get extra income and help with the utilities. Most important is to start at the community college for a 2 year degreee in a profession which interests you, and from which you can earn a living wage for your future. Some suggestions would be dental assistant, dental hygenist, optician, licensed practical nurse, or anything else that will pay enough to support you now and save for retirement. Look for jobs managing a small business, such as a tanning salon, convienence store, etc. Fast food places are always looking for "grown-ups" who are responsible and reliable and will stick around for more that 10 months and you can climb the ladder to a well paying manager position quickly (and many offer insurance to full time employees) There are many employment opportunities for a responsible, reliable, eager person, so don't be discouraged. You owe it to your kids and yourself to get out of that marriage soon!. Also, delete any e-mails you receive from this site, including the link they send when you register, and delete your history when you log on, because if he sees any of this he may get violent. good luck to you and be determined Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 Hi there Like you, I have been putting up with a lot of emotional, verbal and the odd piece of physical, violence. We have been married for 3 years and have no children or any real fiscal ties. I need to keep this post of yours to help me find the strength to leave him while we are both young and independent enough to move on with our lives...and before the violence escalates. I really feel for you and thanks for posting...update us soon. Mel x Link to post Share on other sites
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