Should I still hate my mother after so many years?

[Guest]

I cannot completely forgive my mother for the things she did to me. I have not lived at home for a few years and all the anger I have is fading, but I wonder if the anger I have for the things she did will ever go away. We have a decent relationship now, but only because I talk to her only by phone.

 

She left me on the side of a major highway because I wouldn't stop crying when I was in the first grade. Kicked me and bruised me once when she made me kneel on the floor for some trivial things. Had major alcohol and anger management issues with depression.

 

Called a prostitute by her several times. Threw out my hundred dollar gift for her birthday in the trash when she was pissed. I later found it in the trash and it hurt me because I was also saving money for college.

 

Tried to kick and lock me out of the too many times to count. Dramatizes, cries, practices giving me guilt trips to get whatever she wants out of me.

 

And the list goes on.

[Outcast]

If your issues still impact your life, go see a good therapist (one skilled in counselling people who have been abused as children) who can help you recover. It's bad enough she hurt you when you were younger; time to get help so she doesn't continue hurting you in memory.

[Curmudgeon]

I don't think so. I think what you should do is forgive her because she obviously has a disorder. You don't have to tell her she's forgiven. Just do it for you because it's like getting rid of a huge weight. Then continue to have limited contact because she's obviously still toxic.

 

Until you've forgiven someone who's harmed you, you're forever tied to them.

[Woggle]

Don't her and if she refuse to change just wash your hands of her. I had a an abusive mother and that is what I had to do. I pity her because one big ball of misery and hate.

[Becoming]

You've been emotionally hurt by this woman so much that the way you view the world has no doubt been skewed. I grew up in a similar environment with a similar relationship after I left home. I'm now 46 and can honestly say I wish to God I had dealt with all the drama trauma after I'd left home so that I wouldn't have unknowingly internalized all the things she taught me. See a good counselor who specializes in childhood abuse, go to Al-Anon, or both. But please deal with it now.

 

Just forgiving and going on is what you do have to do but you may not be there yet. Forgiveness takes a long time and often comes as a gift from beyond us because it's really hard to forgive on our own. And just because you forgive doesn't mean you put yourself in the position to be taken advantage of again.

 

Best wishes.