He says he NEVER wants to get married

[tdotrhom]

I have been dating a great guy for about a year and a half, things are great but....a little background. We are both divorced, me for 2 years, him for 7 years. I have custody of my 5 year old son and he has full custody of his 9 year old daughter (her mother lives out of state so it really is FULL time). Our relationship progressed rather quickly, we have lived together for about a year, share household expenses, raise our children together. I feel as though we function as a family I am paranoid and insecure about us. He says he never wants to get married again and as much as I think I am ok with it, it bothers me. Am I not good enough? Is he waiting for something better to come along? He is very trusting, he has never lied to me, he says he loves me. How do I deal with this? I truly love him, I love his daughter, I feel like she is my own child, I love the way he loves my son. I just feel like this is a huge hurdle in our relationship. Any advice?

[stacym75]

I think maybe he is just saying that for now.He must have had a bad divorce (i know what divorce isn't bad)but i mean he just doesn't want to ever go through that again.That could be what he really means.

[SoleMate]

My perspective has changed so much on this since I got divorced myself.

 

Back in the old days I would have called him selfish and advised that he was not committed and posssibly planning to leave you.

 

Now that I understand what it's like to be post-divorce, I'm very sympathetic with those who recoil from a second marriage. It's so easy to imagine history repeating itself. It's also possible to have a good, lifetime relationship without marriage. I find that not being married to my bf keeps me on my toes. It keeps him more of a bf/lover. I am not tempted to slack off in taking care of him.

 

Am I not good enough? Is he waiting for something better to come along?

This certainly COULD be the case. However, there are many other possibilities equally or more likely. You're borrowing a lot of grief for yourself if you slap that interpretation on his words and actions without considering that he may have very good reasons that are protective of your ongoing r/s, rather than the reverse. It's impossible to say what exactly is in your fellow's mind unless you talk to him. Does he foresee a lifetime relationship with you? On a scale of 1 to 10, what is his level of satisfaction with your r/s? On a scale of 1 to 10, how satisfied are YOU? Does he treat you the way you want your partner to treat you?

[tdotrhom]

We have talked about, he did have a bad divorce. We have talked about it, I do understand but on the same hand it hurts my feelings that to his daughter I am nothing more than her Dad's girlfriend. It is really hard, I had her birthday a couple of weeks ago and it is awkward to introduce myself to the other parents, I feel like I have less of a role. And I do everything for her, I am the one that gets takes her to and from school, buys all of her clothes, takes her to the doctor. I am also concerned about the future...I feel like everything is his or mine, nothing is ours. We have both contributed to things, we have purchased a $5000 TV together, a motorhome and those are just the large things. We both owe houses, we rent mine and live in his. And not to sound morbid but what happens in the event of death? We are 30 and should have wills but we do not. What if I die - is he going to liquidate everything and give it to my son. I know it sounds kind of crazy but it is real life. I truly believe he forsees a lifetime relationship with me, he wants to sell his house next year and buy a bigger one. He is very guarded with his feelings but his grandpa (who wants us to get married) tells me he knows that my bf loves me, he has told his grandpa that I treat him like a king. (I lay out his clothes for him, pack his lunch for work, clean the house, take care of te kids, he eats breakfast in bed EVERY weekend). I am extremely satisfied as well, I am very affectionate. I am always doing things to show him I love him, thoughtful gifts, taking care of him. (I get out of bed to get him a glass of water, little things like that. Also, I am going to take him to Hawaii for his 30th birthday - it's a surprise). He is not as expressive with his feelings as I am. I say 'I love you' alot, he says it sometimes. But that is definetly our different personalities. I am so in love with him and it kills me to think that he might not want a future with me. I know I am being paranoid and I know it is not like being married is even a guarantee of forever but for some reason I think it would make me feel 'more loved'. Again I know it is strange.

[Jersey Shortie]

From what I know, when a guy says he doesn't want to get married right now but wants to proceed with a relationship with you, he really means that he just doesn't really want to get married to *you* specfically but is having a good time with you. I am not saying this is the case with your relationship though. I don't know what it is like to be divorced or how deep the hurt runs. It is has just been my experience that guys committ for the right girl, and don't mind staying in relationships if they are fun even if they don't have the intention to committ completely.

 

My only piece of advice is don't make things too easy for him. It sounds like you do alot of wonderful things for him and that is great. But if you are doing all these things now, what reason does he have to marry you anyway? You are already giving him everything.

[lostinyouth]

I am going through a divorce so I'm not sure what affect it will have on my future relationships. I imagine a couple of things about your situation. His fear of commitment may be that he thinks marriage changes a woman... Would you still treat him like a 'king' if he proposed? Another thing that I imagine, only because I think about it myself, there is a chance he could be with his previous wife. I have told my father that I would love my wife until I die, and that 100 years from now if she wanted me back she could have me. Give it time though, people have been known to change their minds... Heck you might even change your's. The only thing that I would stress is don't pressure him to marry you. It could put serious strain on the potential of your fruitfull relationship with him.

[Outcast]

and I know it is not like being married is even a guarantee of forever but for some reason I think it would make me feel 'more loved'.

 

Your problem is how you interpret his unwillingness to marry. Despite him saying that he loves you and is in for the duration, you believe that he doesn't love you because he doesn't want to marry. You need to believe what is true - that he does love you. You have created a symbol - marriage - that you have decided is a definitive proof of love. It isn't and you are causing your own self grief by clinging to this belief.

 

Somewhere deep down you've always believed that people who live together but don't marry do so because they really don't love each other. It's not the case. I know a couple who lived together for 20 years before they married. They both had bad experiences with marriage but that didn't stop them from being committed to each other. They stayed together until death - another ten years.

 

You have to fight your belief that he doesn't love you 'enough' to marry you. If you were in his shoes, you'd be saying 'she doesn't love me enough to live with me without being tied by law'! See how things can look from another point of view?

[Jersey Shortie]

But if he was honestly there for the duration, why won't he make the legal commitment if it is something that is important to her?