PhoenixRising Posted November 17, 2001 Share Posted November 17, 2001 We work together. He doesn't want people at work to know about our relationship, even though we've been together almost 2 years. A couple of women have hit on him at work. One of them is still trying. I noticed her body language a while back, and it indicated that she likes him. I told him I was concerned about this, and he responded that although he enjoys their work relationship, he is not interested in her and I have nothing to worry about. She tried to hook up with him a few times (calling him at home, inviting him out for a drink, etc), but he firmly declined each time. I think she thinks I just like him and has taken to giving me dirty looks at work. Very unprofessional and annoying. Having to see women hitting on him literally in front of my face has been really frustrating. Although he has been handling it well, I think that if our relationship was out in the open, it would eliminate most of these incidences - knowing that someone is attached and that their partner is nearby is a deterrent. A few times I felt compelled to be a little more "friendly" with him when she's around (you should see the sour look on her face when I do that) and I've even let something "slip" in front of the office gossip. The day he turned down her invitation for a drink, I'm sure she heard all about some of the activities we do outside of work together. She has since chilled out a bit. I have received all kinds of advice from friends about this: "Just be open about your relationship and if he doesn't like it, too bad." "Give him an ultimatum. Tell people or else you'll leave." "Have someone else leak out the information so that he won't blame you." "Break up with him - this BS is not worth it." "Wait til he is ready to let people know." This has been a subject that has repeatedly come up and irritated both of us. We're supposed to get together and try to resolve it once and for all, but I just don't know how to approach it. I don't know what to do anymore. Any ideas out there?? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted November 17, 2001 Share Posted November 17, 2001 Dating people you work with is not a good idea most of the time. Whether co-workers know about this or not, there are difficulties. He's right in a lot of ways for wanting to keep this relationship quiet. You're right in a lot of ways for wanting it to go public. Ultimately, the world will know. Have a good talk with your guy and have him restate the reasons he feels your togetherness should not be shared with co-workers. Talk about it with each other. If he makes a good enough argument for being closed-mouthed, respect that. If he doesn't make a good enough argument and you decide to go against his wishes and go public, you can pretty much count on him terminating the relationship. Frankly, I think the scale tips in favor of keeping things quiet for now. If it doesn't work out between the two of you, things will be lots easier for you at work if others know nothing. It says a great deal about him that he does not respond to the advances of others. And if you think those would stop completely if people knew the two of you were an item, you obviously aren't up to date on modern morals, ethics...or, rather, lack thereof. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising Posted November 17, 2001 Share Posted November 17, 2001 Thanks for your response. Just to clarify something about our work environment, it is very relaxed and there are several relationships going on, openly. One of them being my boss, a woman who is "married" to another woman at work. Our work environment certainly does not discourage relationships, on the contrary. Even our company newspaper encouraged employees to socialize at a company-sponsored event and "maybe even get a date". This leads me to believe his reasons may have more to with a (mis)perception that this would move the relationship to another level. As for people's morals and stuff, yes I am well aware that there are people out there who don't care how committed you are and even if the partner was right next to them, they'd try something. However, the bigger piece of the pie is composed of people who would think twice if they knew. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted November 17, 2001 Share Posted November 17, 2001 Given the additional information which you have offered, it now seems there are other reasons why he may not want this relationship known. You need to find what those are. Something is rotten here if there are no consequences to having a relationship where you work and no embarassment to endure if one breaks up. It seems he has no good reason for keeping this quiet. It would bother me too. The rest of my post still stands. Either you respect his wishes or you make an announcement and blow it. Some people are just private. Frankly, I don't feel it's any of anybody's business in the workplace who I may be dating. Other people are very open and could care less. Everybody's different and you have to respect their feelings. Get to the bottom of this ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
meathead Posted November 17, 2001 Share Posted November 17, 2001 Thanks for your response. Just to clarify something about our work environment, it is very relaxed and there are several relationships going on, openly. One of them being my boss, a woman who is "married" to another woman at work. Our work environment certainly does not discourage relationships, on the contrary. Even our company newspaper encouraged employees to socialize at a company-sponsored event and "maybe even get a date". This leads me to believe his reasons may have more to with a (mis)perception that this would move the relationship to another level. As for people's morals and stuff, yes I am well aware that there are people out there who don't care how committed you are and even if the partner was right next to them, they'd try something. However, the bigger piece of the pie is composed of people who would think twice if they knew. hi, i just want to know how he treat you around friend and familys. does he not want noone to know about you. does his friends and family know about you. it is something to be that way at work. it is somethingelse to be ashaimed of you in public. is he ashaimed for you to be his gf??? Link to post Share on other sites
Laurynn Posted November 17, 2001 Share Posted November 17, 2001 Good questions, meathead. I'd be very curious to know how he treats her outside of the workplace, too.....and whether he's "hush hush" about their relationship to his family, his friends, etc. Laurynn i just want to know how he treat you around friend and familys. does he not want noone to know about you. does his friends and family know about you. it is something to be that way at work. it is somethingelse to be ashaimed of you in public. is he ashaimed for you to be his gf??? Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising Posted November 17, 2001 Share Posted November 17, 2001 No, it's only at work. I met his family about about 3-4 months into the relationship (we've been together almost 2 years.) I get invited over on occasion, and he tells his mother things like "I'm glad you two get along in the kitchen, since one day she might be my wife." All his friends know me - I've been to several parties that his friends have had, and my friends know him. In the street we walk arm in arm, and we are frequently out in public together. This is not an issue. If we're going somewhere after work, he has no problem leaving with me. We've gone on vacation together, however with another close friend of ours from work and his girlfriend. So when we've taken time off it's not just me and him, it's also our friend, making it less suspicious for the not-so-observent. However, I am not supposed to say anything indicating we are having a relationship or behave in any way that gives it away. This is really pointless, since many people already suspect. People often ask one of us if something is going on. He wants me to deny it, although I told him I refused to do this. I will not lie to cover up, I'll say "it's none of your business." We have even been spotted in the supermarket together by a coworker. He also limits our contact at work, even if it is strictly business, for fear that some gesture or a look might give it away. This behavior also counts for events that include people from work (after-work parties, etc.) This has been specially frustrating in those situations I mentioned about women flirting with him in front of me and I can't do anything to make that boundary known. Although he does not respond to their attempts, it's frustrating that they do it in front of me since they don't know his girlfriend is right there. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted November 17, 2001 Share Posted November 17, 2001 hmm It sounds kind of like fun! you can have guys flirting with you right in front of him too, right? ... it can keep the relationship exciting in a way ... but ... is there any chance of getting another job for one of you?? I can see why he wants to keep it hidden and i can see why it's hard to keep it hidden... so... can one of you switch jobs? or maybe work in diff. departments? it sounds like he's really into the relationship, and he is being reasonable about changing the story at work, i think. good luck No, it's only at work. I met his family about about 3-4 months into the relationship (we've been together almost 2 years.) I get invited over on occasion, and he tells his mother things like "I'm glad you two get along in the kitchen, since one day she might be my wife." All his friends know me - I've been to several parties that his friends have had, and my friends know him. In the street we walk arm in arm, and we are frequently out in public together. This is not an issue. If we're going somewhere after work, he has no problem leaving with me. We've gone on vacation together, however with another close friend of ours from work and his girlfriend. So when we've taken time off it's not just me and him, it's also our friend, making it less suspicious for the not-so-observent. However, I am not supposed to say anything indicating we are having a relationship or behave in any way that gives it away. This is really pointless, since many people already suspect. People often ask one of us if something is going on. He wants me to deny it, although I told him I refused to do this. I will not lie to cover up, I'll say "it's none of your business." We have even been spotted in the supermarket together by a coworker. He also limits our contact at work, even if it is strictly business, for fear that some gesture or a look might give it away. This behavior also counts for events that include people from work (after-work parties, etc.) This has been specially frustrating in those situations I mentioned about women flirting with him in front of me and I can't do anything to make that boundary known. Although he does not respond to their attempts, it's frustrating that they do it in front of me since they don't know his girlfriend is right there. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising Posted November 17, 2001 Share Posted November 17, 2001 Why do you think it's a good idea to keep it hidden at work? Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted November 18, 2001 Share Posted November 18, 2001 Because i imagine myself in those shoes and ... i had a class with my boyfriend once, and even that was annoying. when u'r in a professional kind of setting, u dont want personal relationships to interfere. i would personally hate to work with my bf, b/c that way i never get away from him ... work? him... home? him ... AHHH! come on. so even from this side, keeping a distance at work is a good idea... just some thoughts.... Why do you think it's a good idea to keep it hidden at work? Link to post Share on other sites
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