Had the talk..

[Melinlove]

Now what??

 

 

Nothing is final yet and he asked about counseling which is odd to me because before we got married I tried to get him into it and he refused for our issues we had pre-marriage. I just don't feel it would do much but waste more $$ we don't have. As part of divorce you are given this option so maybe I'd see someone but I really don't see any feelings coming back. I have tried my feelings are all gone towards him. Sure I care about him as a person and feel bad that I feel this way but I can't and WONT live in guilt either.

 

We discussed our child(3 years) of course. I told him she'd be devestated if she was away from me which he knows. And he said she'd be for him and I agree'd but that she has easier time separating from him than me. I would NEVER keep him from seeing her. She has issues being away from me more than a few hours let alone hardly seeing me. She is used to hardly seeing her daddy as he works soooooo much. He brings up he doesn't want her raised in a broken home and I mention it wouldn't be too go fo rher to be in a unhappy home meaning "mommy" is unhappy all the time(and I know how this stuff leads to depression and I NEVER want to go there again) and he agree'd.

 

He mentions saving things and wants to know if I just want to work on paper work or what? I just don't have any feelings left to work with so I doubt cousenling would work and would turn out to be a waste of time and money we don't have.

 

 

Anybody out there do it yourself WITH child???? I think this is the way we will go because of the costs. Neither of us makes enough for lawyers and all that.

[Austin83]

I know you may not "feel" like you love your husband right now. However, love and feelings are not the most important aspect of a marriage. A marriage is based on a foundation of commitment. This is never more important than in a marriage with children. Weather you and your husband planned your child or not, she became top of the food chain the moment she was born. Divorce is bad for children no matter which way you look at it. There are some instances where divorce is a must, such as cases of physical or sexual abuse. This, however, does not change the fact that the divorce will still have a negative impact on the child(ren).

 

Love is a choice, I'm NOT talking about the physiological feeling of being "in love," I'm talking about real emotional love. You have the choice to love your husband. In fact, you promised to do so in your marriage vows, assuming they were traditional in nature. This is not to say that you will always feel like you love him. Conversely, he may, and probably won't always feel like he loves you. This is where the foundation of commitment comes into play. Feelings are fickle; they can and will change MANY times over the course of a relationship. Feelings are not to be trusted. I know there is nothing that I can say to you within the confines of this forum that will make your feelings change. You must change your actions and your outlook, and your feelings will follow.

 

Before you make any final decisions I would HIGHLY recommend reading both "The Five Love Languages," and "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce." It sounds to me like your husband does not want to get divorced, so he can skip the latter title. However, he ABSOLUTLEY needs to read "The Five Love Languages," probably more so than you. I am not in any way trying to say that your feelings are not justified. There are probably very good reasons for the way you feel. I will leave you with this: Actions beget feelings, and as actions change, so to will the feelings they caused.

 

P.S.- You say that your daughter is used to not seeing her father very much because of his work schedule. Take away the time he sees her, or is just around her due to the fact that you all share a home. What are you left with? How often will he see her once it becomes an activity that requires scheduling?

[Melinlove]

yeah you are probably right not much you say can change my feelings.

 

But I know where this unhappiness leads to I've been there. It leads to depression and there is no way I want to go back there and no way I think its healthy for our child to see that. There are many things that have built up and I don't think there is any going back to those loving feelings. When I don't feel a thing about the thought of him never coming back I think something is missing and not just feelings. KWIM?

 

Commitment well its hard to feel that when I had no trust for so long. I finally got a lack of caring about those insecurities. Perhaps I "owe" it to him to go to counseling and perhaps I will. But I don't feel it will do any good. I was just reading up on the different kinds of love and that was one thing I felt our marriage lacked. That I know of he hasn't cheated and I KNOW I haven't atleast not physically emotionally(in my own head perhaps by developing feelings for someone else) but not spoken those feelings to said person. If you saw my post in the other forum about coworker you'd see its complicated by developing feelings for another man. I know I would not and will not act on those feelings until marriage is over. But I can't help but think I couldn't have developed those feelings if I had love for my husband. Regardless of divorce I don't see me jumping into anything with this other guy though because I have learned that lesson after 3 years of marriage to a rebound.

[dgiirl]

It seems you've been depressed in the past, so I think it's highly plausible that you are prone to depression. Personally, I think you might be heading down that road already, and the depression is making you feel the need to divorce. I dont think the marriage is making you depressed, but the depression is making you want to divorce. I'm not saying your marriage is perfect and nothing needs to change, but the trick to depression is changing the way you look at the situation. As for developing feelings for another person. It happens all the time. You get into a long term relationship and you both let things slide and dont work on the relationship. It becomes stale and you both become unhappy. Then someone new comes into the picture, it's new, exciting, you get those butterfly feelings and you think you're in love again. The problem is those feelings never last. In 5 years from now, you'll be feeling the same way towards this new guy that you do towards your husband. What do you suppose you should do? Keep moving on to one guy to the next? To make any good relationship succeed, you need to put the effort into it. You need to stop looking at all the negative things you each do, and appreciate the good things you each do. It really is all in your mind. You can control your happiness simply by controlling your thoughts. I was watching a documentary on marriage and they had this old couple who was married for 50+ years. They asked them what was the key to their marriage and she responded "We never fell out of love at the same time". I'll never forget that. One might fall out of love for a short period, but the other picked up the slack.

[DesperateDad]

It seems you've been depressed in the past, so I think it's highly plausible that you are prone to depression. Personally, I think you might be heading down that road already, and the depression is making you feel the need to divorce. I dont think the marriage is making you depressed, but the depression is making you want to divorce. I'm not saying your marriage is perfect and nothing needs to change, but the trick to depression is changing the way you look at the situation. As for developing feelings for another person. It happens all the time. You get into a long term relationship and you both let things slide and dont work on the relationship. It becomes stale and you both become unhappy. Then someone new comes into the picture, it's new, exciting, you get those butterfly feelings and you think you're in love again. The problem is those feelings never last. In 5 years from now, you'll be feeling the same way towards this new guy that you do towards your husband. What do you suppose you should do? Keep moving on to one guy to the next? To make any good relationship succeed, you need to put the effort into it. You need to stop looking at all the negative things you each do, and appreciate the good things you each do. It really is all in your mind. You can control your happiness simply by controlling your thoughts. I was watching a documentary on marriage and they had this old couple who was married for 50+ years. They asked them what was the key to their marriage and she responded "We never fell out of love at the same time". I'll never forget that. One might fall out of love for a short period, but the other picked up the slack.

 

Great post, dgiirl!

[bunset]

meinlove,

 

absolutely work hard on keeping yourself out of reach of the other person you have feelings for... that's number one, along with taliking care of yourself. Yes, do some counseling in your seperation process..absolutely.

You will need it (IC=individual counseling).

Right now you seem to be beating yourself up because of the lost feelings for your spouse, while harboring some feelings for another. Counseling should help you cope with that. I'm having to agree with your assessment about your child growing up in an 'unhappy home'.

Last night my 11yo son just came out and said "you two just need to quit talking to eachother, because I'm sick of the fights"

Yooo-Hoo, wake up call.

This will be a difficult and long process, and you all need as much counseling as you can get/find/afford. Exhaust every avenue to get it!

All of your family memebers need support to find happiness.

Getting over the 'hump' of depression or blues or pure dissatisfaction may require the full commitment to seperate or divorce. Only after you all have time to find satisfaction within yourself can you ever find it alongside a partner.

[Guest]

Well it wasn't like a huge depression. I never took anything or saw anybody. I got myself out of there. My ex before husband was addicted to video games and completely ignored me. He'd literally play 18+ hours a day. If he wasn't at work or sleeping(though breif periods) he was playing his game and or talking to girls online. I saw the signs of depression coming in. Unexplained weight loss, not eating, fatigue and sleeping alot at times and not at all at others. You know what I haven't once looked back on that relationship. Just wasn't healthy.

 

That one ended and this marriage started no 7 months later and baby was on way. Things were fast and I don't think I was ever in "TRUE" love it was lust to begin with so YES I know the difference and that it can/could keep happening but I will not rush into another relationship. And will be doing some alone time for awhile. I've NEVER been alone in my life and I think it will be the perfect thing for me. Not to have a man because of fear of being alone or settling which is what I believe I did.

 

 

I know nothing I can say here will tell you the true feelings and lack of feelings I have but I really have not just thrown myself into this. I've been thinking things over for quite some time(probably a year in which I tried to work on the marriage) and REALLY hard for the last month.