Guest Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 Here is a little back ground info first. We have been married for almost 10 years with a 7 year old son. He is a good father and provider, however there is the occassional name calling on his part. He has never said or done anything out of the way to our son, just seems more directed at me. He has been like this before where he will be really snappy, moody and ill and takes things out on me. I noticed this change a few years ago and later on found out he had cheated and thats why he was acting the way he was towards me. Blaming me for things, calling me names etc. It was out of guilt he was acting this way. We decided to work things out and went to marraige counseling and stayed together. Things have seemd pretty good over the past 3 years since he cheated. However, the other day he came home and acted really strange. I couldn't ask him nothing, even how his day was without him being defensive. Our son was spending the night with his grandparents and its a good thing becasue things got ugly later on in the evening. I asked him why he was acting like this, he went off on me saying, he was tired of me doing nothing, I didn't do nothing to contribute to the family, I thought more of others than him. I have no clue what this man is talking about. No I don't work so I don't contribute money wise, but I do cook, clean and take care of our son. I don't think of others before him, I think of him and our son first, so not sure where that came from. I told him he didn't know what he was talking about, and that I was tried of him yelling at me like I was a child. He then pushes me to the couch, and takes off his wedding ring, throws it at me, kicks the living room table, pushes over a chair, and then slaps me on the arm. He starts yelling at me saying I just don't know how good I have it. I'm lost, I don't get where he is coming from. I was talking with a friend of mine about it and she said she was going to be blunt. She gave me a list of things for why he might be acting the way he is. She feels either he is depressed, on drugs, has serious anger issues, or is doing something he knows he chouldn't, feels guilty and is taking it out on me. Maybe even al of those things rolled up in one. I do think those are possibilties he did get like before when I found out he had cheated, I do hope this not the case. I just don't know what to do. He has become violent lately in his words and actions. Should I come right out and ask him if he is cheating again? I'm afriad that will really set him off though. I never saw signs before back when he was cheating and you would think I would be more aware if he is this time, but I haven't seen anything unsual other than his behavior change. Maybe he just doesn't want to be married anymore and doesn't know how to come out and tell me so this is his way? What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 He then pushes me to the couch, and takes off his wedding ring, throws it at me, kicks the living room table, pushes over a chair, and then slaps me on the arm. He starts yelling at me saying I just don't know how good I have it. I'm lost, I don't get where he is coming from...... He has become violent lately in his words and actions. Should I come right out and ask him if he is cheating again? I'm afriad that will really set him off though..... Violence is never okay. Being afraid of your partner's propensity for violence isn't okay either. Everybody deserves better than to walk around on eggshells. You might give your local domestic violence hotline a call. Or check out some on-line information. Here's the link for the National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.ndvh.org/ The possibility that your husband is cheating again is a secondary concern in comparison to you and your son's physical safety. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 I would be concerned about his health. Will he see a doctor if you ask? Personality changes can be due to all the things your friend mentioned but they can also be due to serious health issues. Tell him you're concerned about his health (maybe don't mention the temper if he's still grumpy) and if you can talk to the doctor before he goes, alert the doctor to the anger issues so that the doctor can ask questions that hopefully will get him to admit to the anger. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 Sounds like he is cheating and repeating another woman's words. If you're afraid of him, then he is not your friend and, in my opinion, youshouldn't continue living like that. Link to post Share on other sites
larryblenn Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 Often times people get into relationships and lose sight years later as to why they got married in the first place. This happened to me once and it was devistating. There is certainly a reason for his stress and his actions make me think he has a lot of inner conflict that is manifesting towards you. This is not a healthy situation for either of you. These things only tend to get worse if untreated. Unfortunately he has probably already made the decision in his mind that he wants out of the relationship so he's pushing you in ways that will cause you to want out as well. Him tossing his ring at you is a perfect example of where he is coming from. As soon as I read that I knew he was wanting out. I know this is difficult to hear and understand but maybe you should take the advice of Ladyjane and call the hotline. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 Your husband is being abusive to you and that is NOT OK. One question, you never bought this up. How's your sex life? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 Your husband is being abusive to you and that is NOT OK. One question, you never bought this up. How's your sex life? Our sex life is not good. Its because he is so mean and hurtful to me. I don't care a thing about having sex with him. I could take it or leave it. Some might say thats the problem, but its not. The problem didn't start out with lack of sex, it got that way when he began to be mean and saying mean things to me. I don't really care to lay down with a man who is saying ugly things to me and hitting on me etc. And then he wonders why I wont, its not rocket science for him I wouldn't think. I wont out but then again I don't. I actaully had a friend tell me to think of my child and that she said if I continued to stay and put my child in danger then wasn't much of a mother. And that if I stayed with the child in the situation that I was really no better than him. Do others think this to be true? I don't need sugar coating either, I think I need to hear the cold hard facts. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 Our sex life is not good. Its because he is so mean and hurtful to me. I don't care a thing about having sex with him. I could take it or leave it. Some might say thats the problem, but its not. The problem didn't start out with lack of sex, it got that way when he began to be mean and saying mean things to me. I don't really care to lay down with a man who is saying ugly things to me and hitting on me etc. And then he wonders why I wont, its not rocket science for him I wouldn't think. I wont out but then again I don't. I actaully had a friend tell me to think of my child and that she said if I continued to stay and put my child in danger then wasn't much of a mother. And that if I stayed with the child in the situation that I was really no better than him. Do others think this to be true? I don't need sugar coating either, I think I need to hear the cold hard facts. I don't think it makes you a bad mother or not much of a mother really, but personally I have never understood why someone who knows they are in a bad or even dangerous situation would keep staying. I'm sure theres lots of reasons or excuses, but I do think if there is abuse be it physical or verbal then yes theres potential there for you child to be in danger, plus not to mention the impact you staying will have on them once they are older. It is something to consider, if you don't want to leave for youself do it for your child. Link to post Share on other sites
LightningRod Posted June 28, 2006 Share Posted June 28, 2006 Our sex life is not good. Its because he is so mean and hurtful to me. I don't care a thing about having sex with him. I could take it or leave it. Some might say thats the problem, but its not. The problem didn't start out with lack of sex, it got that way when he began to be mean and saying mean things to me. I don't really care to lay down with a man who is saying ugly things to me and hitting on me etc. And then he wonders why I wont, its not rocket science for him I wouldn't think. I wont out but then again I don't. I actaully had a friend tell me to think of my child and that she said if I continued to stay and put my child in danger then wasn't much of a mother. And that if I stayed with the child in the situation that I was really no better than him. Do others think this to be true? I don't need sugar coating either, I think I need to hear the cold hard facts. I have an uncle who is verbally abusive only. My aunt stayed with him and all the kids are damaged with no confidence in themselves. Some were suicidal. Dump the bastard and dump him fast. Link to post Share on other sites
Luvmykids Posted June 28, 2006 Share Posted June 28, 2006 I was married to man like that for about 6 years. He was not like that when we dated. But after my second child was born, he changed. He began yelling at me nose to nose. Punching holes in walls telling me how lucky I was that it was not me. Everything was my fault, if he acted badly it was becuase of me. I walked on eggshells everyday. Every moment was different. He would be so nice and we would get along and then for no reason, or if he didnt like something he would just snap. To make a really long story short, he choked my son one day. My son (who was 3 at the time) came out of the bathroom crying and his neck was all red and said daddy put his hands here. That was it. It was no longer directed at me....but my kids too. I told him I will kill him in his sleep if he ever touched my kids again. I stayed about 2 more years after that. I just wasnt ready to leave. I had no family for help, no where to go and I believed all the crap he told me about how worthless I was and so on. My fear is it starts on the wife and then sometimes it trickles down to the kids. Or the kids see this behavior....which is not good either. Think about the environment for the kids. You deserve so much more. It isn't normal behavior. I had to learn that one. Link to post Share on other sites
Xed Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 I actaully had a friend tell me to think of my child and that she said if I continued to stay and put my child in danger then wasn't much of a mother. And that if I stayed with the child in the situation that I was really no better than him. Do others think this to be true? I don't need sugar coating either, I think I need to hear the cold hard facts. I think your friend was being a little too harsh. As a mother, you have to be concerned about where you and your child will get food and shelter -- right now, you depend on your husband for those things. For many women in your situation, it's not that easy or practical to just walk right out the door. The "cold hard fact" is that your husband is becoming abusive and violent, and you need to find a way to protect you and your son from that. And it's hard to do that alone. Please, find a local hotline and reach out to them. There's help out there, waiting for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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