looking like reconciliation, questions for all

[mlchris2]

Alright, I'm back once again. My wife has sat me down and said that she really wants our marriage to work, but she wants things at her pace. Basically, I'm to sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. She's in charge and calling the shots.

 

For me this is tough. For the past nine months, I've really come to know just how much my wife did for me and the kids, how much I really truly love her and just how bad I've hurt her in the past.

 

I dont have anyone to talk to about this, so I wanted to get your advice and recomendations...

 

How do I control my feelings and give my wife the space she needs? If I even mention anything about the two of us or make a recomendation about MC, then its like I awakened a sleeping monster. I've slipped at times since we've had our talk and she keeps saying, to just give her time...

 

How do I control the sexual feelings for my wife? I thought about asking her about this, but not sure it would be a good idea.

 

Is there anything I can do that will help show her I mean business? I am helping with the kids and the house, where I can.

 

Your help would be greatly appriciated.

 

thanks

 

Mark

 

I really want my marriage to work, but

[Tony T]

The reconciliation arrangement your wife has proposed is one-sided and unreasonable. However, if you make a counter proposal, she may go ballistic. Either you really screwed over her mind in the past or she has always been very controlling.

 

I don't see the present strategy working for the two of you because you will not be happy with it. I don't see it as a healthy situation or the basis for the development of a sound marriage.

 

In these situations, it's best to agree on a neutral party to be referee and help the two of you work out a marital situation that will be successful over the long haul. That would be done by mutually selecting a marriage counsellor, therapist, etc. who could hear the dynamics of your relationship and propose a blueprint for recovery. All of the issues you have inquired about in your post above can be addressed by a counsellor and dealt with in a manner acceptable to both of you.

 

This is your only hope, in my opinion.

[Gunny376]

Over the long haul this arrangement is going to be about as usefull as Martha Stewert starring iin a porn movie!

 

I want add too much, Tony T said just about covered all of it.

[Trimmer]

Mark:

 

Here's the short, sanitized version of my response:

 

I think this is a very unbalanced dynamic in which to rebuild a healthy marriage. I would consider your vision for your marriage, and if you are still seeing a counselor individually, I would discuss this with him/her to see what you might do to shift the dynamic to make you more equal partners in the reconciliation.

 

So much for the short version. If you aren't ready for a rant, stop reading here... The rest of this was my first take on your post:

 

Mark:

 

It seems to me like this whole process for you has been completely unbalanced, ever since this all started. Your wife has always insisted that you back off, has refused to contribute anything or meet you even 10% of the way, even as she was having sleepovers with other men with your child in the house, and text messaging calling men "babe" and so on...

 

I cringe to turn your own words back at you but here's something you said back in October:

 

I did try to give her what she wanted, got sick of it and end-ed up not playing this game. I then gave in, like mr. nice guy and back in the same boat. I'm doing whatever it takes to see if she will come around.

 

Isn't that still exactly what you are doing now?

 

Damn, I don't want to dump on your parade, especially when you think you see hope, but it just seems like this is more of the same... She controls the pace, the timing, the rules, calls the shots, and you are just supposed to be the quiet little mouse, hoping to get the few seeds that maybe she will toss out?

 

I think you have to ask yourself, what kind of marriage do you want, or at least, what kind of marriage can you live with? If you can live with one that basically follows the dynamic that she has laid out here (I'm in control, you sit back and shut up), then continuing to appease her might eventually get her back, but won't it set the stage for a long-term marriage that just continues to follow that same dynamic? Are you OK with that?

 

With you having shown her that she can paralyze you with fear, and seeing her demonstrate that she is quite capable and willing to do so, what would ever induce her to give up that dynamic - that power - to share any true emotional intimacy, to work within your marriage as an equal, instead of as your master?

 

For the past nine months, I've really come to know just how much my wife did for me and the kids, how much I really truly love her and just how bad I've hurt her in the past.

Tell me what kinds of things you did to hurt her - I don't remember seeing you comment about those in your past posts... Tell me truly, do you really, objectively, think that you've hurt her badly in the past, or have you just convinced yourself that you must have done so, somehow, to deserve such treatment from her now?

 

If you continue to let her walk all over you, her behavior in doing so will just continue to get reinforced. Unfortunately, the only way I can think of to change this dynamic, is for you to take a stand, and the only way I can see that happening is if you lose, or at least overcome, your fear of losing her.

 

Tell me, you say you "really truly love her ", but with the way she's treated you over the past year - for example, flat out saying she was doing things that she knew hurt you because she hated you - do you really feel love for the person she is now, or are you feeling the fear of losing the woman you imagined her to be?

 

I'll tell you, I'm feeling like an a**h*** for being so brutal here, and I know you feel like you're on a tightrope with her already and that it seems like a volatile situation. But I wish for you that you had the confidence and strength to stand up and say "I will listen to what you need, but in addition, this is what I need from this marriage, and we need to meet halfway to help each other find out how to get there." And frankly, if her commitment to the process is so weak that she would bolt when presented with that, then what are you really working with anyway? If you really have to be so careful not to make the tiniest mis-step and scare her off, then what kind of a foundation would your continuing marriage be built upon?

 

You seem like you'd do anything to "get her back" - believe me, I know the feeling, as I felt the same way exactly one year ago - but are you sure you'd really want what you would get under these conditions?

[Spurned]

Trimmer, wow, what a post!!!

 

Mark, read Trimmer's post over and over until you understand every point he is making, because he is right on.

 

Don't let her do this to you. You are poisoning your self-esteem, confidence, and STILL letting her know that she can do whatever she wants to you.

 

Put yourself in her shoes for a moment: She is not sure if she is doing the right thing; she is enjoying the company of other men; she knows you desperately want things to work; she won't tell you she wants a divorce because SHE WANTS TO KNOW YOU ARE STILL THERE IF AND WHEN SHE DECIDES TO WORK IT OUT.

 

The ONLY way for you to get out of this nightmare is to make the decision within yourself to tell her to F*CK off. You really need to read "Love Must Be Tough" and stick to that plan. And you need to be firm with this 180 degree turnaround--don't revert to the weak, willing participant in her crazy scheming as soon as you note some progress. Please let her know that you're not a doormat any more, and in the end, with her or without her, you'll be a MAN again.

[Mz. Pixie]

Mark:

 

It seems to me like this whole process for you has been completely unbalanced, ever since this all started. Your wife has always insisted that you back off, has refused to contribute anything or meet you even 10% of the way, even as she was having sleepovers with other men with your child in the house, and text messaging calling men "babe" and so on...

 

 

Damn, I don't want to dump on your parade, especially when you think you see hope, but it just seems like this is more of the same... She controls the pace, the timing, the rules, calls the shots, and you are just supposed to be the quiet little mouse, hoping to get the few seeds that maybe she will toss out?

 

 

Tell me what kinds of things you did to hurt her - I don't remember seeing you comment about those in your past posts... Tell me truly, do you really, objectively, think that you've hurt her badly in the past, or have you just convinced yourself that you must have done so, somehow, to deserve such treatment from her now?

 

 

 

I'll tell you, I'm feeling like an a**h*** for being so brutal here, and I know you feel like you're on a tightrope with her already and that it seems like a volatile situation. But I wish for you that you had the confidence and strength to stand up and say "I will listen to what you need, but in addition, this is what I need from this marriage, and we need to meet halfway to help each other find out how to get there." And frankly, if her commitment to the process is so weak that she would bolt when presented with that, then what are you really working with anyway? If you really have to be so careful not to make the tiniest mis-step and scare her off, then what kind of a foundation would your continuing marriage be built upon?

 

 

WOW Trimmer! You've done well grasshopper!

 

I've actually posed the same questions to Mark. I believe that there was a situation where he looked at porn or something. Damn, in perspective most men look at porn and unless it was hurting their sex life or distrupting his ability to hold down a job, I fail to see how she could be so hurt by this that she would think it would be okay to move out, screw around with their kids in the house, and blame everything on him??

 

I'm going to go even further than you did with my comments- but I don't think it's going to do any good, because I think he's so blinded by hope that he won't get it.

 

Mark- Your wife is blowing smoke up your ass. She is doing this because she's getting some type of payoff from it. Either financial, keeping you around to meet some EN's, having you around to talk to and bail her out of situations, whatever it is. Because if she weren't getting something out of it, I assure you she wouldn't have felt it necessary to have the conversation to start with. It's not because she's all happy go lucky and wants to still be with you. Because if it were- SHE WOULD BE. There would be no need for her to stay moved out- tell you she didn't want to talk about it- have no sexual contact or affection from or to you. If she really wanted to stay married to you she'd go about doing something to make that happen. She'd go to counseling- she'd be making amends for her screwing around on you and messing with your kids heads. As it stands, she wants you to stick around and let her still eat cake. She's keeping you hanging on a string and desperate for a chance with her- just like someone who would dangle a treat in front of a puppy to see them jump.

 

All cheaters have the same MO. It's always about "space" and "what you've done to them to hurt them" I know because I have BEEN YOUR WIFE.

 

Trimmer had a great suggestion in what you should say to her about what you need in this marriage. She needs to be making some concessions here as well. This is NOT just all about you and what YOU have done- it's also about her. She hasn't even began to be honest about her actions either!!!

 

I'm sorry if you think I'm being rough. This just pisses me off. You know why?? Because I had the guts to tell my exhusband when I left him that there was no chance for us getting back together. I knew it would hurt him but it would have hurt him much worse for me to try and string him along into infinity. I also had too much pride to try and USE him for what he could do for me- and your wife obviously does not. I may have made mistakes and cheated on him previously, but the marriage was done and it was time for me to let him go.

 

Either she needs to work on the marriage or she needs to stand on her own two feet. This hanging in limbo s*** until she decides to take you to the cleaners or find someone else to get stuff from is for the birds.