breakup or just a break!!

[iaminherewithyou]

So my girlfriend (or unofficial fiance) who I have lived with for the past 2 years is at a crossroads.

 

Little background: She is very insecure and shows this most often by acts of jealousy...constantly asking me if I am in an affair at work, have I had and contact with ex girlfriends etc...

 

Almost 2 weeks ago, she took a trip for 2 days and when she got back she took it upon herself to go thru my email for any signs of infidelity. I am very confident and secure person, so I do not do the same to her as I trust her. But she searched thru my gmail and found a note from a year and a half ago from my ex. It was just a friendly letter but in the contents of the letter she found out that at the beginning of our relationship, when she was out of town I had gone to see my ex and drop off some of her stuff. You have to understand, that when I broke off with my ex I met my new girlfriend only 2 weeks afterwards. My ex was not living with me, but she had a lot of stuff there. She had come by and picked it up originally, but there was still some other stuff.

 

I have to admit, that after the breakup with my ex I remained on good terms, and although there was no intimacy afterward (and even when we were together it was not that intimate) we remained friends. So when my girlfriend left town, I did go up and drop off some of her stuff and even hung out for a little while. But nothing more. I also cut all contact with every girl as a result of her jealousy. Girls that were just friends were told to stop calling me. That kind of hurt, and seemed a bit excessive.

 

Anyway, the reason she is so mad is because she had asked me a almost 2 years ago I had ever been to her house and I told her no. So her finding an email that was 1.5 years ago talking about something that happened when we first met seemed irrelevant to me, but was a smoking gun for her. She completely freaked out and started throwing things around my house. She left that morning for work very upset and would not return my calls. She came in mid week and got some of here stuff when I was at work. I was able to contact her on her cell just after she was at my house gathering her stuff and we were able to talk a little without being mad. We even rationalized and came to the conclusion that she needs to get some counciling, which I support and would go with her.

 

She told me she was cheated on in previous relationships. I knew that she is just trying to protect herself AND that these emotions are something much deeper than what is on the surface.

 

Finally, she calmed down the following weekend and I was able to have a rational conversations about all of this. Her sister came down for the weekend for support and I think that helped.

 

At the beginning of this week I tried to call her on her cell phone but she would not answer or return my calls. I texted her messages of love and support but nothing...Finally I called here on here work line called and got thru but she was a different person, angry and mean. Probably angry that I used her work phone to get in contact with here as she could not see who was calling her. She told me that I need to get over her and that she doesn't want to see me at all. She told me not to call her forget about it, that she is moving out AND to move on. This from the girl who is very jealous an carefully check everything of mine...a relationship with mutual love and respect up to this point.

 

So now I am the one who is hurt. I really love her very much and it has been really hard trying NOT to contact her, as I know this is probably what this relationship needs: a break to think things out. I guess I am not taking this too well, because she won't talk to me about it at all. I talked to her sister and she says that she loves me but she need time and space to think thru her emotions. She is also upset that I have proposed to her and not even got her a ring. Now I feel like an idiot more than anything as If I could have just done this before it may have somehow fixed the insecurity --maybe. However, those very acts of chronic jealousy are what may have kept me from getting the promise ring. I don't know, and right now I am confused.

 

I think I know what I have to do here, it is just so hard to be away from her at this point, and do the no contact thing. More importantly, because she is not contacting me at all, I have no closure, or idea what is going on her. That is just not fair. Now it has been 4 days since I have talked at all with here. I have attempted numorous time to get in touch with her but never get thru. I left her a message last night telling her that I love and support her, but I think it is very important that we actually communicate and get thru this.

 

 

Anyway, any advice would be helpful.

[soft heart]

Hello there,

 

I am terribly sorry what you are going through! It must hurt so much.

 

Your post makes me realise what my boyfriend must be going through at times because I can behave just like your girlfriend and it's awful! I admit that it's awful. Firstly, I am also very very insecure that he will cheat on me and I am so scared about this because I have been cheated on in my previous relationships and my dad has met someone else while married to my mum so it left a big scar in my heart and my mind. However, it does not give your girlfriend or me the right to hurt the person closest to us.

 

I think she probably really loves you and is scared to death of loosing you and is now acting out of protection. At least these are my reasons for behaving such way with my boyfriend. However, I am aware that this is not what love is about. It's controlling and manipulating. So if you want any chance back with this girl, stop calling her all together. That's what my boyfriend has done. I also told him that it's over and I did not even meant it and now he told me that he needs a complete break from me and time to think. I am hurting so much because I think I have lost him BUT his decision made me realise so much that he did not and does not deserve to be treated this way just because I am really insecure. One thing that I would wish from my boyfriend more is to give me a little bit more reassurance about him and us but even if he tells me he loves me, I still get scared the next day of loosing him. So I know very well that it's not really him the problem. So please don't blame yourself. You have done nothing wrong. And also if she is angry with you, there is no reason why she should not be answering your calls seeing that you really love her.

 

If I were you, I would send her an email and explain to her what exactly happened between you and your ex-girlfriend and reassure her that you love her since the beginning and she should not worry about your ex-girlfriend at all. You should not let her controll you so much to the point that you stop talking to your girl friends because you will resent her later for that. Have you given her any reason for her not to trust you? You sound like a genuine and loving guy who really cares about his girl. Maybe you need to put your food down this time and be strong and make her realise that this is not the way to have a loving relationship. Either she will talk to you or you need to leave her alone and make her realise that she could really loose you if she does not swallow her little pride. Tell her that these behaviours from her are exactly what makes you hesitate to put a ring on her finger and you wished that she also understood your position. You are a man who needs to be trusted and appreciate for his efforts. At the moment without even realising she is making the relationship all about her and she forgets that it's very selfish. Tell her that you need some time as you are hurt and when she is ready to have a calm and not accusatory talk to call you and then leave her alone. Do not contact her at all. You will see.

 

I have not heard from my boyfriend for more than 2 weeks and it's killing me but I know that this break is really good for us especially for me. I am supposed to meet him next week and he said that he will let me know if it's a good idea or not. I know that if I started to argue against that, he will leave for good as I know now that my overreactions and selfish behaviour have gone way too far. You need to show her that you are not solely on this planet for her! You have a life with your own friends and she should respect it and accept that means girl friends too. She needs to make more efforts otherwise you will end up being unhappy like my boyfriend is now.

 

If you need any more advice, let me know. I will be more than happy to help. I feel bad for you.

[MarnieGirl]

well, you did lie, didn't you? i mean, unless i read it wrong.

 

i don't like when people lie to me either, or who conveniently leave things out to make me believe something that isn't entirely true.

[soft heart]

I don't agree with MarnieGirl.

 

This poor guy he probably was scared to say the truth as he can see was scared of her overreactions. It's true that he should not lie but he clearly does love his new girlfriend and he probably thought that thi

[MarnieGirl]

I don't agree with MarnieGirl.

 

This poor guy he probably was scared to say the truth as he can see was scared of her overreactions. It's true that he should not lie but he clearly does love his new girlfriend and he probably thought that thi

 

what are you disagreeing with? so you do like people lying to you, fine. are you disagreeing that he lied? cause in your above statement you obviously see he did, in fact, lie...you're just justifying it.

 

sorry just not sure what you're disagreeing with...?

[soft heart]

I don't agree with MarnieGirl.

 

This poor guy was probably too scared to say the truth as he was most probably scared of her overreactions. It's true that he should not lie but he clearly does love his new girlfriend and he probably thought that this not something worth spoiling their new relationship.

 

I think the fact that his new girlfriend is so jelous and throws things around his house shows some deep issues, which she has to deal with. Also she has absolutely no right to read his emails. I mean that's invading his privacy and they are not even married yet. It looks to me that he has made too many sacrifices for her and she has not made one for him so there is no equality. He needs to put his food down and turn the situation round so he is more in control.

 

I think the fact that she is also asking him about whether he has an affair at work rather then worrying if he is tired from work shows a big problem. He definitely needs to sort this problem out by talking to her about it and possibly suggest for her to go and see a counsellor.

[MarnieGirl]

you're ignoring, or i guess, justifying, that he lied to her.

 

if her reactions were so scary, then he should have ended the relationship or accepted that certain scarifices be made by him. hiding and lying are never good.

 

i am not saying she is perfect, far from it. but he's no innocent thing here either.

 

i mean, if you know i freak out, but you're still with me despite of it, don't do things that you know will make me freak out and then expect me not to freak out, then complain when i do. or lie so i didn't freak out, and then expect me not to freak at that either...i mean come on, this guy had to expect this and should have known better.

 

not to mention that the whole "picking things up from- and giving back things to-exes" thing is very often seen as a cheesy way for exes to contact each other, especially in time soon after a break-up. i wouldn't be thrilled with that, and i would be even less thrilled to be lied to about it.

[soft heart]

I am not justifying his actions but I can put myself into his shoes. If my boyfriend whom I have just met and I really starting to fall for and he would be very jelous, I would probably try make all possible efforts for him not to worry about things, which are not important.

 

I mean shouldn't he be angry now with her that she is sneaking around and goes into his mailbox? I mean this to me is worst then anything. It shows such a lack of respect on her part. He is the one begging her to talk to him? He should be right upset that she reads his emails. He does not do this to her.

 

It's not so easy just to say he should have broken up with her. I mean relationships are not black and white. Even though you see some behaviours from your partner, you overlook them to start with as you have just met them and you want to give the relationship a chance. I think if he ever admitted that he went to this ex-girlfriend's house, she would have probably questioned the death out of him about his ex.

 

I just think that ok he has made one mistake where he did not tell her the truth. But her behaviout towards him is disrespectful. I think if my friend opened my mailbox, I would feel betrayed. It's his privacy. So if a girlfriend or a boyfriend does that,I think that's something to be angry about. And he even stopped talking to all his female friends just for her to be happy and it's still not enough as she still goes into his mailbox while he doesn't know about it and is still questioning him about his work and whether he is having an affair or not. I think that's something that he needs to consider if he can live with.

[MarnieGirl]

but it's obviously still enough for him to still be with her. see what i mean? if he isn't going to break up with her, then he is accepting the situation. that's all i am saying. not that it's easy, not that he shouldn't be mad, but that if he lets all these things happen and still sticks around, no matter how often she snoops and loses her cool, as long as he is still in the relationship, he is saying he will put up with her behaviour.

[MarnieGirl]

 

He should be right upset that she reads his emails. He does not do this to her.

 

I think if he ever admitted that he went to this ex-girlfriend's house, she would have probably questioned the death out of him about his ex.

 

 

so her snooping is bad, but his hanging out with an ex, while his girlfriend is out of town, and then hiding it and lying, isn't? she snooped because she knew he was lying.

 

she might be a little quick to jump the gun, but she knew he was not being honest about something for two whole years. that's enough to make someone panic a little and maybe want to find out the truth when you know you're not getting it. i can't say i blame her; i get those feelings too, when someone is lying, most people do.

[Thursday_le]

I swear MarnieGirl just tries to start things due to: not careing about the other persons feelings. Just like she did in my post. As she did in this one. I also do not agree with MarnieGirl.

[lostinyouth]

My take of your situation... If she wants space, give it to her. If you love her you will respect her wishes and demands. Love is putting the person you love's needs before your own. A hard lesson to learn for some of us.

[soft heart]

I agree... that I find MarniGirl quite cold-hearted and not really understanding of other peoples feelings.

[iaminherewithyou]

what are you disagreeing with? so you do like people lying to you, fine. are you disagreeing that he lied? cause in your above statement you obviously see he did, in fact, lie...you're just justifying it.

 

sorry just not sure what you're disagreeing with...?

 

MarnieGirl, what SoftHeart is saying is that sometimes it is hard to tell the truth because you know that the person will overreact to the thing that happened --even if it is innocous. So a person will conviently 'not tell' them about something. Yes, in a way it is lying. However, this is a sensitive area because it all happened right at the begining of my relationship with this new person. I broke up with my ex and then started seeing this girl within a two week period. The ex came by and picked up most of her stuff, but there were a few things that I managed to find that she really wanted. In a way it was a good thing to see the ex because it allowed me to have closure, and let her know that I had completely moved on. I also let her know that I would always be her friend. Anyway, right you are...it was wrong to not let her know. What would you have done? Had I let her know it would have been a complete disaster. I am not a good liar, and it is easy to tell when I am doing so.

 

Basically, I am gulity until proven innocent in this current relationship. Yes I love and need this woman in my life, but perhaps I have not realized that I am being abused here. I basically avoid the confrontation, and whenever she accuses me totally unreasonable acts of unfaithfulness that she dreamed up, I would shrug it off. It like I am just used to it, and accept it. Sucks huh? I have never been in a realtionship like this.

 

Anyway, seems like things are getting better as far as communication. My friends all tell me I am crazy to get back together after I tell them this story. I know that she needs help, and I really want to help her. I guess what I really an wondering is if she will ever overcome these 'psychotically jealous' feelings and would I be willing to deal with this the rest of my life. It can totally spoil an otherwise healthly reationship. I mean, there are at least 10 things I like about her and only this one that I hate. That's a pretty good ratio, don't you think? However, the one thing is something that could be the ultimate demise.

 

Live and learn.

 

Thanks for the thoughs soft heart.

[MarnieGirl]

I swear MarnieGirl just tries to start things due to: not careing about the other persons feelings. Just like she did in my post. As she did in this one. I also do not agree with MarnieGirl.

 

not agreeing doesn't mean i don't care. having a different insight doesn't mean i don't care. not sharing your opinion doesn't mean i don't care. my god.