suspicious bf..

[snowflake02]

I`ve been going out with my boyfriend for 8 months now and recently things have been especially great. A few months ago we were going through a rough time and broke up temporarily but since then we have been working to resolve our differences. We work in the same office so we see eachother everyday and spend almost all our weekends together as well. I was feeling really happy about our relationship. However, the other day I was at his house and my boyfriend stepped out to get some groceries. He had left his work cell phone on his desk and curiousity got the better of me. I was shocked to find that he had been contacting his ex-girlfriend on several occassions even though he had told me that he had nothing to do with her anymore. Might I add that he was together with her for 6 years and that they were living together when he met me. Also I found (through reading his text msgs)that while we had broken up he had gone out to dinner and drinks with another girl in our company whom I absolutly depise. What makes me so angry about this is that he was sobbing and beggining for my forgiveness everyday while we were temporarily broken up but still he went to dinner with her. What a hypocrite! The reason I have issues with her is because my boyfriend had told me that he finds her attractive and I saw him flirting with her several times. He knows how I feel and had told me that he wouldnt contact her anymore. However, I found that they have been calling eachother recently. He had also deleted the msgs from her in his inbox but he had forgotten to delete the ones in his outbox. (this is how i found out they went out together) So I was really shocked and sad to find that he has lied to me and is still contacting both his ex-girlfriend and this other girl at the office behind my back. I dont think he is cheating on me since we spend so much time together and because I believe we are really in love with eachother...but this is really bothering me now and I dont know whether to confront him about it or not. I dont want him to know I went though his personal stuff either. Am I being overly paranoid about this? He has another cell phone which I have not looked at...god knows whats in that one.. Right now things are so good between us and I will be meeting his parents in several weeks time. We are also thinking about living abroad together next year. Do I just need to trust him and simply assume he is only friends with them?

[the_alchemyst]

Why did you go through his personal items? Were you really just curious or did something propel you to do it, aside from curiousity?

 

You should never do things that only lead you to negative options.

 

Has he ever given you a reason to be doubted? Has he lied to you in the past? Why do you feel paranoid about this?

 

Do you not trust him?

 

It seems to me that you don't or at least not entirely because you feel threatened.

 

The better question here is: what do you feel?

 

Do you think he's cheating on you?

 

If you don't, then just let it go. He is entitled to have friends, and well, you don't have to like them. If you really don't think he's cheating on you, then why create an unnecessary problem?

 

However, if you are unable to let this issue go, then please know that it will create problems. Even if you pretend to let go, it will still linger in the back of your mind, and will subconsciously create troubles.

 

You have to be entirely certain that this is nothing, otherwise you might as well confront him.

 

You can also try to casually mention his ex and co-worker. Just bring them up and ask if he's talked to them. If he lies to you, then I would be worried.

 

But you never know; he might just tell you that he has.

 

Just please don't jump to conclusions--they will help no one and only drive you crazy in the meantime.

[snowflake02]

Thanks for the advice. I guess I dont trust him completely. The reason is because he has disappointed me a number of times in the past. Everytime I feel like in beggining to trust him something happens that makes me think again. 3 months into our relationship we had our first argument. Everything was great until then. But I felt that he was such a moody person, sometimes he would be super nice and affectionate and other times quite cold..So i told him about this and he told me that I`m paranoid and that he felt "pressured" to always have to be with me and comfort me. I was so sad and hurt by what he said and I was crying about it for the next 2 days. He said I was annoying cause I was nagging him about such a stupid issue and that i needed to chill out. He broke up with me because he said he cant imagine what I would be like when we have future arguements. Anyway the fact that he broke up with me over one arguement really really hurt me and I told myself that I will never forgive him. However for the next month he continued to beg me for forgiveness and sent flowers to my house and called me 10 times a day sobbing. (And during this time he had dinner with that girl!!) He told me he was truely sorry and would try to be more understanding. So I forgave him....but the fact that he dumped me is always in the back of my mind. Would he dump me just like that again over something so small? Would he dump me if he finds someone better just like he dumped his ex-gf of 6 yrs when he met me?

Anyways we have been trying to patch things up since then and finally I was starting to feel close to him again and I was happy. But now these suspicious calls and msgs have got me thinking again. I know I have insecurity issues and that I tend to make small things into big things. A lot of people tell me I am really negative and worry too much. But I dont want to be naive either...all I want is to feel secure.

[Computer]

Hi,

 

You want to feel secure? Then leave it all alone. If you are happy at the moment, then be just that: happy. Remember that these things you wonder about will be revealed to you within time... if these things are true, that is... He can love you deeply but that doesn't mean he's going to be faithful.... that's when the expression "love is not enough for it to work" come in handy. Love is basically just what you feel. It sas nothing to do with fidelity, completeness, etcetera... Hell, I love my family to death!! Doesn't mean I didn't lie to my mother when I was young to save my a$$. Do you get my drift?

_______________________

There are 3 types of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't...

[email protected]

[snowflake02]

So are you saying he could be unfaithful but I should just let it be for now? I WAS happy about our relationship but not anymore because of this whole incident. I can`t help thinking about it...I kinda wish I didnt even look at his stupid phone. Now im just thinking the worst. Im glad he is gone on business for the next couple of weeks because otherwise I would have blew up on him and I probably would have regretted it.

I know he isnt cheating on me but why the hell is he calling these girls when he knows that I would be very unhappy if I found out. I guess he thought I would never find out...

sigh...

[Guest]

omg its like i am reading a bio of myself i feel and think the same way...my boyfriend had an ex call and text him and i found out about it by looking through his phone we had a huge fight because he said that i didn't trust him...he said that he hadn't heard from her but i was curious and looked through his phone and found out that he has been calling and texting her but i haven't brought it up...i mean i know that he loves me we will be together two years this november...and with his attitude if he didn't want to be with me he wouldn't but at the same time you can't have your cake and eat it to...i made the comment "either you can have her pissed at you or me pissed at you.....he said i can't be mean to her its not in me.....its nice to know that somebody has this crap going on and im not crazy about the way i have been thinking.....

[preferwhispers]

i like what 'computer' said.

 

here's the problem with snooping: we all do things that we probably shouldn't do when we are in committed relationships. if you are out with your girlfriends and a guy is hitting on you, is there harm if you are a bit flirtatious, knowing that you love your b/f and would never pursue it? No. in fact, doing this once in a while can increase your self-esteem and make your relationship better. (not to say that you can't go overboard).

 

The problem is that we can do these 'harmless' things because we know it won't go anywhere, and our g/f or b/f will never find out about them. As soon as one party starts snooping through phones and emails, we start to find out that our significant other participates in these trivialities, but they don't seem trivial. they can be heartbreaking, because you are left to construct a reality without actually knowing what your loved one is thinking.

 

you need to put some perspective on the situation. have you ever done something similar? did it mean that you wanted to cheat? probably not. so put it out of your mind as best you can. don't ask about it, don't bring it up tangentially, just be the person you were before you snooped. because, as computer says, sooner or later you will find out everything you need to know. why rush it?

 

even as I say this, i know, firsthand, that what i am suggesting is almost impossible. the most important thing you can do is stop snooping. you will think about the ex and the 'attractive friend' for a while, and you will be tempted, but just don't do it.

 

with luck, two months will pass and you will suddenly realize that you haven't heard about these girls or thought about them in weeks. you will hopefully have learned your lesson.

[rkman]

i like what 'computer' said.

 

here's the problem with snooping: we all do things that we probably shouldn't do when we are in committed relationships. if you are out with your girlfriends and a guy is hitting on you, is there harm if you are a bit flirtatious, knowing that you love your b/f and would never pursue it? No. in fact, doing this once in a while can increase your self-esteem and make your relationship better. (not to say that you can't go overboard).

 

The problem is that we can do these 'harmless' things because we know it won't go anywhere, and our g/f or b/f will never find out about them. As soon as one party starts snooping through phones and emails, we start to find out that our significant other participates in these trivialities, but they don't seem trivial. they can be heartbreaking, because you are left to construct a reality without actually knowing what your loved one is thinking.

 

you need to put some perspective on the situation. have you ever done something similar? did it mean that you wanted to cheat? probably not. so put it out of your mind as best you can. don't ask about it, don't bring it up tangentially, just be the person you were before you snooped. because, as computer says, sooner or later you will find out everything you need to know. why rush it?

 

I have no clue what to say to this.

 

Never do without one's spouse what one wouldn't do with them next to them, as far as respecting one another goes. Being dishonest includes withholding information.

 

For the OP, snooping is just as bad as any other fault. Who are we to quantify hurtful actions? Fes up because you will resolve two problems; His possible dishonesty, and yours.

 

You will clear your mind and give him a chance to clear his.

[blind_otter]

If I read this correctly, you met your current BF while he was living with his ex. So I assume that he cheated on his ex to be with you? Or did I misread, and he had just moved out from sharing a dwelling space with his ex?

 

If you started dating him while he was living with his ex I can totally understand the paranoia. The old idea that if a man cheats on his partner to be with you, he will very likely cheat on you to transition to his NEXT relationship.

 

And yeah, it's pretty dumb to snoop if you have no reason to. But obviously you didn't trust him for whatever reason, and upon further investigation your suspicions were confirmed. He was talking to his ex, he was talking to some other girl at the company, all behind your back. You say he is moody, sometimes nice sometimes distant.

 

I can only tell you what I would do in your situation. I would take a step back and re-evaluate the relationship, and how much time I spend feeling insecure or bad about the state of the relationship, and how much time I feel happy, content, and secure. I would examine why I have trust issues.

 

But, that said, I wouldn't be able to keep having sex with someone who lied to me that much. So I would probably end the relationship.

 

But that's JMO, take it with a grain of salt.

[snowflake02]

My bf didnt cheat on his ex. We started a relationship after they had broken up, but the reason he did was because he liked me....but that still kinda bothers me though...

Most of the time I do feel secure with him, esp these days he has been so caring and affectionate, takes me home after work, buys me flowers, spends so much time with me talks about the future etc, so it really surprises me when I find out stuff like this. Just like when he dumped me over one argument we had. Also he gets jealous so easily too so why do something he wouldnt want done to himself? He would be really pissed off at me if HE found out that I was contacting my ex. I remember he got really jealous when an unattractive, 50 yr old married guy at work gave me a bottle of champagne for my b-day!!

I understand what `preferwhispers` is saying though. Yes it definitely could be harmless and nothing to worry about. I just dont understand what hes thinking...

[rkman]

My bf didnt cheat on his ex. We started a relationship after they had broken up, but the reason he did was because he liked me....but that still kinda bothers me though...

Most of the time I do feel secure with him, esp these days he has been so caring and affectionate, takes me home after work, buys me flowers, spends so much time with me talks about the future etc, so it really surprises me when I find out stuff like this. Just like when he dumped me over one argument we had. Also he gets jealous so easily too so why do something he wouldnt want done to himself? He would be really pissed off at me if HE found out that I was contacting my ex. I remember he got really jealous when an unattractive, 50 yr old married guy at work gave me a bottle of champagne for my b-day!!

I understand what `preferwhispers` is saying though. Yes it definitely could be harmless and nothing to worry about. I just dont understand what hes thinking...

 

Uhhh...I'm certain our difintions of cheating contradict, but I'd say he cheated on his ex-gf by getting to know you better while they were dating.

 

Cheating isn't just a physical act, it's a mental choice.