I failed my wife

[lostinyouth]

I am 21 years young. Met my wife in a tattoo parlor. Been married for almost 2 years. The first year was bliss in a handbasket. Carried with me every where I went. I was proud and confident, but I was also carrying decet in my heart and mind. Little things that I wasn't proud of I either kept hidden all together or fudged the truth. Our occupations constantly brought us to be separated from each other. As the lies grew in number and the separations grew longer, I became paranoid and mistrusting of my wonderfull wife. I felt so many doubts that I couldn't believe she was so close to perfect as any woman I have ever met. I had not established a healthy routine of communication with Her. Mostly emails, short and boring, or quick phone calls. After a phone call the weekend after the 4th of July, I felt miserably lonely and went to a party with my friends. You think you know what I'm about to say next, and you probably have a good idea but let me say it anyway. I got drunk and smoked something I shouldn't have. As the party drew to a close I went home. Picked up the phone book and called an escort. When she arrived I didn't know what to expect, but what did happen is something I did not expect. I slept with her in my bed. The experiance left me feeling more alone and miserable then when I had gotten off the phone with my love. She left and about a week later my wife returned home. I could not tell her over an email or the phone, and when I saw her I was overjoyed by her presence. I really wanted to tell her but I was afraid. A couple of days after she had returned home she started asking me what was wrong, the guilt of what I had done apparent to her. She asked and I told her the truth. You would think I wouldn't have a problem to just keep lying to her, but I did. Her first reaction was to yell and throw things, after that she left. We tried to talk on the phone a couple of time and I finally convinced her to come home. This was almost a year ago, and our relationship has been 'on the rocks'. For a while it seemed to be the road to recovery and things were starting to look up. I told her everything. The lies that had been haunting me were no longer my burden to bear alone. Then I left for a month, just a couple of months ago... When I came back she told me that it was the end for our relationship. She thought she could forgive and forget but apparently the best way she can do that now is to 'forgive me enough to move on'. We are still married today and live under the same roof. I have changed so much but I'm still confused. I love her more then ever. She left again today, this time for a week... I still wear my wedding ring and she does not. I don't want to let her go but I want her to be happy. Even if the cost of her happiness is my misery. The funny thing about living with her still is that we do everything that we did when we were married except kiss and make love. She goes out alot, without me and that is different. I also promised her that for as long as we are still married that I would not be with another woman. My obligation to my job will end in October and I imagine that by then I will be divorced, if a miricle doesn't happen. My plan is to go to the place where I have a daughter, by another woman, get out of debt and go back to college. The silver lining in my situation is my daughter. I have only known her for three years, that's how old she is, and I have only seen her a couple of days out of that. Her mother tells me that she is curious to know who her dad is and I can't wait to tell her myself. Oh, and there is no way I think I will ever love her mom that way again, ever. That is my story and I probably left out alot. It is still hard for me to tell other people of my failure. Thank you for reading and I can only hope that you have some 'pearls of wisdom' to bestow upon me.

[Becoming]

Whew! You've got a lot of stuff going on to be 21. Twenty-one is a rotten age in many ways. Society tells us we're supposed to have it all together because we're adults, right? But we're not. Our brains don't actually develop all our their higher thinking until we're 24 or so. And here you are with all this mess you got yourself in because you decided to act irresponsibly.

 

But now I do see you acting responsibly. You're owning up to what you've done. Ya know ya done wrong, brother. So we won't go there. I assume you've asked for forgiveness, not just said you're sorry but actually asked for forgiveness -- of her, of God, and of yourself. Forgiveness takes time.

 

Now, why in the world are you living with this person as a faithful H when your W has decided she's just going to be your roommate? If you're going to be married, then commit to one another and be married, for better for worse; that's what you signed up for. If you're both not willing to commit to the marriage, then you need to clear out to keep from hurting each other anymore.

 

Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com and ask your W to work through the stuff on that site with you. Ask her to see the pastor who married you together, and if the pastor's no good for you, then find another who is. Don't worry about embarrassment before a man/woman of the cloth. They've already heard it all. Marriage counseling is another option.

 

You've learned a great, tough lesson about integrity to yourself and others--that's your pearl. I see a wise person emerging into adulthood, asking for some help. You'll get a lot of advice. But at the end of the day, it's all about integrity and being true to your true self. Your true self is a man of honor and love and self-control. Seek and ye shall find.

 

Vaya con Dios!