ash8752 Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 So, we all have concluded that to become not jealous one must realize that your feelings are not rational and realize why you're insecure. Now my question is, how do you actually do that? I can sit here and say to myself "These feelings arent rational, he loves me, wont cheat on me" but when a situation arrises how do i make it so i stay in that state of mind. Like i said in previos threads and posts, i dont want to push my bf away, i love him too much! Any help? Link to post Share on other sites
rkman Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 So, we all have concluded that to become not jealous one must realize that your feelings are not rational and realize why you're insecure. Now my question is, how do you actually do that? I can sit here and say to myself "These feelings arent rational, he loves me, wont cheat on me" but when a situation arrises how do i make it so i stay in that state of mind. Like i said in previos threads and posts, i dont want to push my bf away, i love him too much! Any help? It all depends on which actions make you jealous. Examples would help to dismantle your feelings. Some actions are justifiable, while others require comprimise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ash8752 Posted June 26, 2006 Author Share Posted June 26, 2006 well, the stuff that usually makes me jealous: him going to parties late, noticing him look at other girls. He's not the type to sit there and check out girls with me but every so often i catch the double glance or something. I know he wouldnt do anything wrong, at parties i mean, but i get so insecure about them. Link to post Share on other sites
rkman Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 well, the stuff that usually makes me jealous: him going to parties late, noticing him look at other girls. He's not the type to sit there and check out girls with me but every so often i catch the double glance or something. I know he wouldnt do anything wrong, at parties i mean, but i get so insecure about them. I'll be honest, I won't defend anyone who decides its ok to check out other girls. If you tell him that you feel he is direspecting you, which he is, by doing so, and he fails to see your side, then he is most likely more concerned about himself than you. From there you have to decide. It's the little tells that paint the bigger picture. Just remember, there is no compromise for feeling respected. As for the parties. Depending how committed you've made yourselves to each other, it can be good or bad. My personal feelings are that its ok once in a while. Remember though, this is where you have to give in as well and say, maybe I'll join you this time. Maybe the next weekend he can decide he doesn't have to go out this time. I've been with the girl who wants to go out and party with her friends every weekend, I won't walk down that path again. Some will though, I've just come to grips to accepting that personality isn't for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Computer Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 Hi, Let me put it to you this way. If he's checking out other women in your presence, he's probably talking to them when you take a trip to the restroom. If he's talking to them while you're in the restroom making sure you're looking nice for him, he's probably trying to hook up with them when you're gone. Now I'm not saying this to make you MORE suspicious than you already are, but I have to be honest and YOU have to look at reality. And I'm NOT saying that this is true... it's a possibility. You can sit at home and think of 100 good possible reasons as to why he double-glance at these girls and party late, but reason number 101 would NEVER cross the human brain - which is that he's probably interested in the girls... or maybe just an easy lay? But then again, I don't know him or his intensions so I could be completely wrong. Now as a guy, I'm going to give you a list of possible reasons as to why I'm checking out yet another female in front of my GF: 1: I'm doing it on purpose and want my GF to notice - making her jelous on purpose. 2: Not content with what I have and looking for the next best thing. 3: The girl is drawing much attention due to the fact that she's wearing shorts that nearly shows her a$$. (this doesn't mean I'm interested though) 4: Hey, she's just simply attractive but could NEVER replace my girl . 5: [type YOUR text here, guys] Now I'm sorry to force you to see reality and real world possibilities because it only hurts and make you worry more. But you should only look at the fact that he's with you - not them. That's the most important thing to consider. And I'm sure he's considered to be an attractive male who could probably have one of them but after all this time he doesn't. What more can I say? ________________ There are 3 types of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't. --Anonymous [email protected] Link to post Share on other sites
preferwhispers Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 I frankly can't believe the replies to this post so far. The OP has noticed that her b/f will sometimes "look" at other girls. This means absolutely nothing, but has been inflated in 2 posts to "checking girls out," "talking to them," and "probably trying to hook up with them." The OP is looking for ways to overcome baseless jealousy, not increase it. From what we know about her b/f, we have absolutely no reason to believe that he is not trustworthy. I wouldn't mind the demonization if she said he was ogling them, looking them up and down, and cat-calling or something, but this is insane. People sometimes look at one another. The OP understands this and just wants to react more rationally to it (and feel more rational about it). How to start doing that is a good question that remains unanswered on this post. Link to post Share on other sites
Computer Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 I frankly can't believe the replies to this post so far. The OP has noticed that her b/f will sometimes "look" at other girls. This means absolutely nothing, but has been inflated in 2 posts to "checking girls out," "talking to them," and "probably trying to hook up with them." The OP is looking for ways to overcome baseless jealousy, not increase it. From what we know about her b/f, we have absolutely no reason to believe that he is not trustworthy. I wouldn't mind the demonization if she said he was ogling them, looking them up and down, and cat-calling or something, but this is insane. People sometimes look at one another. The OP understands this and just wants to react more rationally to it (and feel more rational about it). How to start doing that is a good question that remains unanswered on this post. Looking is one thing. Taking "multiple" peaks within a moments time is yet another. Apparently YOU didn't read the post correctly. Obviously this isn't completely based on insecurity. And I never said that he wanted the other girls - it's just a posibility. You don't take these thing so lightly in a serious relationship. And I surely wouldn't accept my mate taking multiple peaks at different men who probably look quite attractive. Checking out another person doesn't require looking them up and down at all. To be quite honest, I don't think there's a NORMAL male who is in his right mind that would take it to such an extreme level. I don't care if he hated her guts... it's just not natural and is not something people would just do. I try and give real world advice to people. It's not just about comforting them and forcing them to stay in a relationship that's just never going to work. I've helped tons of people in such situations and the vast majority of the issues people had started with something just as small. Obviously YOU need to come up with something new... whoever you are... [email protected] Link to post Share on other sites
preferwhispers Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 Obviously YOU need to come up with something new... whoever you are... [email protected] ...but maybe there's another reason that the "issues people [you helped] had started with something just as small" before balooning into larger ones... I just don't think it's a good idea to "force [the OP] to see reality" when that so-called reality is that an occassional double-take is indicative of some major problem. You yourself identified several non-threatening alternative explanations for this type of behavior. Read the original post. You are not helping this situation. Ash, if you are still reading this thread, which I hope you are not, it's important to remember that, with some infrequent exceptions, when you feel like you are behaving irrationally it's because you are. There's no easy way to change a personal pattern of thought and behavior, but if you really think it's irrational, try to think about the fact that it is irrational *while* it is happening, and not just after. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ash8752 Posted June 27, 2006 Author Share Posted June 27, 2006 Well, I can see where some of you got the idea that this is a constant situation and for that i am sorry. Preferwhisper, you are more on the right track and thank you. While i was reading the other posts i wasnt thinking "oh no, that is what he is doing" i was thinking "thats not him at all". I am not one to make excuses for my SO, and I am not one to be nieve either. I do have irrational thoughts. My bf does nothing but show me love every day. Once in a while i will notice a glance in a girls direction and maybe just maybe he'll catch me take a glance elsewhere and i can sit here and tell myself it al means nothing. I mean, why else do guys go to strip clubs etc, but i am trying to figure out how to see it as irrational jealousy when it actually arises. As for parties, i definately make more of an effort to go now, and there is usually one a month or so, but sometimes i just dont want to go. I know he can be there and be innocent, i trust him, but when the situation comes up i get jealous and insecure and i think it is more the fear of losing him. Which i can say i dont think i will. I have a great guy, a guy that wanted to be with me longer than i wanted him and a guy who always dropped anything for me. But now we have been together over a year and live together (which i have never done) and i dont want to hold him back from anything he wants to do. I just want to figure out how to believe my thoughts to be irrational when they actually occur, not while i am sitting here writing a post, does that make sense. Thanks prefer, you are on the right track and thanks to everyone else. I know there are a lot of jerks out there and thank goodness mine isnt one of them...but i still feel jealous and insecure. Man it sucks to be a girl!!! ANy more advise would still be appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
Luvmykids Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 My husband and I have had lots of talks about our relationship. I am sort of an insecure person. I posted that I thought my husband is having an emotional affair. But after some serious, serious, LONG talks I think I am starting to see that I think there is always something suspicious to his actions. I think the same things you do sometimes. I have snooped, and feel horrible now for doing so. I know that my husband (my second) is such a great guy. He is a great father and great husband. No ones perfect, he has moods, and a stressful job and when I dont get attention I think the worst. I think sometimes, why would he be with me? Am I always going to be enough to make him stay? What does he see in me? Well I finally asked. I told him I was having these thoughts. And as I said, we had long talks. My husband told me that men are very visual. If he glances at another woman it doesn't mean they want to be with that person. Or that they are comparing you to them in any way. My husband does not stare, talk to, whistle at or anything like that. I mean if he did those things then I would worry. My husband does not watch porn or go to strip clubs. I guess I would feel differently if he did those things. I have also learned that my husband does not like negativity. He can not understand why I would I put myself down, or think I am not good enough. He said he never thinks that way of me, why would I? And I am searching for that answer. My first husband cheated on my badly. I felt so betrayed. So I guess I am scared. Scared that if a scum like him would leave me and cheat on me....then why wouldn't this fantasic guy? I am trying to get over my insecurities. It is a very hard thing to do. But you are a great person, and you are worth having a good relationship and worth someone treating you well. Everyone is worth that! Being so insecure is exhausting. And I think that has actually hurt my relationship to a degree. (that is what my husband admitted) But talking about it helped me realize that. I don't know the magic answer to not being so insecure, but I do know that it hurts me more than helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ash8752 Posted June 27, 2006 Author Share Posted June 27, 2006 I totally agree, being insecure is exhausting. I think we feel the same way on some level. I have been with a few really bad guys. Cheaters etc, and my father left my mother for the next door neighbor and her relationship years later she was betrayed again. I have been with people who let me know i am not enough and it all sticks with you. Now i am with someone great. he doesnt go to strip clubs either or anything like that but it's funny because although i know how great he is i seem to think "what if he finds someone else better for him." He's a catch!!! I am thinking about seeing a therapist or psychologist or whatever because my feelings on this stuff just might ruin our relationship. I dont want him to get fed up, i dont want him to feel as though i dont trust him. He shows nothing but trust in me. Bad relationships are hard, and it seems like great relationships can be hard as well. I am working on it all though!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
ronnieromance Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 So, we all have concluded that to become not jealous one must realize that your feelings are not rational and realize why you're insecure. Now my question is, how do you actually do that? I can sit here and say to myself "These feelings arent rational, he loves me, wont cheat on me" but when a situation arrises how do i make it so i stay in that state of mind. Like i said in previos threads and posts, i dont want to push my bf away, i love him too much! Any help? Well, I think it's related to really feeling confident in your abilities and yourself. it is a bout recognizing them as irrational, but you need to seperater the irrational feelings that often occur when we try to compare ourselves to others, and the irrational feelings that crop up in relation to things we can't control. If he looks he looks. f*** it. If he cheats on you, drop him like a hot rock in lava. But be happy that you see him for what he is and don't let it ruin your world. You're on the right track. I don'tthink anyone can give you a placebo to it. You have to find the way on your own. But you are starting to understand what it takes. -R- Link to post Share on other sites
Author ash8752 Posted June 27, 2006 Author Share Posted June 27, 2006 Thanks Ronnie! I do feel as though i am getting on the right track and you know what, i do compare myself to others all the time. Looks wise, personality wise etc. I see girls that have more of my bf's interests and i worry! But he tells me all the time that they are not me and never will be and there is no more room in his heart for anyone but me. Corny, but sweet. Thanks for the support. It is really a tough thing to learn and get through. So far my bf has been pretty understanding and patient. Link to post Share on other sites
Luvmykids Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 I think the same thing! About my husband finding someone with his interests too! But he tells me that if liked someone who was like him what fun would that be. I even went so far to ask him why he married me. It made me feel much better about myself to hear the answer. I came from a prior relationship of verbal abuse as well. Its funny but after awhile you start believing what they tell you. I did at least. I was in a marriage that way for years. I finally snapped and got angry enough. But when my husband tells me I'm beautiful or how sexy I am (whatever) I hear him...but sometimes its hard to believe in my head. He is amazed that I have been with him so long and still think this way. But I have to say that hearing it...and when my husband makes me feel sexy it does work. I still have thoughts...I try not to act upon them. Your bf sounds like he really loves you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ash8752 Posted June 28, 2006 Author Share Posted June 28, 2006 It is really nice to hear reassurance! And thank you, he does love me, i know he does. It's a great feeling and i know that although there were a few tiny things in the past that he may have done to make me upset, the real issue lies within myself. I actually decided to go ahead and make an appointment with a therapist to really talk about everything. Maybe it will help me. Maybe not. Good luck with your husband luv, it sounds like he really loves you too! Why are we our own worst enemies??!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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