Question for Al-Anon/Adult Children of Alcs

[Guestagain]

My boyfriend is an adult child of an alcoholic and his brother is an alcoholic and perpetually relapsing Heroin Addict. My bf has never gone to al anon meetings. He did drugs and drank extremely when he was younger and in about his mid-20s (14 years ago or so) he cold turkied everything, including any sips of booze at all. I love and respect him for succeeding in this more than words can say.

 

I myself am a social drinker. As I age I cannot stomach more than a max of 3 glasses of wine if I do drink, but I did have my share of party days that I now chalk up to sowing the wild oats. I can go weeks without booze and when I do drink after that I don't have a need to get annhilated just to get the buzz. I do like to catch a buzz once in a while, but I am by no means a problem drinker. I think there was a point in my life where I was and was afraid of this but I made a concious effort to not go there and not let anything of that nature control me. I'm not saying it can't sneak up and get me or that I'm inconquerable to it, but I'm not deserving of the verbal lashings I get from him.

 

Note, I do drink sometimes though, and bf does not at all. To him that seems to give him free reign to accuse me of all kinds of chaos.

 

 

I think he has some over the top mental issues about drinkers.

 

 

We live somewhere where most of the tenants/neighbors are young partyer types. This does not influence our behaviour and actually annoys the hell out of both of us. Somehow though, my bf has become strange and paranoid and says everyone hates him because he isn't upstairs drinking with them and they are jealous he's not ruining his life. He freaked out on me tonight for no reason essentially over the neighbors drinking habits. Just yesterday we had had a really positive conversation about drinkers and non drinkers and while he did indicate at one point for the first time ever that he wished I did not drink at all, there was no tension in the conversation.

 

Then I went to work this morning, and when i got home he was full of coldness and spite and made absolutely ludicrous comments about me being an alcoholic too and I should just go up to the patio with the rest of them.

 

His lack of reason about the situation is extreme. So while he isn't a drinker, his behaviour has become a huge handful and on a bad moment he will justfiy anything he does and blame the evil drinkers for hating him. Tonight he even went as far as to call me an alcholic that would "ditch him in a second to run off with a booze hound"

 

The reason I am writing here is I just don't understand. I love him dearly. I am tired of this roller coaster behaviour. I did nothing to warrant this outlash tonight. I am worried and I think he has real mental issues. Or that his resentment for his father's drinking goes much further down than he will probably ever admit.

 

So my main question for the al anon/adult children of alc folks:

From someone who has been to Adult Children of Alc Meetings/Al Anon is this a common occurence? Is his behaviour somewhere you've been yourself?

 

I don't know how to handle it and I don't want to be verbally abused and accused of being an over the top alcoholic when the last bottle of wine I opened took me 2 weeks to drink. I want to find some healthy answers. I'm really bummed and don't know what to make of this.

 

Thanks in advance to those that reply.

[wizedup]

My father was an alcoholic (he died of cirrohsis of the liver), my brother is a recovering crack addict and my husband, to whom I'm separated from, is a daily pot smoker and has been for 28 years. I've had my share of being involved in addictive relationships.

Al-Anon has helped me tremendously. It has opened my eyes to the fact that #1 - it wasn't my fault, nothing I did, didn't do, said or didn't say caused the person to drink or abuse drugs, #2 - I can't control other people's behaviors, and #3 - to forgive the addict (love the sinner, hate the sin).

I believe your husband would greatly benefit from Al-Anon...and you too.

It sounds from your post that he has a lot of resentment that has built up over the years and learning to let go is a very important step to healing. Al-Anon is a wonderful starting place.

[Guestagain]

My father was an alcoholic (he died of cirrohsis of the liver), my brother is a recovering crack addict and my husband, to whom I'm separated from, is a daily pot smoker and has been for 28 years. I've had my share of being involved in addictive relationships.

Al-Anon has helped me tremendously. It has opened my eyes to the fact that #1 - it wasn't my fault, nothing I did, didn't do, said or didn't say caused the person to drink or abuse drugs, #2 - I can't control other people's behaviors, and #3 - to forgive the addict (love the sinner, hate the sin).

I believe your husband would greatly benefit from Al-Anon...and you too.

It sounds from your post that he has a lot of resentment that has built up over the years and learning to let go is a very important step to healing. Al-Anon is a wonderful starting place.

 

I figured as much. Unfortunately, he is not the type that would even set foot in that direction. that's part of my dilemma. I would love to go, however he is the one that has addiction in his family and is so damn angry about it. I am being abused for his resentments. as I type this (while at work) he is email bombing me. this is his last 2 emails:

 

NOTHING CAN INTERFERE WITH YOUR DRINKING OR YOUR DRINKING FRIEND GOOD LUCK WITH THOM AND ALL YOUR KIND NOTHING CAN INTERFERE WITH YOUR DRINKING OR YOUR DRINKING FRIEND GOOD LUCK WITH THOM AND ALL YOUR KIND etc...

 

 

then here is this:

 

YOU NEED TO FACE YOUR ACHOLISM AND CLINGING TO YOUR PAST LIKE ITS THE FUTURE YOU NEED TO FACE YOUR ACHOLISM AND CLINGING TO YOUR PAST LIKE ITS THE FUTURE etc....

 

I am even afraid to post this stuff because I feel like I am going to look like I am in denial or something.

 

Please someone help me figure out how to deal with his behaviour. I don't know what to do.

[Fun2BMe]

I am even afraid to post this stuff because I feel like I am going to look like I am in denial or something.

Denial about what? It doesn't sound to me at all that you are an alcoholic or have a problem. I think your boyfriend is suffering from possibly schizophrenia or another type of mental disorder. Please have him see a psychiatrist or other doctor. He is extremely paranoid and not making sense.

[wizedup]

Sometimes people who (unfairly) accuse others of doing something (lying, cheating, drugs, drinking, etc.) are the ones committing the action themselves. Or he's mentally ill as Fun2beme suggests.

Good luck.

[littlekitty]

Denial about what? It doesn't sound to me at all that you are an alcoholic or have a problem. I think your boyfriend is suffering from possibly schizophrenia or another type of mental disorder. Please have him see a psychiatrist or other doctor. He is extremely paranoid and not making sense.

 

Agreed. Those email messages and his actions are not those of a mentally healthy person. He clearly has some huge issues. It appears in his eyes that anyone who drinks is classed an alcoholic. It also appears he hasn't found an understanding of what an alcoholic is, and what causes it etc.

 

I'm not sure you can help him with this if he isn't willing to help himself.

[Guestagain]

Agreed. Those email messages and his actions are not those of a mentally healthy person. He clearly has some huge issues. It appears in his eyes that anyone who drinks is classed an alcoholic. It also appears he hasn't found an understanding of what an alcoholic is, and what causes it etc.

 

I'm not sure you can help him with this if he isn't willing to help himself.

 

Thank you ALL for your replies. I needed it. Part of my fear is that his ridiculous accusations will somehow get to me. Honestly, he does it really often. I have often wondered if he has some sort of mental issue. I replied him yesterday once (versus his 300 gibberish filled emails). I replied that he needed professional help, etc.

 

Unfortunately I am not sure he will pursue it.

 

I think littlekitty put it well to say that he thinks anyone that drinks is classed an alcoholic. Ironically, when he is normal, he often tries to make ammends by saying things like "hon, do you want me to pour you a glass of wine" and I am like "naw, not tonight" and a couple of times i have had to insist "NO sweetie--not tonight" so he really does have some serious issues related to his dad's drinking. his dad was my bf's favorite family member, and unfortunately from what I saw (he's now decesed) his dad lovvvved the drinkies in excess. it's sad.

 

anyway, i really do want to get my bf to al-anon but I don't see it happening. i see him going to therapy before meetings.

 

i do want to thank you all for validating my own sanity however though, because I do start to let him get to me when he drills things like that so maniacally.

[Guestagain]

.

 

I'm not sure you can help him with this if he isn't willing to help himself.

 

I'm back after some pondering, mainly now to vent and sort thoughts....It just sounds so much like the plight I'd have if he WERE an addict himself. I probably do need to consider going to al-anon myself, even if neither of my parents were addicted to substances, mom had dysfunctional approaches to food that were handed to her daughters and my dad was a rageaholic for sure.

 

Also, other than this current bf, my last long-term relationship did terminate because of his alcoholism. i left him because of it. and a short-lived but intense relationship after that I went out with a guy addicted to even harder drugs. what is my problem.

 

anyway, i am just really upset. even when I dedicated myself to seeking healthier relationships out there, crap like this is still going down. it's upsetting and frustrating since I felt I made a drastically healthy choice by hooking up with a man who wasn't a ragin-party animal.

[Fun2BMe]

what is my problem.

 

Keep in mind that it's not you with the problem. All the men you dated who were addicts, they were the one with the problem. Now you date someone who has sobered up and if you have a single glass of alcohol he tries to cut you down by calling YOU an alcoholic when he is the alcoholic who has chosen to stop cold turkey. You are not an alcoholic and can handle having a drink now and then in moderation and he seems to resent you for it since he can't do that himself. He gets mad at you and then tries to apologize by giving you a glass of wine, an act to show he does realize you can handle a drink despite what he said.

 

He has some big issues, especially how he imagines the neighbors hate him for not drinking. Maybe he thinks you too hate him for not drinking? I mean who knows what is going through his head. I think he needs to see a psychiatrist moreso than attend any meetings. As for you, I think you might be able to get a better understanding by going to meetings, but I feel like you think you have some sort of problem and you need to understand that you don't and it could drive you nuts dealing with an unstable person who refuses to get help.

 

That is too selfish of him to not get help and instead have his illogical behavior get mad at you, accuse you of things you are innocent of and upset you. If he loves you, he will put in the effort to get help so that he will stop treating you badly, and he himself will be at peace so he doesn't imagine things. Maybe the both of you should go to meetings together if it will make him more comfortable so he won't feel like you're sending the message that you can handle your drink but he's the one with the problem. If you go alone, it will only confirm to him that you are the one with the problem.

[wizedup]

And keep in mind there's a difference between abstinence and recovery. Seems like your bf is practicing abstinence from alcohol...but has never gone through treatment to recover from it.

There's a fine line between the 2 and you must have both in order to be successful in beating any addiction.

[Ladywithafan]

....and when I sit back & have a few drinks...he tends to do things that make me mad or piss me off and then blames me for being drunk and acts very strange about it as well...similiar....and he waits till I'm feeling nice, warm & fuzzy to rile me up...but in the past, it has been about letting me get a buzz and then hitting me up for money for crack...weird as it sounds...then can't imagine why I get mad after his begging...for drug money...