My boyfriend is hurt and would not talk to me.

[soft heart]

Hello all,

 

I came here as I am in desperation for help. My long-distance boyfriend has not been speaking to me for the last 2 weeks. Last time I met him, which was 2 weekends ago, he told me that he felt unhappy and he even told me that we should break up. However, he then told me that he needs a complete break from me and time to think.

 

So here is what happened. We got back together in January this year. I was really happy because when we broke up last year, I was so sad and unhappy. Anyway, when he came back to me in January, it has not been very easy for us. I have been mistrusting him worrying that he may leave me again even though he has been reassuring me that he wants to be with me and he loves me. but my insecurities have driven him away. He has been making quite a lot of efforts for us to work out.

 

Anyway, about a month ago he emailed me and told me the most beautiful news, which was that he has booked his ticket to come and see me for my birthday in August and he told me that I should book my ticket to go and see him for his, which is next week. I was the happiest girl on the planet because that's what I really wanted him to do. To plan our meetings ahead and to come and see me for my birthday. I told him though that it's too sad that I won't be able to see him for a month and a half and he said that he will try to find something for us to meet earlier. He was at work while he was trying to look for a cheap flight and a place to meet. He has a very demanding job and I know that he has to work longer hours than I do.

 

Anyway, he suggested for us to meet in a neutral place and he told me to think about the plan. The thing is on the same day my parents were coming to visit me and I was a little nervous. Maybe because my parents' relationship has been extremely problematic for the past 3 years and so I was a little afraid to meet them. So I said to my boyfriend if he could call me that day. I guess I needed some kind of reassurance that he is there. Very hard to explain. He emailed me and told me that he was sorry but he could not call me that day as his friend was visiting him and he did not want to leave him alone while speaking to me. I did not like his response and felt upset. So when I came back home, he did call me anyway. He said he knew me too well and he knew I would feel upset so he was calling me before his friend came back from an interview. But he was not himself. He was a little nervous and I felt like he wasn't fully concentrating. We started to talk about our plans and I told him that we should also think about our holidays in summer. He asked me if it was not enough for me what he has planned for us that day. I said yes but I was thinking about going somewhere warm. He said he was not sure if he could take time off from work and he said that he also wanted to visit his friend in Asia. I got very upset about it. He told me that he felt upset because he had spent his time at work trying to plan things for us and that I did not see the efforts. He then told me that he could not speak any longer as his friend was coming back from his interview. I asked why was it such a problem to talk to me in front of his friend and he said that he did not want to argue in front of him and also he wanted to have some time with him as it was his last night there. I was so hurt and I felt so rejected. He told me that I did not respect him and his friend at all and he felt upset. He said to me that he needs to go but I did not want to let him go. So he put the phone down on me.

 

He then sent me a message and said that I should think about the idea he told me about our meeting and he pleaded me to respect that he wants to spend time with his friend. I overreacted and told him that it's over and I am moving on and that he should not call me, email me or text me again. I was so hurt. He was silent for a while and then he texted me back and told me that he could not believe that I would do that just because he wanted to spend his time with his friend. He then tried to call me but I ingored it. I felt so rejected, as if his friend was so much more important and as if he was trying to hide me in front of his friend. Anyway, I called him and he picked up and I was crying and I todl him that I felt so rejected and why was he hiding me from his friend. He said he was not hiding me but that he did not want his firend to witness our arguments. I said to him that he is a cheater and that he is a two-faced pearson. He was so hurt by that. He told me not to put him into such a situation. He was trying to be calm. Anyway, he said to respect that he cannot talk now. I said to him ok and put the phone down. He tried to call me then but I did not pick up. He said that I enjoy giving him hard time and that yes I was right it was so so over.

 

Anyway, I tried to call him as I suddenly realised how bad I was. He answered but he was so angry. He said to me that he wanted to relax with his mate. He felt so stressed with his work recently and I did not care about that. He said that he felt too hurt by everything and that he wanted to be alone. I talked to him the next day when my parents were here and he said that he does not think that he should be putting up with my moods just because my parents were here. He knows too well I think that my mood changes. He said that he was too upset that his mate had to know how I behave to him. He said he did not want to hear from me and he wanted to be alone. He said he felt gutted. I asked him if he wanted to still meet and he said after everything he said he did not want.

I was so hurt.

 

Anyway, since then he has not been the same. He told me he needed time. I met him 2 weekends ago anyway, but he said he felt like it was all about me and he felt very unhappy. He said that he is not sure he still loves me and he said he wanted to be on his own. I was crying so much. He said he could not get over the fact that I broke up with him. I said to him that I did not mean it and that it was an overreaction. He said that he did not care and that I said it. He said that he has lost lots of love as a result of all the fights. He told me that I broke up with him as an overrreaction too many times and that he feels sick in his stomach about everything. He is very sensitive guy. He said that he wanted to run away and be alone without me. I begged him to give us one more chance, he said that I always cry anyway so he thinks it's better for us. But when we were saying good bye, he said ok give me these 3 weeks a complete break but this is the last chance ever I am giving this relationship. It's been so hard and I know that I have made so many mistakes and I made him very unhappy.

 

It's been 2 weeks and I have not heard from him. I am so scared. I texted him 5 days later after we met just to ask him how he is doing and how is his work and he said to respect that he said no contact until the weekend we meet and that he was not jocking. I have not tried since. I am supposed to meet him next Thursday but I am not sure what to do. This silence is killing me.

 

What do you think? please help :(

[markhounddog]

Hi soft heart,

 

I feel your pain, as I am going thru a simmilar sinario. I find myself haveing many of the same feelings/symtoms that you are having too. BUT you have to let go --for now. I know it is hard BELIEVE ME, but your time away will give you both a chance to reflect of your relationship.

 

I think that it is important to accept the fact that you might have to let this person go though. Respect his space... even enjoy yout time off. Do some of the things that you want to do without him, then you will have more to talk about when you meet again.

 

Remember, the old attage: if you love someone, set them free and if they return they are yours.

 

Hope this helps!

[Outcast]

He said that he has lost lots of love as a result of all the fights. He told me that I broke up with him as an overrreaction too many times

 

You won't change and he knows it. It's too bad you didn't ask for help long ago - one of the other times you broke up. You have shown him that you don't change and he's right - lots of fights will kill love, and once it's been killed that way, you can't fix it.

 

Learn from this. Go get help for whatever your insecurities are and don't get into another relationship until you are a whole and healthy person or this very thing will happen again.

[soft heart]

I understand what you are saying but his last message to me said that I should respect that he said that he wants not contact until the weekend we will meet, which is next thursday? It is his birthday. We had arranged this meeting a while ago before all this happened. I think he is still expecting us to meet next weekend but I really need to do something so he can spend a nice weekend with me. I am just so afraid that things could go wrong. But that is why I have been respecting his wish to be left alone now. He is a very honest guy and I know that he would have told me by now if he did not want to meet him next week. However, I am also expecting an email or a call to tell me that during these three weeks he has realised that he is better off without me.

[MarnieGirl]

i agree with outcast.

 

i don't think you realized how much of the problem was you. his plans sound a little sketchy, and it's odd for someone who is in a relationship to say "no, i will not get back together with you...you have hurt me so...okay, well give me three more weeks as a break but then that's it, that's the last time!"

 

what does he need those three weeks for? and why three anyway? he is definitely not telling you something.

 

in any case, being the whining, begging girlfriend, asking for warm vacations during a busy time isn't exactly the way to anyone's heart.

 

people in general don't typically enjoy overly-needy individuals.

[MarnieGirl]

However, I am also expecting an email or a call to tell me that during these three weeks he has realised that he is better off without me.

 

well, that would be the purpose of the three weeks then, i guess. maybe his intentions were to take a break from you and then jump right back into it, but then he realized it doesn't happen that way.

 

at least you're learning that now and not later. or maybe he'll still call, who knows?

 

even if he does, i think you should stop worrying about his feelings and start paying a little more attention to yours.

[soft heart]

It's three weeks because when we met last time it was 2 weekends ago and next weekend I have a ticket to go and see him for his birthday so that makes it three. He wants us to have time apart to calm down and to think about our relationship. He said he needed a break from me as I have not been making him feel happy.

[MarnieGirl]

and is he making you happy?

 

really think about it.

 

people who are happy don't have to beg, they don't have to become clingy. they don't feel like their so's are hiding something, or lying, or cheating. they don't feel ignored or threatened.

 

or are you just trying to hold onto something that isn't there anymore, and holding onto it so hard that you're squeezing the life out of it? so hard that you don't even know why you're doing it because you're too busy squeezing to think about why?

 

are you honestly happy?

[Willy Wonka]

I find it odd that he doesn't want to talk to you while his friends are around. It speaks of his priorities in the relationship. If a guy really likes the girl, his friends will take a backseat and understand, especially if it's just a phone call. His friend being there is an excuse for his lack of interest in the relationship.

 

Granted, you might be a tad clingy, but he certainly is not showing signs of being committed to the relationship. I think you should let this one go. You deserve better.

[lostinyouth]

The best relationships come from fighting and working... Your suppose to do them both together. Not literally, of course. When you see him for his birthday, if you are still interested in him, tell him why you are so insecure. Also ask him why he is interested in you... I know very well that separation can wreak havok on a relationship. Where do you see your's going? You can't spend your entire life meeting someone every couple of weeks to interact physically. As far as I understand most men are physical beings... If his interest in you is solely for that purpose you are only hurting yourself in the long run.