social dishonesty

[witchbreed]

I am a mother of 3. Dana, my 9 year old daughter, has a friend, who lives where we used to live. Since splitting with my ex-husband, I moved away (around 15 miles). Dana wanted to see Virginia again and I do like Virginia too. When I first met her parents, I thought that I liked them too, but in time I realised that I didnt like them and then kept the contacts to them as short as possible without being inpolite.

 

Now my daughter wanted to see Virginia again and initially it was agreed that the parents would drop her of at my boyfriends place to spend the day with us. Dana was all excited and had been talking about it for days. Anyway the day comes along and the father of Virginia calls and says that his father, whom the parents had wanted to visit, cancelled and if we could not all go for lunch together. I declined stating that we just had brunch. He then asked what we were gonna do and I said we wanted to go to a parc. He then asked if they could not come with us. I didnt wanat to, but was not able to say so right away - how to say that in a polite way and asked to call back. I was a bit scared that if I sounded inpolite, they might prohibit Virginia to see Dana. Anyway my bf got mad at me, for not declinign straight away and read all sorts of hidden motives into my behaviour. Truth is, I am not interested in a relationsship with Virginias parents, but I dont want to jeapardize Danas relationsship with the daughter. Anyway in the end, we declined seeing them and agreed that Dana would spend the next weekend with them and Virginia the weekend two weeks later with us. Virginia has just spend the night with us, yesterday night her father called, if everything was OK. My bf started arguing again about it. Accusing me of hidden motives, like having flirted with the father or him having flirted with me, before I met my bf. All of this is not true, I have only been polite for the kids sake.

 

I would like it best now, to cut all contacts with them, since I do dislike them and I really dont want to have arguements with them over people I dont like, but on the other hand, doing this - the easy way out for myself - I take away a friend of my daughter. And I think that is not right either. Gosh, what a mess about a really silly thing.

 

The thing is, my bf hates dishonesty, and me being friendly to someone I dislike is dishonest, but on the other hand, is it right to be honest when your child will suffer the consequences? Any advice appreciated.

[Tony T]

I don't see that you have been dishonest. Being nice and friendly to people you don't like is not dishonest. It's just a matter of politeness. If I went around telling everybody I don't like to go to hell, I would soon get a reputation for being extremely rude.

 

Now, being nice and polite to people you don't like is where you draw the line. Socializing with them or, in your case, taking things to any step greater than brief phone conversations or encounters when they bring their daughter over is dishonest. Inviting them in for coffee is dishonest. If there is any way you can keep this on a very superficial level for the benefit of your daughter and her friend is not being dishonest at all, as a matter of fact it's being quite considerate of your daughter's feelings.

 

There's obviously a good reason you don't like Virginia's parents because they seem to be looking for people to socialize with. Don't get sucked in.

 

Your boyfriend is trying to control you and that is simply not right. Tell him to butt out of this situation. You are an adult and you are handling things quite properly. Your boyfriend needs to respect your judgement in such matters and go about his own business while staying out of yours.

 

This situation is going to be a strain on you because obviously Virginia's parents are wanting more of an association or friendship than you are willing to give. But hold your ground. At some point, you may have to cave in and discuss this with your daughter and sever all ties with Virginia's parents. While this will be difficult for your daughter initially, children are quite resilient and your daughter will easily find other nice girls for friends.

[witchbreed]

Thank you!