Was I sexually abused or am I sick?

[Guest]

When I was about 12 years old my mother and I used to go swimming in the pool in our backyard at night. She would turn the lights off so that it was dark and then have us both take off our swimsuits so that we were naked. During this time she also made me get into the shower with her, both of us naked. She said she wanted to scrub my back because I did not wash it good enough. I was very uncomfortable at the time and did not like this.

 

During my teen years she was very physically abusive. I can remember her hitting me, she pushed me down the stairs once, dragged me across the floor by the back of my t-shirt, leaving a red ring around my neck, etc. She threw things at me, even once tried to shove me out of the front door with nothing on because she dragged me out of the bathroom and ripped the towel off of me. She would take a hammer to doors, smashing them down. Once she wrestled me on the bed so much and I was trying to get away and she thought it was funny and she ended up jabbing me in the foot with a pencil by mistake. I hated it.

 

In my late teens I still lived at home, going to college. She would always walk around the house in this see through nightgown, no underwear. It made me very uncomfortable. She was always hitting me on the rear, kind of this friendly pat. I did not like it and wondered why she was like this. Then one day it hit me, that my mother had some kind of sexual attraction to me.

 

I do not know if I was right or wrong, but from that moment on I was miserably uncomfortable around my mother. I sensed these sexual feelings from her for me, and I started to feel sexual feelings within myself. It freaked me out. I remembered the things she did when I was younger and felt repulsed. I also remembered the fact that for years I had memories of someone sticking objects inside of me. I started to think that it was very possible that it was her who did that to me as a very young child. To this day when she is walking the dog, she will mention that it is cute how she can see the dogs anus when the wind blows its fur aside! She was still walking around the house almost naked, and sometimes when I would talk to her she would stand in front of me and rub her breasts with her hands. It made me feel so sick inside. It did not go on long, but maybe like 15 seconds she would do it or 10. The door to her bedroom faced her bed, and when I would walk in her room she would be laying on the bed, her legs spread wide apart. She would take her nightgown and lift it up in the air, and for a brief moment I could see between her legs and she had no underwear on. Then she would quickly tuck the nightgown between her legs and put her legs together.

 

She would try to tell me stories also and when I would ask her to stop she would get mad at me. This only happened a few times, but she would try to tell me about a movie she saw where people went up inside some ladys vagina. I wanted her to stop telling me about it and she wouldnt. Then she got mad that I did not want to hear it. Another time she wanted to tell me about a bachelor party she went to where they were showing pictures of womens vaginal areas and I did not want to hear that either.

 

I constantly felt sick inside because I felt that my mother was doing these things and they made me feel sexual feelings inside. The sexual feelings made me feel repulsed and awful and became this misery. Sometimes I had to just yell at her and be nasty to feel better. I thought there was something wrong with me, especially because I began to have this problem around other women where I could not control my sexual feelings and they would arise out of nowhere for people I did not want to have any feelings for.

 

My mother is the type of person who is very together. She comes across as very naive of the world and always acts shocked that people can do bad things. She is a very classy person. No one would ever believe me if I was to say these things about her. I find it hard to believe them myself because she acts like people are so evil who molest children. To this day I think I am crazy and there is something wrong with me. She is such a goody two shoes that it is hard to believe. She has never been drunk, or done drugs or even wanted to rebel. She does not like bars or anything remotely indecent.

 

My mother wants me to hang out with her, etc. But when I am around her I cannot bear to even sit next to her in the car. I just feel these awful feelings and just start feeling like I hate her so much. Sometimes I want to just jump out of the car or scream or run away from her. I have to sit there and force them down. I try to hang out though but it is so miserable. My mother gets frustrated with me and says she does not like my personality. I just cannot open up around her at all. The few times I bring up the things she did to me in the past, she gets VERY upset and says that I am exaggerating and that I had a good childhood and that there is something wrong with me. She acts very shocked and upset that I would bring these things up. The first and last time I ever brought up the things she did with a sexual connotation, she threw me out of the house. I had also told her that my father touched my breasts when I was a teenager, and she called me a liar.

 

Just recently I was getting out of the shower and she started to come back to the bathroom. I had opened the door to let the steam out, so I yelled for her not to come back because I was not dressed. She said that she was going to come back and see! I got mad at her, and she acted like what she said was no big deal.

 

I do not know if I am crazy or if there is something wrong with me or not. I cannot bear being around my mother. It is a living nightmare. Everytime I look at her I see this abusive woman, so selfish and awful. I feel sick around her. I try so hard to have a normal relationship with her but it makes me so miserable and ripped up inside that I do not know what to do. She picks on me that I do not want to be close to her like other daughters and that I will not sit next to her or do anything where I have to sit next to her. Am I crazy? Were the things that she did to me growing up wrong or am I just making a big deal out of nothing? My mother says that she knows I am a sick person. Am I sick?

[Outcast]

You need help with this. Talk to the abuse helpline that covers your area.

 

Your mother is definitely abusive.

[tinktronik]

If you are sure these things did occur , you are not sick . Your mother is .Her calling you sick is simply a way to blame you for her actions . I'm so sorry for all you've been through , and it is perfectly normal to be repulsed and not want to be around your mother. My advice to you is to move out and perhaps find somewhere else to live , get some counseling and come to terms with your past.

[SoleMate]

Certainly, this is abuse and you must get away from it ASAP. Her behavior is nowhere near acceptable or normal. You likely won't feel crazy anymore if you can get away from her crazy behavior. Counselling would be extremely helpful for you so you can sort out her problems and put them in a distant, far-off perspective. You really deserve not to have her twisted thoughts and actions invading your mind. Please let us know what help or advice you need.

[crazy_grl]

Unless you've imagined all of this, then your mother is very abusive. And I'd say the chances you imagined it all are VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY small. If you had that many delusions, you probably wouldn't be capable of functioning in society, and though I'm not a therapist, I don't think they would be limited to just that one subject. So basically what I'm saying is that unless you're in an institution right now, I don't think you're sick like your mother says.

 

It's normal to think that you must somehow be wrong, but if you believe your mother did this, the chances are that she did.

 

If you're still living with her, move. Visit a counselor and read some books like The Courage to Heal to help you sort all this out. Don't hesitate to post again if you feel like you need help.

[samjam]

My mother says that she knows I am a sick person. Am I sick?

 

Sick people usually say they can tell another sick person. Trouble is they can't see their own sickness. You are not sick but you are very hurt. You have a lot to digest in the prospect of recovery. I read a book by Roy Masters called, "How to Survive Your Parents". I began to understand alot about both my parents. The auther seems a little course and un-caring at times but if you can remain objective while you read it, you will get a host of information.

 

My prayers are with you. It's a long trip and there are a lot of chuck-holes because "pain" did most of the roadwork. I wish I could send you my feeling right now of how much I want you to succeed. I stumbled and fell a lot of times but I never gave up. Information and education is your freind now. In fact it may be the thing you interpret as a freind for a while but you must master this. Then you can help others.

[RecordProducer]

I do not know if I was right or wrong, but from that moment on I was miserably uncomfortable around my mother. I sensed these sexual feelings from her for me, and I started to feel sexual feelings within myself. It freaked me out.

I was abused by my ex-step-father since age 12 to 14.5. At those times and right after that I had sexual feelings within me (not for him, of course!) and thought it was wrong, blamed it on the abuse, felt guilty about it, and was disgusted by myself. When sex is represented to you in the worst way, you feel that it's wrong and disgusting, until you grow up and naturally realize that sex per se is not wrong, but it's wrong when you experience it in a form of abuse.

 

I see a very close connection between these two statements:

I also remembered the fact that for years I had memories of someone sticking objects inside of me. I started to think that it was very possible that it was her who did that to me as a very young child.

and

I had also told her that my father touched my breasts when I was a teenager, and she called me a liar.

I suspect that it might have been your father who molested you at a very young age.

 

Your mother is over-sexual, lacks self-discipline and common sense about what is appropriate and what's not. I don't think what she did was so terrible as much as YOU feel. And you feel it because something awful has happened to you and you see everything related to sex that's coming from your parents as dirty.

 

My mom and I have always talked and joked about sex, we walk naked in front of each other, she has looked at me undressed and called me a hot, sexy girl, but it has always determined the closeness between us as she is a very normal woman. She is liberal in her talk, but not in her sexual actions. She hasn't spread her legs in front of me, but we pee in front of each other and I have seen every part of her body.

 

None of what your mother has done or said would have bothered you so deeply, had you not have been physically abused by her and very possibly sexually abused by her or your father. It could be a repressed memory that you're experiencing. But it could also be your mind responding to this whole unhealthy situation in a way that it creates feelings that something very bad had been injected inside you.

 

I wouldn't neglect the fact that your father has touched your breasts. That's not a minor thing and I find it hard to believe that this was a lonely incident. I wonder if what you call "memories" are clear memories or vague feelings that it might have happened. If they are real memories (even vague ones) - then that's what they are and it did happen to you.

 

Regarding your question whether you're sick - all these experiences have traumatized you. I always say that I am f***ed up because of my childhood (there'd been more than sexual abuse; the same step-monster beat my mother for years and made our lives miserable). I feel that I am still healthy, because I received a lot of love from my mother and father. So the good and bad created some balance, although my psyche is not perfectly healthy.

 

When I was 23, I told my mother about what happened to me and that's the time when I faced the reality of being a victim of abuse. It was very hard on me for a couple years, but eventually I found peace and learned to reconcile with it. As long as you're struggling and burying the pain, it's a never-ending nightmare. You have to cut that.

 

First you cut the branches - you confront the abusers and remove them from your life completely.

 

Then you cut the trunk - you deal with your emotions and face the truth. You look straight in the eye of your pain and fight it with all the strength you (don't) have. It's the scariest of all, but nothing is as scary as what you're going through right now. The phase when you realize what really happened and how much it hurts, but stay silent and do nothing about it is the worst hell. That's where you are at this point.

 

And finally, you cut the root. It takes time, re-gain of emotional stability, maturity, and most of all, love. When you find love, understanding, and comfort in people around you (friends, lovers, therapists, children), you feel that you've healed without even noticing it.

 

Just like I felt I was completely over my ex-husband when I met my next boyfriend, when I married my current husband and moved to the US with my children, I felt that I was cured from all my pain from the past. And just less than a year ago, I was thinking about pressing the charges against the monster who ruined my childhood and my mom's life.

 

I strongly recommend you to seek help from a therapist. You're not alone in this. You would be surprised to hear how many victims have gone through very similar cases like yours and unfortunately, so many of them are still going through abuse, alone, without anyone's help. For us, at least it's over.

 

It does go away, but you have to try and be very strong. People often tell me how strong I am and don't have the slightest idea of what I've gone through to beat the pain. I wasn't always strong. I was breaking down and falling apart, drowning in alcohol, pain, and anger toward the whole world. I was even more hurt by my ex-husband when I needed his consolation and love most. It's not easy, but it pays to fight.

 

When you fight the pain constantly, one of you has to get tired and fall down sooner or later. It better be the pain, because you shouldn't stop until you see it defeated.

[crazy_grl]

I see a very close connection between these two statements:

and

I suspect that it might have been your father who molested you at a very young age.

 

I disagree with this. If you believe it was your mother who did it, then it probably was. If you don't know for sure yet, then don't rush to any conclusions and don't let others tell you what was or wasn't real (unless they have some actual evidence to support what they say anway).

 

While I agree with a lot of what RP said, it sounds like she's projecting her own experience with her mother onto yours and therefore deciding what your mother did or didn't do, but from what you've said, your mother has done things that are a lot more inappropriate than RP's. You are the best person to judge what happened to you, not someone else.

 

Also, that reminds me... Whatever you do, be careful choosing the right therapist and books, because some will plant ideas in your head when you need to go at your own pace and figure out what happened to you on your own. If a therapist starts offering suggestions about what happened instead of letting you tell it yourself, then you should change therapists.

[RecordProducer]

You are the best person to judge what happened to you, not someone else.

I agree. I just feel that she has neglected the case that her father touched her breasts; and since fathers-molesters are way more prevalent in this world, I wonder what her memories and feelings for the father are.

 

Crazy_Girl, please read this sentence very carefully again:

 

I also remembered the fact that for years I had memories of someone sticking objects inside of me. I started to think that it was very possible that it was her who did that to me as a very young child.

 

The fact is that she dosn't know who did it and only assumes that it's the mother, because of her inappropriate behavior overall. But was the father's behavior appropriate?!

[crazy_grl]

The fact is that she dosn't know who did it and only assumes that it's the mother, because of her inappropriate behavior overall. But was the father's behavior appropriate?!

 

I realize that she doesn't know for sure, but I believe that offering a person suggestions about their abuse can lead to confusion about whether what they remember is real or just what they created based on what someone told them. It actually sets them back instead of letting them follow their own feelings and memories to come to their own conclusions.

 

She said she believes it may have been her mother even though she knows her father did something inappropriate too. She must have her reasons for thinking it was her not him. But like I said before, she shouldn't jumpt to conclusions until she remembers more and she should let the memories come naturally.

[RecordProducer]

When I told my first boyfriend about what had happened to me, I was totally confused and wasn't sure what was going on (not in terms of memories, but how I viewed the whole situation). He completely opened my eyes by saying that what I had told him was just bulls*** and I was a victim of sexual abuse. I didn't realize that at that point, because I was only 16 and felt guilty and dirty.

 

Sometimes other people have to open your eyes. Maybe she will un-repress her memories if she starts wondering about her father. If she has had a good relationship with him and loves him (which I truly doubt), she will turn down this option.

 

Do you really think that her mother has inserted objects in her and not her father who has touched her breasts? Her mother has been verbally and visually explicit about her sexuality, but has NEVER touched her daughter's private parts, right?

[Guest]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has posted words of advice and help. It is appreciated :-) Dealing with this has become so psychologically destructive because it has gone on day after day, year after year, for years and years and years so that it has become like chinese water torture to me. Having her stand in front of me and tell me I am sexually repressed while rubbing her breasts, things like that that make me feel so sick. Yet I do not know if that behavior is normal so it is hard. She has stopped a lot of the things because I gave her such a hard time about doing them that she has stopped, but the result is that I feel sick around her. Does anyone else feel sick inside when they are around someone who has abused them?

 

I also want to reply to some things that I read in the posts. First of all, I know that these things happened for a fact (except the one memory I am not certain of that I mentioned) because years ago I got into a fight with my mother and told her that she had crossed the line with me in a sexual way, and named the incidents. She got so mad at me because she said those things were harmless that she threw me out of the house. She remembered them, so I know I am not imagining it.

 

In regards to my father, I loved him very much and really admired many things about him. He was a good person because he was very patient and calm and understanding, whereas my mother was like a cyclone in the house, always worked up and yelling and making everyone miserable. There were times when I literally wished he would just punch her, she was so mean to him, and then divorce her so I could go live with him and get away from her. He was emotionally distant because he was 20 years older than my mother and had raised a family to a first wife that was now my mothers age, so he felt that he did not want to raise more children so sat back and let that up to my mom in many areas.

 

All though I loved him, what he did still hurts sometimes but I try to block it out because it was not a big deal and it was only once. He said something dirty to me when he did it, but I was so shocked that I think he was even shocked that he had done it. Sometimes I do get very upset though and feel that both my parents betrayed me and crossed the line sexually, causing me to feel like I am sexualized by people. I do not know how to feel about it. My father died when I was 14.

 

In regards to the repressed (possible) memory, I do remember as a young child that I was very sexually aware at an extrememly young age. I remember from the age of 6 or 7 that I felt sex was something you did to yourself to punish yourself, all though I have no idea why I felt that way. My mother wanted me to see a psychologist because she was worried about my early sexual awareness (this was before her behavior started that I mentioned). She talked to a shrink who felt there was reason to be concerned, but my father put his foot down and refused, saying that he felt shrinks ruined his son and did not want them to ruin me.

 

Also, my sister (who I do not know as she is 30 years older and from a first marriage) once told me when I was in contact with her that my dad did something to her that seemed like it could have been a hint he sexually abused her. I brushed over it and was afraid to ask if she was referring to sexual abuse. I just remember her saying that what he did made her feel dirty or something like that. She also said that the father I knew and the one she knew were like a different person. I guess when he was young he had a terrible temper and was very violent and a drinker, often in bars. The man I knew was older, retired, calm and patient and the closest he got to a bar was the country club.

 

Well, I am rambling. Thank you again to all for the advice and encouragement :-)

 

When I told my first boyfriend about what had happened to me, I was totally confused and wasn't sure what was going on (not in terms of memories, but how I viewed the whole situation). He completely opened my eyes by saying that what I had told him was just bulls*** and I was a victim of sexual abuse. I didn't realize that at that point, because I was only 16 and felt guilty and dirty.

 

Sometimes other people have to open your eyes. Maybe she will un-repress her memories if she starts wondering about her father. If she has had a good relationship with him and loves him (which I truly doubt), she will turn down this option.

 

Do you really think that her mother has inserted objects in her and not her father who has touched her breasts? Her mother has been verbally and visually explicit about her sexuality, but has NEVER touched her daughter's private parts, right?

[crazy_grl]

When I told my first boyfriend about what had happened to me, I was totally confused and wasn't sure what was going on (not in terms of memories, but how I viewed the whole situation). He completely opened my eyes by saying that what I had told him was just bulls*** and I was a victim of sexual abuse. I didn't realize that at that point, because I was only 16 and felt guilty and dirty.

 

RP, my point is that abused people have a tendancy to try to deny what happened to them because it's hard to accept that the person or people who were supposed to love them did this to them. If a person's memory comes from them alone then they're more likely to accept it than if someone suggests that's what happened first. There's also the possibility that a person will create a memory based on a suggestion. I've done a lot of reading about false memories and experiments with creating them and it does happen.

 

There's a difference in suggesting that a person was abused after they talk about an event and suggesting specific events happened or specific people were involved in specific events.

 

Do you really think that her mother has inserted objects in her and not her father who has touched her breasts? Her mother has been verbally and visually explicit about her sexuality, but has NEVER touched her daughter's private parts, right?

 

It's not our place to say, "Maybe this person did this and maybe your feelings or memories about the situation is wrong."

 

I know you mean well RP and I'm not trying to knock you down. I just disagree with your methods based on my reading and my own experience. I know it would have been harder for me to accept that my memories were genuine if someone had made suggestions to me before I remembered them on my own.

[crazy_grl]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has posted words of advice and help. It is appreciated :-)

 

Glad we could be of some help.

 

Does anyone else feel sick inside when they are around someone who has abused them?

 

I never really felt comfortable around my father, and I would always get really uncomfortable whenever he would pick up my little sister. I haven't seen him since I actually started to realize the extent of what he did, so I don't know how I would feel around him now. But usually the thought of him just disgusts me.

 

All though I loved him, what he did still hurts sometimes but I try to block it out because it was not a big deal and it was only once. He said something dirty to me when he did it, but I was so shocked that I think he was even shocked that he had done it. Sometimes I do get very upset though and feel that both my parents betrayed me and crossed the line sexually, causing me to feel like I am sexualized by people. I do not know how to feel about it. My father died when I was 14.

 

Even things that happened only once can have an affect on a person because of the magnitude of the betrayal. You may need to also focus on dealing with what your father did at some point. But maybe you need to deal with the stuff about your mother first. Whatever you feel like you need to do. You'll have plenty of time to deal with it all though, so no need to rush. Go at your own pace.

 

Also, my sister (who I do not know as she is 30 years older and from a first marriage) once told me when I was in contact with her that my dad did something to her that seemed like it could have been a hint he sexually abused her.

 

One of the things that cemented it for me was remembering something my sister had said to me when we were little. It finally occurred to me that if there hadn't been any abuse, a kid her age never would have said something like that.

 

Anyway, "Guest" I hope you're doing well. Have you looked into any counseling, groups, or books yet?

[Buttaflyy]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has posted words of advice and help. It is appreciated :-) Dealing with this has become so psychologically destructive because it has gone on day after day, year after year, for years and years and years so that it has become like chinese water torture to me. Having her stand in front of me and tell me I am sexually repressed while rubbing her breasts, things like that that make me feel so sick. Yet I do not know if that behavior is normal so it is hard. She has stopped a lot of the things because I gave her such a hard time about doing them that she has stopped, but the result is that I feel sick around her. Does anyone else feel sick inside when they are around someone who has abused them?

 

I also want to reply to some things that I read in the posts. First of all, I know that these things happened for a fact (except the one memory I am not certain of that I mentioned) because years ago I got into a fight with my mother and told her that she had crossed the line with me in a sexual way, and named the incidents. She got so mad at me because she said those things were harmless that she threw me out of the house. She remembered them, so I know I am not imagining it.

 

In regards to my father, I loved him very much and really admired many things about him. He was a good person because he was very patient and calm and understanding, whereas my mother was like a cyclone in the house, always worked up and yelling and making everyone miserable. There were times when I literally wished he would just punch her, she was so mean to him, and then divorce her so I could go live with him and get away from her. He was emotionally distant because he was 20 years older than my mother and had raised a family to a first wife that was now my mothers age, so he felt that he did not want to raise more children so sat back and let that up to my mom in many areas.

 

All though I loved him, what he did still hurts sometimes but I try to block it out because it was not a big deal and it was only once. He said something dirty to me when he did it, but I was so shocked that I think he was even shocked that he had done it. Sometimes I do get very upset though and feel that both my parents betrayed me and crossed the line sexually, causing me to feel like I am sexualized by people. I do not know how to feel about it. My father died when I was 14.

 

In regards to the repressed (possible) memory, I do remember as a young child that I was very sexually aware at an extrememly young age. I remember from the age of 6 or 7 that I felt sex was something you did to yourself to punish yourself, all though I have no idea why I felt that way. My mother wanted me to see a psychologist because she was worried about my early sexual awareness (this was before her behavior started that I mentioned). She talked to a shrink who felt there was reason to be concerned, but my father put his foot down and refused, saying that he felt shrinks ruined his son and did not want them to ruin me.

 

Also, my sister (who I do not know as she is 30 years older and from a first marriage) once told me when I was in contact with her that my dad did something to her that seemed like it could have been a hint he sexually abused her. I brushed over it and was afraid to ask if she was referring to sexual abuse. I just remember her saying that what he did made her feel dirty or something like that. She also said that the father I knew and the one she knew were like a different person. I guess when he was young he had a terrible temper and was very violent and a drinker, often in bars. The man I knew was older, retired, calm and patient and the closest he got to a bar was the country club.

 

Well, I am rambling. Thank you again to all for the advice and encouragement :-)

 

Please stop doubting yourself! Your mother is the one with the problem. She is a very sick lady. This is not your fault in any way. Please seek help and get away from this situation. You can not be responsible for your parent's actions, but you are responsible for taking care of yourself now. You were a child then, and you should have been protected from this. It doesn't matter right now what part your dad played in this exactly, his responsibility to you was to protect you as your parent. He's failed miserably even if he hadn't actually been the one who'd done the actual touching or not. He has grabbed your breast and fathers should never violate you this way. Please seek counseling for yourself, call the hotline that was suggested. It is natural for you to be confused sexually when you've been abused like you have. Please take care of yourself.

 

Much love, hugs and support go out to you!

[blind_otter]

I had isolated incidents of sexual abuse, although I am pretty sure the molestation when I was 5 went on until I was taken out of swimming class. There was a period of my life where I was upset and confused and I thought that my Dad had touched me inappropriately. It was right after the second time I was raped when a lot of memories were coming back.

 

But I worked through it and realized in therapy and through self reflection that my feelings towards my Dad were really suppressed anger because I felt like he had failed me, that he hadn't protected me from being used like that by someone else. So in my mind I made him complicit with the abuser. I also had some issues because as an adult I as I realize that he knew my mother had serious issues and wasn't necessarily capable of raising children in a healthy way, but he did nothing to stop it. He stood by and looked away. So I had and still have some anger towards him on a very subtle level.

 

But ultimately I talked about things with him, and worked it out in my head.

 

I think it is possible to be confused about who did what when, especially when it was a long time ago and you were very young.

 

But I really think, considering your spectrum of issues, that if you aren't currently in therapy it may be harmful to continue discussing this without guidance with a bunch of random people on the internet. Sometimes exploration without trained guidance can cause more damage than you think.

[burning 4 revenge]

do women ever molest children? iv'e never heard of it

[sugarplum]

do women ever molest children? iv'e never heard of it

 

YES! They do! There's the story, Sybil - but I also know of it happening first hand. Its hard to believe, and not as common, but they really do.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Blind_Otter: " I think it is possible to be confused about who did what when, especially when it was a long time ago and you were very young.

 

But I really think, considering your spectrum of issues, that if you aren't currently in therapy it may be harmful to continue discussing this without guidance with a bunch of random people on the internet. Sometimes exploration without trained guidance can cause more damage than you think."

 

 

Guest, take the advice of Blind_Ottter.

 

Because there is some remaining self-doubt about exactly who did exactly what, concerning some very crucial issues (as well as some self-doubt about whether or not they did, in fact, even occur), I feel strongly, that your problem is best handled by the appropriate mental health professional.

 

Until the details are clarified and dealt with, you will continue to confront these same emotions and confusing questions which have haunted you, obviously, for the greatest part of your life, thus far.

 

Guest, perhaps, it is good that you are soliciting information from others having had similar experiences, if only for the possible outcome that you are encouraged to seek further help.

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[Mary3]

It is entirely possible that your mom herself was victim of sexual abuse and that carried over to you as a young child.

 

Your dad grabbing your breasts is just as strange.

 

Its also entirely possible that both of them were molesting you . Each knowing the other was doing this and neither cared because it might have been learned behavior.

 

Your sexual precociousness at a very young age is a red warning flag because most of us did not even know what sex was until we hit 11 or 12 years old . Most of us did not see our moms spreading her legs or taking showers with us. It does seem rare if she were an abuser but I guess only a counselor could give you the statistics.

 

To be sickened and ashamed to be around your mom who stirred sexual feelings ( back when all of us as teens started thinking sexual things and watching our bodies grow and develop ) is another warning flag.

 

I would leave the home ASAP

I would get some therapy ASAP

I would get a background check on your parents to find out if they were ( and still are ) molesting young kids.

We cannot possibly know what you have been through but all of us would agree that our moms did not do the things your mom did to you.

 

Sticking objects up inside you when you were young is deplorable actions by one or both your parents.

 

I would say " Mom, I do not feel comfortable around you. I am getting some help and need some time away from you. Do not try to convince me this did not happen because I am going to find out if it DID. "

[sylviaguardian]

I wouldn't like to get into the realms of guessing what did and didn't happen to you, because I believe that is very dangerous grounds to get into.

 

From the things that you say definitely did happen, your mother is definitely abusive in the sense that she made you part of things that you did not want to be part of and steam rollered your rights basically. You ask if you are sick. I think it is very common to feel that way i.e. sick, worthless, crazy etc when you have consistently had your rights denied. Don't buy any of it. You know what your mother did is, at the very least, highly inappropriate. At a guess, I would say that your mother almost definitely has a personality disorder. She basically objectified you i.e. instead of acting appropriately towards you (i.e. A child) she ignored your feelings and rights. This kind of upbringing is very damaging because people who are consistently denied their rights end up believing that they don't have rights.

 

I can't say whether you should maintain a relationship with your mother or not, but in its current state, it is very damaging to you. Remember that she is the one who is ill, not you. You must state your boundaries very clearly to your mother and not get emotional but stand up for your adult self. For example, if she starts off on a yucky conversation just say " That's not appropriate, I don't wish to hear anymore of that". If she persists don't back down or get upset, just repeat the message. If she persists explain once more then state if she continues that you will have have to leave. Then just do it.

 

Just remember that people with personality disorders often come across as charming, together and all the rest of it. That does not mean that she doesn't have serious issues because she clearly does. What you have to try to do is to take some of the power back that you own. You are an adult now. What would you feel if you saw someone else treat a child this way? Wouldn't you want to protect them? Well, now it's time for the adult you to protect the child inside you.

 

I guess ultimately the best thing would be to stop contact with your mother but I know that is not always possible so you have to find ways to lessen her hold on you. I would strongly recommend therapy. Also, google stuff on co-dependency or look at the SEA programme at coping.org

 

Good luck! I am a mother and my heart just goes out to you. I just want to give you a virtual hug ((( ))) and tell you that it doesn't always have to be like this. It's a long hard road, but many people have managed to turn their lives around after a childhood like yours. You will need support though.

 

Sylvia

[sylviaguardian]

P.S. I just re-read what I wrote and I think I should clarify something I said in the first paragraph. Please don't think that I don't believe your mother did the things you said. I do believe you. I just didn't want to get into speculating about who did what or what else they might have done. This is purely because I think that when people are feeling emotionally fragile, speculation about possibilities can be very damaging.

 

I think a counsellor would help unravel and validate some of the things that you have been worrying about.

[Becoming]

Dear Guest--

 

You're getting some good responses here from people who know some of what you're going through. Whether this behavior of your mother's qualifies as sexual abuse or not is kinda moot to me. Your mother has abused you physically in heinous ways and emotionally by telling you that you are the one who's warped, when, clearly, she is. Physical and emotional abuse deserve to be taken as seriously as sexual abuse.

 

Her behavior is not normal, though. Parents respect, protect, and love their children. They mess up from time to time, like all human beings, but what you're describing here is horrific abuse that in order to survive as a dependent child you've had to tell yourself wasn't really that bad. A part of you knows, though, that it really was that bad.

 

It's hard to know what's normal when you grow up in a home like yours. I know because my parents were pillars of the community. No one would have believed me either. So I know some of what you're talking about. Your mother is sick, and your father's behavior toward you (talking dirty, touching breasts--ick!) as well as allowing her to continue her behavior and not protecting you was also abusive and neglectful.

 

You deserved better, and I'm sorry this has happened to you.

 

The sick feelings you have regarding your mother's behavior can be trusted. Your deep intuition/feelings can be trusted. I doubt you know this because it's so hard to know what is and isn't true when you grow up in a twisted environment that looks normal on the outside to everyone else and when you were told by the people who supposedly love you that your perception is wrong.

 

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's time to come out of the hell you've been living in, which is going to involve standing on your own two feet without financial assistance from her. This is hard because you've been taught that you can't trust your own judgment. But you can. You really can. And you can learn to trust others who will respect and protect and love you and reject the ones who don't.

 

You need serious therapy, as we've all been saying. Find someone who specializes in child abuse recovery, someone you can trust and connect with who'll take what you say seriously because you'll probably need to be working with this person for a long time. Getting help now before you go further in your life and let this pain subconsciously make your decisions will save you so much pain in the long run, though. Trust our collective experience on that one!

 

You don't have to cut all ties with your mother, but you also don't have to be around her if you don't want to either. But that means you've got to get more independence than you have with her right now.

 

All the best. Please keep in touch so we know how things are going for you. We can encourage, but only you can do the work. And it's real work to go through the emotional work you have ahead of you--work you may not feel you have the energy to do at this time. But once you begin the process, you get more and more energy because there's a part of you that's trying to get you to slow down so that you deal with all this. Life won't be good until you do. And when you start dealing with it, the fear/pain will stop having power over you; you will have power over it and your life.

 

And you deserve good.

[Mary3]

Dear Guest--

 

You're getting some good responses here from people who know some of what you're going through. Whether this behavior of your mother's qualifies as sexual abuse or not is kinda moot to me. Your mother has abused you physically in heinous ways and emotionally by telling you that you are the one who's warped, when, clearly, she is. Physical and emotional abuse deserve to be taken as seriously as sexual abuse.

 

Her behavior is not normal, though. Parents respect, protect, and love their children. They mess up from time to time, like all human beings, but what you're describing here is horrific abuse that in order to survive as a dependent child you've had to tell yourself wasn't really that bad. A part of you knows, though, that it really was that bad.

 

It's hard to know what's normal when you grow up in a home like yours. I know because my parents were pillars of the community. No one would have believed me either. So I know some of what you're talking about. Your mother is sick, and your father's behavior toward you (talking dirty, touching breasts--ick!) as well as allowing her to continue her behavior and not protecting you was also abusive and neglectful.

 

You deserved better, and I'm sorry this has happened to you.

 

The sick feelings you have regarding your mother's behavior can be trusted. Your deep intuition/feelings can be trusted. I doubt you know this because it's so hard to know what is and isn't true when you grow up in a twisted environment that looks normal on the outside to everyone else and when you were told by the people who supposedly love you that your perception is wrong.

 

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's time to come out of the hell you've been living in, which is going to involve standing on your own two feet without financial assistance from her. This is hard because you've been taught that you can't trust your own judgment. But you can. You really can. And you can learn to trust others who will respect and protect and love you and reject the ones who don't.

 

You need serious therapy, as we've all been saying. Find someone who specializes in child abuse recovery, someone you can trust and connect with who'll take what you say seriously because you'll probably need to be working with this person for a long time. Getting help now before you go further in your life and let this pain subconsciously make your decisions will save you so much pain in the long run, though. Trust our collective experience on that one!

 

You don't have to cut all ties with your mother, but you also don't have to be around her if you don't want to either. But that means you've got to get more independence than you have with her right now.

 

All the best. Please keep in touch so we know how things are going for you. We can encourage, but only you can do the work. And it's real work to go through the emotional work you have ahead of you--work you may not feel you have the energy to do at this time. But once you begin the process, you get more and more energy because there's a part of you that's trying to get you to slow down so that you deal with all this. Life won't be good until you do. And when you start dealing with it, the fear/pain will stop having power over you; you will have power over it and your life.

 

And you deserve good.

 

 

Beautifully well spoken