movinon05 Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 For those of you who don't know, I was 7 years with MM and it ended 18 months ago after he promised me he was leaving and then NC'd me without a word. This is totally counter to almost everything I've said for the past few months. I can only think that its a combination of MM reappearing with his gifts after 16 months, his children both about to be in college and out of the house, and now what some of the girls have been posting lately. I want to call him. God help me, I want to call him. I've never thought about calling him ever. I've never broken NC with him without him doing it first. I've never begged. I've never pleaded. But I feel like I need to know. I want to hear him tell me he still loves me. I've been pushing him out of my mind as much as possible for a thousand reasons. I've been dating, feeling stronger and good about myself. But I want HIM. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to be the one who breaks this time. Rather than responding to him with anger when he has come to me in the past, I don't want to be the stronger person anymore. Why can't I be the weaker one for once? Why can't I be the one who breaks down? I'm tired of being so strong. As Shania would say: It only hurts when I breathe. Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 For those of you who don't know, I was 7 years with MM and it ended 18 months ago after he promised me he was leaving and then NC'd me without a word. This is totally counter to almost everything I've said for the past few months. I can only think that its a combination of MM reappearing with his gifts after 16 months, his children both about to be in college and out of the house, and now what some of the girls have been posting lately. I want to call him. God help me, I want to call him. I've never thought about calling him ever. I've never broken NC with him without him doing it first. I've never begged. I've never pleaded. But I feel like I need to know. I want to hear him tell me he still loves me. I've been pushing him out of my mind as much as possible for a thousand reasons. I've been dating, feeling stronger and good about myself. But I want HIM. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to be the one who breaks this time. Rather than responding to him with anger when he has come to me in the past, I don't want to be the stronger person anymore. Why can't I be the weaker one for once? Why can't I be the one who breaks down? I'm tired of being so strong. As Shania would say: It only hurts when I breathe. Movinon...you know what I am going to say, but I'll save it for our date. *BIG HUGS* Link to post Share on other sites
Iwanttohope Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 OMG!...you could've knocked me over with a feather! Has someone broken into your house, tied you up and jumped on the LS board as you?? If this is you, MO, firstly, I'm glad to see you are indeed as human as I am:o I have long envied your ability to shed your pain and move on. Not that I wish you continued pain, but you know what I mean. I always read your posts thinking, what is wrong with me that I can't snap out of it like she has?! I can't imagine that anyone is going to say you aren't allowed to be the weaker one for once--I'm sure not. And if you were to call him that doesn't necessarily mean its to beg and plead... But, first, take a deep breath and talk it through. Has this been building up? Have you been feeling this way for some time and just pushing it down? Has something triggered it all of the sudden? When did you hear from him last? For those of you who don't know, I was 7 years with MM and it ended 18 months ago after he promised me he was leaving and then NC'd me without a word. This is totally counter to almost everything I've said for the past few months. I can only think that its a combination of MM reappearing with his gifts after 16 months, his children both about to be in college and out of the house, and now what some of the girls have been posting lately. I want to call him. God help me, I want to call him. I've never thought about calling him ever. I've never broken NC with him without him doing it first. I've never begged. I've never pleaded. But I feel like I need to know. I want to hear him tell me he still loves me. I've been pushing him out of my mind as much as possible for a thousand reasons. I've been dating, feeling stronger and good about myself. But I want HIM. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to be the one who breaks this time. Rather than responding to him with anger when he has come to me in the past, I don't want to be the stronger person anymore. Why can't I be the weaker one for once? Why can't I be the one who breaks down? I'm tired of being so strong. As Shania would say: It only hurts when I breathe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author movinon05 Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 Oh God, I'm drowning here. I'm listening to all of our songs. Shania's "When You Kiss Me". Its killing me. But, first, take a deep breath and talk it through. Has this been building up? Have you been feeling this way for some time and just pushing it down? Has something triggered it all of the sudden? When did you hear from him last? I haven't talked to him for a year and a half. But he started sending me this s*** and sending me messages and he put hope back in my heart. And I've tried to keep burying it and be strong and keep moving on, but now I'm seeing other people falter a bit (not blaming them) and I'm saying to myself, why can't I do that? Why can't I just call him to hear his voice again and tell him I love him and just hang up, if that's all I have the nerve for. This is crazy. I'm crying now like I haven't cried in years! Link to post Share on other sites
Iwanttohope Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Let it out--crying is very, very good. I happen to think its as cathartic as laughter. Granted, laughter is a hell of a lot more fun but what can you do. Let me ask you a very serious question... do you want us to try to pull you out of the ditch or do you want encouragement not to break NC? You KNOW there is pain on both sides...enduring NC is painful and the potential aftermath of breaking NC is painful.... which poison do you want to drink? The poison you've developed somewhat of an immunity to (enduring NC) or the poison that could potentially do you in (breaking NC)? Oh God, I'm drowning here. I'm listening to all of our songs. Shania's "When You Kiss Me". Its killing me. But, first, take a deep breath and talk it through. Has this been building up? Have you been feeling this way for some time and just pushing it down? Has something triggered it all of the sudden? When did you hear from him last? I haven't talked to him for a year and a half. But he started sending me this s*** and sending me messages and he put hope back in my heart. And I've tried to keep burying it and be strong and keep moving on, but now I'm seeing other people falter a bit (not blaming them) and I'm saying to myself, why can't I do that? Why can't I just call him to hear his voice again and tell him I love him and just hang up, if that's all I have the nerve for. This is crazy. I'm crying now like I haven't cried in years! Link to post Share on other sites
Author movinon05 Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 I don't know what I want. I can't even think straight right now. I'm drowning in our music and remembering everything. I just needed to get this out to somebody because there's no one else. I'm burying myself deeper, wallowing in self pity. I have always avoided this at all costs. I see so many women here going through what I did from beginning to end and I always want to warn them and try to pull them out of it. So that's always my focus. Because I don't want anyone else to feel this pain. I'm just finally admitting I'm in a downward spiral and I'm not as strong as you all think. I would give anything to hear his voice right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author movinon05 Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 maybe just tell me I'm normal and its okay to be normal. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 You responded to my first post here on Wed. Thank you for that. I am new to the board, and have tried to go back and read your threads. Your courage and strenth inspire me. It is not my place, nor am I in the right mind frame to tell you what to do---but----listen to everyone else here who know you better. Think this through, and be try to be strong. Tonight may be a bad night, see how you feel tomorrow. If tomorrow you still feel the same way, try to give yourself a goal to get past that to the next day. And so on....one day at a time. Promise yourself that you won't call tonight. Then tomorrow, promise to wait and see again. You will get past this! Thank you for your encouragment! Link to post Share on other sites
UnknowingOW Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 MO, It is normal. It's life's greatest tragedy that we cannot be with the one's we love. You are strong, I've read your post. It's okay to slide back and remember...remembering makes us human...it proves we have a heart no matter how much it aches. This too shall pass. Hugs and good luck Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 maybe just tell me I'm normal and its okay to be normal. Come on now.... Don't beat yourself up! Of course your normal! You didn't just have an affair MO, you had a relationship! Just because there were no papers does not make what you two shared anything less. You and he had alot of time invested with each other! Yes you were the OW, but a relationship nonetheless! People may look at it differently, but I can hardly call 7 years with someone anything other than that! I feel for you! Truthfully, you must feel alot of pain, you love him! I can't imagine what your heart is feeling! Cry! Cry! Cry! because that is your right! Accept what you are feeling, WAS and STILL is REAL! Link to post Share on other sites
Iwanttohope Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 My Lord honey! Of course you are normal. The best thing you have done for yourself today is post how you are feeling. There is absolutely no point in suppressing it. The first time I read you had seven years under your belt with him I put my head in my hands and thought oh Lord have mercy! Of course its painful. I have some friends that are constantly saying to me... you have had surgery. He has been surgically removed from your life so you ARE going to hurt and the recovery will be painful and slow. Does the painful and slow part bring me comfort, not so much. Does knowing they understand it feels like something has literally been torn from my body make me feel better, yes it does. Because MO, that's what it feels like. I cannot imagine the amount of memories you have stored in your heart and mind that come flooding back without warning. Allow yourself to grieve more--you've earned the right. It hurts terribly. maybe just tell me I'm normal and its okay to be normal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author movinon05 Posted June 24, 2006 Author Share Posted June 24, 2006 Thank you all. Its just when I get this way, I start to get mad at myself that I allow this to happen so I usually don't let it happen. I don't want to be strong right now. I know I'll come out of this, but its scaring me more because of what's been happening, and I'm scared I really am going to break this time because of the circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Author movinon05 Posted June 24, 2006 Author Share Posted June 24, 2006 I have some friends that are constantly saying to me... you have had surgery. He has been surgically removed from your life so you ARE going to hurt and the recovery will be painful and slow. It would be easier if there really was a surgery for this. To surgically remove the emotions from your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Iwanttohope Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 AMEN to that sister. I'd be the first to sign up for it and pay out of pocket! It would be easier if there really was a surgery for this. To surgically remove the emotions from your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author movinon05 Posted June 24, 2006 Author Share Posted June 24, 2006 By request. Thanks for the suggestion and the laugh. Link to post Share on other sites
Iwanttohope Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 AWESOME PICTURE--you got it girl!! Totally fits the mood. By request. Thanks for the suggestion and the laugh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author movinon05 Posted June 24, 2006 Author Share Posted June 24, 2006 Yes, it certainly fits the mood. I don't know now if I'm madder at myself for breaking or for actually thinking about calling him. And I still don't have it out of my mind to call him. Link to post Share on other sites
Iwanttohope Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 If you go back to being "super human pain free xOW" I'm gonna come over there and slap ya (with love of course). And then we'll have a drink and watch a movie:) Yes, it certainly fits the mood. I don't know now if I'm madder at myself for breaking or for actually thinking about calling him. And I still don't have it out of my mind to call him. Link to post Share on other sites
UnknowingOW Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 It's not worth it...you know that though. It will make you feel worse then you already do. When I am feeling that low, I take a long, hot bath...get a glass of my favorite Pinot, and shut off the CD player..hell, I bring the bottle to the bathroom and cry like a baby while laying in the tub until it all passes. Eventually my cat will comes up to the side starts talking to me and then jumps on the edge of the tub and stares at me like I'm a fool. Which of course makes me laugh and then I'm ready to get out and go on with life. Oh yeah, my dog sits by the edge of the tub too...he knows when there's something really bothering me. Link to post Share on other sites
Iwanttohope Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 Oh yeah, my dog sits by the edge of the tub too...he knows when there's something really bothering me. Awwww...my dog does that too! Aren't they the best? She lays her head on my shoulder when I'm crying--she's my sweet lil piggy:bunny: They do know when we're hurting don't they? Link to post Share on other sites
Author movinon05 Posted June 24, 2006 Author Share Posted June 24, 2006 Well I can't believe I just ran out to the store looking like this, but cigarettes are very necessary tonight. So I switched to "you done me wrong songs" but there's a few in there I wasn't expecting. I think I'll be flip flopping tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 MO... I just got an email telling me you were about to break. Listen. 1) your MM is an a**h***. You have told us many times of his wankeriness and cowardice. DON'T give in to it. 2) the reason you're feeling like this is only because you're down in the dumps and the sad sacks you've been dating have turned out to be sad sacs. AND 3) as you already said, other OW are caving. Don't cave. You want what they have..? Just a quickie response to this thread and because I love you MO. DON'T do it. He's a LOSER. Link to post Share on other sites
Iwanttohope Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 I'm feelin stronger already!! Preach it sister!! MO... I just got an email telling me you were about to break. Listen. 1) your MM is an a**h***. You have told us many times of his wankeriness and cowardice. DON'T give in to it. 2) the reason you're feeling like this is only because you're down in the dumps and the sad sacks you've been dating have turned out to be sad sacs. AND 3) as you already said, other OW are caving. Don't cave. You want what they have..? Just a quickie response to this thread and because I love you MO. DON'T do it. He's a LOSER. Link to post Share on other sites
Author movinon05 Posted June 24, 2006 Author Share Posted June 24, 2006 MO... I just got an email telling me you were about to break. Listen. 1) your MM is an a**h***. You have told us many times of his wankeriness and cowardice. DON'T give in to it. 2) the reason you're feeling like this is only because you're down in the dumps and the sad sacks you've been dating have turned out to be sad sacs. AND 3) as you already said, other OW are caving. Don't cave. You want what they have..? Just a quickie response to this thread and because I love you MO. DON'T do it. He's a LOSER. Oh God, Sami!! I'm crying just to see you!!! Its so late over there!!!!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author movinon05 Posted June 24, 2006 Author Share Posted June 24, 2006 You responded to my first post here on Wed. Thank you for that. I am new to the board, and have tried to go back and read your threads. Your courage and strenth inspire me. It is not my place, nor am I in the right mind frame to tell you what to do---but----listen to everyone else here who know you better. Think this through, and be try to be strong. Tonight may be a bad night, see how you feel tomorrow. If tomorrow you still feel the same way, try to give yourself a goal to get past that to the next day. And so on....one day at a time. Promise yourself that you won't call tonight. Then tomorrow, promise to wait and see again. You will get past this! Thank you for your encouragment! Thank you. I missed this post earlier. I'll have to see if I can find you. You should give yourself a name. Link to post Share on other sites
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