Once A Friend

[dora]

Hello.

 

Please I would like an outsiders view of this issue that has been plaguing me. I got dumped by two people I cared for.

 

A group of girls and myself had a tight friendship for a year or more-we were inseperable, as they called us. A few months ago, one of the girls developed a 'special friendship' with a married man. At first I was stupid and I even encouraged her to tell him she liked him.

 

*****If she was goin to send me my walking papers anyway, she should have done it then by the way.****

 

Then an experience happened to me, not with a married man but with a man who could not date me openly. From that experience, I realized that a real relationship can only happen when both people give wholeheartedly. I imposed my opinion on her of the unfulfilling relationship and she grew distant from me. I later apologized for imposing my opinion. I thought she had accepted my apology because we went on hanging out-but the times were few. So, weeks later, she and another completely avoided me. I was confused about why the other had ignored me. What did I do? I did nothing to find out why they ignored me, rather I wrote a letter telling them thank you for their relationships and whatever the problem was the issue was no longer relevant.

 

The girl who actually recieved the letter, the other email address was incorrect, wrote me back wanting to know if we could work things out. I made the mistake of not replying soon enough with an actual letter. I sent her this meaningful free verse in the meantime. However...

 

Meanwhile, an outsider observed that the group of girls and I had drifted. He and I later spoke of how I am different now, seem more independent. I told him yes I am doing my own thing, that I feel I am more mature now because I have had more opportunities and experiences to learn from. Someone was listening to the conversation and talked about it and the girls found out.

 

They took it as a personal insult to their maturity and came to me after weeks or month of avoidance with a long letter, like this actually, disclosing many times they felt I had inflicted pain and hurt, saying how I always brought their hopes down, especially how they felt I repeatedly brought up how the guys they liked (the married one included) were jerks.Then they added that I was only interested in talking about my problems and how they were there to hear me out unlike me for them. They said that there's only so much that they can let go of. They said I had no idea how hurt I made them feel.

 

I felt sadness, disbelief and anger when I read the letter. This was a relationship I had cared for with all I had. After much thought again, I wrote them a letter telling them that I was sorry if my behavior hurt them. Pinpointed all the negatives I could be, you know selfish, impatient, mean, etc.-said I am human. I went on to say that I loved them with all I had to offer at the time. I went on to say that our friendship was trivialized by impatience, stubborness and gossip. However, life goes on and we make necessary changes or choices that suit our self-accepted morals and values. I sincerely wished them luck and I told them when they feel hurt or pain when they felt victimized, I could only hope that they look into those moments that they said the future had planned for them where they would have to act more maturely and more responsibly. I added that I find my greatest strength in moments which I have to live more maturely and more responsibly.

 

I am human. I make mistakes.

 

It was cowardly of me not to ask what was going on, I know. The relationships were obviously wearing thin and I saw them running, so I ran too.

 

They are human and they make mistakes.

 

I feel some people just drift apart because, for their own reasons, they don't care enough to communicate.

 

Do you feel I am totally clueless about relationships?

[Tony T]

You're not clueless but you're learning. Some friendships are solid and meant to last a long time, others are very fragile and conditional and you have to walk on egg shells. A friendship where you cannot speak your mind without fear of retailation or abandonment is certainly no friendship at all. In my opinion, these ladies you call "friends" were no friends at all.

 

As a practical matter, it is far better NOT to offer an opinion about the people your friends or acquaintances are dating. More often than not, they don't want to hear it and they will not take the advice you give...whether they ask for it or not. Unless you can be encouraging and positive, just don't comment at all (whether they ask for your comments or not).

 

Go find some friends who can handle your honesty and learn when to offer your opinion and when to keep it to yourself. I hope you will take the advice I have offered in the above paragraph.

 

You have no lost any real friends here.