My therapy session today

[ConfusedGal]

For those who have been following my posts, I went to see my psychiatrist today. I kept talking about how I want to move. How my husband doesnt understand all the baggage I have due to my family history...And how I want to run away. I think I hit a dead end. My therapist was like Well, we spent most of the sessions talking about your mom. Then we spent the last two focusing on your marriage and how your husband doesnt understand. I think the issue is your marriage! I completely disagree with this...The reason I behave the way I do in my marriage is due to the issues I have had with my mom. I want to move away because I want to get AWAY from her, which in turn annoys my husband cause he thinks im being unrealistic. So for the first time, I didnt agree with my therapist...

 

So I talked about my vision a bit. And we hit a dead end. All she could say was, well, make it happen eventually. So thats it. It hit me. I cannot pick up my stuff and move to CA right now. I am here. Me whining and complaining and telling my husband this will only aggravate him. And it will get me nowhere. I am only making myself (and him) unhappy by telling him how I want to move. We will when we can.

 

I need to shut up and live with it. Because nothing will come out of my complaining. I realized that during my therapy session when she hit a dead end. If I am scared of the future, too freakin bad. If I am afraid of the reactions my mom will have, I need to deal with it the best way I can. If I am scared of my parents and inlaws fighting when my inlaws come down to visit I need to deal with it when they come down.

 

Basically, Ineed to shut up and deal, and do things to make my life better until it is a time I can make my vision a reality. Meanwhile, there is no point complaining.

[Becoming]

It's a pain to grow up, huh?

 

My H and I are currently in discussions about what we want life to be in the future and how we can get there from here because here ain't so great right now. And there are kids and college educations that are imminent that will impede progress to that vision.

 

Life's just life. There are always gonna be problems; it's what we decide we want to do with what we've been dealt as best we can that makes all the difference. No H., no particular family, no friend, no therapist can do this for us, as much as we might like that to happen.

 

Applause to you for dealing with your issues by facing them in therapy. Therapists get things wrong sometimes. When you tell them that, it's how they respond that makes the difference. If they respect your point of view, you can work with them. If they don't, find another. They may be perfectly fine, just not for you at this point.

 

And you're probably right about H and complaints. But do talk to him rationally when the time is right.

[ConfusedGal]

I have spoken with him about it. He said we will work on making it happen. What I didnt like in therapy was her saying that it was like "I married my parents" because he sounded like a dictator. This is COMPLETELY untrue. If he was a dictator he wouldnt have tried for me the first time around...The problem is not my marriage. Its me learning to deal with my baggage so i can focus on the marriage...Its me saying "Life isnt always perfect. So i have learned lessons and I need to live each day and move forward."

[basscatcher]

What I didnt like in therapy was her saying that it was like "I married my parents" because he sounded like a dictator.

Sometimes, as I have found with myself, I will put emphasize on one thing (or person) that I convince others that is the problem when in reality is not. Its my fault that I misdirected the listener because I wasn't facing reality and sharing what that truth was. I put my focus elsewhere and highlighted that while talking and lead the listener astray..

'could this be what you did that made your therapist think its your marriage and not your mom?"

Therapy is only as good as much as you are open, honest, and focused. This is why I give so many details when I write. The more info I give the better others can understand.

 

Its me learning to deal with my baggage so i can focus on the marriage...

No matter where we are at in life there is always baggage. Some of it we can work through, some of it there is no working through we just need to accept it where its at, leave it there and move forward. "leave it sitting at the train station when you jump on the train---so-to-speak."

 

No one can change the past. We can only learn from it and look forward.

[Mz. Pixie]

CG-

 

If you're uncomfortable with the therapist or think she's not helping then you should find another one.

 

IMO- you have way too many issues with your mom to get taken care of in a couple of sessions. She needs to dig down deep into what's going on.

 

One thing I will tell you. You said that your therapist said that you married your parents?? There may be alot of truth to that statement. Let me tell you why I say that.

 

When I got married the first time I married a selfish person. The only thing he ever did was take take take from me and never give back. I didn't fully wrap my head around that fact until I had a major life crisis, I was older, and was counseling with my pastor. He said, "Your mother was selfish- and you turned around and married a man that didn't know how to not be selfish"

 

I just got to the point where I couldn't tolerate it- ONE-MORE-MINUTE.

 

When I got in therapy this time- to deal with PTSD and all my childhood issues we touched a bit on my affair and divorce and such. My therapist said that he wasn't surprised- that the first major relationship of a woman's life when she has been a victim of childhood sexual abuse fails.

 

At a later session he ended by saying that I really shouldn't feel guilty because the marriage would have ended at one time or another. That I couldn't stay married to someone who was selfish like that- no matter how hard I tried- because it was just like being married to my mother in ways. Not that my exhusband was mentally ill- just incredibly selfish. He said I needed to be married to someone who would be more giving and supportive and that it was perfectly natural to seek that out after a life crisis etc.

 

I'm not saying that your husband is- but I do believe sometimes we marry what we are used to in ways- and that sometimes we aren't aware of it until later in life. We can't see it.

 

I think counseling where your husband goes- and heres the therapists facts about your mom might help him understand where you're coming from as well.

[sugarplum]

I am new around here, so I haven't been following. Your post put an ache in my heart though. It sounds like you feel sort of trapped and can't talk to anyone. I hate that feeling. I hate having something to say, but no one to say it to because I feel I should "shut up and quit complaining". If you have no one to vent to, get a journal and vent there. And get another opinion if you think the pychiatrist is wrong. I hope it works out for you. Even if I don't completely know what "it" is.

[Becoming]

Truth is, most of us marry a combination of parental traits--for good and ill. We just don't see it for awhile.

 

You can love your H even tho he may be as domineering as your mother but in a good way. That may be all the therapist was trying to say. The real question at that point, then, is why you allow yourself to be dominated by others.

[ConfusedGal]

Hi all,

 

Thanks for the responses. I honestly dont think my husband is dominating. Most of the stuff he has done has been more according to my wishes than his. And unlike with my parents, I cant express my opinion with him. Now he may not agree, but he has a right to not agree. He tried to move for me. I MESSED that up out of my own fears and stupidity and not trusting of my decisions. So I need to give him some room and time here, and just go with his gut for awhile. So my psychiatrist said "SO what?? You guys take turns?? Thats not how it should work. You need to come up with a joint vision." This all makes sense but is not so simple...I may sound childish but his vision is fine for me, as long as its not HERE. If its in CA or something, him and I share the same vision. I just cant imagine us living here. I find the need to get away and experience something else...But basically, me always complaining and getting depressed about being here wont help. Because we ARE here....

 

LAst night my mom started giving her indirect examples of how daughters always take care of their parents again. I was very aggravated when I got off the phone...And was like "See?? Thats WHY I want to move!" and then I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and emptied my mind. It kind of helped...I need to deal...I will have to deal with a lot more intense situations being here. I need to be prepared without overthinking it...

 

But I DO know, eventually I NEED my vision to be a reality. And I do hope that my husband respects and understands that. When I say "my vision" I am not talking about winning 5 million dollars or anything unrealistic. I am just asking, that we find great jobs out in CA (my ideal spot but I will settle for elsewhere) and move somewhere. That will help my mind big time...But I need to give that vision time I suppose.

 

And I hope I DONT sound like a child, because I have reasons for feeling the way I do. I want a peaceful life with my husband wth limited drama. In order to do that, i DO feel its the best for both of us to be far away... And I will work towards that happening...

[Mz. Pixie]

Ask your mom which parents are taken care of by their daughters.

 

Is she an invalid?? Is she talking financially or emotionally???

 

I think she's going by a throwback from the old country or something. Sure if she was starving you'd feed her. You do not need to be there 24/7 for her though.

[hotgurl]

confusedgal,

maybe make a a poster or something even just start a journal of what your vision is. Than talk to your hubby and make sure it's a joint vision and than make a list.

 

the write a list of all the things that you need to do to acheive that vision etc.. and than start doing it. By crossing things off the list you know your working towards your furture goal and it might help not feeling so down and trapped where you are. Things take time. You could also start a gratitude journal so your not so focused on the negative aspets of your life as it stands.

 

But at the same time still work on coping with your mom because not matter where you go she is always phone call away. Plus if you work things out now you will be stronger when it comes to dealing with her and her grandchildren(your kids). I can just magine what a nightmare that could be when you have children. Because you don't want to have your kids witness thier grandma upsetting thier mom all the time.

[ConfusedGal]

My mom makes up examples of great daughters who spend soooo much on their parents blah blah. Whatever. It's not from the old country. The old country (India) actually says to let your daughters go. Sons are supposed to take care of their parents... My brother lives across the country and doesn't do jack.

 

I visited Mom yesterday. There is no use in arguing with her. She started with this whole "Well, if you love someone, you defend them all the time even if they are wrong. You never think someone you love is wrong..." Whatever... Implying that I should always defend her with my husband. Not worth the argument or discussion. This is the time I nodded and said I am sleepy. I am going to bed. What was very interesting however, was my mom saying she hopes my Dad gets a "golden handshake" from his company (there are rumors many people will get it) so he can look for another job in a different state. She said she was sick of this place and would love to move somewhere warmer for a couple years, maybe to Seattle where my brother lives!! (hehehhehehehehe!) So that would just ROCK if it happened!

 

I do agree my husband and i need to have a joint vision. I need to discuss that with him. Men are so difficult to discuss these things with sometimes though. They are like "Do we have to talk about EVERYTHING ALL the time? Cant we just let things HAPPEN?"

 

I need a more detailed vision though...

[Mz. Pixie]

So, she's upset because you're not paying for stuff for her or giving her money??

 

My mom tried telling me that my exhusband (husband at the time) was going to have to cut her grass when she got sick. Now, keep in mind I had a stepfather and a half brother- and the half brother didn't have a job. I said,

"Oh, no, he works at my house, not yours and you have two other men over there that can do it":lmao:

[ConfusedGal]

I dont know. She always hints (ok, outright says!) about daughters who support their parents financially AND emotionally AND in every other way. And then after giving her million examples she is like "Just general conversation." Arghhhh!

[Mz. Pixie]

I used to go to church with a man from India and his son bought him a new car when he needed it once. But, again, that's a son, not a daughter.

 

My mom used to call me when she was in the hospital- which was at least once a month- and ask me to send her a fruit basket. Well those things are expensive. I said "I'll bring you some fruit, but I'm not paying $50.00 for a tiny fruit basket everytime you're in the hospital" That when my stepdad was up there sitting on his ass not doing a thing in the room and I was working a full time job and had two kids.

[Becoming]

Can I say something obvious? Just because someone wants something from us doesn't mean we have to give it to them.

 

You can say no. No one will die.

[basscatcher]

Ughh. I could'nt tolerate what you are dealing with.

I would put my mother right in her spot on the spot.

 

I wasn't raised with different cultural ethics though. My gfs xbfs mother is like this., She controls every aspect of her sons lives. Even the women they are involved with. She will do whatever it takes to make her boys do as she says including putting curses on the women if her son won't get rid of the woman.

She is controlling.

 

I couldn't live with that. I'm too independant and I do my own things. I use to get pissed off at my xh because when he mother or father asked him to do something he always jumped. (even cancel our (him, his son and me)plans to help them when it could have waited or his brother could have helped them.)

 

This is America. There is freedom here. Slavery was banned years ago.

I just couldn't tolerate if my mother was telling me I had to take care of her. Thats why we have nursing homes and assisted living. I live in a apartment. What is it going to hurt if she does too? She will make friends who live next door and in the building. She wont be alone she will always be able to find company. She will have activites to keep her busy.

 

I feel you.. Either you are going to have to accept your mothers values and ideals or you will have to stand up to her and proclaim your beliefs and stick to them.

[quankanne]

I dont know. She always hints (ok, outright says!) about daughters who support their parents financially AND emotionally AND in every other way. And then after giving her million examples she is like "Just general conversation."

 

and your comeback should be, "yes, those women who have close friendships with their mothers/fathers do those kinds of things, and not all of us have that type of relationship with their parents."

 

there are people who command our respect, and there are those who demand it. Don't feel you must give something you don't have to someone you feel doesn't deserve it. You've got to be strong enough to put your foot down when it needs to be put down. Otherwise you're gonna be really, really miserable, and for what? A fussy, bossy old lady you already resent? You're not a bad daughter for refusing to jump each time she demands it ...

[Mz. Pixie]

CG is caught up in a cycle of guilt like most daughters of mothers with BPD.

It's natural and something that can only be broken with practice.

 

It hurts her to hear those things but yet she hates it at the same time. She hasn't figured out yet how to not listen to it. She will........