Re: making improvements

[Tony T]

His remarks about your daughter are not what's upsetting you. Your interpretation and internal response to those remarks is the source of your unhappiness. You are responsible for your feelings.

 

Each time he puts down your daughter, let him know he's already made his point and just move on. You don't need to screw your mind all up with upsetting yourself. Just pay no attention to these remarks or any remarks that upset you because that's not in your best interest.

 

I give you this as a solution because you have already told him to stop degrading your daughter and he has not responded positively.

 

I commend him for paying to have your tattoo removed. I won't even date girls who have tattoos...they are awful, on men and women.

 

I think you have a pretty good guy here so just overlook and don't get upset about those things that you feel are improper. Nobody's perfect as you say.

[arthropod98]

sounds to me like this man is a "fixer", and i'm sure there are no harmful intentions behind what he's doing and saying. also, i'm sure he's worried that it'll be YOU TWO paying for / helping out your daughter in the future.

 

i don't know that you'll simply be able to just "ignore" his comments, especially when he says the same thing over-and-over, and you constantly tell him you don't like it.

 

if you really care for this man, maybe you need to tell him that you're SERIOUSLY bothered by his constant comments -- he possibly doesn't know how much this REALLY bothers you!

 

but, i'd also take into consideration some of the things he's saying, and let him know that . . . do you want to be paying for your daughter and grand-daughter for the rest of your life??

 

people are sometimes just not good at "helping", and they come off as arrogant -- that may truly be the case, or it may not. what you can't have is someone constantly trying to "fix" or "change" you . . . only YOU can do that!!

 

good luck, and sit down and have a SERIOUS conversation about your issues -- if you both love each other, you'll BOTH really listen and compromises will be made!

my fiance has been trying to make a point to my daughter and my self about making improvements in our lives, career wise. he thinks my daughter (20) can do so much to improve her self by just trying harder. he does not realize that she has a child to take care and that day care for her is hard to come by. she was getting financial help for day care but has recently lost that because she lost her job through no fault of her own. he puts her down (to me) with little comments that she don't want to work, that she is lazy, etc.. anyway, i have a job at this pet store and he wants me to go to school for computer web design which i would love to do at some time but not right now. i feel so inadequate lately that nothing i do is going to make him happy unless it is what he wants me to do and this is not right. i tell/told him that maybe he should find someone more to his liking then, he says "no, i want you, i love you". well to me it seems that he wants to change me too much. he is paying to have my teeth fixed and a tattoo removed from my arm, buys me new/nice/feminine clothes, and swears his undying love for me. anything and everything i'm sure other women would love, but this putting down my daughter, indirectly, to me, is hurting me, and i asked again to please stop. i tell him, that she is still my daughter, and he says that she don't do nothing to improve herself. well that is her choice. it must be so rough to be so perfect, that is what i tell him. anything i can tell him to back off my daughter? i always defend her, he doesn't say these things in a mean way, just off handedly. thanks for any suggestions other then sticking a sock in his mouth?

[Carrie]

It could be two different things.

 

If YOU are the one that wants to become a web designer, because it's a suggestion you made, then he's just trying to support your dream/goal. If you're the one that wants to remove the tattoo, fix your teeth, dress differently, then again, he's just supporting what YOU want, which is a good thing and the fact that he's willing to pay makes him an incredible boyfriend. You could also look at when he's "nagging" you, it could be upsetting you because maybe he's hitting a soft spot. Maybe you also feel that you could be doing much more with yourself, along with your daughter and maybe he feels that you keep making excuses and putting up unnecessary boundaries for yourself, because you're scared, have low self-esteem and don't know where to start. The first step is always the hardest and maybe he knows that. When a kid has just graduated from college, their mother and father may nag them to death and ask them what they're going to do with their life. Then they may say "You can't just sit around and watch TV all day, why don't you get a newspaper and start looking for a job." My parents used to do this to me when I was younger. I hated them so much for it, but they were right. When they brought it to my attention, they were just confirming what I already knew. The more they nagged, the guiltier I felt, the more I got angry and resented them. Finally, I started doing stuff little by little, because I got sick of hearing my head think and my parents nagging, and now I'm on my own and I'm proud of what I'm doing with my life. They are too.

 

Or is it&

 

If these are all HIS suggestions (removing the tattoo, becoming a web designer, etc.), then he's just trying to make you into something HE wants -- which is unfair and he may love and care for you, but not for who and what you are. "I Love you, Your perfect, now change." If these are all HIS suggestions, then you should take a look at his life. Why is he trying to be a savior (or what he thinks is saving)? What are his REAL issues that he feels inadequate with his life that he has to stay pre-occupied by fixing someone else's to avoid his own issues. In this case, he's not going to change, because he'll always be trying to change you and your daughter. He's not your father or your daughter's father. Once you finally do something more with your life (as he puts it) will he then find other things that you're going to need to change or will he move on to someone else that will "need his help". You're not his Eliza Doolittle from My Fair Lady.

 

Anyway, whatever the case, you need to do what's best for you. If you are putting up boundaries for yourself, which are preventing you from doing what you really want to do, then you've got to realize it and listen to this man. Your daughter may also be doing the same thing, and he may be realizing that too. Take that first little step and stop saying, "Oh I don't have the money or time and neither does my daughter." Where there's a will, there's a way. That saying is 100% true. Stop letting your fears get in the way of living your life the way you really want to-- it's just too short. No one's going to laugh at you for trying and possibly failing, but they may if you don't at least try.