Why so many failures? I'm tired of the disappointment! (long)

[basscatcher]

Why do I have so many disappointments when it has come to finding a wonderful, loving, kind, caring, man whom I am attracted to and have good chemistry and companionship with.

 

Today I am in one of these moods where I feel angry, frustrated. I know why too. Disappointment.

 

Last night after my 3rd interview I seen I had a call from my alpha male friend. I called him back. He said he was in a bad mood. I spouted off I was tired. He quickly replied "forget it- your tired' I then said" and wanted company" and he said "yes" so I told him "I'm almost home, let me change clothes and I'll be at your place by 7:30." He said "ok". It was 6:50pm.

 

I got to his place by 7:38pm. He was in a bad mood but not in a super defensive, angry mood. He was more upset and irratated. His right shoulder was hurting him, he was stressed out, He had just finished his 3rd beer so he was ready to relax. We went in his bedroom and I at first removed a blackhead he couldn't get out.

 

I started to rub his shoulder and he asked me if I would take off his boots so I did that and rubbed his feet, calves and thighs and stretched his tendons and muscles; then proceeded back to his shoulders, back, kneck, temples, arms and chest muscles.

 

He kissed me, touched me, held me, looked into my eyes deeply, we talked about things we've never really touched on before.

 

He asked me "what will make you stronger?" I looked at him confused because I wasnt' sure what he was implying. I told him "security".

He made a statement "I don't want the baggage." I questioned him "Do you mean my feelings for you?" He said "yes". I told him that I know that he doesn't want a girlfriend, SO, wife, partner, companion, children and that he doesnt' want to get married. I told him that I know this.

 

He looked at me like I didn't beleive what I was saying. I reassured him that I do know. I explained to him last summer when he shared this with me I had a hard time accepting it and that is why I had to back off from him. I told him I do know what he doesn't want and he knows what I do want. We do not want the same things.

 

He explained to me that he is suppose to be single. He is not suppose to be married or have children. He said he knows this about his life.

I told him that is his choice and he said no its not its a fact. (we were talking about Godly things at this point--purpose in life.)

 

I told him "God gives us free will." "Unless, you are Called into the Priesthood your choice to be single, unmarried without a commitment of any kind to someone is your choice.." He denied it.

 

I told him "You don't have a good relationship with your mother or sister, you have had your share of bitches who have come into your life and messed it up, you've been hurt by women and you think women are evil." He did agree pretty-much to the women part.

 

I told him "You are human, you need affection, touch, comfort, we were not put here to be alone and lonely" I said "You want all the benefits of having a partner without the responsibility of her in your life. You don't want to have to care about someone else, be concerned whethe or not she is happy or what she needs. You don't want the responsibility of having to look out for someone else. " I told him "You want to look out for yourself. You want you, yourself, and you.!" He seemed to kind of deny a little bit of this idea but also seemed to agree with it.

 

I said "You want the milk but you don't want to buy the cow. You want the benefits without having the responsibility of them."

 

He looked me in the eyes while I was laying next to him and he said in a very serious tone "You really like me?" I said "Yes, I have since the first day I met you face to face. But I know you and I will never be. I value our friendship, I cherish the time I get to spend with you, I care about you and there is nothing wrong with that. I can have a special place in my heart for you even though I know you and and I don't have a future together."

 

I told him he and I have a love/hate relationship and he agreed and he emphasized that he hates me. (I think this is because I do have (hes admitted) a bit of power over him with my feminine (woman) ways. (not so much the sexual stuff but me as a person).)

 

I spent 4 hours with him and sexual tension was high, playfulness was intense and active, passion was flurishing and we both wanted each other but he choose not to.. He was concerned about my feelings if we had sex my feelings would get messed up and attached to him and he said if he starts with me he will like it too much and he will want me over and over and over. It was a dangerous line for both of us to have sex. My feelings, his sexual urges.

 

So I am frustrated today.

Angry because I can't have him.

Angry because he won't allow himself to accept me in his life more then I am..

Angry because a part of me loves him and I can't feed it or allow it to grow.

Angry because I met him and can't build with him

Angry because I wanted him last night to take me and he didn't (with much frustration decieding.)

 

I could have taken him in a roar of passion but I didn't. I wanted him to deciede if he wanted to have sex with me. He had a difficult time decieding and he decieded against it for fear of my feelings attaching to strongly to him. He asked me if they would and I told him yes.

 

This man is the first man to caress me so lovingly and gentle, he is the first man to look me so deeply in my eyes and see down into my core. He knows me inside and out better then anyone. He has intuition on me and can pull me out of myself.

He and I have always had a unique friendship.

 

He is the forbidden love.. It sucks... I need to seperate myself from him again. I feel the pull and I see the disappointment.

 

I'm so damn lonely and love starved and he can give me those things but with a price (my feelings attaching more then they already are.)

 

Why me, why him, why does this have to happen. It is cruel. I can't understand why God has allowed this to happen. Why did he and I have to meet? Whats the purpose of this attraction that is forbidden because he chooses to live a single life without ever comtting to anyone but himself.

 

It is so obvious that he cares about me, he is attracted to me, he desires me, He has admitted it. He's admitted it more then once. But, he says his life is as a single person.

 

Damn it..

Frickin PMS has a hold of me.. This is why my feelings are so intense. I'm one week away and the tears are flowing too. Damn PMS. I know that is the reason why I am feeling so intensely and why I'm thinking so much of this.

 

I know reality.

 

He is the affectionate and interpersonal commucative one but doesn't want the partnership of a relationship.

Charlie wants the partnership of the relationship but he isn't affectionate or have interpersonal commincation skills.

Why can't I put the two of them together and have ONE man with both of their great qualities.

 

This is so unfair.

 

I have had to push both of them away.. God help me..

[Pantero]

Damn....

 

That's all I can say.

[basscatcher]

Damn....

 

That's all I can say.

 

Why damn?

I am the one who feels damned.

[Guest]

wow. that's tough.

[basscatcher]

It's interesting that no one has much to say about this.

 

It is a hard situation to be in.

We can't control other people. We have to accept who they are and where they are at in their lives.

 

I need to accept where I'm at. I do most of the time but times like this is hard to accept.

 

We all want love and respect in our lives. We want someone we can share our lives with. (friendship, partnerships, relationships and even a compatible spouse.)

 

When we know someone well enough we can see by their actions and even by their words if someone genuinly cares about us and I know he cares about me. BUT.. He is adiment about being single. NEVER marry, no girlfriends, no live ins. He is the kind of man who can be loyal with a lover but with no commitments of a future together.

 

He and I both know I can't be his lover because my feelings will grow and I will get hurt and neither of us want that to happen.

 

I don't want him out of my life right now because he is a support for me. He helps me when I need it and he isn't afraid to put me in my place if I need it when I am wrong. He won't let me lie to myself.

 

A true friend tells you the truth and he does just that.

[Curmudgeon]

It's not unusual to want what we can't have. The difficulty comes in accepting it and moving on from there. Correct me if I'm wrong but haven't you had a lengthy string of relationships over the years and didn't they either fail and end, turn toxic or both? Perhaps that says more about your choices than it does about those you chose.

 

I don't mean this to be perjorative but to do the same thing over and over again and expecting to get different results is an object lesson in failure. Maybe it would behoove you to step back, give all of it a rest and take the time to discover what in you causes this. Could you possibly be commitment phobic so you consistently choose those with whom no lasting relationship is possible?

 

Just a few thoughts beyoind, "Damn!"

[j.carsey]

They say that one characteristic about optimists is the ability to forget about (or think nothing of) past failures, and look forward to the chance to do things right NEXT time. When optimists reflect on failures, they try to come up with constructive ways to improve their chances next time.

 

Sure it's hard to do, but I've been hearing the term "fake it till you make it" and I like that kind of thing. I've been failing to, but I keep trying. Even if you don't think of yourself as an optimist, you can still make an effort to stop thinking of past failures and just focus on what's going on NOW

 

Good luck!

[j.carsey]

Why do I have so many disappointments ...

 

Also, it's not just you (of course).

 

I keep running into WOMEN who have a fear of commitment. Yes really! Do they just not like me enough to want to commit to me? Maybe... so ditch 'em and find someone new.

 

Plenty of people out there and each new person you meet is a new chance

[a4a]

 

I don't want him out of my life right now because he is a support for me. He helps me when I need it and he isn't afraid to put me in my place if I need it when I am wrong. He won't let me lie to myself.

 

A true friend tells you the truth and he does just that.

 

 

Now get mad but this is how I see it without the sugar coating on it.

 

You are looking for a man that can be a father figure to you.

You like continuous heat/passion/drama in a relationship.

You continue to choose aloof men because you are in hopes to complete yourself by getting them to change and show you that they care about you.

You are expecting or wanting one of these guys to turn into a white knight.

 

To be brutally honest I think you are trying to rehash your relationship with your father here. (how is that for dime store psych. 101).

 

Your recycling your feelings on this and it is coming out with the men you choose and date/desire. Trying to fulfill that need you have left over in you.

 

Make a list of your fathers qualities and negative attributes and compare it to your previous longer term love interests.. I bet they match up pretty well.

 

 

Don't get pissed at me please, I am really just trying to help.

[littlekitty]

C=Lion and a4a provide some good insights. I'm not sure I can add much but I'll try.

 

From what I can tell your love life seems overly complicated. Even when you were with Charlie there were still other men involved in your life (incl this one), again making things even more complicated.

 

You seem to chase after, and long for, these men that you know you can't have or can't give you what you need. But you seem to feel you can change that and make it work, rather than accept the differences and simply walk away. You can't 'fix' everyone or every situation.

 

It seems like you keep repeating the same cycles and processes and coming out with the same results, even with the same people, over and over again.

 

Perhaps you have to remove yourself from all these complicated situations and take some time and move on completely. Having these people in your life (I understand you see them as friends - but let's face it - you want more so they aren't just friends) is complicating things and seems to be keeping you repeating the same mistakes.

 

I'll be blunt, please don't hate me for it. When I read your post the first time I didn't comment. I just thought 'oh for christ sake'. There you were examining - in greath depth - again - a situation you have already dealt with once and should have moved on from long ago. Now you appear to be rehashing it all over again. Why? And it seems your desperate to find someone..? Why?

 

I really feel for you. You do deserve more. But there appears to be some cycle in your life that you need to break to move on and find a good relationship, the type you want.

[MarnieGirl]

maybe you aren't giving him any reason to change his mind. you're serving yourself to him emotionally on avplatter. you say witful things like "of course i want to be with you....buuuut then disclaim it with "but i know you are meant to be single and i accept that."

 

it's good that you're an accepting, extremely understanding person, but if he has nothing to fight for, why should he? it's just you trying to get this dispassionate approval from him that you for some reason need. and all this while you're cuddling.

 

i don't think man is as innocent as you think he is. he's meant to be single--why again? it just seems a little weird.

[basscatcher]

I'm not upset with any of your replies. I felt a bit defensive when a4a said I was replacing my father looking for a father figure..

I have to disagree on this in part.

The biggest thing I had issues with in my father growing up was his absence and his lack of affection towards me. He was cold and distant.

 

This is where I have issues with distance and lack of affection in my partners.

 

I know this. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to be hugged, held, touched. I'm not one who wants A LOT of it. I do know how much makes me comfortable and the lack that makes me uncomfortable.

 

Yes, I do have a hard time letting go because I see the good in people and its hard to let that good go. I question all the time whether I can tolerate and live with the negatives of the person and those are the things that push me away-- ex: neglect, abuse, lack of support, lack of growth, lack of trying to understand, lies, cheating, rejection of my son, degradation of women and family.

 

My account with the dating service is still on hold. I haven't opened myself up to meeting the next 8 men left on my membership. I know I'm not quite ready to move on yet. I still harbour some feelings. I have had offers to meet a few guys (I've met online and chat with) and I'm hesitant to do so because I'm not sure I'm ready and I don't trust myself to make a good judgement call upon meeting them at this time.

 

I've been told by friends that I'm stalling and what I need to do is open the door and walk through it. I might meet someone who naturally leads me out of my hole I'm in.

 

I do know what I want in a partner. The problem is letting go of the good in the bad partners so I can continue moving forward.

 

It's almost like I settle when I know I shouldn't out of fear of never meeting someone again. I'm afraid once I let go I will forever and ever and ever be alone. I fear loneliness and abandonment.

 

I continuely self talk and think possitive but deep down inside of me the scars of abandonment and loneliness are the weights on my ankles trying to pull me under the surface of the water.

I'm treading like crazy to stay afloot and I can see a raft that gives me hope of holding on so I don't go under but I can't get to it because I treading so much to keep my head above the water all the while the weights around my ankles are making it difficult to do anything but tread water.

 

I can see what is good and bad,

I know what is right and wrong.

I know what I want but don't know where to find it.

I sit and wait,

I hope, dream, and pray,

I want a savior,

I want to save myself,

I want to open a door and walk through it--to leave the past in the dark.

I can't change the past but I can learn from it.

I have learned from it--that is how I see--but to live what I have learned is the hard part for me.

[a4a]

Ok stop and try to see the points I am making in bold..... this is not to say you are a bad person, stupid, or unworthy..... they are just points.. and look at it this way, I am taking my time to do this so you are good enough to me for me to do that Now again without the sugar coating.... and lacking a soft approach I will attempt to point some things out as you requested it by posting this thread in a public forum.

 

I'm not upset with any of your replies. I felt a bit defensive when a4a said I was replacing my father looking for a father figure..

I have to disagree on this in part.

The biggest thing I had issues with in my father growing up was his absence and his lack of affection towards me. He was cold and distant.

 

This is why I said you are trying to get that male attention/a mate, you so need a man in your life. You are not comfortable being alone.

 

This is where I have issues with distance and lack of affection in my partners.

 

I know this. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to be hugged, held, touched. I'm not one who wants A LOT of it. I do know how much makes me comfortable and the lack that makes me uncomfortable.

 

No affection is wanted and needed by most, but many will not seek it from people they know will be toxic to them. You do settle for less but then expect it to be exactly what you want/need later in the relationship. Start sticking to your expectations...do not settle then hope they will turn into your dream man.

 

Yes, I do have a hard time letting go because I see the good in people and its hard to let that good go. I question all the time whether I can tolerate and live with the negatives of the person and those are the things that push me away-- ex: neglect, abuse, lack of support, lack of growth, lack of trying to understand, lies, cheating, rejection of my son, degradation of women and family.

 

This is about you not about the person you are with. You find it better to hold on because if you do not you feel bad for letting go. It also means that you have failed to change the man in your life. If you were good enough he would have changed, things would have worked out? And if there is the slightest chance he will change you cling to it, analyze it, and hope for it.

Now does this not some what remind you of the relationship with your father?

Maybe if you were good enough he would have paid attention to you, been there?

 

My account with the dating service is still on hold. I haven't opened myself up to meeting the next 8 men left on my membership. I know I'm not quite ready to move on yet. I still harbour some feelings. I have had offers to meet a few guys (I've met online and chat with) and I'm hesitant to do so because I'm not sure I'm ready and I don't trust myself to make a good judgement call upon meeting them at this time.

 

Not every date or outting you spend with a male has to be a preparation for making a soul mate match/marriage..... you are letting life pass you by. You could very well be searching so hard for this soulmate that your so focused on the search you are missing out on the chance to just be happy and allow a natural meeting.

 

I've been told by friends that I'm stalling and what I need to do is open the door and walk through it. I might meet someone who naturally leads me out of my hole I'm in.

 

I do know what I want in a partner. The problem is letting go of the good in the bad partners so I can continue moving forward.

 

Again letting go is failure to you

 

It's almost like I settle when I know I shouldn't out of fear of never meeting someone again. I'm afraid once I let go I will forever and ever and ever be alone. I fear loneliness and abandonment.

 

If you found a guy that was willing to marry you could you not say "well at least I won't be alone anymore"....... Sorry to say but you could find your perfect man and have him gone the next day. Accidents, disease, or divorce do happen.

You have to stop living in the past and future and start living in today.

You need to be a whole person on your own.

 

 

 

I continuely self talk and think possitive but deep down inside of me the scars of abandonment and loneliness are the weights on my ankles trying to pull me under the surface of the water.

 

Stop picking at the damn scabs of the past... I think if you quit spending so much time thinking about what was, what could be, and start thinking about what IS and really start living for today you will not be so tormented. Yeah things were bad for me too, had some really rough times, still do.... but f*** IT! It has no bearing on today if I choose for it to not. I am in control, not my past... and if I cannot control every little part of my future when I get there I will say....... f*** IT! and deal with it the best I can. If my plans go awry well I will deal with it then.

 

I'm treading like crazy to stay afloot and I can see a raft that gives me hope of holding on so I don't go under but I can't get to it because I treading so much to keep my head above the water all the while the weights around my ankles are making it difficult to do anything but tread water.

 

I can see what is good and bad, but keep settling

I know what is right and wrong. But keep recycling ....wash, rinse, repeat.

I know what I want but don't know where to find it. Looking too hard

I sit and wait, and focus on the past and future instead of the now

I hope, dream, and pray, and try to make a sows ear into a silk purse

I want a savior, Yes you do

I want to save myself, Then get to doing it TODAY

I want to open a door and walk through it--to leave the past in the dark. Then do it

I can't change the past but I can learn from it. and stop dwelling on it

I have learned from it--that is how I see--but to live what I have learned is the hard part for me.

Just start living...... start a new life today. There is no reason why you cannot. You are not stupid, you are stubborn you are just more comfortable with the devil you know...... habit does bring comfort in the short term.

 

Now go tell me to piss off! or take the parts that may help you and go for it.

[littlekitty]

Ok stop and try to see the points I am making in bold..... this is not to say you are a bad person, stupid, or unworthy..... they are just points.. and look at it this way, I am taking my time to do this so you are good enough to me for me to do that Now again without the sugar coating.... and lacking a soft approach I will attempt to point some things out as you requested it by posting this thread in a public forum.

 

Just start living...... start a new life today. There is no reason why you cannot. You are not stupid, you are stubborn you are just more comfortable with the devil you know...... habit does bring comfort in the short term.

 

Now go tell me to piss off! or take the parts that may help you and go for it.

 

For what it's worth... spot on.

[Becoming]

Pada, it's hard to hear some of what we're trying to tell you. But I think a4a is right. We all try to fix what was broken in our childhood until we finally figure out that we can't. I, too, see you choosing men like your father to a lesser degree in order to work out past hurts--so that that little girl can finally get all the love and attention she so longs for yet today and didn't get. I've tried to do the very same thing. And years of therapy have finally taught me that I just have to mourn those losses from the past and let that desire go because it just keeps dragging me under, just like you described.

 

No one is ever going to totally fulfill our deepest longings. You KNOW this, but deep down inside your little girl cannot accept this because she's too young to understand why the people who were supposed to love her didn't. This is so hard to hear, but there is no Prince Charming who will ride in on his white charger to rescue you.

 

We all long to be saved by a god with skin on. That's the beauty of Christianity's incarnation. But no one except Jesus can do that and he's dead . . . and risen, yes, living on in Spirit through folks like us who are in the process of being-saved, as the Greek says it (not saved, but being-saved) even as we're still imperfect sinful critters, too. So it's just not possible for any human to save us the way that little girl in us wants because we're all imperfect. What we have to do is follow that Christ now shining through the muck of all life's ambiguities, which I see you trying to do admirably.

 

Maybe you keep attracting these opportunites to learn all this once and for all and that until you do, your love life will just be like the movie Groundhog Day. What you have to learn to do is exactly what you're doing--staying strong in your choices about what you know is good for you by not getting involved with alphaguy unless he's ready for a commitment. Maybe commitment is what he needs to learn and why he is attracted to you, too. But you can't control him, as you know. Even though you know what is the right thing to do (not sleep with him), the other part of you wanted him to sweep you up like Rhett Butler (the part that keeps dragging you back under into subconscious living). You know you can't go there. So kudos for self-control!

 

So stay strong and keep struggling. Keep dealing with all the leftover crap that keeps trying to drag you back down into its submerged sea and drown you. If you can get through the tome that is the child abuse thread (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77326/), you'll see you're not alone with these feelings. I've used the very same imagery to describe the issues I'm strugging with--submersion in water, trapped, open doors. And a4a and LK are right (thanks, ladies; I needed to hear that, too!): WE'RE the ones who have to rescue us out of our preoccupation with trying to resolve an unresolvable past so that we can go forward to live the life we so desperately want.

 

What I offer you through all my struggle is hope and my deep hard-fought knowledge that when you're ready, you'll open the door and walk through it into a shining new future, that, though imperfect, will still be good with glory. This is my prayer for you.

[a4a]

Pada, it's hard to hear some of what we're trying to tell you. But I think a4a is right.

 

 

You know I often thought I should write a book on how to get over your past....... but it would only really be one page long if it were going to be a direct message.

 

It would simply read : Choose to do so.

 

There are so many great things that came out of my rotten past. So much I learned, so many things that made me strong. So many terrible things that make me so grateful for the things I have today. Without all that crap in my life I may not be as happy as I am today. Its all how you look at it.

 

I have to wonder if people in the concentration camps never noticed the beauty of a sunset or sunrise........ odd thought I know. But hell I am odd

[basscatcher]

Now go tell me to piss off! or take the parts that may help you and go for it.

 

I'm not going to tel you to piss off.

You are one of those persons on LS that can piss me off eaisly because you are so direct and can come off as being very hard and harsh.

I chose to step back from you defensiveness and read directly as you wrote.

What you have to say is right and pretty much true.

It's hard sometimes to admit that I have more work to do no myself when I know how far I've come already.

 

I was thinking this morning on my way into work---

 

why is it that we become afraid to take chances, stick out knecks out, take a risk, jump in with both feet first?

 

For myself I was thinking--because I have been put donw, teased, mocked, degraded, laughed at so much growing up I'm afraid to do or say anything for fear of being rejected.

 

I want to come out of my protective shell I live in but I'm afraid of reliving what I endured growing up. Rejection.

 

I dared be different when I was younger and I was always met as a social outcast. I was very creative, unique, different, deep and expressed it in my beliefs, actions, attire, and dreams. I was almost shunned because of my difference from what was deemed 'normal' and 'acceptable'. By adults, peers, bfs and my gfs.

 

I wasn't accepted as being myself and over the years I have adapted and changed who I am. I don't even know how to let my inner self out anymore. One person can see into me and the divergence I've created with myself. Because of rejection..

 

I need a vacation. I need to escape my life for awhile and get away to recoup myself. I want to sit along a shoreline looking out over the water with the loons singing and the sun setting. I want to sit on the dock with a cup of hot coffee and breath in the morning mist off the lake.

 

Gawsh how I need time to myself with no one to bother me.

[basscatcher]

OMG Becoming YOU MADE ME CRY reading your words..... I'm sitting here at work and the tears are flooding down my face and the FedX guy just walked in. Shyt.

Good thing my allergies are acting up and my eyes are tearing anyway. He knows this. I had an excuse. :lmao:

 

Pada, it's hard to hear some of what we're trying to tell you. But I think a4a is right. We all try to fix what was broken in our childhood until we finally figure out that we can't. I, too, see you choosing men like your father to a lesser degree in order to work out past hurts--so that that little girl can finally get all the love and attention she so longs for yet today and didn't get. I've tried to do the very same thing. And years of therapy have finally taught me that I just have to mourn those losses from the past and let that desire go because it just keeps dragging me under, just like you described.

 

No one is ever going to totally fulfill our deepest longings. You KNOW this, but deep down inside your little girl cannot accept this because she's too young to understand why the people who were supposed to love her didn't. This is so hard to hear, but there is no Prince Charming who will ride in on his white charger to rescue you.

 

We all long to be saved by a god with skin on. That's the beauty of Christianity's incarnation. But no one except Jesus can do that and he's dead . . . and risen, yes, living on in Spirit through folks like us who are in the process of being-saved, as the Greek says it (not saved, but being-saved) even as we're still imperfect sinful critters, too. So it's just not possible for any human to save us the way that little girl in us wants because we're all imperfect. What we have to do is follow that Christ now shining through the muck of all life's ambiguities, which I see you trying to do admirably.

 

Maybe you keep attracting these opportunites to learn all this once and for all and that until you do, your love life will just be like the movie Groundhog Day. What you have to learn to do is exactly what you're doing--staying strong in your choices about what you know is good for you by not getting involved with alphaguy unless he's ready for a commitment. Maybe commitment is what he needs to learn and why he is attracted to you, too. But you can't control him, as you know. Even though you know what is the right thing to do (not sleep with him), the other part of you wanted him to sweep you up like Rhett Butler (the part that keeps dragging you back under into subconscious living). You know you can't go there. So kudos for self-control!

 

So stay strong and keep struggling. Keep dealing with all the leftover crap that keeps trying to drag you back down into its submerged sea and drown you. If you can get through the tome that is the child abuse thread (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77326/), you'll see you're not alone with these feelings. I've used the very same imagery to describe the issues I'm strugging with--submersion in water, trapped, open doors. And a4a and LK are right (thanks, ladies; I needed to hear that, too!): WE'RE the ones who have to rescue us out of our preoccupation with trying to resolve an unresolvable past so that we can go forward to live the life we so desperately want.

 

What I offer you through all my struggle is hope and my deep hard-fought knowledge that when you're ready, you'll open the door and walk through it into a shining new future, that, though imperfect, will still be good with glory. This is my prayer for you.

 

You are correct. All the way through and through.

[Becoming]

Ya know, a4a is right, too. We just gotta get up outta the pit of this pity party. When we're sick of our s***, we'll finally figure out we can move on.

 

But it seems to take as long as it takes.

 

Some of us seem to recover from the abuse more readily than others perhaps because of temperament, physical hard-wiring, experiences at various developmental stages, etc. a4a seems to be one of the lucky ones, and she's been through it, too. There's wisdom there. You just may have been born more sensitive with more of one kind of hormone, etc. Who knows?

This is why meds are necessary at times to help and why different ones work for different folks.

 

Pada, we all see such a beautiful person in you; otherwise, we wouldn't bother. We just wish you could see what we see--a creative, expressive, sensitive soul struggling to fly free from the cocoon she's imprisoned herself in in an effort to create a new life. All your "drama" is just a part of the struggle.

 

I don't know if it's true, but I've heard that if you try to help an emerging butterfly by tearing open their chrysilis for them so that they can fly free, that you kill the butterfly because the struggle to free itself is what removes the substance from its wings so that it can fly. Without removing all that stuff in the stuggle, all the butterfly can do is sit there and slowly starve. So maybe having folks come rescue us, as we so long for, is actually contributing to our death.

 

You're just wriggling out out your cocoon, and when you're ready, you'll fly free. No one can tell you when or how this will be but you--the deeper, wiser you that integrates both knowledge and feeling, beyond the one who knows and the little one who feels.

[alphamale]

I'm sitting here at work and the tears are flooding down my face and the FedX guy just walked in.

Do you have a package for the FedEx guy? One addressed to Michigan?

[basscatcher]

Ya know, a4a is right, too. We just gotta get up outta the pit of this pity party. When we're sick of our s***, we'll finally figure out we can move on.

 

But it seems to take as long as it takes.

 

Some of us seem to recover from the abuse more readily than others perhaps because of temperament, physical hard-wiring, experiences at various developmental stages, etc. a4a seems to be one of the lucky ones, and she's been through it, too. There's wisdom there. You just may have been born more sensitive with more of one kind of hormone, etc. Who knows?

This is why meds are necessary at times to help and why different ones work for different folks.

 

Pada, we all see such a beautiful person in you; otherwise, we wouldn't bother. We just wish you could see what we see--a creative, expressive, sensitive soul struggling to fly free from the cocoon she's imprisoned herself in in an effort to create a new life. All your "drama" is just a part of the struggle.

 

I don't know if it's true, but I've heard that if you try to help an emerging butterfly by tearing open their chrysilis for them so that they can fly free, that you kill the butterfly because the struggle to free itself is what removes the substance from its wings so that it can fly. Without removing all that stuff in the stuggle, all the butterfly can do is sit there and slowly starve. So maybe having folks come rescue us, as we so long for, is actually contributing to our death.

 

You're just wriggling out out your cocoon, and when you're ready, you'll fly free. No one can tell you when or how this will be but you--the deeper, wiser you that integrates both knowledge and feeling, beyond the one who knows and the little one who feels.

 

{tears , tears} Remind me not to read your posts when I'm PMSing. Your words are like that of a mother who is caring for her child who has been hurt.

 

Ugh...

[basscatcher]

Do you have a package for the FedEx guy? One addressed to Michigan?

 

shaddup!! I told you--you have to come and get them...

[Curmudgeon]

you have to come and get them...

 

But you don't have to go and get them, Padameckla. Has it occurred to you that perhaps you're trying to hard, almost like trying on dozens of pairs of shoes trying to find that one right fit? between dating services, online this-and-that and whatever other ways you use to meet men, always hoping the each will ultimately be "the one," youy've covered a lot of territory but you still leave the store empty-handed except for some old receipts.

 

Please take what I'm going to say in the spirit in which it's offered. You're too hungry! As a man, I can tell you that scares me to death, and other men as well. You seem to enter into these relationships, most of which end up being rather casual and none of them lasting with a pre-conceived picture of how it's going to end up and it's always the same vision and thus far, all the end-results have been the same as well.

 

When I divorced at age 48, women my age and younger started coming out of the woodwork. The one thing they all had in common was a working, reasonably successful, rather personable, well-dressed, nicely mannered, not too ugly and above all, available man. I found it extremely off-putting and asked none of them out even though it was all too obvious they wanted me to. The one I did ask out and ultimately married was the one woman I knew who treated me like the friend I was and had been for five years and who didn't come onto me but was quietly available and had always been supportive of me, especially during the several years it took for my divorce to become final.

 

My wife and I both agree that love seems to come best when you're looking for it the least. Stop trying so hard! Just let things happen naturally, or not. One day, all in its own good time, everything will come together.

[Mary3]

Ya know, a4a is right, too. We just gotta get up outta the pit of this pity party. When we're sick of our s***, we'll finally figure out we can move on.

 

But it seems to take as long as it takes.

 

Some of us seem to recover from the abuse more readily than others perhaps because of temperament, physical hard-wiring, experiences at various developmental stages, etc. a4a seems to be one of the lucky ones, and she's been through it, too. There's wisdom there. You just may have been born more sensitive with more of one kind of hormone, etc. Who knows?

This is why meds are necessary at times to help and why different ones work for different folks.

 

Pada, we all see such a beautiful person in you; otherwise, we wouldn't bother. We just wish you could see what we see--a creative, expressive, sensitive soul struggling to fly free from the cocoon she's imprisoned herself in in an effort to create a new life. All your "drama" is just a part of the struggle.

 

I don't know if it's true, but I've heard that if you try to help an emerging butterfly by tearing open their chrysilis for them so that they can fly free, that you kill the butterfly because the struggle to free itself is what removes the substance from its wings so that it can fly. Without removing all that stuff in the stuggle, all the butterfly can do is sit there and slowly starve. So maybe having folks come rescue us, as we so long for, is actually contributing to our death.

 

You're just wriggling out out your cocoon, and when you're ready, you'll fly free. No one can tell you when or how this will be but you--the deeper, wiser you that integrates both knowledge and feeling, beyond the one who knows and the little one who feels.

 

 

Slowly killing ourselves trying to find the man who will soothe the inner child....

 

Those feelings when you were a little girl come back now as an adult .

 

No man can fill these needs ...not completely for you.

 

I can say that you should start looking at a * date * not as THE MAN I MAY MARRY but instead as " a cute guy is coming to pick me up, we are going out to have fun , he may kiss me tonite...

 

And you need LOTS of dates.!

 

Keep your weeks full.

 

This guy was crap, that guy was okay but cheap, this guy was attractive but not my type, This guy was sexual but I didn't want to be pushed , and so on and so forth.

 

As soon as you look at men as " Discovery" . A nice evening out...

 

Think of it as a Job Interview . You will learn alot and move SLOW.

 

You won't ( as hard as this is ) continue to sleep with a hot guy that does not want a relationship if you DO.

 

You have to either A ) Have lots of dates to fill your time

B ) Have mad sex calling yourself " Sucessfully Single "

C ) Take a trip and see NO men for awhile

D) Look at men like buying a car." Hey that guys got a leak , this one's blowing his horn too loud . This one sucks alot of gas , lol " STEP BACK and look at the car and take a GOOD look before you invest your emotions deeper and buy the car. Ya know ?

 

I can strongly relate to where you are and the difference is : It takes me about 2 to 5 days after a date to know if this man is interested. Then it takes WEEKS to learn about the man. Then it takes MONTHS to see if its worth INVESTING your heart.

 

The guy Charlie has clearly told you how he feels. Believe him.

 

Men want to RUN when we have the TALK so we do NOT do that anymore okay ?

 

The man will initiate the * talk * otherwise you are screwed.

 

He will tell you what he wants in the beginning... Unless of course he just wants to sex you and he may likely lie to get into bed with you. ( Not all men do this )

 

He will NOT turn around. Why ??? Because of your neediness and directness and having the TALK with him. He feels pushed. Suffocated. Yes, you did that to him . Does not make you bad !. It just makes a single guy not wanting anything serious to feel SUFFOCATED ! He just wants sex sweetie. And maybe a girl pal. Kinda like FWB.

 

If you don't WANT FWB get out !

 

We pick what we don't have...

 

We want what we don't need even if we are blinded by our needs. That means neglect or cruelty or indifference. ANY form is toxic !

 

I say LEARN , READ , GROW , KNOW THYSELF !

 

No man can help you . We were starved as kids not getting our needs met. We grew up as women and have been looking for that every since. Since we can't have our needs met we have to figure out how to make OURSELVES happy !

 

Get it ?

[basscatcher]

Curm---The line 'come and get them' I sadi to Alpha was not connected to this thread personally. He and I have been joking about me sending my 'panties' to him FedX... This was a smart-alike remark I posted in this thread.

 

Although, what you said in regards to using this line in the context of this thread I totally understand what you are saying.

I do need to clarify that I don't 'chase' men. I don't approach men. I normally don't start conversations with men.

I look. I may smile and say hi, I may watch from a distance. I don't hold eye contact to long or I feel my face get hot (blushing). I don't hang on men when I'm out in the clubs.

 

I rarely get approached unless the man is dilillusionally drunk or is drunk and looking for the last minute booty call for the night. (I don't accept these offers.)

 

I asked a guy once who was flirty with 2 of my gfs as we stood outside the club one night-he wasn't intoxicated--I had just enough alcohol in me that I stepped up to him and asked him directly "could you tell me something?' he obliged with a smile on his face, I asked him "why am I unapproachable by decent men?' he looked me square in the eyes and said, 'you carry yourself too well, you look intimidating, I seen you and I thought 'I don't have a chance in hell with her'.' He stated 'This is what I thought, maybe this is what other guys think.' I told him I didn't believe him and that he was only saying this not to hurt my feelings and he swore in front of everyone including his friends that what he said is what he really thought.

 

Maybe this is why I get the alpha man types that come up to me. The dominate men, men who have egos and chips on their shoulders. The arrogant men who are full of self confidence.

 

I maybe unapproachable by the way I physically handle myself. My gfs have told me that I act too conservative unless I'm drinking and have a good buzz going. My gfs said I dressed too conservative also which I have changed when I'm out on the town with them.

 

Yes, I have gone through a lot of men since I was 14. None of them worked out. I am not too picky but picky enough I'm not going to willingly choose to get involved with a man who obviously only wants me for sex or a man who is severly over weight and doesn't attempt to take care of himself and is very lazy.

 

I may sound desperate and as if I am looking under every rock, nook and cranny but I'm not. I feel the feeling of desperation and talk it sometimes-'like I'm going to be alone forever" but I don't act desperate.

 

It's hard for me to meet people. I don't get approached very often by decent men. I don't meet new people easily either unless its online.

I joined the dating service so I could meet men without them judging me in a public place and not getting to know me. Appearance is a factor if a man will approach her--her beauty, her manners, her attire. Apparently, I don't have a approachable appearance!

 

Everyone on LS knows me better then the majority of people who know me in real life. That is sad.....

LSr's know me better then my own mother...

The only two people who really know me is 1 gf (my best friend of 9 years) and the alpha manfriend that everyone seems to think I need to steer clear of.. No else has taken the time to really know me to look at my thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, desires, dreams, likes, dislikes, interests, and reasons why I am who I am.

 

My most successful relationship of all the relationships I've been in was with a man I meet online. The problem we had was him. He admits that he couldn't handle being with someone that treated him so well. It's not familiar to him. He's use to be treated like a yo-yo. He is addicted to drama. I didn't give him that... (he is seeing a councelor now.)

 

----

When I do get a date with a man. I go out with him to get to know him. Not with intentions to marry him. I know what is important to me in a partner and first its being able to be friends. I'm not looking for just a dick between my legs, and him to open his pocket book up to me. I want someone I can enjoy life with and he can with me too.

 

I don't need a man to FIX me or make me WHOLE. I can do that myself. I want someone for company, companionship, friendship, love, and to make life a little easier in sharing our lives together. I can carry my burdens of life on my own but its so much nicer to have someone help me carry my load and I enjoy helping him carry his..

 

I'm not totally immature about all this.

Problem with me is its hard for me to meet decent men.

When I'm out shopping I am on a mission to get my stuff done. I don't lollygag around when I'm out. I do what I need to do and move on. I don't hang out anywhere. It's boring. I don't have anyone to hang out with--my gfs have busy and full lives too.

 

I know where Charlie is at. I still talk to him. He still wants to date me but he doesn't want anything serious. I don't want that. He isn't affectionate. His conversations are dull and we are going in differet directions. All he talks about and wants to do is drive around on his New Harley... I want to go fishing, I want to go for walks, I want to hang out at state parks, I want to relax and watch a movie once in awhile, etc. All he wants to do is drive his Harley, drink beer and sit in bars/clubs at night. Dating him is not a good thing for me.. He isn't healthy for me. He isn't balanced for me. He and I aren't looking down the same road.

 

As for Hot guys and FWB no thank you. I have had HOT guys hit on me in the clubs. They are drunk and are only looking for a peice of ass. I'm not a pick up girl for the night.

 

I think my next line when I'm out is going to be "Do you want to F*ck me, or do you want to get to know me?" sarcasticly, when some fool comes stumbling up to me an hour before closing. Usually, these guys are old enough to be my son... I typicall ask them how old they are and when they say 22, 23, 24 I typically giggle and say I'm old enough to be your mother. That about floors them. I continue playing the banter until they get the hint I'm not going home with them and they aren't coming home with me.

 

---

The whole thing is --YES I want to meet someone whom I'm compatable with that I can enjoy and share time, struggles and interests with. I'm not lookinig to run to the alter and get married in a year. NO NO NO. Marrage is the furthest thing from my mind these days.

 

I don't meet that many people even though I've dated a lot. Most of the men I've dated were when I was 16-17 and last summer when I was meeting men from online dating sites..

 

It summer time and lots to do. NO one to do things with. My gfs are busy and also have bfs. I don't. I am not going to ValleyFair alone, I'm not going to the country fair alone. I'm not going to the Reinasaunce Festival alone, I'm not going to concerts alone, I'm not going to a club alone, I'm not going to go walking/hiking in a state park alone, I'm not going to rent a boat and go fishing alone, I'm not going to go to a car race or a ultimate fight alone. All these things can be boring and dangerious to do alone.

 

I am normally a active person, I like to do things on weekends and the only thing I get to do these days is go dancing and drink with my gfs at night. I'm getting really sick ot it..