Cheated on - overreacting?

[maurtini86]

I've been with my girlfriend for a little over a year now. A while ago, she revealed that she cheated on me three months into the relationship. We both went home for winter break, and we live several states away, so we didn't see each other for a month. At a New Year's Eve party, she got drunk and went upstairs with a guy and gave him a handjob. Offered a blowjob, but didn't follow through. She told me she was just drunk and lonely, and he was just there saying what he wanted to hear. She also said she wasn't sure about us then, but she is now, and she's sorry and she loves me and she'll never do it again.

 

Obviously, this isn't as bad as it could have been, but I can't stop thinknig about it. It really hurts that she did that, and I feel guilty that I can't trust her anymore. It makes me feel sick that she wanted someone else while she was with me (which she denies, but how could she have not?). She's upset about it as well, and we talk about it when I'm feeling particularly insecure, but it doesn't really help, and I still get nervous and jealous every time she goes out.

 

I don't know how to feel better about this. I'm especially bothered that she did this with a guy (if I haven't mentioned it yet, I'm female). I would talk to her about my jealousy, In her last relationship, she had trust issues with her girlfriend, so she gets very upset when I confess I'm worried about her cheating again. I don't want to change her, either, so I can't tell her to stop drinking or partying. I also don't want to talk about it with any of my friends, because I don't want them to feel sorry for me, and I hate pity. (I also don't want them to stop liking her.)

 

This has never happened to me or any of my friends before, so I can't tell whether or not I'm overreacting. We were friends for years before we started dating, so I don't want to lose her, but I just don't know how to get over this. Do you think I'm overreacting? If so, what should I do to let it go? Or if not... any advice?

 

Thanks.

[Cecelius]

I have no ability to comment on the other issue that applies to this context, BUT in my humble opinion it takes a lot more active participation for a girl to perform that kind of sex act than to merely let something happen (ie, if he'd had sex with her). To me, the handjob is clear proof of willful cheating.

[RecordProducer]

I think she shows some signs of real regret and she loves you so you should just relax and trust her. If you find any reasons not to trust her - OK, but right now you have none.

 

By the way, you got all that information from HER, right? So she was honest and admitted everything. Just look at it from this point of view: you were not exclusive at the time.

 

I had a friend who told me that her GF cheated on her with both men and women. She was upset and said she understood about the men - she wanted some cock - but she didn't understand why she cheated with women.

 

I'd say trust your GF, relax, and enjoy your love.

[SadGreenEyes]

As the old saying goes, and stands true time after time -

Once a cheater, always a cheater

 

Once you lose trust in your SO, it's so hard to regain that trust.

Please think about this and protect your heart

 

Good Luck

[MarnieGirl]

As the old saying goes, and stands true time after time -

Once a cheater, always a cheater

 

Once you lose trust in your SO, it's so hard to regain that trust.

Please think about this and protect your heart

 

Good Luck

 

which is not always true.

 

it's true you might not trust someone who cheated on you ever again, but cheating once doesn't guarantee you'll cheat again, sorry. that's not a statment you can classify as true or false, seeing as it varies from situation to situation.

[Babylonia Beaune]

My husband had an affair which devastated my life--for awhile. Last October I discovered it. To my intense jealousy, she was so gorgeous my confidence was shattered, even though my very job you might say is being sexy and good-looking myself. Being deceived is harmful to one's outlook on life and persists for a very long time. I myself I deceived him several times--but only with women (I was thoroughly horny and thinking that was not really cheating and I was never "involved"). Why? Because he ignored me and made sex incredibly dull even after I told him about my needs and begged him to change. I thought this fantastically strange as I'm quite open for anything and for the longest while did everything I could to interest him in sex with me. Anyway, for years I put up with it and endured then decided at least I could have a woman tidy me up once in awhile. I would have told him but thought "Would he like to hear of someone touching me?" Now, I wish I had told him all the lurid details and hurt him as bad as his affair with her hurt me. Advice to cheaters: don't confess and hurt your partner! Love them. And if you don't like sex with them, tell them why not and if you have to, get a divorce.

[Spectre]

 

it's true you might not trust someone who cheated on you ever again, but cheating once doesn't guarantee you'll cheat again, sorry. that's not a statment you can classify as true or false, seeing as it varies from situation to situation.

 

 

But, it doesnt change the fact that this person cannot possibly love you if they would do that to you, and if they claim they do its just a sick twisted version of a crush, cuz you know..you don't cheat on someone you love.

[Spectre]

This has never happened to me or any of my friends before, so I can't tell whether or not I'm overreacting. We were friends for years before we started dating, so I don't want to lose her, but I just don't know how to get over this. Do you think I'm overreacting? If so, what should I do to let it go? Or if not... any advice?

 

 

 

You aren't overreacting in the least bit. Cheating is bad, some people like to wait before they tell their partner because they think the more time that passes the less it will hurt, bulls***. If I was with a chick 20 years and she revealed 19 years ago she cheated on me? She'd be gone, cuz I would have been living a lie.

 

Thats what you've been doing for the last 3 months, living a lie. Everytime you shared an intimate moment, said I love you, etc. She has shown that she isnt the right person for you by doing this. You might wanna forgive her cuz you love her, but you have to realize she would not of done this if she loved you, sure she might of said she wasn't "sure" about you, but so? that doesnt mean you cheat, even if she wasnt sure, her cheating shows she had absolutely no respect for you as a person, to not only cheat but make you look like a fool by not telling you for 3 months. I would personally leave her.

[MarnieGirl]

But, it doesnt change the fact that this person cannot possibly love you if they would do that to you, and if they claim they do its just a sick twisted version of a crush, cuz you know..you don't cheat on someone you love.

 

okay, i understand what you're saying here, but it has nothing to do with "once a cheater, always a cheater" which is what i am contesting.

 

and i do think it's possible to cheat on someone you love. i think it's stupid, and selfish, and not the brightest idea for a solution, but i do think people make mistakes sometimes. you don't have to believe it, that's your choice, but don't paint everyone with your brush.

[rkman]

Really it's more like;

 

"Once a cheater, always a cheater", until properly punished.

 

It's hard being the trailblaser for all these immature people, but that's another lesson for yourself to learn.

[MarnieGirl]

Really it's more like;

 

"Once a cheater, always a cheater", until properly punished.

 

It's hard being the trailblaser for all these immature people, but that's another lesson for yourself to learn.

 

punishment won't usually do anything to a cheater. he or she has to change him/herself. sometimes the change just happens on its own.

[Cecelius]

Isn't the punishment to be dumped? Surely they have to change on their own, but it's unlikely that they will bother to change if they get away with it.

[rkman]

Isn't the punishment to be dumped? Surely they have to change on their own, but it's unlikely that they will bother to change if they get away with it.

 

Precisely.

[MarnieGirl]

Precisely.

 

really? i would think a person cheating would think of the dumping as almost being set free, no more having to explain, no more sneaking around and lying. in some cases, i don't know, maybe.

 

i know a lot of people are automatically regretful and apologetic and want to work things out, but some cheating people are really unhappy and just don't know how to end the relationship. it wouldn't be a punishment then.

 

and if either of the two in a relationship make it all about punishment, it won't be long before that ends the relationship as well.

[SadGreenEyes]

Posted by MarnieGirl

okay, i understand what you're saying here, but it has nothing to do with "once a cheater, always a cheater" which is what i am contesting.

 

and i do think it's possible to cheat on someone you love. i think it's stupid, and selfish, and not the brightest idea for a solution, but i do think people make mistakes sometimes. you don't have to believe it, that's your choice, but don't paint everyone with your brush.

 

Marnie - Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I have never been cheated on personally, nor have I cheated.

I know people who have, and their track records stand true. Once they do it and get away with it, they do it again....and not necessarily with the same people.

Im not accusing everyone of this - however, I believe that if you can do it once, you can certainly do it again, and probably will.

 

Yea, people make mistakes, I'll give you that - we're only human, no one is perfect. But, once involved with someone, stand true to your SO. Would you like to be cheated on? Why would you do it then? It hurts Im sure.

I pride myself on my monogomy and loyalty and would grant my SO the courtesy of breaking up with him if I should decide to stray.

What's wrong with using your head? Not you inparticular, but people in general?

It's wrong, plain and simple. Mistake or not!

Im not painting everyone with MY brush, Im just stating MHO.

Cheat once - never to be trusted again, period! Will it happen again? Who knows, but I wont stay around to find out, thats for damn sure. Find another fool!

SGE

[MarnieGirl]

however, I believe that if you can do it once, you can certainly do it again, and probably will.

 

 

SGE

 

that's the only thing i take issue with. i can understand that a person who was cheated on by a perticular person would expect that they do it again. i am not saying by any means that i would forgive a cheater. but that doesn't make every person who screwed up once a serial cheater. it doesn't seem to happen often, but some people do learn from their mistakes.

[SadGreenEyes]

but that doesn't make every person who screwed up once a serial cheater. it doesn't seem to happen often, but some people do learn from their mistakes...

 

I understand what you are saying, but once that trust is broken, it's hard to turn back and completely forgive that person who cheated on you and would probably suspect him/her doing it again.

What kind of way is that to exist?

Im not saying EVERYONE who cheats is a serial cheater, but I wouldnt sit around to find out or let it happen again.

Yes, people make mistakes, yes some do learn from them...I know Ive made a few and learned from my own experiences, but when it comes to cheating - that is something I could and would never forgive, but that's just me.

No hard feelings

SGE

[amerikajin]

I don't know if 'once a cheater, always a cheater' is an ironclad rule, but I'd say there's a fairly high probability of a relapse somewhere down the road.

 

However, that's not always the case. I know one guy whose father cheated on his wife about ten years into their marriage, and they later worked it out and became happily married. He was saying it was the best thing that happened to their marriage in some respects, if you believe him. Personally, I can think of better ways to open a relationship, but sometimes, the shock of an affair can work in strange ways with some couples. It just depends on the couple.

 

I think this particular couple was old fashioned and wanted to work things out no matter what, but you'd be hard-pressed to find that kind of attitude these days, though. That's because our society has focused so much on the act of cheating that we have forgotten that cheating is borne out of some sort of negativity already existing in the marriage. Which is not to say that cheating should be condoned - it shouldn't be. But it's to say that we too often focus on the end result (cheating) and not what preceded the infidelity in the first place, which is something that also needs to be looked at.