the upper hand

[matt]

i am extremely generous as a person...and i always buy my girlfirned things and i would say she is spoiled...and she said the other day that she "wears the pants" in the relationship which got me thinking, where did i go wrong. i don't hit women, i treat them with respect, i always make sure that she enjoys herself during sex, i mean she always has an orgasm before me...i always take her out, take her where she wants to go, gets things when she wants them. when i say i want to go somewhere she says no and i repect her enough to say okay baby i'll stay home with you. i am always with her every spare second we get, unless ofcourse she's at school or i am at work. we've been together for almost 7 months, we always used to fight at first but the fighting has died down...whenever we fight we always end up talking it out but my question is how do i gain the upper hand or get her to respect me a little bit more? PLEASE HELP ME PEOPLE!

[Tony T]

Stop being so nice. You are absolutely sickening. You will never sustain a healthy relationship by smothering a lady with gifts, your presence, etc. The is ABSOLUTELY SICK behavior and one of the worst cases I've seen!!! Of course she loves the presents but at this point she's probably around only to see what you will get her next and not because she cares one hoot about you.

 

Women cannot get excited about a man who is sickeningly sweet and generous all the time in a predictable fashion. They need a challenge, they need mystery.

 

You have got some real self esteem problems...or else you just don't know much about women. Your problem is so bad you're going to have to start from the top...all over again.

 

You have screwed up your current relationship already because when you stop being a wimp and start being a MAN, she will not be getting the stuff she's used to and she'll leave.

 

But when you meet another girl you like, don't lavish so much on her at once. Always keep her guessing. Be kind but not nearly so kind and generous as you are with this girl. Be a challenge. Be unpredictable. Don't call her with predictable frequency. Wait months before you send flowers. EEEWWWWWW....I can smell your plight from here.

 

You have got one of the worst cases I have ever seen in this forum.

 

Women want a MAN, someone who will stand up for himself and NOT one who will give them everything they want. There's not enough room on the internet for me to tell you how to straighten out. If you find a truly nice girl, she won't put up with you, she won't accept all the gifts...she'll think you're trying to buy her. Only a prostitute will be happy with what you are doing.

 

Go spend some of the money you're spending on this lady and hire an excellent psychological counsellor to help you find out why you find it necessary to buy your girlfriends' love because it's NOT FOR SALE. You can't even rent it.

 

I promise you, your current strategy will keep you unhappy for all time. Thank your lucky stars you posted here. Your situation is CRITICAL!!!

[Tony T]

The fighting has stopped because she has totally lost interest in you. She doesn't care enough to waste her time fighting with you. She's only there now for what you might buy her next time. Don't blame her, though, you made her into what she is now.

 

Sorry, buddy, you blew it royally.

[matt]

I meant that i buy her things sometimes...not shower her with gifts. i got her a promise ring and another ring but not expensive ones...and cd's and a teddy bear...geez not a house or anything like that. and she loves me...i know she does. we live together and we get along. but i just wanted to know how to gain the upper hand.

[Tony T]

Read your own original post again. You are spoiling her way too much and I don't care what you think you are doing too much for her. If you want to get the upper hand, read my posts again. Be a challenge, don't kiss her butt, don't be so available, be a bit of a mystery. It's plain and simple basic stuff.

 

You are way too nice, my friend.

[tkgirl]

Don't you think you were being a little harsh on the poor guy? I mean, I do agree with most of what you are saying, but I don't think it was completely his fault. He sounds like a nice guy who just got a little too nice with the wrong girl and she ended up walking all over him. Yeah, the nice guy finishes last thing is sort of true, but...

 

Now for you, Matt...I hope you don't try the a**hole thing, just to see how that tactic works (it doesn't...in the long run) Just be yourself but with someone who is worth all your kind ways! Good things WILL come to you, so hang in there! Good Luck!

 

 

[Tony T]

Not harsh at all. In this forum, the only way to communicate effectively is in the firmest of terms. I stand by everything I write here because in the greatest number of instances I've been there first hand, have the T-shirt, and even the park named after me.

 

Ever been to Sucker Park?

[BeenThere]

First, let me say that you sound like a WONDERFUL person. Unfortunately, the world consists of givers and takers, and this is not only limited to relationships. People who are considerate and generous by nature are rare. They find great self-satisfaction and immense pleasure not by doing for themselves -- but by doing for others. Ironically, these same individuals have a difficult time and even feel awkward on those few occasions when they find themselves on the "receiving" end. They've become so comfortable in their benevolent roles that for them giving is much easier than receiving. Unfortunately, the rest of the world by majority are opportunists. A kind individual is often viewed as being "weak" because they don't exhibit the same killer instinct. They will even be accused of trying to BUY their relationships and friendships: when in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. These individuals are simply expressing, through example, how they themselves would like to be treated...however subconsciously. And when they are instead met with rejection and disdain --- when they are told by others that they are weak and need to "toughen up" --- they turn their sensitive natures inward and begin to feel guilty and taken advantage of. That's when the self-pity sets in...

 

I know, because I was one of them. And I learned, after much trial and error, that the key is not to change WHO you are -- to allow yourself to become one of the "ugly" -- but to hold back, just a little, until you find someone deserving of your affection and attention. Someone like yourself who is able to appreciate and reciprocate. And because the great humanists and romantics of the world are a dying breed, this may be a l-o-n-g and arduous process. But hang in there, all hope is not lost.

 

May I also add, that a relationship is not a competition. No one need to gain "the upper hand." It should be an EQUAL partnership. And if you are finding yourself with the short end of the stick, then perhaps its time to reevaluate the worth of the individual you've decided to lavish your affections upon. Looking inward to find fault (where there is none) will accomplish nothing. Head-games are also not your style, you are above that. You don't need to become a "challenge" --- what you need is to become more selective. You are a gem; a diamond in the rough, and one day a lady who isn't so self-absorbed will find you and consider you a blessing. She will be thankful that you didn't allow the parasites of the world to destroy your character and strength of heart.

 

I wish you the best of luck, friend. And I hope that you sit down and have a good heart-to-heart with your girlfriend. And I also hope that she'll turn around before it's too late and she's lost you. As humans we are blind to anything outside ourselves. We take the people in our lives for granted and don't even realize what we had until its gone...

I meant that i buy her things sometimes...not shower her with gifts. i got her a promise ring and another ring but not expensive ones...and cd's and a teddy bear...geez not a house or anything like that. and she loves me...i know she does. we live together and we get along. but i just wanted to know how to gain the upper hand.

[Tony T]

Excellent insights and information for all. Many thanks!

[tkgirl]

I guess I just think they're not a lot of nice guys like him left in the world. But you are right...he was being TOO nice and she was completely taking him for granted.

Not harsh at all. In this forum, the only way to communicate effectively is in the firmest of terms. I stand by everything I write here because in the greatest number of instances I've been there first hand, have the T-shirt, and even the park named after me. Ever been to Sucker Park?

[tkgirl]

First, let me say that you sound like a WONDERFUL person. Unfortunately, the world consists of givers and takers, and this is not only limited to relationships. People who are considerate and generous by nature are rare. They find great self-satisfaction and immense pleasure not by doing for themselves -- but by doing for others. Ironically, these same individuals have a difficult time and even feel awkward on those few occasions when they find themselves on the "receiving" end. They've become so comfortable in their benevolent roles that for them giving is much easier than receiving. Unfortunately, the rest of the world by majority are opportunists. A kind individual is often viewed as being "weak" because they don't exhibit the same killer instinct. They will even be accused of trying to BUY their relationships and friendships: when in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. These individuals are simply expressing, through example, how they themselves would like to be treated...however subconsciously. And when they are instead met with rejection and disdain --- when they are told by others that they are weak and need to "toughen up" --- they turn their sensitive natures inward and begin to feel guilty and taken advantage of. That's when the self-pity sets in... I know, because I was one of them. And I learned, after much trial and error, that the key is not to change WHO you are -- to allow yourself to become one of the "ugly" -- but to hold back, just a little, until you find someone deserving of your affection and attention. Someone like yourself who is able to appreciate and reciprocate. And because the great humanists and romantics of the world are a dying breed, this may be a l-o-n-g and arduous process. But hang in there, all hope is not lost. May I also add, that a relationship is not a competition. No one need to gain "the upper hand." It should be an EQUAL partnership. And if you are finding yourself with the short end of the stick, then perhaps its time to reevaluate the worth of the individual you've decided to lavish your affections upon. Looking inward to find fault (where there is none) will accomplish nothing. Head-games are also not your style, you are above that. You don't need to become a "challenge" --- what you need is to become more selective. You are a gem; a diamond in the rough, and one day a lady who isn't so self-absorbed will find you and consider you a blessing. She will be thankful that you didn't allow the parasites of the world to destroy your character and strength of heart. I wish you the best of luck, friend. And I hope that you sit down and have a good heart-to-heart with your girlfriend. And I also hope that she'll turn around before it's too late and she's lost you. As humans we are blind to anything outside ourselves. We take the people in our lives for granted and don't even realize what we had until its gone...

[Tony T]

There are many very nice guys who treat their ladies very well. However, there is a major difference between a nice guy who is a MAN and who has boundaries which women admire and respect...and a WIMP who has no boundaries and does anything and everything the woman desires and for which the woman has zero respect and will pounce all over him in many cases.

 

Women often love a man MORE for saying no than for saying yes. A lot of men just don't understand that.

 

I think you will agree with me that there are guys who take niceness way too far and nauseate the women they are targeting.

[midori]

I think this holds true in reverse as well, that is, women who are far too nice and men who take advantage of that.

Women often love a man MORE for saying no than for saying yes. A lot of men just don't understand that.

[Tony T]

I think this holds true in reverse as well, that is, women who are far too nice and men who take advantage of that.