sirjay Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Opinions needed please! Recap: was with my GF for 3 years but living with my ex in another city (was broke and depressed, didnt want to give up the security). She got tired of waiting for me to move out and broke up with me 4 months ago. I said i would move for her etc but she said she wanted me to do it for myself and didnt want any pressure, wouldnt make any promises etc. She told me she loved me more than anyone else she had ever been with. Breaking up hurt her as badly as it did me. i don't feel like we ever did the relationship properly and there is something much better that is possible. we are super compatible and understand each other in a way that no one else does. She wanted to be "best friends", but it was too soon and there was a lot of problems - i chased her too much, she pushed me back with harsh words, i got hurt etc. I cut off contact altogether 5 weeks ago. The last time i saw her, she was telling me how nice i looked etc, she left something sentimental on top of my gear that i came to pick up. I have my life sorted out - got my independence back, moved cities, new job, got my own place etc. Changed my lifestyle, everything. A new man. I sent out a business email recently to my mailing list. Forgot she was on it. She replied out of the blue, even though there was really no reason to at all to what was an impersonal newsletter. Her email was quite cold and guarded, just saying she couldnt make the even but hoped i was well. i replied cautiously just saying that my new life was going well, it had been good for me to have some time out of relationships to get sorted out, i hoped she was well. she replied immediately with a nice email telling me the exciting things she'd be up to. I think the two messages were kind of us going: yeah, i'm fine without you, look how good my life is. maybe a touch competitive, her reply. she said we should speak soon. i miss her like crazy and i really cant ever see us just being friends. i dont know what her agenda really is. its either that she does just want that or that she wanted to back off, take some time out of relationships and see if i did what i said i was going to do (which i have) so not sure how to play it now or whether i am hanging on for no reason? Link to post Share on other sites
panthera_leo Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Hey sirjay. I've read a few of your posts and it sounds like your break up is rather similar to mine - although there are different reasons behind it. Your ex wants to be best friends. Just like mine :/ I'll be totally honest with you. If thats what she says she wants... then thats JUST it. There's no alternative motive, she just wants to be your "good friend" - for now at least. Its up to you whether or not you can deal with that. My ex and i were together for 2 years and have been broken up now for 4 months. We've had pretty much no contact for all that time. He said he wanted to be "good friends" for a year or so and then get back together when he's done what he needs to do (Yeah he's a bit of a fool ) i told him that i wasn't prepared to wait around. Even though there may be a chance for reconciliation later on down the line if im his friend... i cant put myself through the pain. He messaged me about a month ago saying he hoped we could be friends and wanted to chat... so i did. I thought maybe i could be his friend... but seriously... there's no chance. It delays the moving on process and i found myself feeling like crap all the time. However, I dont regret speaking to him as it did make me realise that i dont need him in my life. It made me realise how far i had come. The last i heard from him was a through bulk email sent to all of his friends and family. I ignored it. I think it may be the same in your situation. Dont settle for crumbs of her attention. Save yourself the hurt and dont contact her..ignore any contact made by her. Dont fall into a trap where you start questioning why she contacted you or... what does she want. Your at the point where you should be moving forwards with your life. You'll gradually start feeling better when you cut her from your life and stop hoping or wondering. She may want to be your best friend... but you really cant deal with that. Its either all or nothing. Stay strong and keep us posted Link to post Share on other sites
rkman Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 I think it may be the same in your situation. Dont settle for crumbs of her attention. Save yourself the hurt and dont contact her..ignore any contact made by her. Dont fall into a trap where you start questioning why she contacted you or... what does she want. Your at the point where you should be moving forwards with your life. You'll gradually start feeling better when you cut her from your life and stop hoping or wondering. I couldn't have said it better myself. No matter what you do, you need a woman who will stand by you and support you when s*** hits the fan. If she gives up. I tried the whole friends thing with my ex. When she moved out, she'd call me only when she wanted to know how to do something. Ironically, she was looking to learn indepence yet calling me, depending on me, for all these little details. I finally got fed up and told her I didn't want to speak with her anymore and why that was. She was upset but somehow manipulated me into talking to her like I was her best friend. Then I just came to realize, if we're hanging out, talking, that I would never be able to get over my feelings for her and never be able to see anyone else because of it. I reitterated the NC at the end of our conversation and hope not to hear from her for a long while. It's felt bad, but the reality is that she f***ed up. She made her decisions for herself and she will have to live with them. Now I have to look inward and make the decisions that are best for me. Its either all or nothing. Precisely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sirjay Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 Hi thanks for your support, both of you I guess you are right. Its just that it really was entirely my fault that it didnt work out, i hurt her a lot. i am kind of clinging on to the idea that she will change her mind when she sees i have got my life together. is that stupid of me? i am finding it super hard to let go because we never did it properly, it was always a long distance thing with this tension that i was living with my ex. it could be 100x better... one of my friends thinks this recent contact is just a power thing, because i cut her off in the end and she didnt like that i had the final say, so to speak. i did kind of feel that the last 2 messages were a bit like us saying: yeah, i'm fine without you. the things that make it hard to let go of it is that she did exactly the same thing last year and it was a game to try to get me to make changes but we got back together too quickly. i also know that she got back with her ex after he had gotten his independence sorted out. i dont want to keep hanging on to hope but i cant seem to let it go either. she has given me so many mixed messages and i do feel responsible for it. its not like i am an innocent party and i really hoped i could show her i had gotten my life sorted out. she waited 3 years for me, its a long time and i cant be mad at her knowing that... Link to post Share on other sites
rkman Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Hi thanks for your support, both of you I guess you are right. Its just that it really was entirely my fault that it didnt work out, i hurt her a lot. i am kind of clinging on to the idea that she will change her mind when she sees i have got my life together. is that stupid of me? i am finding it super hard to let go because we never did it properly, it was always a long distance thing with this tension that i was living with my ex. it could be 100x better... one of my friends thinks this recent contact is just a power thing, because i cut her off in the end and she didnt like that i had the final say, so to speak. i did kind of feel that the last 2 messages were a bit like us saying: yeah, i'm fine without you. 1) Believe me, I did a lot of s*** that hurt her. I feel bad for what I did, but I did make the effort to make amends for those things. In the end, she gave up on me for herself. Again, I then had to let her go to do what's best for me. 2) It's exactly that, a power thing. If you want the real power, look to yourself. It's up to you to be strong in yourself, that's the real power. 3) That tis the lesson. That is why it is so important to discover the correct method for communicating in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
BrandonBP Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 i am kind of clinging on to the idea that she will change her mind when she sees i have got my life together. is that stupid of me? No, I feel the same way, too. I hope that she'll see me and see that I've really done all the things I said I was going to do with my life. Maybe she'll like those things and see that I'm a good dude and am someone that she wants to be with again. Maybe it is indeed stupid of both of us to feel that way, but I think it's human nature to hold out hope for someone that you love dearly. Link to post Share on other sites
Lollie72 Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 Opinions needed please! Recap: was with my GF for 3 years but living with my ex in another city (was broke and depressed, didnt want to give up the security). She got tired of waiting for me to move out and broke up with me 4 months ago. I said i would move for her etc but she said she wanted me to do it for myself and didnt want any pressure, wouldnt make any promises etc. She told me she loved me more than anyone else she had ever been with. Breaking up hurt her as badly as it did me. i don't feel like we ever did the relationship properly and there is something much better that is possible. we are super compatible and understand each other in a way that no one else does. She wanted to be "best friends", but it was too soon and there was a lot of problems - i chased her too much, she pushed me back with harsh words, i got hurt etc. I cut off contact altogether 5 weeks ago. The last time i saw her, she was telling me how nice i looked etc, she left something sentimental on top of my gear that i came to pick up. I have my life sorted out - got my independence back, moved cities, new job, got my own place etc. Changed my lifestyle, everything. A new man. I sent out a business email recently to my mailing list. Forgot she was on it. She replied out of the blue, even though there was really no reason to at all to what was an impersonal newsletter. Her email was quite cold and guarded, just saying she couldnt make the even but hoped i was well. i replied cautiously just saying that my new life was going well, it had been good for me to have some time out of relationships to get sorted out, i hoped she was well. she replied immediately with a nice email telling me the exciting things she'd be up to. I think the two messages were kind of us going: yeah, i'm fine without you, look how good my life is. maybe a touch competitive, her reply. she said we should speak soon. i miss her like crazy and i really cant ever see us just being friends. i dont know what her agenda really is. its either that she does just want that or that she wanted to back off, take some time out of relationships and see if i did what i said i was going to do (which i have) so not sure how to play it now or whether i am hanging on for no reason? You told her what a great life you now have without her! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sirjay Posted June 24, 2006 Author Share Posted June 24, 2006 You told her what a great life you now have without her! Yes, because no one is attracted to someone who is all needy and not getting on with their life. i tried telling her all of that before and it was just a turn off. i AM loving my new life and my new self, but i do want her to be a part of it. Link to post Share on other sites
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