Trust, or the lack there of

[GodsGrievance]

I happened to stumble across this forum today looking for advise. I have read through several previous posts to try and save time, but thought it best to just ask. First, I'll give a little background.

 

I have been married for 2 years, 2 months, 15 days and a couple hours. After being with my wife for 4 months I cheated on her. I lived in NC and she lived in OH (I was in the military), but we saw each other every weekend. My friends hated her because I spent my weekends with her instead of getting trashed with them. So one weekend she couldn't come down, so my friends took me out. My fault, and I would never blame anyone. I was a horny jack ass, and I regret every second of what I've done. I did not lie, I did not hesitate, I did nothing to talk around it or make excuses. I told her the following weekend, for fear of what would happen if I told her over the phone. I wish I hadn't, but she had a right to know.

 

My wife, to my knowledge, has never cheated on me. She enjoys the effects of pot and frequents that. Not so much now, but did. I had a problem with this and several times would ask that she not smoke. So the end result was lies. Piles and piles of lies formed from a simple, yet unobtainable request. To make this novel a little shorter, she told me to my face "I will never tell you anything I think will upset you, or make you mad." So, I don't trust her at all because she has lied to me about the simplest things, so whats stopping her from lying about the big things?

 

She gets mad at me for anything I do. For example, if I do the laundry, she gets mad that I likely didn't do it properly. She wont let me touch her (ie we DON'T have sex) and if I ever get mad about anything (like catching her lying to me) she says "Well at least I didn't f*** around on you!".

 

Our relationship was so great before I cheated. Always happy, great sex, smiles, laughter, good communication, and we actually ate dinner at the table together. Now I feel like I've ruined everything and cant seem to make things better no matter what I do. We cant go to a counselor because we cant afford it. Oh yeah, I got fired from IMO a pretty good job. Funny how everyone says money is not important, until you give it to them and then it gets taken away.

 

I want this to work, so does anyone have any advice that I can get to make her happier? All I want is to make her smile again...sorry this is so long.

[JadeStar]

Have you suggested marriage counseling for you both? Maybe a third party will help you all sort this out. Did she smoke pot before you cheated? Or was something she took up doing after you cheated? Maybe its her way of coping? Marraige is about being honest and having open lines of communication.

 

 

 

Jade

[GodsGrievance]

I have suggested it before when we could afford it, but thats as far as it went. She has smoked pot since she was 13 thanks to her father.

 

"Marriage is about being honest and having open lines of communication"

 

That is simply not an option for us, we have far exceeded the ability to trust each other a long time ago.

 

I just want to know if their is any 'secret' female button you can push to make everything better. Their has to be something out there I can say or do to make her happy. I cant talk to females period, or else I'd ask someone in real life.

[GodsGrievance]

Oh, I don't mean to make her look like the devil, it's all my fault she is like she is now. I was such an ass, always jealous about all the guys she slept with before me. I didn't trust her going out by herself (w/o me) to bars and clubs. I had a short temper, and I wasn't the nicest guy around company either - I actually called her a whore in front of my friends once b/c she took her shirt off to get in the hot tub.

 

The thing is, is I've changed the way I look at things now. I'm not an ass anymore, I respect her alone or with people around, and I don't question her about anything anymore. But I changed her from the bubbly happy person she was to the person she is today. How do I put things like they were before I f***ed them up?

[JadeStar]

I have suggested it before when we could afford it, but thats as far as it went. She has smoked pot since she was 13 thanks to her father.

 

"Marriage is about being honest and having open lines of communication"

 

That is simply not an option for us, we have far exceeded the ability to trust each other a long time ago.

 

I just want to know if their is any 'secret' female button you can push to make everything better. Their has to be something out there I can say or do to make her happy. I cant talk to females period, or else I'd ask someone in real life.

 

 

 

Trust can be rebuilt but it has to be something that both parties truly want and it will take time. If you want it to work but she doesn't, theres not much you can do. It can't be one sided. She already knows how you feel on the matter with her smoking the pot, but she continues to disrespect you on the matter, then again its like an addiction which is hard to break. She would need help doing so, but she has to first want to truly stop, and until she does, chances are she wont.

 

You could go the ultimatium route, I'm not fond of them simply becasue alot of time people who throw out ultimatiums rarely follow through with what they are gonna do. However if you chose to do this, and tell her if she doesn't stop or least attempt to get some help for her own self plus the sake of the marraige then you are gone. If you do this you will need to follow through with what you say you are gonna do or she will never take you seriously. So you have some choices, either continue to stay in the situation in hopes she will change, give her the ultimaium, or maybe seek counseling for yourself, if she wont go. Someone that can better advise you on how to handle it.

 

 

Jade

[PandorasBox]

Have you asked her if she wants the marriage to work out? Have you asked her what it is you can do to help her? If so what has she said? I agree that trust can be rebuilt but its something you both have to want to work on. Sounds like you have done your part as far as at least trying to change some things within yourself, now its her turn. You might could do a search on tips on how to rebuild trust or check out the marriagebuilders site as well.

[Guest]

I have tried the "I'll leave if you dont stop smoking." thing, and her response was "Well then go." But thats not a huge deal anymore, its the lies that are killing me. Why cant she be honest with me? She lies over the dumbest of things. Then when I confront her of it (usually I find out the truth) she calls me pathetic and its none of my business anyway. Always turning things around, so I can never be upset about anything she does for fear she'll get mad at me for something.

 

I've searched the internet for rebuilding trust, and it usually involves talking to each other about it. I simply cannot do that, she just gets angry with me and says everything is my fault. The only reason she's still with me is because she doesnt want to have to go through all the crap we've been through again is what she tells me. I dont want to leave her because I owe her a life of happiness exactly like I said I would give her.

 

I am truly sorry for wasting everyone's time that read all this. But I think i'll just continue with what I was doing and just dealing with it. It's all my fault anyway. Thank you all for your time and effort, but I dont even know what i'm asking anymore so I dont think I can get any help. Maybe someday...these things take time i've heard, and time is something I have to give.

[JadeStar]

I have tried the "I'll leave if you dont stop smoking." thing, and her response was "Well then go." But thats not a huge deal anymore, its the lies that are killing me. Why cant she be honest with me? She lies over the dumbest of things. Then when I confront her of it (usually I find out the truth) she calls me pathetic and its none of my business anyway. Always turning things around, so I can never be upset about anything she does for fear she'll get mad at me for something.

 

I've searched the internet for rebuilding trust, and it usually involves talking to each other about it. I simply cannot do that, she just gets angry with me and says everything is my fault. The only reason she's still with me is because she doesnt want to have to go through all the crap we've been through again is what she tells me. I dont want to leave her because I owe her a life of happiness exactly like I said I would give her.

 

I am truly sorry for wasting everyone's time that read all this. But I think i'll just continue with what I was doing and just dealing with it. It's all my fault anyway. Thank you all for your time and effort, but I dont even know what i'm asking anymore so I dont think I can get any help. Maybe someday...these things take time i've heard, and time is something I have to give.

 

 

"She calls me pathetic and its none of my business anyway." This is a form of verbal abuse.

 

"I have searched the internet on rebuilding trust, and it usually involves talking to each other about it. I simply can not do that." You both need to if you really want to try and work on things.

 

"She gets angry with me and tells me everything is my fault." This is typical behavior of someone who doesn't want to share the blame or take on any responsiblity for anything thats ever happened. Its easier for them to blame others, that way they feel they are guilt free. Until she learns to except some blame/responsiblity for some things, its not gonna work anyway.

 

"I don't want to leave her because I feel I owe her a life of happiness like I said I would give her." Right now you're not happy though and neither is she. You also don't "OWE" her anything at this point. She has to be the one to make a change and want things to work out.

 

"Its all my fault anyway." No its not, and you need to remember that. I think she has you where she wants you. She has made you feel things are your fault, she tells you that you're pathetic etc, she is bascially helped you to lose some of your self esteem and you preobably feel you with stick with her becasue you deserve this kind of treatment and theres no one else out there for you? Thats not true. Also please seek some individual counseling for yourself, to help you. If money is an issue there are free services, just look in your local phone book or search the interent in your area. Good luck to you.

 

 

Jade

[slnice]

GodsGrievence,

 

I'd like to help out. I'm working for a psychiatrist with a new television show. Call me toll free 1-888-2569 ext 4347 or email me at [email protected]

[GodsGrievance]

I do appreciate all the advice. Our relationship seems to be going a little better, we had a pretty good talk last night over dinner. Things went well, nothing changed really, but a conversation that I didn't get yelled at is a success and a step in the right direction as far as I'm concerned.

[Milf629]

find a way for counseling. i dont have any money either. but its my marriage so I have to do what I have to do.

[GodsGrievance]

Everyone here sure does bank on counseling an awful lot. Even if I could go to a counselor I wouldnt. The last two I went to did not end well, not even close. Just so you know, i've only been to two. So I dont believe in them, nor do I trust them in the least bit.

 

I said nothing changed previously, but that's not what I meant to say. As long as its getting better and not worse that's good enough for me.

[JadeStar]

Everyone here sure does bank on counseling an awful lot. Even if I could go to a counselor I wouldnt. The last two I went to did not end well, not even close. Just so you know, i've only been to two. So I dont believe in them, nor do I trust them in the least bit.

 

I said nothing changed previously, but that's not what I meant to say. As long as its getting better and not worse that's good enough for me.

 

 

Seems you had bad experiences with the 2 counselors you had seen before. If they are not your cup of tea thats, fine, and sometimes people can work things out without a third party such as a counselor. However, most of the time(And yes there are quack counselors out there) but most of the time a counselor can not do but so much. They are there to listen, offer advice and suggestions on things, the real work has to come from the 2 people involved. A cousnelor is not a fix all. They are more or less like a guide. I hope all gets better for you.

 

 

 

Jade

[SueBee3490]

After being with my wife for 4 months I cheated on her.

 

This is not a good way to start your life together but at least you did "fess up" and didn't try to lie or hide it from her - I do give you alot of credit for coming clean with her - alot of people wouldn't. My H didn't, I had to find out about his cheating.

 

She gets mad at me for anything I do. For example, if I do the laundry, she gets mad that I likely didn't do it properly. She wont let me touch her (ie we DON'T have sex) and if I ever get mad about anything (like catching her lying to me) she says "Well at least I didn't f*** around on you!".

 

This is probably just her hurt and pain coming through. I often remind my H that he was the one that cheated - not me. I know it's just because the hurt was so bad, I lashed out at him.

 

I don't think her smoking pot is harmful in the same way infidelity is. My H smokes cigs - I don't and never have. I've told him he needs to quit simply because I despise it. My parents both died of cancer, it's a horrible disease. He will say "I know I need to" but then doesn't do anything about it. It upsets me - to a point because I know it's an addiction and he doesn't seem willing to stop at this point in time. But his smoking is not the same as his cheating on me. I think that when someone cheats, you know that this action will hurt your SO. I don't like his smoking but he is not doing it to hurt me.

 

Our relationship was so great before I cheated. Always happy, great sex, smiles, laughter, good communication, and we actually ate dinner at the table together.

 

This sounds like us in our early days. You also mention your wife was bubbly and happy before the cheating. I was the same way, always happy and smiling, then the cheating sucked the life out of me. I cried constantly and became depressed. I was on medication for a while but am not now.

 

I know others here say she must do something now to save your marriage - that you have really shown her that you are sorry and want this marriage to work. She may not be ready yet to decide what she wants to do. I found out in Jan. '03 about my H cheating on me while we dated and after much pain and crying, I have only recently decided I just can't stay with him and make it work - it's too much for me. He cheated too much for me to get over and try to work things out with him. I have been to 4 different counselors and it's taken me this long (3 1/2 yrs) to come to this conclusion. It's not an easy one but if you really want it to work make sure you let her know you'll do whatever.

 

I think if I were in your wife's shoes, I could try to hold my marriage together if my H only cheated once and then admitted it and was sorry. I hope it works for you.