He wasn't there for me, should I forgive?

[LoveSong]

I'm Hoping that you can help me put some perspective on this situation...

 

I've been with my LDR BF (2hrs away) for nearly 2 years, and despite the distance, we seem to work through our problems. We've talked about marriage, buying a house, etc. and we are in mutual agreement about me moving up to his area. Finding a decent job has prevented me from moving so far, but recent events are now making me reconsider the whole thing.

 

On Thursday, I found out that I needed outpatient surgery which was scheduled for Friday am. I called him as soon as I found out, and he told me he couldn't come down because he just started a new job (2 weeks ago). I was crushed. He knows that I do not have family around here, and I was really counting on him for his support. I believe that he cared and wanted to help, but I feel that in situations like that, he needed to reprioritize.

 

To make the situation worse, he began text fighting with me--I believe out of guilt for not being there. He claims that he was going to come down on Thursday night, but because I didn't answer the phone,(tried to call 5 times) he went out to play hockey and get food with his friends instead (to relieve his stress). I broke up with him.

 

Friday am he called me as soon as I turned my phone on after surgery and asked me if I was ok. He came down Friday night and took me for dinner. On Saturday, I told him that I was afraid to be with him cause he was not there for me when I needed him the most. He told me that there was no point in trying to work on our relationship if I couldn't understand his side of the situation.

 

I do understand what he is saying, but I do not agree with his priorities. I understand that he was in a difficult situation because it was a new job, but I wasn't asking him to skip work to go play at the beach. I understand that his job is important to him, but will it be there for him when he gets sick, old, hurt??

 

Am I being to hard on him? Should I try to work this out or just let it go?

[Craig]

On Thursday, I found out that I needed outpatient surgery which was scheduled for Friday am. I called him as soon as I found out, and he told me he couldn't come down because he just started a new job (2 weeks ago).

*Scratching head* I don't understand why you couldn't go for your outpatient surgery without having the desire to have him miss work at his new job so he could hold your hand?

 

Maybe from his point of view it was better to go to work rather than ask for time off so early in his new job. If your surgery were more serious do you think he'd be there for you then?

 

Is there more to this story or am I just not getting something here?

[amaysngrace]

Friday am he called me as soon as I turned my phone on after surgery and asked me if I was ok. He came down Friday night and took me for dinner.

 

I do understand what he is saying, but I do not agree with his priorities.

 

Am I being to hard on him? Should I try to work this out or just let it go?

 

I think you're being harsh on him. You sound very insecure. He called you immediately following surgery and came to see you that night.

 

It sounds like you expect him to jump through hoops for you and jeopardize his job to give you comfort in feeling secure with your relationship.

 

A relationship doesn't bring security or confidence, and maybe you have flawed expectations of what a relationship should be. It's give and take, you know? You can't just take...sometimes you gotta give too.

 

And right now I think you gotta give the guy a break.

[LoveSong]

Thank you for your responses. The surgery required general anesthesia, and I was nervous because I have had complications with anesthesia in the past. I did want him there for comfort and security. Thankfully I had friends that were there for me for support and rides. I just really wanted it to be him.

 

We've had many fights about him putting more into our relationship (he admits I give more to "us" than he does), so I think I am being a little harsh on him because of the other things he has put me through. Recently he has been trying harder to put in more effort, but I'm still unsure of his efforts... am I settling for crumbs?

 

My friends have told me that I am better off without him for several reasons including not making me a priority in his life. After this incident, even the dr told me that I can find someone better and that I didn't need the stuff he was dishing right before surgery.

[amaysngrace]

We've had many fights about him putting more into our relationship (he admits I give more to "us" than he does

 

but I'm still unsure of his efforts... am I settling for crumbs?

 

My friends have told me that I am better off without him for several reasons including not making me a priority in his life. After this incident, even the dr told me that I can find someone better and that I didn't need the stuff he was dishing right before surgery.

 

Okay, you sound extremely insecure and immature. Why does your doctor know of your personal relationship with your bf?

 

You have been keeping score on who-does-what in your relationship and that's not good at all. If you do that, you will have resentment. Get out and free this guy up to have a relationship with a more stable individual. And perhaps seek therapy for yourself so you aren't a toxin in your future relationships as well, no offense.

[Geoffrey]

I guess I'll have to tread carefully here, but who are you to determine another's priorities? Granted, it was a difficult situation you were both in, but couldn't someone else have gone with you to hold your hand, such as a close female friend or maybe a trusted coworker? This is not intended to tell you your feelings were wrong, or to minimize your trepidation about the surgery.

 

Do you measure the success of a relationship by how much you can GET out of it, instead of how much you can GIVE? I have had more than one woman in my life INSIST that they be SERVED by the man....that whatever they want is brought to them and handed to them. I am sorry, but this thread hit a big-time nerve with me and perhaps I should have remained silent. I actually felt angry and a little nauseated after I read the first post.

 

Women who act the way you did here are precisely the reason I will never date again....EVER.

[LoveSong]

amaysngrace-no offense taken. I have only given a few minor details, so you couldn't possibly know the relationship or the whole situation. As for the dr, I work with her, and all I told her was that I was upset with him because he couldn't be there for the surgery because he had a new job.

 

Geoffrey-I'm not trying to be "that girl"--I guess that's why I posted. I do not have relatives nearby, and a close friend did go with me.

In this relationship I have given 110%. He has even told me he doesn't know how I can give so much. We started fighting when I stopped dropping everything in my life to go running to help him. At that point, he started accusing me of cheating on him!! Hell of a nerve for someone who has broken up with me in the past to sleep with someone else!

As for priority, he puts me behind drinking, bars, his ex-wife, his ex-inlaws, hobbies, friends, etc, but then still tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. So, when this situation came up, I did expect him to be there for me. But, I think I've put too much pressure on this one instance because of my personal fears of the surgery and because of all the other times he let me down.

[amaysngrace]

Hell of a nerve for someone who has broken up with me in the past to sleep with someone else!

 

As for priority, he puts me behind drinking, bars, his ex-wife, his ex-inlaws, hobbies, friends, etc, but then still tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

I think you need to get rid of him then. He sounds like he's making you miserable, and if this was his final test, he failed miserably.

 

You only have one life...you should have happiness

[The slayer]

Never mind what other people think.Never mind whether you have been too hard on him or not (which at the end of the day only you can judge)

 

What do you want?

 

Do you see yourself having a future with this guy or not?

 

Interestingly you don't seem to mention anywhere whether or not you love him.

[SoleMate]

As for priority, he puts me behind drinking, bars, his ex-wife, his ex-inlaws, hobbies, friends, etc, but then still tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

Hey, that right there shows that this r/s is NO GOOD for you. I don't have a strong opinion on the surgery thing. How important was the job, how hard would it have been to get the time off? How hard did he try to get hold of you? When he was off work, did he make it his #1 priority to come and see you?

 

My bf recently went in for emergency surgery (general anesthesia). I heard this news from his mom (he could not talk due to facial swelling), but she didn't tell me what hospital. I made some calls, found the hospital, found out his surgery schedule, and made sure that I was right there in the recovery room when he came out. Granted, I did not have any other obligations that evening. However, if I had had such obligations, I would have done a lot to come and see him, and I am sure I could have found a way. He stayed four days, and I spent 4-6 hours with him every day of his stay.

 

Geoffrey said: Do you measure the success of a relationship by how much you can GET out of it, instead of how much you can GIVE? I have had more than one woman in my life INSIST that they be SERVED by the man....that whatever they want is brought to them and handed to them...Women who act the way you did here are precisely the reason I will never date again....EVER...

Wow. There is a lot of difference between wanting to be accompanied to a hospital visit, vs. demanding that you set her up with chips, Diet Coke and foot massage whenever she snaps her fingers. I understand you had some bad experiences, Geoffrey, but I really don't agree that they have any relevance to the OP's question. You can start your own thread on this issue.

 

I told him that I was afraid to be with him cause he was not there for me when I needed him the most.

Question: Was that an authentic feeling of fear, or was it designed to be a hurtful, distancing remark to cover up your own pain?

 

Sounds like you two could both use some communication guidance and maybe learn cognitive techniques to reduce the distancing. Please try The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. He's got excellent, practical ideas for making couples communication productive and pleasant for both parties.

 

Don't even think of getting married if you two cannot fully work out this issue, OR if you continue to believe you're at best #7 on his list. You'll be very u nhappy if you do.

[Fun2BMe]

I don't think he would have lost his job if he had not yet taken any days off and took one day off to be with you at surgery. There are lots of jobs but only one you, especially considering you have had complications with anaesthesia in the past.

 

Just because you want your bf by your side at such a time does not mean you are insecure as others are saying. If you didn't feel the need to have him there, I am sure you would not have asked, knowing his job is new and all. The fact that you asked and he refused says a lot about how important you are to him. I can't think of any boyfriend I've been with for 2 years who if I asked for such support would have said no, especially if it was to not miss one day of work.

 

On top of it he puts bars, his ex-wife, ex in-laws and friends ahead of you? You have to say bye bye to this one and be with someone who will put you first, then the ex and bars and so on. I think NOT to would indicate you are insecure and unworthy of basic essentials in a relationship.

[Geoffrey]

I see, so we only got a portion of the whole enchilada. Guess I jumped a little too soon to offer an opinion. Nevermind what I wrote....