I can't believe I'm actually saying this

[Jessie61]

But now I feel like I need to take action, take control of whatever it is, and deal with it finally. This is the thing. I need to deal with some kind of reality. Whether I like it or not. Whether it works in my favor or not. Whatever way it goes. Limbo is hell. Reality is taking the upper hand and facing whatever may be in store. One way or the other, I would know and then know what the real reality is in this situation.

 

MO,

 

I am sorry that I haven't been around in the last few days (even though I see that there has been a massive rally of support for you in! ). I am sorry to see that you are struggling at the moment.

 

I agree with you. Limbo is hell.

 

I also agree with WA. If you need closure, GET closure. Trust your own judgement!

[zarathustra]

Thank you all. Its just when I get this way, I start to get mad at myself that I allow this to happen so I usually don't let it happen. I don't want to be strong right now. I know I'll come out of this, but its scaring me more because of what's been happening, and I'm scared I really am going to break this time because of the circumstances.

Don't be mad at yourself... you've been a rock for 18 months!!

 

If you call him, what would you say to him and are you going to cause yourself more pain? What is the outcome you are hoping for?

 

MO, I know it is soooooooo hard. Yes, it is very normal. I cannot tell you what to do... I can only tell you that no matter what you choose to do, I will always back you on your decision as you made it with thought and caution.

 

Cry if you need to. But maybe listen to songs that aren't reflective of your relationship with him. Listen to something empowering. Damn those mods for deleting your thread.

[Sami_D]

Think it through, write it down (if you haven't already), rehearse.

Then it may be what you must do.

 

I agree with this. As I said to you in PM... you cannot allow yourself to be dragged back into this situation. You need to have a clear list of things to say to him/ ask of him. The point of this contact should be to re-establish NC on your terms.

 

It is extremely risky, especially if you're feeling weak and vulnerable. ONLY do it if you really have your questions set out, and can be sure that you will not cave and get suckered back into the A, or continued contact with him.

 

Only you know the truth of this, so beware.

[silktricks]

MO, You say you need closure, but for 18 months you've lived without it. Closure is a nice word for wrapping things up and feeling satisfied, but really, closure is in our own minds. My 1st husband (we had been married for almost 8 years) disappeared into the blue (I was visiting my parents for supposedly a month - he moved, I never saw him again - fortunately, the kids were with me.) Closure is only a figure of speech, a mindset. Closure can be had by yourself, with yourself.

 

If you are really searching for closure, and not for reopening a relationship, may I suggest the following:

 

Choose a location that was special to the two of you, preferably one with some privacy, but NOT your own home, and create a ritual of grieving for the death of the relationship.

 

I chose a spot at the beach, took some flowers and a bottle of wine with two nice glasses. I took along some of the poems that we had written to each other. I poured some wine into each glass. While sipping from my glass, I read the poetry aloud. When done, I ritually burned the poems, poured the remaining wine into the sand, and left the flowers, as I would at a grave.

 

I had closure. Sadness lingered, but the closure was complete.

 

Good luck to you, MO. I wish you happiness - and it doesn't sound like you will have that happiness with the MM. He was not kind to you.

[stillafool]

This has been a bad time for me too MO (is Mercury in retrograde?) . I know how you feel because I have been crying, playing cd's and looking at his old pictures. I would give anything to hear his voice. I almost convinced myself to call him to find out some info, but talked myself out of it. I think what you're going through and what I'm going through will pass. I think we all in this situation can expect to have set backs. Thank God you can come here to LS to get support and talk it over. If you feel you must contact him at least wait a week and see if you still feel the same way but more than likely by then you will have talked yourself out of it.

[ahotmess]

I hope you didn't call him. I lasted almost 6 months...and as I speak we are in the same pattern as before. Rearranging our (my) schedules to be with eachother. Me feeling guilty (and I'm not even married). But I knew the whole NC thing was a total joke on my part, we always want what is not right for us.

 

How can something sooo incredibly warm and fuzzy (this affair) be soo wrong? What if it's true love with bad timing? I know that I love this MM with all my heart. I agree with you on the surgery thing....I'd work all the days of my life to pay for it. If only it were an option.

 

Here is a thought that I had the other day...and it helps put things in perspective.

 

Say in the end I get exactly what I want. He gets a divorce, we get married. What will I really have? A cheating husband. And I know that I (as we all do) deserve way more than that.

 

Is a cheating husband really such a prize? Is that all that we desire?

[movinon05]

Thank you everyone for everything that has been said. This is why I came here because I'm tired of doing it on my own.

 

Silk, I had my closure. After he never left, I burned the most precious thing I ever gave him and watched the ashes curdle in the snow. I said goodbye. I got rid of everything he ever gave me. And I moved on.

 

15 months later, March 2006, I get handmade furniture on my porch. He knows me well. I don't know how long it took him to make them, but I looked at them. They were perfect. Any other time, I would have been overjoyed. Instead, it ripped into my heart, knowing he was spending God only knows how much time making them. And after waiting and thinking, a week later I gathered the strength and I put them back on his lawn.

 

April, I get flowers on my car at work for our "anniversary", and a note telling me he will love me forever and always.

 

May, he sends me a message through my friend.

 

My problem is, this is not over. HE is not letting it be over. I really do think I know what he is up to. But each time he does these things, it is emotionally draining. Its not going to stop until I make him stop. And since I can't move away for 4 years, that is why I am thinking the only way to do this is to confront him.

 

I always say "never say never". But I can promise you all this: I WILL NEVER BE INVOLVED IN AN AFFAIR WITH HIM EVER AGAIN". That is one promise I can make without hesitation.

 

(Not including those of you who work with MMs - I certainly could never do that, especially after 7 years), I don't know how many of you can say that you could endure living in the same town, never knowing when you will be accosted by the W, kids, family. Although I've already lived through the worst of it, every store I go in, I have my eyes open. Every road I travel, never know when someone is going to follow me or pull some other shyt.

 

I haven't called him yet. I am strong right now. I had my moment. It comes about twice a year. Since he's started sending me things, its been more than twice already.

 

Yes, I am taking my time, cautiously weighing all my options now. But I am tired of being controlled. I need to be in control. And the only way to do that is to confront this situation head on. With my luck, by the time I get around to really doing this, he will have contacted me in another way, by the back door again. But I know its not going to be by the back door for much longer.

 

I'm still weighing. Getting my thoughts together. If he stayed away, I could live with that. But that is not the case. I'm tired of being the doormat for everyone else. If nothing else, I need to do this for myself.

[UnknowingOW]

MO,

 

You are truly grace under pressure. You strength and courages supports so many.

 

Whatever is the outcome will be it the best interest for you.

 

Good Luck Sweetie.

 

Many {hugs}

[silktricks]

But I think I need closure. I never did get closure.

 

Sorry, I thought you meant here that you needed closure.

[RecordProducer]

You are in the typical phase of getting over. You've had ups and downs, felt better than worse... it's still too soon. It'll take a few more months up to a year. You'll be fine. Hang on there, girl!

[movinon05]

Subject to emotional moments...

 

I have decided I'm not calling him. I am going to keep the power I have. I have worked too hard for this. I will not give him the satisfaction of breaking NC after he has done all this. And I realize I do have control. My control is moving on and learning to control my emotions when something happens and work through them.

 

If and when the day comes where we meet face to face, it will not be because I did anything to encourage him. And however I deal with it will be what it is. I am not a rock. I may be upset, I may be angry. Whatever. It is what it is. But for now, I'm sticking to my original plan. I don't want to spend every waking moment of my time obsessing and preparing for this. I will do it on my own time. I know now enough of what I want and don't want. I've certainly drummed it into my head a thousand times and with you guys too.

 

Thank you for allowing me to work through this with all of you. I knew it might take me a bit to get back to myself again. But at least I'm here now.

[RealityCheck]

Subject to emotional moments...

 

I have decided I'm not calling him. I am going to keep the power I have. I have worked too hard for this. I will not give him the satisfaction of breaking NC after he has done all this. And I realize I do have control. My control is moving on and learning to control my emotions when something happens and work through them.

 

If and when the day comes where we meet face to face, it will not be because I did anything to encourage him. And however I deal with it will be what it is. I am not a rock. I may be upset, I may be angry. Whatever. It is what it is. But for now, I'm sticking to my original plan. I don't want to spend every waking moment of my time obsessing and preparing for this. I will do it on my own time. I know now enough of what I want and don't want. I've certainly drummed it into my head a thousand times and with you guys too.

 

Thank you for allowing me to work through this with all of you. I knew it might take me a bit to get back to myself again. But at least I'm here now.

 

Good For You!!!

 

You MUST thank YOURSELF!! You certainly have done all the work!

 

Your story has been an incredible journey and for you to have come to a place within your self of such strength, in where you are today, I do believe there was something to take from the experience.

 

God Bless.

[bunset]

M.O.,

The part of being subject to emotional moments - aren't we all!!

Subject to emotional moments...

 

I have decided I'm not calling him. I am going to keep the power I have. I have worked too hard for this. I will not give him the satisfaction of breaking NC after he has done all this. And I realize I do have control. My control is moving on and learning to control my emotions when something happens and work through them.

That control you speak of is powerful, on both sides.

<snip>

And however I deal with it will be what it is. I am not a rock. I may be upset, I may be angry. Whatever. It is what it is.

(I snipped for some brevity)

It is what it is - OMG, it happened again, you said it twice. This phrase was spoken to me several times to me by my xMM about our A!

There's something for me to learn from that phrase, because it's here, in your journey, and for me to read. Now if I can just grasp it....

Thank you for allowing me to work through this with all of you. I knew it might take me a bit to get back to myself again. But at least I'm here now.

 

Thank you for being here. I'm grateful that you share your experiences and journey with us. I'm glad I'm here.

I'm glad there's a place I can come to and grow with others.

[UnknowingOW]

Subject to emotional moments...

 

I have decided I'm not calling him. I am going to keep the power I have. I have worked too hard for this. I will not give him the satisfaction of breaking NC after he has done all this. And I realize I do have control. My control is moving on and learning to control my emotions when something happens and work through them.

 

If and when the day comes where we meet face to face, it will not be because I did anything to encourage him. And however I deal with it will be what it is. I am not a rock. I may be upset, I may be angry. Whatever. It is what it is. But for now, I'm sticking to my original plan. I don't want to spend every waking moment of my time obsessing and preparing for this. I will do it on my own time. I know now enough of what I want and don't want. I've certainly drummed it into my head a thousand times and with you guys too.

 

Thank you for allowing me to work through this with all of you. I knew it might take me a bit to get back to myself again. But at least I'm here now.

 

MO,

You inner strength worked. I'm so happy for you. I know this was a difficult decision to make. But you got through it.

 

HUGS!!!!

[movinon05]

Good For You!!!

 

You MUST thank YOURSELF!! You certainly have done all the work!

 

Your story has been an incredible journey and for you to have come to a place within your self of such strength, in where you are today, I do believe there was something to take from the experience.

 

God Bless.

 

Thanks hunny! For everything! Yes, I do keep taking away from the experiences, don't I?

[movinon05]

M.O.,

The part of being subject to emotional moments - aren't we all!!

 

That control you speak of is powerful, on both sides.

 

(I snipped for some brevity)

It is what it is - OMG, it happened again, you said it twice. This phrase was spoken to me several times to me by my xMM about our A!

There's something for me to learn from that phrase, because it's here, in your journey, and for me to read. Now if I can just grasp it....

 

 

Thank you for being here. I'm grateful that you share your experiences and journey with us. I'm glad I'm here.

I'm glad there's a place I can come to and grow with others.

 

Yes, that's a very empowering phrase, isn't it? I heard it first from one of my son's friends while he was dealing with a lot of stuff. I thought it was very profound coming from a 20 yr old. From that day on, I took it to heart and its made a big difference in how I look at things, especially when I try to blame this or that on whatever.

[movinon05]

MO,

You inner strength worked. I'm so happy for you. I know this was a difficult decision to make. But you got through it.

 

HUGS!!!!

 

Thanks. It still makes it less lonely being able to talk to you guys about it, rather than wondering if I'm doing the right thing all the time. I needed all these perspectives.

[Sami_D]

Thank you for allowing me to work through this with all of you. I knew it might take me a bit to get back to myself again. But at least I'm here now.

 

MO, I'm SO glad you've decided not to contact him.

 

Isn't it amazing how going through all the options and possibilities, and the possible results of those actions... you can realise that you don't need to do anything at all

 

I love it when that happens!

[movinon05]

MO, I'm SO glad you've decided not to contact him.

 

Isn't it amazing how going through all the options and possibilities, and the possible results of those actions... you can realise that you don't need to do anything at all

 

I love it when that happens!

 

Yes Sami. Weighing options, possibilities and possible results. I'm thinking Buns' power of intentions is making even more sense to me to me now too.

[stillafool]

I'm glad you're not calling him too MO. I knew you would get over that feeling. I did too and am glad I didn't call mine. I must say though your MM does seem to really love you to go through all he has to pursue you is incredible. You are so strong to resist him. If mine did half of what yours has done I shamefully say I would be putty in his hands. I really do admire your strength.

[Patricia]

Thank you everyone for everything that has been said. This is why I came here because I'm tired of doing it on my own.

 

Silk, I had my closure. After he never left, I burned the most precious thing I ever gave him and watched the ashes curdle in the snow. I said goodbye. I got rid of everything he ever gave me. And I moved on.

 

15 months later, March 2006, I get handmade furniture on my porch. He knows me well. I don't know how long it took him to make them, but I looked at them. They were perfect. Any other time, I would have been overjoyed. Instead, it ripped into my heart, knowing he was spending God only knows how much time making them. And after waiting and thinking, a week later I gathered the strength and I put them back on his lawn.

 

April, I get flowers on my car at work for our "anniversary", and a note telling me he will love me forever and always.

 

May, he sends me a message through my friend.

 

My problem is, this is not over. HE is not letting it be over. I really do think I know what he is up to. But each time he does these things, it is emotionally draining. Its not going to stop until I make him stop. And since I can't move away for 4 years, that is why I am thinking the only way to do this is to confront him.

 

I always say "never say never". But I can promise you all this: I WILL NEVER BE INVOLVED IN AN AFFAIR WITH HIM EVER AGAIN". That is one promise I can make without hesitation.

 

(Not including those of you who work with MMs - I certainly could never do that, especially after 7 years), I don't know how many of you can say that you could endure living in the same town, never knowing when you will be accosted by the W, kids, family. Although I've already lived through the worst of it, every store I go in, I have my eyes open. Every road I travel, never know when someone is going to follow me or pull some other shyt.

 

I haven't called him yet. I am strong right now. I had my moment. It comes about twice a year. Since he's started sending me things, its been more than twice already.

 

Yes, I am taking my time, cautiously weighing all my options now. But I am tired of being controlled. I need to be in control. And the only way to do that is to confront this situation head on. With my luck, by the time I get around to really doing this, he will have contacted me in another way, by the back door again. But I know its not going to be by the back door for much longer.

 

I'm still weighing. Getting my thoughts together. If he stayed away, I could live with that. But that is not the case. I'm tired of being the doormat for everyone else. If nothing else, I need to do this for myself.

 

 

MO - I admire your strength in working through this. I don't have any good advice right now, as I'm trying to work through some things too. I'm glad I've found LS, I've read everyone's postings and have actually taken alot of them to heart. It amazes me that we all have so much love for our MM. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let go of the feelings I have for mine. In the past two years I/we have tried NC so many times. At one point I thought moving away would do the trick. But I love my home, and love where I live, and didn't think it fair that someone else should dictate my life that way.

 

You've given so much of yourself to this MM. And he realizes this. He's probably so scared to let go of something he may never find again. My MM always told me his love was true, that he knew what he wanted and just didn't want to lose me in his life. But at that time, and all the other times he went back to the W, he would also say he was in too deep, (marriage) financially, his kids. I kept saying that if I were all that to him, he should be with me.

 

Two months ago, he did come back after being gone four weeks. Said he'd made a mistake and hoped it wasn't too late for us.

When he was gone, I tried to throw out everything that he'd ever given me, or the hundreds of pictures of happy times together. And I never could. I did tuck all the reminders of him away, but every now and then I'd take them out. I can still remember how sad those days were. We've been so happy since he's been back. But this is the week he's had to go to court for their divorce, and I can see how it's been difficult for him. He tells me that he is still going through with it. And I'm praying so hard that something doesn't change his mind. I took the advice of yours and others on this website and I'm being very supportive and understanding and just letting him know I'm here for him. Sometimes its hard to be so positive. He's lied to me in the past. He's asked me to put it all behind me so we can move forward. Yet he knows he caused the heartbreak and hurt.

I'm going to keep coming to LS for help because I know this is going to be a hard road to travel for awhile, until we both can feel secure about our relationship. I don't want him to think he's made a mistake in choosing me over his marriage (in which he stands to lose alot). And I don't want to live wondering if he'll cheat on me the way he did the W. Even tho he says it was because he had been unhappy for so long.

I hope each day gets easier for you MO...Sometimes it makes sense when people say to just "follow your heart".

[movinon05]

I'm glad you're not calling him too MO. I knew you would get over that feeling. I did too and am glad I didn't call mine. I must say though your MM does seem to really love you to go through all he has to pursue you is incredible. You are so strong to resist him. If mine did half of what yours has done I shamefully say I would be putty in his hands. I really do admire your strength.

 

SAF, I was putty for 7 years. But you can only be putty for so long.

[movinon05]

I love my home, and love where I live, and didn't think it fair that someone else should dictate my life that way. I don't love my home. I'm not happy here. I'm only here for my kids. I WILL move on when I can.

You've given so much of yourself to this MM. And he realizes this. He's probably so scared to let go of something he may never find again. But this is the price he will have to pay. My MM always told me his love was true, that he knew what he wanted and just didn't want to lose me in his life. But at that time, and all the other times he went back to the W, he would also say he was in too deep, (marriage) financially, his kids. I kept saying that if I were all that to him, he should be with me.

 

Two months ago, he did come back after being gone four weeks. Said he'd made a mistake and hoped it wasn't too late for us.

When he was gone, I tried to throw out everything that he'd ever given me, or the hundreds of pictures of happy times together. And I never could. I did tuck all the reminders of him away, but every now and then I'd take them out. I can still remember how sad those days were. We've been so happy since he's been back. But this is the week he's had to go to court for their divorce, and I can see how it's been difficult for him. He tells me that he is still going through with it. And I'm praying so hard that something doesn't change his mind. I took the advice of yours and others on this website and I'm being very supportive and understanding and just letting him know I'm here for him. Sometimes its hard to be so positive. He's lied to me in the past. He's asked me to put it all behind me so we can move forward. Yet he knows he caused the heartbreak and hurt. Its a very hard decision to make. But your MM is now finally doing something about it. Which is why you now have to muster the strength to be there for him.

 

I hope each day gets easier for you MO...Sometimes it makes sense when people say to just "follow your heart".

 

Its easy to follow your heart if the other is following their heart as well, and you make the commitment to each other and stick with it. Its when it becomes onesided, that it becomes detrimental to the relationship. I really hope this all works out for you. You've got a new start. And I'm kind of envious. I only tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes. You can now be his soft place to fall.