Refusing to give up

[attheready]

In 2000, my wife ( the love of my life) said that she didn't feel "in love" with me and that I deserved to be loved as much as I love her. She and I separated at that time. Exactly one year later, after numerous attempts at saving the marriage and I had resigned myself to the knowledge that I would soon be signing divorce papers. Something moved me to call her, I had been out of town working and had not heard anything reguarding the status of the divorce.

When she answered the phone and realized it was me, the tone of her voice was different than it had been during the entire separation. She said she missed me, she had called the attourney and stopped her from filing the papers and said she wanted to work it out. When I came back into town we became inseperable, happy and acting like newlyweds.

Exactly 4 years later on exactly the same date Oct.3rd, she came back from a weekend at the beach with her girlfriends and told me she again wanted to separate.

I f I had not been devistated the first time I was truely crushed this time. Over the past 4 years, I had taken her down off the pedetal I had placed her on before, treated her as thought I was worthy of having her and gave her all the room and time she needed for herself.

So, now for the past 8+ months, we have been bouncing back and fourth between on the verge of divorce and getting back together. Now she lies to her boyfriend( whom she met about 3 months after moving out)to spend time with me. When she is with me, she expresses doubts as to weather or not she really belongs with him. He is 10 years her senior and she no responsibilities with him. On the other hand, we now talk as real friends when we are together and really enjoy spending time together.

Here is the rub.....I don't want to get a divorce but, I don't want to head into another heartbreak. We have been married for 13 years now. We have struggled through poverty, child rearing problems( she is my kids step mom), health problems and the same specrum of troubles and joys any other couple can expect to go through. Not to mention 2 separations. I am so deeply " IN LOVE" with this woman it sometimes scares me. When we are together, we have an unbelievable sex life, we share the same interests and have so much in common. Our mutual friends have always told me that they wish their relationships were like ours and they are all shocked at the current state of that seemingly perfect relationship.

I am giving her all the freedom to choose freely for herself as to where she wants to be. I place no restrictions on her and never pressure her to leave her boyfriend. I realize that I will only get what I truely want by attraction, not through promotion or the hard sell.

I believe that she is truely my soul mate and that we belong together.

 

Am I nuts?

[attheready]

I was hopn' someone might give me some insight here

[Woggle]

Just file for divorce right now and get it over with. You are letting her have her cake and eatn it too as far as the boyfriend is concerned and she is playing you for a fool. Even if she agrees to go back to you this time who is to say that a few years down the road she won't want out again.

[attheready]

Just file for divorce right now and get it over with. You are letting her have her cake and eatn it too as far as the boyfriend is concerned and she is playing you for a fool. Even if she agrees to go back to you this time who is to say that a few years down the road she won't want out again.

 

Sometimes I get that same thought in my head too. It's also the obvious logical course.

Then I start feeling like she's just confused and needs some time.....I have passed thru the desparate stage and the anxiety stage. I just feel that if something is worth having and you really want it, perhaps some sacrifice and understanding is not too high a price to pay.

When my first marriage ended, it was a huge relief...this is so different.

[Woggle]

Sometimes I get that same thought in my head too. It's also the obvious logical course.

Then I start feeling like she's just confused and needs some time.....I have passed thru the desparate stage and the anxiety stage. I just feel that if something is worth having and you really want it, perhaps some sacrifice and understanding is not too high a price to pay.

When my first marriage ended, it was a huge relief...this is so different.

 

She has been confused since 2000. How much longer does she need to be confused and how much longer will you be her doormat? She is openly dating another man right under your nose and you are sitting around waiting like some puppy until she is ready. Maybe if you actually showed some backbone you might save this marriage because she would respect you.

[whichwayisup]

She isn't going to DO anything because she has two men in her life, fulfilling all her needs. She won't choose either way right now until she is FORCED to make a choice.

 

Woggle is right, until you stand up to her (as much as it will hurt you) and tell her you two are over unless she ends it with this other man and goes to marriage counselling with you to fix things.

 

I usually don't tell people to walk away from their marriages because of the history, and vows being said, but in your case, your wife is acting very selfish and is hurting you NOW and has been for 6 years! Enough already. You may not see it now, but you'll be better off alone because that way you don't have to deal with the love of your life cheating on you daily while still with you.

 

Sorry for your pain and I know you're hurting. But it's time to protect yourself and really think about your future, and your child's future too.

[sirjay]

i agree. be super strong and tell her she has to make up her mind once and for all and then refuse to speak to her at all unless she completely cuts off the other guy and does a lot of fixing up. you have given her carte blanche to never properly commit to you.

[Woggle]

Tell her she either gives up the other guy and commits or you will file for divorce.

[attheready]

That's the angle I have taken recently. I ordered the divorce papers on line and called her to get some info for filling them out. I'm moving in the direction of getting on with my life and when she saw that, that's when she started approaching me and we started talking.

[whichwayisup]

I will say this. Your wife DOES love you, she's just not feeling that intense feeling like we all feel at the beginning stages of a relationship. If only we could bottle that feeling and bring it out when things slow down and life gets gets routine. It seems that INTENSE feeling the OM may bring out in her is what she wants. Sadly, if she is willing to give up your marriage to hang onto someone for the "fun" stuff in life, she's going to regret it at some point. She isn't thinking clearly enough right now to KNOW what she wants because of the feelings she has for the OM. Lust and attraction is not long lasting love...

[gfto]

This woman isn't confused. Her interest level in you is in that 40% to 49% range, i.e., even though she's through with you, she'll still play around with you because you let her. Your interest level in her is about 95%, hence your confusion. I'd file and move on with my life.

[sirjay]

... but her interest level isn't a static thing. he isn't challenging her, therefore she isn't in a position where she has to make a decision. what he needs to do is SUDDENLY, out of the blue, make moves to cut her off. make it look like it is ABSOLUTELY final. if she saw you with another super fine woman, that would be a good thing.

 

i think she loves him a lot more than 50% overall but she doesnt feel any risk of losing him so...

[attheready]

What has given me the patience and strength to not give up are the reports from my mother in law. She tells me that when they talk, my wife talks about me, not the OM. My wife tells her that they really have nothing to talk about and they share almost nothing in common.

I don't feel like a doormat because when we are together, she treats me with respect and affection. I have seen those doormat relationships and this is nothing like that. Of course you might say " How much can she respect you, if she knows how you feel but is still with the OM?" I have looked at that aspect too. My gut feeling would be different if she treated me like s*** or came across as though it was my privilage to spend time with her.

[Alexandra]

She isn't going to DO anything because she has two men in her life, fulfilling all her needs. She won't choose either way right now until she is FORCED to make a choice.

 

Woggle is right, until you stand up to her (as much as it will hurt you) and tell her you two are over unless she ends it with this other man and goes to marriage counselling with you to fix things.

 

While I don't agree with the percentage someone mentioned and whether or not she still loves you I agree with the text in bolds wholeheartedly. It's easy to get used to the most extreme of circumstances and people often do. Dysfunctional marriages of all shapes and forms subsist for many years because of how adaptable to abnormality we can be as humans. So, in a sense, if you're fine with the status quo and don't want a chance at a healthy marriage then by all means, continue being overly cautious. If, on the other hand you want to make things right you need her and you need help. Both of which will require effort on your part to aquire.

 

I also think you need counselling (personally, although ideally marriage therapy will present itself as necessary) for another reason. Consider this. You deeply love her, you have gone through excruciatingly painful situations to be with her, you believe she loves you back and yet you display no apparent anger at the thought that she is now living with someone else.

 

Generally, when people are faced with infidelity or even with a former partner being with someone else they go through a natural grief process. It may be that you're stuck in denial. I could be wrong but regardless of what phase you are in and what is in store for your marriage you need to see a professional that can help you figure it all out.

[Guest]

Six years ago, she told him she doesn't love him anymore. And, now she has a boyfriend. What is counseling going to accomplish?

[whichwayisup]

What has given me the patience and strength to not give up are the reports from my mother in law. She tells me that when they talk, my wife talks about me, not the OM. My wife tells her that they really have nothing to talk about and they share almost nothing in common.

I don't feel like a doormat because when we are together, she treats me with respect and affection. I have seen those doormat relationships and this is nothing like that. Of course you might say " How much can she respect you, if she knows how you feel but is still with the OM?" I have looked at that aspect too. My gut feeling would be different if she treated me like s*** or came across as though it was my privilage to spend time with her.

 

Can you live with that? Sharing your wife with another man? Your wife treats you well when she's home and life seems good when you two are together then why on earth is she having an affair with OM? If they don't have much incommon and don't have much to talk about...... ..... Ok, you can read between the lines......I'm just saying that's UNFAIR to you and you don't have settle for it! You shouldn't have to share your wife with another man to KEEP her happy at home. Has she forgotten she said vows to you?

 

This just isn't right and I don't know, maybe right now you don't want to see the full picture but letting her continue what she's doing to is just going to make you feel worse and worse. This is why it's so hard for you...She's being NICE about it all...Selfishly so she can have her cake and eat it too! Be married to you, have a home and doesn't have to give up her comfort, her life, doesn't have to deal with the fallout of an affair when friends/family find out....She's being really selfish and to be honest, life just doesn't work this way! What she's doing to you is CRUEL. Plain and simple.

[jmars]

My wife recently separated from me. I very dedicated to winning her back, as cold as she seems at times these days. It's like my effort toward her is 110% and hers is, like, 10%.

 

She still tells me she loves me regularly, and I fully accept and appreciate that 10% as what she is presently able to give... despite what a fool/doormat I feel like at times.

 

However, one thing that has been plainly and bluntly discussed is seeing other people. We have both agreed to NOT see any other people and maintain our troth to one another, minus the "icing" part of physical contact for now.

 

If she ever broke that promise, that would be too much for me... who isn't exacty old, hairless and wrinkly just yet. Not by a long shot. So, yeah, I think that is the one line that absolutely CANNOT be crossed if I as a man am to continue to let her have her cake.

 

Anyway, I feel for you man. I hope things turn out well for you.

[attheready]

Thanks folks...after a whole day of reading your responses and many phone calls to friends and family...I decided to stop. She has to choose.

I have an awfull feeling in my gut ,that says I'm going to lose the love of my life but, in the long fun I will save my self respect.

[Woggle]

If you do lose her then look forward to the single life. Having a good woman in your life is agreat thing but don't base your entire happiness around that because more often than not they end up breaking your heart.

[daphne]

I'm not a marketer. I do think you'd benefit highly from a book called stop your divorce.

[attheready]

I'm not a marketer. I do think you'd benefit highly from a book called stop your divorce.

 

That's a head game and she could see it coming from a mile away....thanks though.

[attheready]

My wife recently separated from me. I very dedicated to winning her back, as cold as she seems at times these days. It's like my effort toward her is 110% and hers is, like, 10%.

 

She still tells me she loves me regularly, and I fully accept and appreciate that 10% as what she is presently able to give... despite what a fool/doormat I feel like at times.

 

However, one thing that has been plainly and bluntly discussed is seeing other people. We have both agreed to NOT see any other people and maintain our troth to one another, minus the "icing" part of physical contact for now.

 

If she ever broke that promise, that would be too much for me... who isn't exacty old, hairless and wrinkly just yet. Not by a long shot. So, yeah, I think that is the one line that absolutely CANNOT be crossed if I as a man am to continue to let her have her cake.

 

Anyway, I feel for you man. I hope things turn out well for you.

 

 

 

Well, I laid it out today.......me or him....PERIOD.....we'll see. If it doesn't go my way, then f*** em both....I"m getting on with my life.

[Guest]

Well, I laid it out today.......me or him....PERIOD.....we'll see. If it doesn't go my way, then f*** em both....I"m getting on with my life.

 

As hard as this was to do, you absolutely did the right thing. You might think that she respected you before, but her actions ooze with disrespect. This is at the very heart of the matter. You have NOW started the process of gaining respect back. If she chooses to leave, I would advise to graciously let her go and remain serious to your statement above. Over the upcoming weeks and months, she will realize that you really are serious ... and only then will she truly respect you and maybe reconcile. If you don't remember anything else, please rememeber that respect always preceedes romantic love. ALWAYS. I would also advise to always be cool, calm, collected, but equally firm with her.

 

I know this is hard right now. But, again, you did the right thing. Be very proud of yourself. "Love Must Be Tough" (Dr. Dobson) would be an excellent read at this time.

[AriaIncognito]

You totally did the right thing. You're daring to choose yourself. Good for you. Good luck, either way, it appears you will need it. And know LS is here for you to vent.

 

Jennifer

[attheready]

The past 48 hours have been gut wrenching. She is pissed as hell that I have thrown down the gauntlet.....woo! She said I'm just trying to make her do something I want her to do and I told her that I'm giving her a choice.

This is the toughest thing I have ever done. My first divorce was a relief, this break up is awful.